Unexpected pregnancy and disagreement over termination versus planned move abroad

[Pregnantbetweenpriorities]

Please could you tell me what you would do in this situation?

We are late-thirties, two boys 7 and 4. Had agreed no more children but I was thinking about it constantly, just put it down to hormones and ignored.

Now 7 weeks pregnant, unexpectedly irregular cycle.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.
I don’t agree. Also the prospect of having a girl feels exciting (who knows it might be a boy though… but obviously would still love baby).

Who knows, I might miscarry (no history though).

The thing is that we are currently living near my parents but planning to move to a nearby country that we both love in 2-3 years time. This is our ‘big project’. I’m more invested in it than him. It’s more for my career than his. Husband says if we go through with this pregnancy the big project has to be chucked, we would have to stay near by parents or move back to his country to be near his (but they live really rurally so can’t see how this would work).

Part of me wonders whether I should terminate, do the big move, and then try again once we’re there. But this feels so calculating, when there’s a potential life at stake.

I’m seriously worried about not being happy if we stay where we live now (we don’t like it for many reasons) or if we live in his country (far from my family and friends).

wwyd?

You lied to your DH that the timing method was pretty safe when you knew you had an irregular cycle.

He was wilfully dumb for believing it though. Anyone with half a brain knows there's no way to have unprotected sex that negates the risks of pregnancy. The timing method doesn't work for all kinds of obvious reasons as the OP has discovered. Most secondary school kids know it's a crock of shit so for them to buy into it is quite boggling. Bottom line is they both had unprotected sex because they wanted it more than they minded the risk, and his line about assuming their back-up plan was an abortion is simply moronic. Agree with PPs that there's a communication issue here and at its core is a lack of honesty with themselves and each other. And now there's a pregnancy to deal with.

I'm pro-choice but it sounds like OP wants this child and needs to decide if she wants it more than the marriage, because if he pushes on the abortion front when it's not what she wants, then they're not likely to last long anyway.

It sounds like he is at least being honest with you. I don’t think it’s fair to make him have a baby if he trusted you when you said your method was 100% safe. You will have to decide whether you are willing to bring this baby up alone if he wants out, which is also his choice. He can’t make you terminate, just like you can’t make him move if he feels it would negatively impact your marriage. You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it (new baby and the big move ), doesn’t sound like your considering his feelings at all or willing to make any compromises. I think he is right to want to put off the move if you keep the baby, sounds like he is more invested in keeping the marriage strong than you are.

I would be keeping the baby if I were you. My body my choice.

What a disgusting thing to say. He is 50% responsible for creating this baby and you should not be telling a stranger on the internet to have an abortion. How vile of you.

It doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage at all. You lied to him in order to conceive, he now wants you to have a termination that you don’t want. He’s not happy with the way life is. You tricked him into making his life worse. He’s refusing to go ahead with the moving plans you want, if you have the baby.

All in all, it sounds like a pretty dysfunctional relationship, full of disagreement and deceit.

@10namechangeslater OP did lie though. She told him her “method of contraception” (ie not contraception) was as reliable as the pill. Yes her DH was careless and silly not to check the facts, but most men accept that women know way more about contraception than they do, and will accept what they’re told. OP deliberately misled him because she wants a girl.

I’m usually really against 3 kids as everyone I know that doesn’t get on with their siblings is from a group of three. But you seem like you want a bigger family, don’t underestimate how unsettling an unwanted abortion would be. If your finances can stand a third I think you probably should go ahead but if I was your DH I would be kicking myself - what were you thinking not using contraception - you sound like a couple of irresponsible teens!

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy

Good grief.

You haven't agreed to have a termination, tacitly or otherwise, OP. It's your choice either way and you are free to make it.

I can't see any benefit in having a termination, doing the move and then getting pregnant again- the reason he's against moving with another baby is that you won't be near to parents and that isn't going to change. I also personally think it would be wrong to do this in all sorts of ways.

You both sound like you need to start communicating better and taking things more seriously. Abortion as contraception is never a good option. Why can't your husband put a condom on if he doesn't want a baby?

You either lied to your DH or you read misinformation and shared the same incorrect info. The pull out method is nowhere near as reliable as taking the pill properly or having the coil. You’re also more likely to have another boy (you said you want a girl).

Did he offer to use condoms? Your method was not reliable.

She wasn’t using the pull out method

Christ. Both of you have been incredibly silly about the contraception.

I totally get where he is coming from re looking after young children. I think age 4 is about right for feeling like you have a bit of life back.

And wanting another baby because you like babies and young children is not a reason to have another baby.

I would have another discussion with him and see what the outcome is, and also discuss future contraception.

In your position, i would terminate due to your DH not wanting another child.

I dont really understand why you wouldnt use contraception if your DH really doesn't want another child.
My guess is you really do want this baby.
Bottom line discuss fully and frankly with your DH and decide whats best for you .

Oh dear this is a bit of a mess. I think you need to decide if you can live with the abortion (and forgive him for putting pressure on you to do that which he absolutely is doing) and consider that if you do go ahead, you might be parenting the three children alone.
I think he is unreasonable for expecting you to abort if you got pregnant without explicit agreement but you were in the wrong to offer him such assurances that it was so unlikely.
I think you need to decide if your desire for a third child is bigger than your desire to stay married and your desire to move. (However this does sound like an excuse and I wonder when it comes down to it if he may refuse to move in 2 years or so anyway).
Whatever you decide, going forwards he has the snip or accepts that your method is not infallible and you will be keeping any baby that comes along.

I really appreciate the thoughts.
‘Decide if your desire for a child is greater than your desire to stay with your husband’, this makes it sound so simple! How could anyone reason in that way?
Looking back, it’s incredible we never discussed what we would do if i got pregnant.
:(

I feel like I could live with not having another child, but not with going through an abortion.
I know that doesn’t make any sense at this stage. But it’s the abortion itself that feels wrong (I am pro choice, but wrong for me)

What does life look like if your marriage breaks down as a result of keeping the baby? Can you afford it? Make sure you weigh up how things would work as a single parent, regardless of what decision you make.

Not at all it makes a great deal of sense to me at least.

I think you need to think about the impact of each choice on your existing children. Either choice has the potential to end your relationship in the long term and you need to place your bets on the best option for your existing kids.

I think it’s clear you kept quiet whilst playing contraception roulette with your DHs understanding of that risk being very different to yours. If I was him I’d be furious.

My marriage not breaking down is the most important thing, mostly for the sake of the two boys

Personally I’d say the next step is another talk with your DH about this, try and be honest yourself and gauge where he’s at with this and check where your marriage is at generally. If it turns out he’s actually not willing to do the big move regardless of whether or not you have the baby that might influence your decision for example. Just try and make sure you have all the facts and no where you stand with him before you make a decision

And also, if you had an abortion to appease your husband, would your marriage survive that regardless?

This poster said it first.

Spot on.

Honestly you’re almost out of the hardest years, why would you ever want to start all over again. And you’re only 7 weeks too.
but it sounds like you want this or planned to get pregnant anyway.

I think you have to consider that your marriage may end over this baby whether you choose to have it (and your DH decides to leave) or whether you terminate (and you aren’t happy).