DH's 'gender disappointment' - will he get over it - advice please

[Sallypuss]

Morning all

Since we first discussed the possibility of having a child together, DH has talked of wanting a son. I'm 29 weeks pg and found out for definite last week that LO is a girl. I know DH is really disappointed and said to me on Monday evening that he wants a son more than anything (and is happy to keep trying until we have one!). In my hormonal state, I'm pretty upset by this (even though I know it's fact) as I'm worried that that he won't love DD and they won't bond at all. Other than his mother, DH comes from an all male family.

BTW - I'm delighted we're having a DD. MIL is also pleased as she has one grandson already and this will be first grandaughter on both sides.

Does anyone have any experience of this where DP/DH have expressed disappointment (either explicit or implicit) before the birth?

Thanks in advance

If he wanted a son then he needs to find someone willing to go abroad for gender selection procedures. And the means to pay for it.

'Surely if you wait until the birth, the happiness or relief of getting it over with and seeing the baby for the first time will overshadow any shallow feelings of gender preference?'

No, ghosty, it won't. In fact I think it's far better to find out in advance and have time to come to terms with it before the baby is born.

Those posts are coming from the perspective of a woman who has just given birth and actually has a positive rush of hormones afterwards.

Some of us do not have that experience.

We had no gender preference, but after DD1 was born I wasn't a blissful cloud of glowing hormones.

I was a wreck of PND.

Imagine combining that with a man - no rush of postnatal hormones - who is disappointed by the baby's gender and you have a potentially unhappy situation.

Yup, another one here: I was convinced our first would be a lad
so I did feel a little surprised when the midwife showed me the evidence to the contrary.
Disappointed would be far, far too strong a word but for a few seconds
I did feel something strange..like finding out that you have only won 5 million in the lottery and not 6.

I got over it extremely quickly, she is the most amazing little person and I can't imagine life without her.

Irrationally enough, though, I would really like to have a son 2nd time around.
I just don't learn, do I

sally - my story was more for your dh than you.

I have a DD and a DS. Although DH doesn't love one more than the other his bond with DD is much stronger than with DS. I think daddies do love their little girls.

"Those posts are coming from the perspective of a woman who has just given birth and actually has a positive rush of hormones afterwards."
Um, actually expat I gave birth to DS 8 and a half years ago and I didn't have one tiny bit of positive rush of anything when he was born after a very very traumatic birth that threatened both our lives and didn't bond with DS AT ALL ...
I was coming from a perspective that most people have that positive thing ... I am just about the only person I know who didn't
So let's just agree to disagree.
I still think finding out is the wrong thing to do for me but that is my own personal opinion - if people want to find out at 20 weeks and have to deal with 'disappointment' then fine.
When I was pg with DD my Step Witch In Law told me that I was a bitch for not finding out the sex of the baby and she insisted I told her. She told me she would never speak to me again if the baby was a girl. Sadly she hasn't carried out her threat
But I didn't find out because I knew there was going to be nothing rosy about the birth and all that mattered to me was that I had a healthy baby at the end and that I wasn't going to be a basket case again.
Like I say - that is my own personal opinion.

my other half was soooooooooo disapointed with scan of ds2 but now he is here you cannot separate them, they are 2gether at every moment they can ( ds2 is only 6 months old ) and he plays his dad like a fiddle!! they know what they are doing from an early age!! dont worry as soon as LO is born his heart will melt and he will be love!

my h wanted a boy first time round,actually he didnt want any if the truth be known.i said well the cloclks ticking,you either give me a baby or im gone.so after a miscarriage of a twin pregnancy he relented and came aroung to the idea.when my little girl was born,hewas ok,not elated.he finds it difficult to show his feelings at the best of times,actually what he needs is a bomb up his arse to realise what hes got!!in any case he adores our 4 and a half year old daughter.she is his little girl.he buys her alsorts.loves her to bits.so anyway this ones a boy,hes apprehensive if he will bond with him.me being hormonal,less than two weeks off due date am shitting myself in case he doesnt bond with him.he said hes got a shit relationship with his own father.so i too hav got an awkward sod for a husband.incidentally its them who actually decide the sex of the baby if the first place,we are just the incubators!!!!

Sallypuss - he is very slowly coming round, he is really angry about me being pregnant as he wanted to follow tradition and be married after a long term relationship first and he is almost 40 so he waited a long time to do it right. We've only been together a relatively short time so I do feel for him, but there was no way I could have an abortion. He's accepted that i'm keeping the baby at least, but hasn't told any of his friends or family as he's ashamed about it all. My belly is pretty big for 4.5 months but I had to hide it the other week when I met his family! I'm just trying to give him space to decide what he wants to do now and hoping for the best. He spontaneously bought our baby a little plastic duck last week which I was pretty pleased by, there is hope yet!

lillymolly - only just read your post, that is really good news that your man changed his tune so much and wanted to stay with you and your baby:-)

when i was pregnant with DS1 all i wanted was a girl, i was openly disapointed when we found out we were having a boy, but the second he was born i fell in love despite his willy
i would still like a girl one day (now have two boys) but it doesnt affect how i feel about my boys now i have them, i wouldnt change them for the world

i agree about finding out early, i think if i'd gone through my first pregnancy convincing myself it was a girl then having a boy i think there could have been bonding/pnd issues

he will have got used to it before she is born and will love her as soon as she is!

We found out at 21 weeks that we're having a boy from the routine 21 week scan... DH had not expressed preference either way before this but when we found out it was a boy he was dancing around and telling everyone "I'm having a son!"... he went on for days... and still goes on about all the things he wants to do with/teach his son. It's lovely, but... He said he would have been the same way if we had found out it was a girl. I'm just not convinced. I am sure that once it's born he will love it regardless of the gender,
but I have this constant dream that I give birth and it's a girl and the look on his face... I can't bear it. I realize he won't be disappointed and he's always saying if it is a girl, he'll be so pleased.
I am also extremely excited that it's a boy.
This is my first (and only) baby. I will love it regardless.

My husband wanted a boy. So much so we decided to find out at the 20 week scan so that if it wasn't he could get used to the idea. It is a girl and I cried with delight mainly because i had assumed it would be a boy! (i'm now 23 weeks)

The best thing we did was find out as my husband admits he is a bit disappointed it's not a boy (interestingly he's from an all male family as well).

We have had time to discuss his anxieties over having a girl which mainly center around 'not knowing what to do with her'. If we had waited until she was born i am sure we wouldn't have been able to talk this through and help him to express his concerns. So although i see people's points about not finding out i think it's really how you deal with it once you've found out that matters.

I am tempted to say, dear me, who is he, Henry VIII?! But I think to be fair it's more common than you might think - but most men aren't self-indulgent enough to admit it! I know my husband had a few of the "what will I do with her" vibes (he admits it now but wouldn't really back then) as did my cousin and now another friend has been talking to DH about it with the exact same feelings. Rest assured he will come round, my husband is a fantastic dad to our little girl and she is an absolute delight - my cousin is also thrilled with his little lady. I found that their bond became much stronger once they were able to do things together and she grew a little bit older.
He came round so much that now we are having #2 he said he didn't mind whether we had a boy or a girl - as how could he be disappointed with another girl when we have such a fabulous little girl already, which I thought was really sweet. And like others have pointed out, there are really far more important things to worry about. Hope it all goes well for you, I am sure you have nothing to worry about even if it seems upsetting now. Good luck!

My DH was adamant that he didn't want kids.
When I became pregnant the first time he took a while to get used to it and then became convinced that we were having a girl, he named her and said he had dreamt of how she looked...I was so worried that if we had a boy he'd run from the delivery suite screaming 'it's not mine' that I convinced him we'd find out the sex at the 20 week scan.
It was a boy! DH told sonographer she was wrong...it was a girl...she very patiently pointed out winky and said no, she was sure it was a boy...he was still unconvinced and quite huffy, and i cringed with embarrassment.
DH slowly came to terms(ish) that he was having a boy.
Labour day...DH cried with delight at his little boy and refused to let him out of his sight...I had to point out that he was my baby too and to give him back!
DS is now 2.4 and they doat on each other...although mummy is always the one who comforts I cease to exist when D.Daddy comes home!
Now I'm on my second pregnancy he was convinced I'm having a boy...what d'ya know? It's a girl! (They think) He just won't learn!!!

I think it's funny that men still have this deep-seated need of a 'son and heir'.

Did anyone read the recent Jools Oliver interview, where she said she was thinking of having more IVF because Jamie was 'desperate' for a son and would do 'anything'?
It might be my hormones reacting, but I found it so sad. I know they love their little girls, but children are very sensitive, and reading that in the press can't be great for them.
I also found it quite ironic that Jamie was prepared to do anything to have his precious son (who might turn out to be a 3rd daughter anyway) and as a result SHE was the one who had to go through the treatments and procedures....

Am I being unreasonable?

I read that auro and totally agree with you. I was also fairly astounded that Angelina Jolie went for IVF as she didn't want the stress of trying to conceive (WTF?). Personally I suspect it was also partly because they wanted a good chance of a biological son. Pretty sad and depressing really, but that's celebrities for you.

Apparently the IVF rumour is untrue. They mentioned in the interview in Hello that twins run in Brad Pitt's family, that both his grandfather and his sister had/were twins.

Which to me, would make more sense than putting yourself through IVF with 4 young children. But I guess as you say you never know with celebrities.

For instance I remember reading right after the birth of Suri Cruise Katie Holmes mentioning that she had to have another baby soon, because Tom Cruise really wanted a son. I thought at the time that was really off, specially considering he already has a son with Nicole Kidman.

Oh dear I have to stop, this is what happens with pregnancy, I read far too many gossip magazines....

that Tom Cruise's adopted son doesn't count.

I have known two Dads who have been through this, although in opposite directions (wanted a girl, had a boy and wanted a boy, had a girl - perhaps they should have swapped ). Both got over it really quickly and are absolutely fine now. I do think it helps to meet the child and develop a relationship with that individual personality.