Unexpected pregnancy and disagreement over termination versus planned move abroad

[Pregnantbetweenpriorities]

Please could you tell me what you would do in this situation?

We are late-thirties, two boys 7 and 4. Had agreed no more children but I was thinking about it constantly, just put it down to hormones and ignored.

Now 7 weeks pregnant, unexpectedly irregular cycle.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.
I don’t agree. Also the prospect of having a girl feels exciting (who knows it might be a boy though… but obviously would still love baby).

Who knows, I might miscarry (no history though).

The thing is that we are currently living near my parents but planning to move to a nearby country that we both love in 2-3 years time. This is our ‘big project’. I’m more invested in it than him. It’s more for my career than his. Husband says if we go through with this pregnancy the big project has to be chucked, we would have to stay near by parents or move back to his country to be near his (but they live really rurally so can’t see how this would work).

Part of me wonders whether I should terminate, do the big move, and then try again once we’re there. But this feels so calculating, when there’s a potential life at stake.

I’m seriously worried about not being happy if we stay where we live now (we don’t like it for many reasons) or if we live in his country (far from my family and friends).

wwyd?

Terminating and then trying again does feel wrong, it just sounds like you’d be ending a life for convenience. It sounds like you want this baby, so you’ll likely regret it if you terminate

Thanks. I think you’re right. It’s this baby, or no more babies.

yes I want it, because I love babies and small children. I’m so nostalgic already. But he just doesn’t, he is done. And although he is probably being dramatic about
how trapped we would be, realistically he has a point about many of our medium term dreams would have to be completely reduced or abandoned.

Why can you not have the baby and still do the move? There’s NEVER a good time to have a baby, but even if the move was delayed by 12 months? Is it that unachievable?

Having said that I’m totally pro choice and you can have a termination for any reason.

The other thing he says is that he’s been unhappy because of looking after small children and not being able to enjoy time with me (apparently doesn’t enjoy me as at home person?) and that recently it’s been getting better, and he’s worried about the impact on the mariage if we start again with a baby.
I had no idea he had any issues with the relationship, good talking, regular sex, both fit, etc.

Thanks for saying the second part.

and the first part. The answer is because he says he wouldn’t want to do it anymore, so wouldn’t support making the move happen.

As much as I’m pro choice I don’t think it’d be right to terminate a baby that you’ve gotten pregnant with deliberately (because that’s what unprotected sex is), to then move and try again for a different baby after. There is never a good time to have a baby, but of course there’s a chance this could ruin your marriage so you need to work out which you want more, your baby or a better shot as this future together. Can you afford to go it alone with the new baby too if the marriage doesn’t work out?

If he was 'done' he should have taken steps to ensure it wouldn't happen.

So he is essentially saying “if you won’t abort for me, I won’t move for you”?

I have to say, regardless of whether you have a termination or not, I’d find that really manipulative. I’d be concerned that the marriage might be on its last legs regardless, when you couple that with his comments about being unhappy in the relationship.

Sounds like you planned this pregnancy. No contraception and love babies?

You also sound like you want to have your cake and eat it. It’s you that wants to move and you that wants more babies.

I’d seriously consider what you really want. Your husband has made it clear he doesn’t want more children. Ultimately, you need to consider whether you’d be prepared or bring three children up by yourself.

I told him that the timings method was as safe as the pill, and I 100% knew what my cycle was doing. I didn’t: I had an irregular one, knew it was irregular, didn’t take extra precautions. Really, it was mostly my responsibility.

Him not wanting to move abroad away from family support when they’ve just had a 3rd baby isn’t necessarily manipulation. He has said they could
move to be near his family, he just wants family support if more kids. Which isn’t totally stupid

From OP’s 12/54 post:

”The answer is because he says he wouldn’t want to do it anymore, so wouldn’t support making the move happen.”

So you’ve done this on purpose and lied to him, how nice of you. What a crap marriage

I agree with @ToKittyornottoKitty. I think it’s more being realistic than being manipulative.

could someone explain how having three can ruin a marriage?

Yes thanks I can read, see also her other points. She’s gotten herself pregnant on purpose and lied to him anyway, manipulation clearly runs in the marriage

I feel like because I have created this situation, I should have a termination.

If he really doesn’t want more children, he needs to consider a vasectomy or take responsibility for contraception. (Let me guess: he doesn’t want surgery and doesn’t like condoms?)

Ultimately, it’s your decision. If he really doesn’t want more children, then this pregnancy is going to have a huge impact on your relationship whether or not you decide to continue and have the baby - it sounds like you’ll resent him if he pressures you into a termination.

Simple, one of the parents doesn’t want a third??

Just to clarify, it wasn’t on purpose. That cycle, I was having sex on days 4,5 and 25 of a cycle that had been 30 days clockwork for 3 and a half years.
but I acknowledge what posters are saying.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.

I'm sorry but that makes no sense to me at all. I would have thought the tacit agreement would be that an accidental pregnancy wouldn't matter and would be broadly welcomed. I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think he's thought about the emotional impact of termination and I think you'd be entirely within your rights to tell him that you can't and don't want to terminate. Hope you can get this sorted @Pregnantbetweenpriorities .

That totally contradicts what you just said.

This isn't great.

I'd generally say, that choosing to have unprotected sex means both side accept some chance of pregnancy and, unless specifically agreed, it really doesn't imply pre-agreed termination if it happens.

However in this case you effectively promised to take care about the contraception and than didn't.

Yes, you could have forgotten a pill as well, but this sounds more like forgetting pill, realising it and than failing to mention it.

Tbh this sounds like he’s being a manipulative shit saying this stuff to persuade you to
terminate. Your relationship will have real issues if you terminate and resent him for pushing you into it

Thank you @TemporarilyCantDoMyself. that’s what I felt too
Also he is such a good dad, I didn’t really realise it was absolutely no for him

What I mean is that I could see the cycle becoming irregular because of an unusual ovulation pattern, but I didn’t pay proper attention to it because I was so like clockwork, and nothing was going on in life or health that would cause an irregular cycle. I just didn’t pick up on it properly.