MIL calling unborn baby a stereotypical name instead of chosen name, am I overreacting?

[JSmith1990]

Feeling really upset and not sure if I’m overreacting.

I’m currently pregnant and my husband and I have chosen a name for our son. His mum knows the name.

However, she’s started referring to the baby as “Baby Igor” instead. There’s already a difficult relationship there and we don’t really speak much, but this has really bothered me.

For context, I’m originally from a country that’s often grouped with Russia, so names like that carry a bit more sensitivity for me personally, even if it’s not intended that way.

It doesn’t feel like a harmless nickname to me, it feels quite dismissive of the name we’ve chosen for our child, and it’s left me feeling really disrespected and upset. My husband doesn’t really see the issue and thinks I’m reading too much into it.

Am I overreacting, or would this bother others too?

Has she been asked why she’s calling the baby Igor? It sounds like it could be racism but it needs a bit more context. Is there a big backstory to this relationship? Husband should be supporting by asking his mum to respect your name choice

There’s honestly no reason why she should call him Baby Igor. It seems completely out of nowhere hence why I feel justified in assuming it must be because of my background. The backstory is quite complicated but in short we do not speak at all and she did not attend our wedding.

If you don't speak then how do you know what she calls your baby? You have a DH problem, it doesn't matter if it doesn't bother him it bothers you and he should be telling his Mother to stop, immediately, that no one should be intentionally upsetting his wife. He needs to grow a spine.

If you don't speak how do you know she's doing this?
If its your husband telling you I would just tell your husband you don't want to hear about his mother.

whats the plan when the babies born? Will she be allowed to see them? This is something you may want to discuss with your husband and have a clear plan.

I would just ask her direct. "MIL, you know we've chosen the name X, why do you insist on referring to him as Baby Igor?" Ask it in a light way, not aggressive or confrontational. See what she has to say about it.

She’s exerting control—“I won’t call your baby the name you want, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

What is your DH doing about it?

Could your DH be winding you up? If he knows you have an issue with her, and he knows this will push your buttons? Not funny, if so.
And if not, he needs to politely say the baby will be called X. And if she uses another name, he/you say calmly and politely that we've been over this, we're hanging up/leaving each time you say this.

If you don't speak/are NC then I would just not give this any headspace. Sounds like she's trying ,and succeeding, to wind you up.

Also as an aside it's best just not to share the chosen name until after baby is born. I see all sorts of upset on here caused by that.

Igor doesn't have positive associations in this country. I think it's more than a silly nickname or xenophobia - this is a pretty unflattering choice. Even without knowing the details of your relationship, I think you're right to interpret this as a hostile choice.
If this is already her attitude towards your child, I wouldn't facilitate much of a relationship going forward.

If you don't speak... how does she even know your baby's name?

That’s the plan going forward, I do not feel comfortable having her anywhere near our son. I understand and respect her role as my husband’s mother and I am keeping my distance, but I do draw the line at her clearly disrespecting my son who isn’t even born yet.

She’s my husband’s mother so he still speaks to her.

Ah sorry I took it up as neither of you spoke to her. Well I'd tell your husband to grow a pair and put haler in her place and stop discussing YOUR baby with someone so disgusting.

And what is his response when she does this? Surely he’s putting her straight?

Why would your husband tell you something that he knows would upset his pregnant wife. I don’t understand why he would do this. You would otherwise be unaware.

We had a friend who called our unborn baby Aubrey Strawberry. Turned out to be a girl. I think you should have kept your chosen name to yourselves. But she’s been included and now has come up with a nickname. It’s what some people choose to do for some bizarre reason. My DMs friend could not accept her grandson was Sebastian, so she calked him John! You just have to make it clear what his name is when you register it and your dh needs to tell her there’s no calling him anything else.

My DDs boyfriend is of Russian decent but they live in a EU country. We have jokingly called him Vlad the Impaler but only between me and DH! Never ever in front of him or DD. If they have a baby it won’t be baby Vlad either!

I think there’s sometimes a bit of superstition around giving a name to an unborn child (it’s seen as tempting fate by some - in a similar vein to not having a cot/clothes etc until the very last minute). The nickname is a way around that without calling the baby “it” or “the bump”. We had a similar nickname for our DC; my second child was known for some time after her birth as Brenda (not her name!). I know you’ve said there’s history with your MIL, but just offering this as an alternative point of view for what it’s worth.

Just as an aside but pretty sure Vlad the Impaler was from Romania.

”What did you just say?” Get her to repeat it. “why would you say that?”
I ended up nc with my parents. It started with them calling my baby X full name and saying they hated the common nickname we were referring to her as. They also made an entire nursery in their house about six months before I gave birth.
Stick with nc, they only get more batshit as time goes on. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight! I don’t have any contact with them and DD is now 14. Luckily the poisonous in laws all died as well. And the “father” disappeared 7 years ago.
The best thing you can do as a parent is to cut out the batshit and the bullshit. Good luck OP, stand your ground. Take no shit!

@custardlover Do you know DDs boyfriend? People of Russian descent aren’t just in Russia!

You need to sit your H down and tell him he has to tell his mother to cut that out.

It's very hostile behaviour on your MIL's part and I think your reaction is 100% reasonable. Your H seems more attached to his dear mother than to you or to his own baby. Has he no idea of the reality of the baby? His inability to understand your reaction here suggests that.

If your H won't set his mother straight, then you need to start thinking about where his loyalty lies, and he needs to know that you are questioning this.

You need the certainty that he fully has your back with the baby on the way, the certainty that he is as enthusiastic and invested in this baby as you are, and the certainty that he has chosen you and the baby - his own little family - and cut the apron strings.

Make sure he understands what's at stake here.

If you don't know, "Igor" in the UK means at the very mildest, a weird Slavic person, a bit gothic, a bit cartoony. But more prevalent is the Igor stereotype of a hunchbacked mad scientist's assistant, fawning and slightly subhuman with a thick Eastern European accent.

It certainly doesn't just mean "a Slavic name" in the UK. It's not like saying baby Alexei or baby Yuri or baby Boris.

If anyone I knew called the baby of a Russian/Ukrainian/Belarusian/Estonian etc etc this, I would think it pretty racist to be honest. Diminishing and rude.

If I was Greek (which I'm not) and pregnant (which I'm not) and had chosen the a name for my unborn son, I would expect my MIL to refer to him as 'the baby' or the unborn name. Not 'Baby Stavros'.

It's ignorant
It's rude
It's what we refer to in our house as 'racism-lite'.

I'm not sure I make those associations with the name Igor. I do think it's ignorant and rude (see my post above) but I don't think Igor is any worse or better than Baby Boris or Baby Pavel

Your husband doesn't have to see the issue; if you've clearly said that it upsets you he should ask her to stop or at the very least not encourage her to do it (keep using the real name, ignore her completely or change the subject if he's afraid to challenge her).

Igor isn't a name usually used in English-speaking countries; there's no English language equivalent and if anything I'd think the Scandinavian form Ingvar would be more likely to be used. There's no reason for your MIL to be using any random name for the baby, especially one which is easily read as culturally insensitive even if not meant that way. Your husband should be prioritising your comfort over his mother's unexplained whims, especially while you're pregnant, and in your place I would be quite annoyed and disappointed at him trying to tell you that YOU are the one being rude or odd here.