Such a mess and don't know what to do.

[Lucyloop99]

Hi everyone, I got positive tests 5th october.
I got a 2-3 on Monday and by Friday i had a 3+ .
I was really happy about it, and now im unsure and worried.

I had an ectopic last year so I have a scan booked in on the 19th to see if baby is in the right place.
Baby dad, emotionally unavailable, one minute wants it, next doesnt.
He spent 2 years going between me and his ex (who's also pregnant and due in january) she got pregnant while me and him had properly split earlier in the year.
When we found out Monday he was happy. Wanted the baby, never wanted the one with her. He was selling his house to come near to me, and now hes changed his mind. He's staying put , for her. Then told me to havr the baby but he won't be around for me like I want him to be.

Him and his ex have had a toxic volatile 18 year relationship , on and off all the time. They are just as bad as each other.

Whereas I am the complete opposite to her. I guess some of me can't comprehend why he would wsnt to be with someone like her, after everything hes told me about her. She aborted his baby 4 years ago at 17 weeks without his knowledge.

Im scared, scared in case its ectopic , scared to do it alone, scared If Ill cope or not. Ive already got 2 children, 6 and 8. With an emotionally abusive father, they don't currently see going through the court system. Ive no family around because they don't like him!
Ny mental health isn't great and im awaiting therapy.
So it is just me and the kids, and a potential baby!

Such a mess !! And I just don't know what to do for the best.

Honestly? I’d terminate. He’s an arsehole.

I do have a call booked in with bpas next week. Unsure if id regret it , scared of all the horror stories I've heard about medical abortions too!

You deserve so much better than a man who keeps flip flopping between you and his ex, and got two women pregnant at the same time. He sounds like a terrible person.

I'd cut contact with him, and then make any further decisions based on the assumption that he won't be around for you or your child.

I’d also abort.

Having this baby will tie you, and your existing children, to this man for the next 20+ years; it’s not in their best interest.

I see you’re saying you’re waiting for therapy. Is it for anything in particular? You seem to have a history of choosing awful men so maybe best to just focus on your and your two children for now without adding more stress to your plate?

Best of luck.

You need to get rid of this guy firstly. He is an absolute loser and will never be anything but . If you want to keep the baby , you need to realise that you will be doing it alone . Personally I would want to have no ties to this man at all so with regret I would have a termination. And please use good contraception so this won't happen again .

The worst thing about this is i actually had a sterilisation booked in a few months ago and he talked me out of it saying he'd feel differently if he knew there wasn't a chance id get pregnant.
For someone who really wanted the fairytale family life, and he knew it , I cancelled it.
And now look. I'm pregnant. And he doesn't want it!

Well when I was very young, i was diagnosed with bpd and never got therapy, but there's now a question mark against this. Mental health nurse thinks more adhd. I need reassment and some talking therapy, as I hit a break down in febrary from my children's dads behaviour. Controlling, stalking. Harrassment. Withholding my oldest for no reason.
He wasnt that bad when we were together but got worse when ee split in knowing where i was , who i was with, using the children to continue the abuse.
Domestic abuse charity involved eventually with a high risk score, i was rehoused away from him, and he was arrested for stalking, when eventually he let himself into my house while I was asleep in bed.

I’ve had a medical termination years ago. It’s honestly not that bad. Then there’s the abortion pill. You could see Brook Advisory or similar to talk you through it.

If you keep the baby you’ll be tied to twunt bucket for next 16 years at least so think about that.

I think you definitely need the therapy whether its ADHD or not and to deal with BPD. I’ve just briefly read up on the therapy for BPD and one is cognitive behavioural therapy. Honestly, if you get the therapy it’ll do you the world of good. Then you’ll attract a nice man.

How old are you out of interest? In case you’d like children in the future.

Sounds like you’ve been through the mill with relationships and you sound lovely. Big hug and support coming to you from me.

And yes, I’m sorry it’s not the fairytale ending you hoped for. I know the feeling when that happens when it goes wrong.

Your kids have suffered many traumas, prioritise them, they'll need lots of specific therapy.
It sounds awful, and adding another person to it all doesn't seem in anyone's best interests.

Is BPD borderline personality disorder or bipolar?

Im 37 now , so feel like this is the last chance for a baby.
My kids are 6 and 8 now and i love the time I get to myself while they are at school. Also that they are a bit more independent now.

I think this man is very good at running a fairytale story, but when it comes down to it, he can't deliver and never will. But I believe it everytime he comes back to promise. And I am head over heels, well less so now I think , but the abandonment issues in me , find it hard to let him go.

I wouldn't say they've suffered many traumas.
The first half of this year was hard, when their dads behaviour spiralled.
But I got my son back, and hes such a different boy without his dad at the moment. He went so withdrawn when he was in his dad's care.
That won't be forever. Were waiting for supervised contact to start. And eventually they'll go back to him on a weekend I guess, depending what cafcass say !

Controlling, stalking. Harrassment. Withholding my oldest, domestic abuse

These are all traumas for children, sadly I speak from experience. Huge impact on developing brains.
Read up on cortisols impact on children's brains, and adverse childhood experiences (I score 6)

You already have 2 children
this relationship does not sound stable

dont have the baby

I too score 6 on ACE's and it has had a massive impact on my life. I'm 45 now and still have difficulties with many aspects of life that others breeze through. All stems from what I went through as a child.
OP don't underestimate what effect this has all had on your children.
In all honestly if I was in your position I would terminate. I had a medical one when my ds26 was 3 months old. I was breastfeeding and on the mini pill but still caught. I knew I could not continue my studies with another child. Do I regret it? In a way. But it was for the best decision for me, my partner (also a student) and our ds.

If this was your daughter, or a good friend in your situation, what would you advise them to do?

It's hard, but try & take a step back & look logically at this.
Your heart is saying it's a baby, last chance because of age & circumstances.
Your head is saying oh heck, another baby to a useless, selfish man who cannot stay faithful & truly love & support us.

Gently, listen to your head. Talk to someone professional. You need some support. Your 2 children need you.

Wishing you all the best @Lucyloop99.

You need to get rid of this man and focus on your kids, allowing this idiot in and out of their lives while they’ve got stuff going on with their dad is selfish and unfair. A termination sounds like the best option for all of you, but ditching crap men is an absolute must no matter what you decide.

Please dont let this man in and out of your life. He doesnt want to commit to either of you, hes playing games. Id think very carefully before bringing another baby into the world by another waste of space. Good luck

Why on earth would you have a baby with this man?

Guess because there's a part of me that really wanted that, But I know deep down. In reality it would be shit.

Well to be fair to you, you could have a baby up to 40.

Honestly, a few years ago my then best friend got involved with a man who she had a baby with and yes like you he had another woman on the go pregnant with her baby at the same time. A few years later on now her DD is a teenager they’ve broken up.

What advice would you give to a friend in your position?

My opinion is you should terminate. He sounds a loser. You have 2 kids already. You don't want any tie to this dickhead for the next 20 years. Get him out of your life and focus on your existing kids.

I have read your responses & I think as you already have 2 children. I don’t think you need another with this man. You need a decent man who would be invested in you & your family. Don’t have another baby.

I had an abortion. I simply popped a few pills & that was it. No horror stories from me. Just heavy bleeding for a day or two.

I wouldn't abort because of him, only if you really want to, it sounds like you might regret it anyway.

I had a surgical abortion because I felt the same as you. I woke up and it was all over, a little cramping and I think maybe a bit of bleeding but to be honest I can't remember now.

Just pointing out that's an option, wishing you luck in whatever you decide x