Pregnant but my husband wants me to terminate baby so sad

[loganberry12]

Hi im 5 weeks pregnant. It was'nt planned although i havent used conraceptives for 2 years now i have polycystic overies so didnt think id fall pregnant as well as being 42 i thought my time was up for babies. I have 4 children already all grown up ages 24 to 13. I also have 2 grand children. We have been married for 2 years. When i told my husband he was angry and said id planned it and that if i keep the baby he will leave. my youngest son of 13 is his. He even said to me its probably not his !!I dont want a termination but i dont want my husband to leave either. He says we are on the bread line now and cant afford the baby which is true but i cant bear the thought of aborting. One minute im excited and happy the next depressed and confused.He isnt even talking to me much at the moment just sulking about. on top of that i feel so sick and very tired i cant remember feeling like this in the past pregnancys. I really dont know what to do so thought id post on here for some points of view

never have an abortion for someone else. what you do has to be your choice. your dh is being a total prick(sorry, but he is).

If you abort when you don't really want to you will lose your husband anyway because your resentment of him will drive you apart.

If you keep your baby there is every chance he will come around, hopefully he is just in shock at thought of becoming a father again. Or he just a twunt and you are better off without him anyway.

As others have said don't give into pressure only you can make this descion.

If your husband is so totally against another baby then why has he not been sterilised?! It's a quick, simple operation and there is NO excuse for him not having it and then trying to browbeat you into dealing with the consequences of him not having had it! This is just as much his responsibility as yours and he has no right to bully you into aborting the baby. Discussing and putting forward his opinion is one thing, out and out threats, stomping and sulking is not even slightly acceptable!

Your children will probably be a bit surprised but I'm sure they will be fine. My friend is a lot younger than her siblings as her mother was similiar to you, everyone else was born a good 13-18 years before her but she has a great relationship with her parents and her siblings. I do think the father's wishes count but he has no right to hop up and down demanding you abort a baby he helped to create and could easily have prevented.

Also, if he succeeds in bullying you into this, what will he next be attempting?

LoganBerry {{{HUGS}}} WOW! Congratulations.

My choice words for your DH:
"OH GO GROW UP!"

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, however I was only 22 and we'd only been together for 1 year and I lived in his house so he said that if I kept the baby I would have to move out.
I went through the termination but then he split up with me straight after. I do regret having the termination, although it probably was for the best in the long run (considering my age and circumstances) I regret listening to him and letting him bully me in to it.
If you do decide to terminate just make sure that it's for the right reasons and not because of your husband. It is your body and you also have to consider that a termination is a surgical procedure which there are risks to, he can't just expect you to undergo surgery against your will.
Also, if you did decide to terminate, how would your relationship be afterwards? Do you think that you would forgive him or end up resenting him? It's possible that it could end up splitting you up anyway.
Also, do you think he would actually leave you and his son if you did carry on with the pregnancy or is it just a bullying tactic?
Only YOU can make the decision but make sure that it is YOUR decision and not his.

Hi I read your message and signed up just to reply to you. I have been through this..If you have any doubts at all don't do it. 3 years ago I was in your position ...my husband said he would leave if i didn't go ahead with the termanation....and wouldn't talk to me about it ....I couldn't talk to any one as i was ashamed of even entertaining the idea...this came out of the blue for me and never ever thought i would have an abortion....I went into auto pilot and went to the hospital they scanned me and turned the sceen around so I couldn't see the baby...in the scan room it was strange...the times i had been there before were happy occaidions..I could see the judgement in her eyes i felt like screamin turn the screen around i dont want this abortion i want my baby i even had a few names i liked...i never stood up for my self and not one day passes where i dont think about it....I have tried to paper over the cracks with my husband and still don't discuss i'm accused of bringing the past up..... i love him still..we have been together since we were 15.. but totally resent him and i'm not sure after 17 years together if i can forgive ... the pressure he put on me.. when all i neede was support...i know it was my body and decision I also can't forgive my self...i have had some hard times in my life but this is so life changing.....after all this my husband said he regrets what he did ....... after the devastation he saw me go through ...I was suicidal ..angry ...guilty... it will never leave me..please talk to people you trust about this and be strong and do whats right for you as ultimately you are the one who has to live with the decision...money is not everything...your mental health is priceless...take care my thoughts are with you I hope this helps

Hi thanks for all your messages and advice. I have decided im keeping the baby whatever my husband says. I havent had chance to deguse it with him or even mention it again because he's had man flu and been too ill to talk to, sleeping in bed all day. When he's feeling better i will speak to him. Told my mum and my two elder daughters 22 and 19 they were both a bit shocked but really supportive and said they will help all they can, mum is over the moon she's going to be a nan again. Can't say anything at work yet though cos my husband works in the same place so have to be careful until we deguse it properly, which makes it a bit akward because my job involves heavy lifting. Any way ive made an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow to book me in with a midwife. I feel quiet excited now.

logan - Congratulations and good luck

Just one thing - Maybe your husband is worried about the possibility of Down's Syndrome or another abnormality (re your age), and the effects that would have on the rest of the family.

When you talk to him about this pregnancy, would it be an idea to assure him that you will do an amniocentesis and only keep the baby if there are no chromosomal abnormalities? This is how a friend of mine convinced her husband for a fifth baby (both were 41).

Personally, I believe in taking such big decisions together in a marriage rather than going the "my body, my choice" route. If it is possible to find a middle ground, I think it's worth trying to find it.

I have already said this to him. But im afraid it hadnt even crossed his mind the reason he doesnt want another child is the cost and because we are on a low pay he says we cant afford it, with him its all about the money. He is very tight and i pay most bills ect out of my wages most of his goes on debts he had before we got together and himself.

i,m so pleased your feeling poor positive maybe once your husband has got his head round it he might be ok.but i,m glad whatever he says your doing what you want must have made abig difference that your daughters and mum are supporting you.i know in a ideal world your husband would be happy but does,nt always work like that sadly good luck i,ve thought about you quite alot the past few days were all here for you

I'd just like to second what Riley has said, I also ended up very depressed, suicidal and was self harming after my termination. I felt so guilty, like I'd let my baby down when it relied on me. I also felt for a long time like I would be punished and that I'd never have another baby again.
I also felt the same as Riley when they scanned me, I saw the picture on a desk turned face down and I was so tempted to pick it up and look at it cos I knew that if I did that I wouldn't be able to go through with it.
I used to wish for the pregnancy to just disappear and I suppose when I ended up backing down and decided to go through with the abortion I was niave to think that it would all just disappear afterwards, I never expected it to have such a huge impact on me for such a long time.
3 years on I still think about my baby and what it would be like etc.
I've now learnt to forgive myself and stop punishing myself but it will always stay with me.
When I was in your situation I did talk to people but I just wish I'd been able to talk to somebody who'd actually been through an abortion, if I'd have known what I know now I wouldn't have done it.
I really think you need to give your DH a good talking to, if he was willing to have unprotect sex with you he should be willing to deal with the consequences!
Be strong xxxxxx

Sorry Logan just read your last message. I'm so glad you've decided to go through with the pregnancy!!! yaaaayyyyy xxxxx

Congratulations

42 is not too old, I know lots of people just having their first at your age.

There is a thread on here for over 40s Mums to be. Have a search, I am sure they will be grateful for your experience

Have a good chat to the MW, she will let you know of other support you can get, especially if she knows DH is being a bit anti (perhaps an understatement).

Good Luck x

Logan, great news that you've decided to make up your own mind.

I have to ask this but what sort of husband threatens to leave his pregnant wife...?? What happened to 'for better for worse'??? Gees.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

I'm about 5 weeks too. My partner also refused to accept the idea because of money.

I went about it slightly differently - making him take complete responsibility for the choice. He found he wouldn't be able to book the appointment, give me the tablet, or sit with me in the bathroom while I lost the baby. Reality check time. He decided to keep it (which I would have done anyway of course).

He's getting over the shock now and even smiling occasionally.

Maybe your dear Jerk (like mine) thinks he can make it all go away with no consequences. Because the consequences would all have been yours. Get him to think the whole thing through properly and really ask himself whether he could do that to the baby, to you and to himself. If he really thinks he could then I'm sorry to say he might not be the best guy for you.

Its awful that you feel so unsupported at home but you are definitely supported here, and by your kids too.

Regarding age, my mum had a healthy boy at 45 - easy birth and uneventful pregnancy. He is now in his first year of comprehensive and the picture of health still. Don't listen to the scaremongers.

Many many congratulations and blessings to you! Keep posting!

Hi i tried to talk to him again today but he is dead set against it. He is still saying he is going to leave he dosesnt want a baby. he says im a neaky cow and did it on purpose, this is not true at all. I said to him it will be ok we will cope but he says he doesnt want the baby and thats the end of it. I said what about missing his son and the new baby , he just said the baby wont be his he wants nothing to do with it. I feel so angry with him and so sad, i want to be happy and tell evryone but he is making me feel tearful. I should be excited and enjoying this but instead im worried that he really will go and end our married. I feel so guilty because of my son he will loss his dad because i want to keep the baby. i just want to cry myself to sleep.

I am so sad for you and this terrible cruel pressure he is putting on you. If your husband leaves without even trying to discus it rationally that is not your fault, and your son will lose his dad because his dad is scared and selfish, not because of anything you've done.

I truly hope that it's the shock and fear that is causing him to behave like this, and that with time he may be more willing to see your side and apologise for the cruel things he's said to you.

I'm really sorry to read this. I think you must do what feels right for you. Are you able to cope alone without your husband? If you think you are then go ahead. There is a long way to go in your pregnancy and he may yet have a change of heart. But you need to be prepared to deal with the possibility that he won't. How will you cope financially and emotionally?

You shouldn't feel guilty - contraception is both of your responsibility and if he was adamant that he didn't want another child, he should have taken more control of it. It would be his decision to leave, not yours.

I became a single parent at the age of 42 and while I had a difficult pregnancy (I felt really sick too), my baby was fine and he's the apple of my eye

This is a terrible situation for you. Your husband is being extremely unfair to put this sort of pressure on you without any possibility for negotiation. I know another lady who had this kind of pressure put on her my her man, to the extent that she went through with it. She still bitterly regrets it 10 years later.

42 is not old- so many women have first babies at that age nowadays. If you have g-children you are probably still in the baby mindset, so it would not be the massive upheaval it might be.

I think you need to be sure in your own mind where you stand on this baby (maybe seek some counselling on your own at this stage), and really engage your husband in debate about it. I do not feel he is giving you a chance to voice your point of view, and it sounds as though you need a really good chinwag about it.

And then make your decision based on what you feel, and what comes out of those discussions. He cannot force you to terminate, after all.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you get the right outcome for you all.

If your husband is so dead set against having a baby, ask him why has he not been sterilised? What, exactly, did he think would be the likely outcome of a good couple of years of sex without birth control? You both have children, you're obviously both fertile so this surely cannot be that big a surprise to him. If he didn't want a baby then he shouldn't have been having sex without birth control - simple as.

Is he planning to go down to the docs first thing in the new year to get snipped so this doesn't happen again or is he going to carry on happily shagging away without a care or contraceptive in the world and then start screaming and yelling again if you get pregnant a second time? He obviously knows you can't use contraception because of your condition so the buck stops with him.

I must admit I would not pander to his tantrums any more. You've decided you're not going to abort so if I were in your situation I would say so and tell him to quit it with the threats and insults. I get the feeling he'll keep this up the whole time he thinks he can bully you into it and will only stop when he realises it isn't working.

Agree with Nekabu tell him you are keeping the baby because you don't want to have to go through the physical and emotional trauma of an arbortion and if he doesn't like he knows where the door is.

just wondering how you are doing loganberry...

Hi blinder im fine thanks except for the sore boobs and constant sickness feeling much more positive and very happy about the baby. Ive told everyone now except my husbands mum and dad i asked him when he was going to tell them and he said we will have to go and tell them but when i asked him again today why he hadnt yet he says because he's worried it will finish them off ( they are both in their late 70's they had him late in life too he's 37). Im sure his mum will be over the moon about it because she didnt see my younger son until he was about 6 because we split up when i was pregnant with him and got back together when he was 10 only been married a few years. It will be her second grandchild and im sure she'll be thrilled. His dad will probably have the same attitude as my husband but im not bothered really. Husband is still being moody and negative but i so excited i dont care anymore if he leaves then so be it i'll be just fine im sure. Thanks for asking blinder its really nice to be able to post on here and get my thoughts out.

Fantastic! You sound much more in control of the situation LB and much more happy. I think your attitude is great.

Well onwards and outwards then!

I'm with you on the sore boobs.

If you are due in Sept you might want to join this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/670739-Due-in-September-2009-Calling-all-the-Christmas-and-New? addwatch=1

Bravo on dealing with a potentially awful situation with grace and style!

Well at least you can be grown up and mature about everything... I am gobsmacked that you have been treated so appallingly and admire you for being so strong. Lets hope he is just in shock and will get over it quickly.

Although if I were you and he threatens to leave again, I'd show him the door!!! (sorry.... hormones up in the air at the moment)

Congrats on your pregnancy.