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Pregnancy

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Original poster

DH's 'gender disappointment' - will he get over it - advice please

55 replies

Sallypuss · 06/08/2008 10:08

Morning all

Since we first discussed the possibility of having a child together, DH has talked of wanting a son. I'm 29 weeks pg and found out for definite last week that LO is a girl. I know DH is really disappointed and said to me on Monday evening that he wants a son more than anything (and is happy to keep trying until we have one!). In my hormonal state, I'm pretty upset by this (even though I know it's fact) as I'm worried that that he won't love DD and they won't bond at all. Other than his mother, DH comes from an all male family.

BTW - I'm delighted we're having a DD. MIL is also pleased as she has one grandson already and this will be first grandaughter on both sides.

Does anyone have any experience of this where DP/DH have expressed disappointment (either explicit or implicit) before the birth?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

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ImnotOK · 06/08/2008 10:12

I was gutted (I know flame me know) when I found out my dd was a girl I had built myself up to be having a boy and when the sonographer said it's a girl my heart sank.

I came home and went to bed for the afternoon and stomped round for a couple of hours then got over it.

Now my dd is 2.5 and I would not be without her ,I think lots of people experience gender disapointment and he will be fine .

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/08/2008 10:13

He doesn't have a clue how he will bond with and love his daughter. (And he will!) I understand how you feel, but TBH I'd have been disappointed (even momentarily) if I'd found out it was a boy at the scan. I'm glad I didn't in a way because if it's a boy I have no fear of being disappointed after I have given birth to him! When you give birth to your beautiful daughter your DH will fall in love with her, he just has no frame of reference for girls. I think it's very normal to be fixated on one gender, I will keep trying (within reason) until I get a girl, for example.

dinkystinky · 06/08/2008 10:23

He'll get over it - I was convinced I was having a little girl and was astounded when found out was having a boy. DS is now 2.4 and I couldnt imagine life without him. Your DH is probably just worried he wouldnt be able to interact with a little girl, but he'll be absolute fine and all little girls I know are total daddy's girls...

HereComeTheGirls · 06/08/2008 10:24

My DH always wanted a boy.

We had a girl, and now he is besotted and says he is glad we had one!!!

nervousal · 06/08/2008 10:42

Dp wanted DD to be a boy - when we found out she was a girl at the scan his repsonse was "oh. Are you sure?" Now she is totally Daddy's girl and he and she are besotted with each other.

ShowOfHands · 06/08/2008 10:50

It's extremely common and I can understand your dh's reaction. I was similarly disappointed about finding out the gender of my PFB. He hasn't realised that he only knows one, eventually unimportant thing about her. He doesn't know her personality yet. He doesn't know that she'll giggle at him and cuddle him and hold his hand. He doesn't know what it's like for his little girl to fall asleep in his arms, to feel protective over her, to watch her sleep for hours on end. He hasn't fallen in love with her yet. He will and one day he'll turn round and laugh at his disappointment about one small, inconsequential thing.

aurorec · 06/08/2008 10:51

He told you he wanted a son and was happy to keep trying a couple of days after you found out it was a girl???
No offence but I would have decked him....

Saying that I second what the last 2 posters say- once DD will be born she will be a bona fide Daddy's girl. He won't be able to resist her!

ghosty · 06/08/2008 10:51

This is precisely why I don't think people should find out the sex of babies before they are born ...
Surely if you wait until the birth, the happiness or relief of getting it over with and seeing the baby for the first time will overshadow any shallow feelings of gender preference?

Would he say, "I don't want that one, I wanted the other one" in an Andy from Little Britain voice?

I am sure he will get over it. Most girls I know are real daddy's girls and most blokes are completely chuffed to have a daughter.

CuckooClockWorkShy · 06/08/2008 10:54

This is why I think finding out the sex in advance when you have a preference is inadvisable.

It is very common to have a girl first and then a boy.

As soon as she is born, your dh will love her SO much. He still wants a son, and I understand that, I want a daughter, but it won't make him love your dd less.

If you end up with 2 dds (hooray for you!) then maybe you could do microsort in Spain??

cazzybabs · 06/08/2008 10:57

My dh is desperate for a son and heir however we have 3 girls...I think we have no chance of a son. Girls are fab.

ilovemydog · 06/08/2008 11:02

I think that men go with what they know. This whole having kids, in my opinion, can scare them, so having a boy for a guy isn't quite so scary. Same biology etc. Plus it sounds as if he isn't used to girls?

he'll probably be a bit nervous at first, if he's anything like my DP, and get more confident, and then be daddy's princess very soon!

When we found out we were having a girl, mil said, 'oh, I so wanted a boy to carry on the family name?'

OFSTEDoutstanding · 06/08/2008 11:18

Thats nothing when I told MIL that I was pg with number 2 and it would be nice for my ds to have a sister she said 'Oh we don't have girls in this family' Needless to say I was worried I would be sent for a DNA test when I announced that I was having a girl!!!

Pinkglow · 06/08/2008 11:21

My DH didnt mind what we had but did say that if we had a girl he was worried that he wouldnt be unable to relate to her as well as he would with a boy, he changed his mind when I pointed out that some of his friends have girls and they relate to their DDs just fine.

He comes from a all male house (apart from his mum) so the worry I think was perfectly legitable - but as I said he didnt have a preference as such it was just a small concern

ScoobyDoo · 06/08/2008 11:23

Oh honestly as soon as your dd is born he will adore her.

When i fell pregnant for the 2nd time, dp said he only wanted boys (we already had a ds & dp also has another ds from previous) when we found out dp said he was happy but i think he was more happy for me than anything.

When dd was born he was amazed by her, he adores her, there relationship is unbreakeable & they are inseperable, there bond is very very strong.

Please don't worry, there really is no point, i am sure he will adore your dd when she is born there is nothing better than there Father/Daughter bond

Pinkjenny · 06/08/2008 11:25

We found out the sex of our PFB as we knew that one of us would be disappointed. Dh would have preferred a boy, and I know he was trying not to be disappointed for the rest of the pregnancy.

But I can honestly say that I don't think it matters once that little bundle pops out. He loves feeling his little daddy's girl, and although I still think he'd quite like a boy at some stage, realises that it doesn't matter as much as you think it will while pg.

Pinkjenny · 06/08/2008 11:26

OK, that sounds AWFUL!!! I meant to say, he loves feeling like she's hes little daddy's girl.

Oh my lord.

hughjarssss · 06/08/2008 11:28

I agree about being father/daughter bond.

DD is 9 months and dp absolutly adores her. I know she's going to be a daddies girl!

And dp wanted a boy as well

eidsvold · 06/08/2008 11:31

a different perspective - at our 20 week scan we learnt that our PFB would be born with a very serious heart defect. Local hospital diagnosed a heart defect with the following outlook - three open heart surgeries prior to 1st birthday and a heart transplant if the baby survived to be a teenager.

On being sent to london for fetal cardiac scan - we learnt that she would have a serious heart defect that was repairable. We also learnt that she would be born with down syndrome. We were not phased by the down syndrome - we had had very positive experiences of families with members who happened to have down syndrome.

To be told that our daughter would need to spend the first few days of her life in ICU - that she would probably be in heart failure. That without surgery she would definitely die. TO know that we would have to hand our daughter over at a very young age ( 8 weeks as it turned out) for open heart surgery - which still carried a risk of failure.

You know what after all that - boy or girl seemed irrelevant - to surviving at all.

we now have three dds and they are besotted with their dad. They are all dad's girls and he adores them. He does not feel he is missing out by not having a boy.

eidsvold · 06/08/2008 11:32

she spent the first three weeks of her life in ICU/SCBU. At eight weeks old she had two open heart surgeries - the fact she was a girl and not a boy was not an issue. There were so many fragile wee ones in the hospital both times that put that sort of thing - oh no it's a girl - into perspective.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 06/08/2008 11:38

I disagree that this is the reason you shouldn't find out, I think it's precisely the reason you ought to find out if you have a preference. I had absolutely no preference but DH really wanted a girl...I said it was his decision if we found out, he found out a few weeks before me (opened the envelope the sonogrpaher wrote it down in) and was disappointed to find out we're having a boy - but then he spent a day on his own shopping for boy stuff and it's really helped him bond with our baby and get over not having a girl.

He's already chuffed at having a son and we've got another 10 weeks til we even meet him...think it's natural to be a bit disappointed no matter what your preference nor how strong, but finding out does at least allow you to concentrate on the daydreams surrounding your gender-specific child

Ginni · 06/08/2008 12:57

I found out last week I was having a girl and i'm ashamed to admit that I actually cried as I was so disappointed I wasn't having a boy. I was convinced it was a boy and had been imagining what he would be like, thinking of names etc etc. I'm so glad that I opted to find out the sex because now, less than a week on, i've adjusted my thinking and now i'm excited and happy about having my little girl. I'd much prefer to find out the gender earlier on than at birth, especially given my negative reaction to the news, as it's better for me to adjust now than to feel negatively about it when she is actually here.

Sallypuss I agree with the other posters who wrote that once your daughter is born something will take over your dh and he will fall in love with her. I'm hoping that will happen with my dp as he doesn't want our baby full stop and insisted I have an abortion.

ilovemydog · 06/08/2008 13:37

ginni,
He insisted that you have an abortion?

Original poster

Sallypuss · 06/08/2008 13:51

Thanks all for your reassurance - this is why I love Mumsnet - lots of sound common sense advice.

aurorec - yes, I would have decked him on Monday night but I couldn't see through the tears!

eidsvold - thanks for putting it all in perspective. Of course, this is so insignificant compared to what you've been through and please, be reassured that my priority has always been having a healthy child regardless of gender. I'm genuinely pleased that I'm having a girl, just as I would have been if it had been a boy.

ginni re the abortion comment. Poor you - is DP adjusting?

OP posts:

Elmosgirl · 06/08/2008 13:55

My DP did both times we were told our babies were girls, I knew he would like a son and after both scans he admitted he was a bit disappointed they were girls.

Howvere he adores both our DD's, I think he still wants a son but this doesn't take away how much he loves our girls.

lilymolly · 06/08/2008 14:00

Ginni
When I was pg with my first (unplanned)- dp was the most unsupportive little shit I could ever describe- he also wanted me to have an abortion

in fact at 8 months gone I told him to accept it or leave- he stayed- I knew he wanted a boy

dd was born- I cried like a baby and apologised that it was not a girl

You know what He absolutely ADORES her and now I am pregnant with no 2 he wants another girl- So do I an hence why I wont find out at 20 weeks cos if its a boy I may be disapointed

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