Facing criticism/judgement over baby no.6

[Loudhouse6]

hi, are there any ladies here who have experienced judgement or criticism for the size of their family? How did you deal with people judging your families size?

me and my husband have been together 20 years. We have five children together 18,8,7,5&2 we are expecting our last baby later in the year. We had our first child when we were 18&20. No one believed we would last being so young but we proved everyone wrong. When we became more financially stable we had our second and subsequent children.

I’m so anxious at the thought of announcing because we’ve already taken a lot of criticism from friends, family and even strangers when it came to babies 4+5.

to give some context we both work full time running our own business which means we’re financially independent and are sensible with money. Working together means we are more than able to juggle work and kids without relying on childcare.

We don’t rely on friends or family to take care of our children and our oldest child who is soon to turn 19 is not asked to baby sit or take responsibility for her younger siblings in any way. I have heard of older siblings becoming like second parents but this is absolutely not the case with us. We may have a babysitter once or twice a year so me and my husband’s life is literally raising our children and work.

giving all of the above I don’t understand why we have been judged so harshly when we are hard working parents who don’t depend on anyone for any sort of support. All of our children are well cared for and loved. We make sure we have one on one time with our children whether it’s activities or a trip out and we also do activities as a whole family.

my brother has said some very derogatory things to me in the past about how many children I have and it makes me wonder if other people think the same way of me too.

sorry for the ramble it’s just we’re a big happy family and I don’t want our joy spoiled. How did you ladies cope with the criticism?

We were both one of three. He’s a middle child and I’m the youngest of three.

It absolutely is enough to raise a big family. We don’t struggle really, I save for everything we need. Im paying to get my daughter through he driving test and we’ve already saved for her first car. We’ve saved and paid for our family holiday this year and we have paid activities each week for our children. He works 50hrs I work 30hrs. Sometimes I work a little more sometimes he works a a little less. We work it to suit our life.

We wouldn’t be able to do that if we worked for someone else. We have a few trustworthy employees which helps too. Sometimes I have paperwork to do on a night once the kids have gone to bed but we make sure we have no business talk once the business closes on Saturday afternoon till opening again on Monday morning.

I asked my daughter how she felt about a big family and she said although her younger siblings can be annoying sometimes, she’s never felt like she missed out on anything and even gets a little jealous if she can’t come on family days out due to her working.

I came from a quite wealthy family growing up but was always taught to work hard for what I wanted in life and didn’t get everything given easily. I hope to teach my children the same. My parents were always good with money and weren’t lavish people. I’m very similar to them.

I have seen many families with way less children than me spend less time with their children that we do with 5. Our mornings start early and I go to bed late.

I would never expect any of my children to care for their siblings they have their own lives and childhoods to enjoy. Like you we save for holidays and days out and this year I paid for a holiday monthly. We put money away into savings every month sometimes more some months than others.

My husband is extremely hands on he’ll cook tea and do baths run the Hoover round and clean the kitchen. Although I wouldn’t trust him with the families washing lol that’s my job. I would never have chose to have so many children if he hadn’t been so hands on with our first. He doesn’t have the attitude of I’ve been at work all day so I don’t have to do anything. We work well together at home and work.

Our relationship is very strong and our children will see the love we share. Like you my kids want for nothing. I save all year round for their birthdays and Christmas as we have three birthdays in one month. It means come that month I’m financially prepared. I know families who give their children a lot less than we do but you’ll know it’s not all about materialistic things.

You’ve just got one expensive teenager at the moment, what happens when you have a handful of teens, will you be able to buy them cars, have at least 2 going to uni (based on % of young people going to uni).

I wouldn’t judge but as the eldest (of only 3) I’d feel a bit sorry for your eldest who might have had it hard in her teen years as you had 5 babies all when she possibly could have done with more support than before

He called me a sl*t and told me to close my legs. Told me all I’m good for is spitting out babies. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and married 10 of those. All my children have the same dad. Still made me feel dirty though. Yet he doesn’t work even though he could, doesn’t have anything to do with his own children. He treats women badly so I should have expected it but it still wasn’t very nice to hear. I probably do more in one day than he does in a whole week. He’s married to the bottle unfortunately

Just looking at it from the children’s perspective, I know someone with 9 children (all boys). At one point when they were all teens or thereabouts I asked them if they would emulate their parents and have big families. It was a resounding no. They are all adults mostly married now and none of them have followed suit, in fact a couple have decided to remain child free.

i think this is great advice. I do struggle in justifying myself and I always have done with certain people. I have grown a thicker skin but I guess the anxiety came over me when I thought about announcing this pregnancy. My husband doesn’t get criticized I think it’s a womanly thing. The men get high fived while the women get looked down on. That’s how it seems sometimes anyway

I’m putting my oldest through her driving test right now. She’s had some lovely holiday abroad over the years and enjoyed family trips to Florida, Spain, France, Cyprus and more. We already have the money saved for her first car. My children all do hobbies of their choice that we pay for weekly. My children are loving and affectionate as are we as parents. We save all year round for birthdays and Christmas so they get more than enough in that way too. They get more than just the basics I can assure you. The main thing is we as parents don’t really spend money on ourselves but we’ve never been lavish. My younger children are much more appreciative than my oldest was at their age. It’s only now at nearly 19 and working and ready to leave collage that she really appreciate what she received. We are a happy family and our relationship is strong. We’ve been together 20 years and work as a team. It just gets tiring when people close get rude when they never asked to contribute in anyway to our family

I absolutely get that my life isn’t for everyone and I’m totally with people who are one or done or people who choose to be childless. I don’t judge people in that way. It’s not that I’m trying to convince them they should have so many children I just get frustrated when they make comments about my life when I don’t judge theirs

None of my children have to do any childcare to their siblings. Never have done never will

As will your children! Our birthrate is declining, we need people to breed future tax payers!

Sod the lot of them OP. I would have loved to have been wealthy enough to have a large family and also have the lifestyle I have. We made a decision to stop at 2 so that we could do private education, exotic holidays etc. But I do wonder at times if we made the right choice.

I have to say, I’m quite jealous of your large family!

I have a daughter and four boys. I agree that they should learn to clean up after themselves and their own spaces, my husband also instills this in the boys. When I said I had things down like clothes and toys there was some criticism from some posters that I was scrimping and that’s not the case at all. Like you I don’t believe in being wasteful and if things are still in good condition we pass them down. We would be criticized if we didn’t. Not everything they have is passed down.

Sleeping situation is also similar ds 1+2 didn’t want to be separated while ds3 wanted his own space but then changed his mind and we find him in with the other two quite often. My oldest is our daughter and she has her own room for obvious reasons. Ds4 is still in our room but he will go into the room with my five year old until we extend to make bedroom five.

My daughter even said to me the other week, I hope you’re not expecting me to move out anytime soon because I don’t intend on moving out for a while yet. She feels like she’s got it comfy at home with her own space. She can spend time with her soblings but also has her own space when they younger ones get a bit much and she knows she has me and her dad for anything she needs. This tells me she’s happy here or she would be moving out the first chance she got. If her life was bad or neglectful or put upon like some people assume. She very much wants to be at home still and I more than happy with that.

its lovely to hear you have a village of family and friends around you. I envy you a little. Sadly we don’t have that. My husbands parents have never had much time for our children even when we only had one child. I don’t think they really wanted to be parents never mind grandparents, I’m glad my husband isn’t like his parents. His wider family isn’t close. My family was very close but we’ve had saldy lost a lot of family members over the years and now our once big extended family is small. I do feel out of everything my children are missing out more in that respect than anything else. I have fond memories of my big extended family growing up

I think people do judge anything over 2 children, when we had our 3rd and we shared on social media with friends and family we had a few "jokey" comments about me loving maternity leave or being work shy (we had 3 in 5 years). We both work full-time in career type jobs and are very well educated, did everything in the correct order and have been together since we met at university over 20 years ago. We found out a couple of months ago we are expecting our 4th child, it wasn't planned and I actually considered an abortion partly because of the judgement I thought we'd face and partly the logistics (needing to move to a 5 bed house, being in 4 places at once for sports etc). I found myself judging myself, even though we have the resources and will provide another child with a dam good life. We both come from families with 3 children, but only 1 of our siblings has had children (2), the 3 who haven't are past the age of having children so our children are actually the only grandchildren on one side. I guess we had their share of children too!

You will receive judgement but I wouldn't let it bother you, if you can afford them, have the time, space in your house and are raising happy, healthy children what is it to anyone else?

Im thinking of how much use you get from your local authority with six chiildren. But you dont pay a penny extra council tax for them. Children suck up resources, generate waste and spread diseases. They contribute nothing to the community until they are old enough to work. Assuming they can find a job because we have a huge glut of young people now dossing about without jobs. Nearby there will be a single person household (possibly a pensioner who has worked for 40 plus years) who gets a miserable 25% discount. That person is directly subsidising you and your family. wrong wrong wrong.

This clearly isn't a person whose views count for much.

And who cares if a woman has children with different dads or isn't married? Does that make them "dirty" in your opinion, or deserving of those kind of insults? It's not ok to call any woman those kinds of names, I don't care what her circumstances are.

You seem quite invested in the idea that you're not one of those families with 6 kids, you're a "good" big family because you run a business, pay for your kids yourself and are married and still together. You're entitled not to be insulted or to face discrimination or misogyny for having 6 children, but you're also not entitled to validation or praise from others for how you run your life.

You can't control what others say, but you can control how much you engage with what they say and whose opinions matter to you. You don't need to defend yourself against nastiness or try to convince people - your family size is your choice and your business and nobody else's and that's all that needs to be said.

Exactly.
There are judgy people out there @Loudhouse6 . Women will be criticised for having no kids, for having one kid, for having too many kids if they have four or more. And if they have two or three kids they'll be criticised for having them too close together, or too far apart.
Let the judgeys judge, you just shake it off x

I am older and part of a very large family ( Catholic). I hated it, especially as a teenager. My parents liked having a blood of small sweet children. As teenagers, everyone found it hard. We never went out as a family. We never had our own rooms. There was never any money. We never had much regular time alone with either parent. It felt like living in a children’s home. My parents forgot so much about us as individuals. I never felt special in anyway. It can be a very lonely place being part of a very large family. We never socialised with other families. We hardly ever had other children hack to play.
interestingly, two of my brothers chose not to have children, two of us stopped at one child and the others stopped at two. It was a lesson learned for all of us that large families are not fun and happy places for children to grow up. There is a reason children are fostered wherever possible rather than being placed in children’s homes.

Your post, OP, is all about you and fearing criticism. Do think about the children ten years down the line.

This is the trade off. Two kids would be cheaper and you’d be able to relax about money and give them more and better holidays, or nicer stuff. But the trade off may feel worth it to the kids if they have good relationships with their siblings. Aware this can go either way. So it appears, to your family and friends, you are making life harder and choosing a more financially stretched path.

I had to stop at two for health reasons but I’d never mentally cope with 4+ anyway - they are both neurodivergent albeit not severely. They get nice holidays. new things, private tuition, expensive school trips, treats and outings whenever. We can subsidise/pay for university if they want, they avoid/reduce student debt. We can fund gap years, internships and house them indefinitely in London, no sharing a bedroom (since moving). You’ve opted for a harder and unusual path and most people wouldn’t sacrifice that for more kids. But it’s your choice and you must love it so screw the judgement. What matters is what the kids feel.

I wouldn’t judge as such, but quietly I’d be thinking they must be mad! It’s not for me but I would never comment on someone in your position.
However, I would judge someone having their 6th child if either her or her partner don’t work. Or if it’s to different fathers they yes I would judge.
Someone in a stable relationship, or not claiming benefits then I would view differently. And before anyone chimes in with all parents claim benefits, no you know full well what I mean.

As you have the resources to bring them up, no I wouldn't.

I would secretly judge and feel very sorry for the children.

This would be because ultimately having a large family is a selfish decision and in my experience it almost always negatively impacts the children. Yes, you may be able to get them to activities and meet their basic needs but I know as a parent of two that you need to devote a lot of time and effort into each individual child to truly foster a strong relationship and to honour them as separate people, not just a mass of children.

What if a child has a specific hobby and talent that they were fantastic at that the others didn't enjoy? How can you pursue this with so many siblings? What if all the children got a bit older and needed their own bedroom and space? It sounds like your house can only be extended to a fiver bed so this wouldn't happen. What if the next baby had SEN and effectively monopolised your time far more than you intended? How could you ever make time for the other 5 kids?

The large families I know leave very little space for children to individualise out of necessity. The focus is on managing the children as a group. If a child has a time and energy intensive issue such as falling behind in school or complex mental health/friendship problems then it's rarely dealt with properly as there just isn't capacity. They also often have to make financial compromises that they wouldn't have to make if they were part of a smaller family. It's not going to be cheap paying for all those driving lessons and cars in quick succession when the younger kids hit that age.

If you're claiming Child Benefit then you're not particularly high earners and you aren't paying enough tax to fund the cost to the state of all these kids or earning enough to privately fund all the needs of these children in a comparable way to many of their peers. This will become more evident as they get older and more expensive and hand me down clothes and shoes don't cut it

Once they finish the schooling system they go on to be productive members of society and pay taxes.

Malthusianism is often criticised for demonising the poor. It's a whole new level or irrationality to think that people who are self-financing their larger family are draining resources. The school system is an investment by the government in producing well educated adults who can contribute to the UK. It's not a favour to children.

How would you like the population to be made up if it is not of people who've come from two educated working parents ? You just want absolute suppression including of working age people?

I head people talk about the problems with migration, immigration and aging population being behind the economic problems in the UK. But I think this might be the first time I've heard about someone complaining about two taxpaying British people using the school system to produce tomorrow's taxpayers - that's literally the foundations of our economy.

You are using up far more than your fair share of public services - healthcare, schools. If everyone had 6 kids it would be a disaster. We also have care for the environment rammed down our throats all the time, with sheer numbers of people being the main problem.
Loads of kids is also seen as just rather self-obsessed, maybe? Maybe the rest of us don't want 6 more of, basically, you and your husband.
I'm not exactly sure what the problem is with 6 kids, but there's definitely judgement for it so you'll just have to ignore it. With 6 kids you must have the hides of rhinos, so no problem.