Unexpected pregnancy and disagreement over termination versus planned move abroad

[Pregnantbetweenpriorities]

Please could you tell me what you would do in this situation?

We are late-thirties, two boys 7 and 4. Had agreed no more children but I was thinking about it constantly, just put it down to hormones and ignored.

Now 7 weeks pregnant, unexpectedly irregular cycle.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.
I don’t agree. Also the prospect of having a girl feels exciting (who knows it might be a boy though… but obviously would still love baby).

Who knows, I might miscarry (no history though).

The thing is that we are currently living near my parents but planning to move to a nearby country that we both love in 2-3 years time. This is our ‘big project’. I’m more invested in it than him. It’s more for my career than his. Husband says if we go through with this pregnancy the big project has to be chucked, we would have to stay near by parents or move back to his country to be near his (but they live really rurally so can’t see how this would work).

Part of me wonders whether I should terminate, do the big move, and then try again once we’re there. But this feels so calculating, when there’s a potential life at stake.

I’m seriously worried about not being happy if we stay where we live now (we don’t like it for many reasons) or if we live in his country (far from my family and friends).

wwyd?

Also why would you want to break up a family unit and go on to probably be a single parent? You have two kids already.

Hi OP!

Just wanted to jump in to say every option is an option, it’s ok to continue the pregnancy or to not and also ok to try in future either way or not.

Id personally not focus on the big move as part of the decision as its several years away and how life may be by then (baby or no baby) is unpredictable. It’s not an imminent move and as much as it may feel it’s not going to possible with a third there could be a million more reasons pop up why it is or isn’t possible by the time it comes around.

Id focus on trying to process the news and what’s the best option with your husband and thinking of your own preferences and what your both willing to compromise on.

its not your fault you didn’t trick anyone, he’s an adult he should’ve understood his own actions and risks involved

Thanks so much @sleepykt

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.
What madness is this?
Not using contraception (presumably by mutual consent) implies that a pregnancy is an acceptable outcome. There is no other reason not to use contraception.
His "tacit agreement" statement tells you he is not bothered about what you might need to take or go through as a result.

As if you led him to believe unprotected sex was the same as the pill with your methods. No wonder he wants you to terminate.

Any adult man who is sake no responsibility for contraception does nothing get to choose. If he wanted no more kids - vasectomies exist.

In these circumstances I think you will regret an abortion and resent (hate) your dh for pushing you into it.

Something i am feeling confused by is that the first five days after getting a positive test, I felt genuine joy and was already planning where I would give birth and thinking about which baby clothes to keep.

But now I’m actively planning the termination. I don’t know if I can go through with it but I am in a completely different place.

I suppose it’s just since learning about how my husband really doesn’t want it.

I have found a pregnancy choices workbook online that I can do, answering a series of questions.

OP follow your heart. Have a proper long open discussion with your husband. There is never the ‘right’ time to have a baby. My DS was conceived during the recession and my husband had been made redundant. He had to get a job abroad so we were away from home. But we made it work. My last baby was a surprise (and not a very welcome one by my husband initially!) but he adores that kid now. Online questionnaires and public forums are not the same as following your heart and both parents communicating. Good luck x

I’m surprised that 2 people in their late 30’s cannot work out that unprotected sex can equal a baby. The timing method isn’t as good as the pill…

Nonetheless I think in your situation I would terminate and continue the plans, you have a 7 and 4 year old and didn’t want anymore children. You agreed to terminate an accident pregnancy.

I would put what you have here and now first x

They did not agree to terminate

There is no reason why you can’t move with another baby, this sounds coercive. If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy then do so but be warned that the relationship might shift a little (it would also shift if he bullied you into a termination) and he will likely be less helpful as a control tactic.

you will need to reassess as a family in a year or two if the move is still a good idea as your family will have changed, but no reason why it can’t work

My apologies you’re right I read the part about husband agreeing to terminate an accident pregnancy wrong

Abortion charities will give you free counselling I did this and thought they were brilliant

Sounds like he doesn’t want the baby so could also be an end to your marriage, good luck in finding the right solution for you.

If he doesn’t want to move away from family with an extra child, that is not coercive, it’s actually pretty sensible to stay near family with more kids. Being realistic that having another child would change what he wants doesn’t mean he’s automatically abusive.

My reading of this situation is that there are two adults, one who loves babies and small children, the other looking forward to being done with the babies and small children phase.

The way they have each reacted to the situation is entirely consistent with their view of small children and babies.

I profoundly hope they can start talking and come to an agreement together about the way forward.

Yes this is it.
I do appreciate I’m going to end up with three teens if I go ahead and it’s not the same

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities Does DH definitely not want more kids? If so, why didn't he get a vasectomy?

It’s morbid but he says it’s because in case anything happened to one of both of them :/ and we would want to have another one to not be completely bereft but have some symbol of hope

Or both

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities So a "replacement" child? My husband has only one child (our daughter) but knew any more would not be the right thing for either of us so he got a vasectomy soon after.
How old are you both?

36 me 38 him

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities Both of you risked you getting pregnant so he can't just expect you to to terminate if that's not what you want.
Will he ever agree to the snip?