My Waters Went on Monday at 22+4 :(

[WorzselMummage]

Hi,

Does anyone have any experience of really premature rutured membranes ?

My waters went on monday as a result of an infection i picked up having an emergency stitch put in last week.

Babys fine and the stitch is still holding, i've not gone in to labour but obviously this is a grim situation and we're likely to lose our baby boy.

I'm on some wacking great antibiotics which are making me feel hideous but i have been discharged from hospital, there is nothing mroe they can do there apparently so i am home on bedrest praying babys lungs develop and he stays put for a few more weeks to at least give him a chance.

Does anyone know anyne who has been though this ?

www.sheilakitzinger.com/BirthCrisis.htm

i spoke to Mary Kennedy, i'd phone her again regardless of where i lived. she used to work in a preemie bit, very lovely woman, total kindness, helped me a lot just to get it all off my chest iykwim? she's also a bfc as well so i whinged about all that pumping etc too and she was very sympathetic.

Just wanted to say I'd second what Aitch wrote earlier about the numbness after birth- I felt exactly the same with my DD (DC2), especially as there had been a bit of a rollercoaster along the way (though nothing as horrendous as PROM), and had set my heart on having her next to me after the birth (as somehow we'd made it to 36wks). When she had breathing difficulties and was carted off to SCBU it really broke my heart (having been down that before with DS) and I was left in a ward with mums & babies, feeling empty. The rush of love hadn't come in, just a sense of failure. I think it took at least a week (in fact the time when she finally took to BFing) before I began to feel like she was mine, and could fall utterly in love with her. Maybe in a way I was protecting myself having watched my son fight in SCBU before... I definitely felt for a long time I was hung up on "failing" to manage to carry my babies to term- I had borderline PND but my GP just kept chatting to me on & off, didn't get on so well with the HV so didn't feel I could talk to her about everything & at the time we were dealing with DD's CF diagnosis and I felt too swamped to acknowledge how I felt.

Definitely talk to some counsellors if you can, you have been through sooooo much it's only natural to feel like you do. Be gentle on yourself. Hope DD has a lovely birthday and hope you get some answers re. the glandular fever soon.

Have you been able to give George kangaroo care yet? I found this really helped me start to bond with my DCs.

Thinking of you lots xxx

Aitch is that why they say no to driving then, because of the emergency stop ? I dont think i'd want to try it really, i can t even sneeze without wincing

I had a look at that website, it's shocking so many women feel that they need the support isnt it

I think i'll wait a few weeks and see if it all catches up with me and then speak to the drs if nothings changed. it must surely to be to soon to be feeling anything much.

Jellyfish, No to kangaroo care, i have only held him twice

Hi Worzel, hope you are feeling better now. Had to have emergency cs with dc2 after she developed bradycardia during labour and felt totally numb for quite a while after. I knew I loved her but I think you have such a rush of feelings when you know your baby is in trouble that nothing else can compare to it for a while. After what you have gone through in the last 7/8 weeks this must be absolutely tripled for you. You have had to detatch yourself emotionally for a while or you would never have been able to get through this time without probably having a breakdown. Hope you realise your an inspiration to every person who has read this page, your bravery has touched everyone who knows of your experience and we are all here to support you as best we can. Take care xx

ohhhhhhhh hvae only just caught this thread again, congrats worzel ((((((((((((())))))))))))
hope george is better soon xx

Hi worzel - I think you sound like you are getting tired. I don't mean to over simplify the emotions and hormones and the full on life changing experience you have just lived through. I just mean that the adrenaline of the delivery and the initial SCBU exposure will be wearing off and there is NOTHING more knackering than having a baby in SCBU and I don't care what anyone says. Added onto the surgery [that had you had for someother reason you would be gently pottering about at home] then I think it sounds like your getting tired - and that makes us feel really blue and down.

I think anyway.

Hopefully as your body heals you will feel less blue - but if you don't then it sounds like you have already looked into possible steps. Your a star and a hero and so so brave.

Your threads will be read and suggested to so many who go through similar things to you, I think.

Too much use of word 'blue' please use your own preferred word such as numb or emotional or hormonal or whatever works for you

I 'like' the word blue though - it really summed up several episodes I had postnatally. Not utterly depressed, not filled with grief - just flat and weird despite knowing I was happy.

I feel blue, well blue-grey to be honest.. a bit dingy and washed out and yeah tired, tired is a good word.

I do hope people find these posts helpfull in the future, it's helped me no end to be able to get it all out. Mumsnet knows more about how i feel at the moment then a lot of my friends.. most of them are going though complicated pregnancies of their own so just dont get it and Dfs a man, too bloody straightforward, i think mils starting to feel a bit put upon and my mums full of sympathy but lives miles away. I dont know anyone in RL who's trials even come close to ours so its quite lonely too.

I probably need a good cry, it started yesterday in the ar with Df and then the fucking sore finger appeared and then we had arrived at the hospital and i had to pull myself together, i dont think df had even noticed.

Oh god i am so sorry to keep going on and on and on about it

UNcomplicated pregnancies of their own.

Know what you mean about DHs/men being too straightforward- I couldn't really talk to my DH at all, he just didn't get it, and would say oh-so-helpful things like "you're dwelling on it too much" & "other people are going through a lot worse, we should just be grateful" (the latter of which I know is true, there's always going to be people who are worse off, but that wasn't helping me right then!). I think many of us end up fairly isolated by our experiences- like you no RL friends had any clue what we went through, and probably (hopefully) never will- as I do think you have to go through stuff like this to undertsand how it feels and of course wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Keep talking to us, that's what we're all on here for And do let yourself cry, it does help (even if it's on your own). Tiredness is a killer, magnifies all emotions at least 10 times I reckon- and after all you've been through I'm sure you are exhausted.

Huge hugs (((( )))) Hope you can have some kangaroo cuddles with your gorgeous lil' man soon x

Reading all of the above has made me cry. It was like reading all of my own thoughts and feelings back to me this time almost a year ago. My dds were born at 34 weeks by CS after I had pre-eclampsia and cholestasis. My precious babies were taken away from me before I could even hold them and rushed to NICU, then SCBU. I didn't get to see them or hold them for 24 hours after the birth. It was the weirdest and flattest experience of my life. When I did see them all I could do was cry. When I was put onto the post natal ward, surrounded by all those women with their babies, I felt like a complete and utter failure. I also thought that all of my hopes for bonding had been ruined because I didnt have skin to skin with my girls when they were born. The whole time they were in SCBU (only 2 weeks - we were so lucky - altho it felt like an eternity) I felt as if I was holding my breath. I haven't really ever spoken to anyone about this - I have found that unless people have actually been through it they find it hard to understand. The whole experience that you're going through, Worszel, is an emotional rollercoaster, totally and utterly shattering. It is no wonder that you are exhausted and feel 'blue-grey'. The fact that you have spent months trying to hang on to your beautiful little boy, living in daily worry, is just mind-blowing. You are incredible and I am so, so impressed with what you have done and coped with. Your little boy is very very lucky to have you as his mummy and in a few months time you will be sitting somewhere quiet, just you and him, and will feel so contented and right - this will all be behind you. Kangaroo care is fantastic - do ask about it and let us all know how you get on! It has been proven to help teeny tiny prem babies and I saw it happen with babies much earlier than mine in SCBU. It will also help you, and that is very very important as you need looking after. I hope that you are surrounded by SCBU staff who are caring and lovely. There is nothing wrong with admitting you feel dreadful and sad - do try to talk to someone about it and keep posting on here. Please DO keep going on and on about it if it helps and don't feel that you should have to pull yourself together. Honestly, you are doing so amazingly well and it will get better. I sometimes sit and look at my girls and can't imagine why I ever worried we wouldn't bond because the relationship we have now is so, so strong - I cannot imagine how it could be any stronger regardless of how they came into the world or spent their first few weeks. You will get there. Enormous hugs.

Just a thought re driving - does your SCBU have a parents' support group? Mine had one made up of parents whose dcs had been in SCBU at one point and they would help out re transport and things.

Worszel - I just looked at the date at the start of this thread - 28/11/08 - and your waters had gone five days before that. So that's 6-7 weeks? that you have been living in terrible anxiety and physical distress - with all the antibiotics and then the c-section. It's a long, long time to be under strain and your body will protect you as best it can. I think you're very wise to seek some counselling when you feel you need and I hope you get to hold George lots soon. Your son is here and he's doing fine and that's because of you. Never, ever doubt yourself - he is, despite everything thats happened, a lucky little boy.

This is your thread Worzel - you can come on here and hum if you like!! And have a jolly good weep and wail anytime too. Thats why it's here so you should follow your nose and do as seems best. Bet a good sob would help. Glass of wine to go with?

i thought about waiting too, to see if it caught up with me, but a pal said why wait to hit rock bottom, why not start to get help now? i thought that was good advice and i really feel like i might have dived into a good bout of pnd had i not had help quickly.

i think i just needed to fold up some of my whirring thoughts and put them neatly in a cupboard in my brain, and that allowed me the space (to continue this rather laboured theme) to relax into loving dd2.

like northern says, you have been under TREMENDOUS strain for the past while, i cannot imagine. remember, my strain was over a few days and i still felt completely adrift... really, you CANNOT be expected to cope with all that fear on your own. please give Mary a call, she will help you, i know it.

If I had it to do over again I'd get help for PND the very first time someone mentioned it to me. Instead I waited months until the aforementioned rock bottom. Wasted months when I could have felt so much better.

Hi!! Anything new? Everything ok?
[Still nervous when no post for a day emoticon]

Morning lovely

ever things ok i'm just finding it hard to manage my time at the mo, dont seem to have time to do anything

How are you ? hows the slush ?

Its just said on the news that it was
-11 here last night, brrrrrrrr !!

George is ok, he's lost some weight though so he's down to 2lb now and keeps havng these bradycardias and has been put on caffeine, the cpap is on most of the time now too but it's not oxygen just low pressure air, they say it just gives him a bit of stimulation to remind him to keep breathing. He's on insulin too as his bm was up yesterday but they have increased his feeds to 0.5ml every 2 hours so i guess that why. he's got wires everywhere, its terrifying. To be honest im not asking to many questions because i am scared of the answers.. they tell me he's doing as well as he can for a 27 weeker. i have been doing his cares and it's like handling a little baby bird

oh goodness - I realise I'm nearly a week too late, been a lurker but hadn't checked for a while.

Congratulations to you and little George.

Hi Worzel I just wanted to nip in to tell you that there is no shame in PND!! I had a bout of regular depression about 8 years back and as a result got reffered to a consultant when I got pregnant. He said the most comforting thing ever -

Just because you have had depression once doesnt mean you will get it again. You push anybody far enough and they will crack it is normal!

I think you have been pushed further than most people could cope with and you have been amazingly strong. Being able to ask for a little help is not weak it shows a strength of mind, self awareness and determination that is admirable.

Still thinking of you and George and just to let you know apparently my DP was a 26 week preemie 30 years ago and now he is having one of his own!

Hi Worzel,

{{{{HUGS}}}} SCBU is a very scary place and I know you are scared ofthe answers maybe knowing what some of the wires are for and doing will ease the anxiety. I worked with a few mums when babies were in scbu and we went together to find out what was what - she found that some of the wires were alot less frightening when they had a purpose.

Also like all newborns he will lose a little weight but if they are increasing his feed he will regain it. The CPAP is only there to stop him from getting too tired - if he is tired he won't cope with any setbacks he has. And he will have a setback or two but he will also grow stronger and make giant leaps you never thought he could as such a tiny boy.

Your DP is also probably feeling a bit scared and in typical man fashion is pretending it's not happening. Unless he is a very touchy feely bloke (which it sounds like he's not) I would find someone to speak to sooner rather than later - bottling it all up now will only lead to problems later on. yOur NICU co-ordinator should have some numbers of pepople you can talk to.

Sorry for he long post.

Hugs and prayers for you and George and his Daddy too.

We're all thinking of you Worsz xxx

Just a quickie Worszel as I'm at work
My DS sounds so much like George- he also needed caffeine (and sodium and an enriching powder (basically fat) added to my milk- we used to joke he was on the worst diet possible - or a typical Northern Irish diet!). He used to terrify me with the bradys/apnoeas, and that stage seemed to go on forever and was part of the reason he was in fairly long for a 30-weeker- but suddenly at 6 weeks old he finally grew out of them and also got the hang of bottle feeding (we were still working on BFing, so he just had EBM in bottles really to get us home) and was home when 8 weeks old. But those 8 weeks seemed to last forever, it is soooo exhausting (and we had it fairly easy too compared to others..). Your little man WILL get there- it is frightening seeing them with all those wires, you are afraid to even touch them- but there will come a time where it becomes a distant memory.

Have you been able to have any kangaroo cuddles yet? Really don't be afraid to ask about them- I never thought I had any "right" to hold my son and was so afraid to but in retrospect realise if I'd asked to more I probably could have more. Once he was about 3 weeks old and a bit more stable (& off CPAP) we'd spend hours each day with him cuddles inside my jumper- it was the best feeling in the world.

OK that wasn't so short good job everyone else in the office is out at lunch!!
Loads of love to you & your family xxx

Hi Worszel, what you describe sounds par for the course for a 27 weeker. We were told that it's typical for them to have more bradys/desats once feeds start increasing, and it is pretty rare for a baby of that gestation not to need CPAP. Caffeine is I think standard - dd had all of the above and it seemed like they would never go away, but they did, bit by bit....CPAP after 5 weeks, caffeine and oxygen after 6, regular bradys around the same point.

In the early days, DH was much better than me at understanding the charts, the wires and explaining them to me. As for the feelings....well the term most often used is rollercoaster.....I didn't have PND but I think dd was 6 weeks old before there was a day I didn't break down in tears.

as jellyfish says, do ask and ask again for kangaroo care, ideally skin to skin. It is physically good for both of you and good for your milk supply.

If you want to chat about anything you can send me a private message thru my BLISS profile - Liza

Lots of love and hugs to you and your family

Hi Worszel, still lurking and thinking of you. I know nothing, but nothing, about prem babies, but I am absolutely sure that after being in such a terrifying situation for so many weeks that something has to give. No one can just cope with that mixture of fear and impossibility of doing anything about it without something cracking for a while. I hope you get lots of support - take everything that is offered, personal, professional, the lot. No shame at all in any of it - best of luck and good strong growing vibes to George.