Unexpected pregnancy and disagreement over termination versus planned move abroad

[Pregnantbetweenpriorities]

Please could you tell me what you would do in this situation?

We are late-thirties, two boys 7 and 4. Had agreed no more children but I was thinking about it constantly, just put it down to hormones and ignored.

Now 7 weeks pregnant, unexpectedly irregular cycle.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.
I don’t agree. Also the prospect of having a girl feels exciting (who knows it might be a boy though… but obviously would still love baby).

Who knows, I might miscarry (no history though).

The thing is that we are currently living near my parents but planning to move to a nearby country that we both love in 2-3 years time. This is our ‘big project’. I’m more invested in it than him. It’s more for my career than his. Husband says if we go through with this pregnancy the big project has to be chucked, we would have to stay near by parents or move back to his country to be near his (but they live really rurally so can’t see how this would work).

Part of me wonders whether I should terminate, do the big move, and then try again once we’re there. But this feels so calculating, when there’s a potential life at stake.

I’m seriously worried about not being happy if we stay where we live now (we don’t like it for many reasons) or if we live in his country (far from my family and friends).

wwyd?

You’ve been having unprotected sex and now you’re pregnant. It’s awful that your DH was completely up for unprotected sex and now expects you to have a termination.

You do what suits you, it’s your body. I’m absolutely in favour of terminations but this feels wrong. You’re effectively using terminations as a form of contraception.

You sound quite manipulative OP.

You lied to your DH that the timing method was pretty safe when you knew you had an irregular cycle.
You weren't clear with him that if you got pregnant you wouldn't want to consider a termination.

It's true, he should have taken more responsibility for contraception if he was definite done, but that doesn't excuse your behaviour.

Your DH doesn't want more DC, and he doesn't like you being an at home mum, so why it isn't obvious to you why this could put a huge strain on your marriage is beyond me.

You say you like babies and young children. What about tweens and teens? Possibly miserable, surly, rude teens (which some of them become despite your best efforts)?

I think you were both a bit naive to think you just wouldn’t get pregnant. It’s just as much down to him as you. There’s no reason why you can’t carry on with your plans with a toddler. If you wait for things to be just right it’ll likely never happen. Something else might happen to derail plans. Life is unpredictable!! No one can tell you what to do in this scenario. If he’s absolutely dead set against it then I guess you have to weigh up whether it would drive a massive wedge between you. I hope things become clearer for you ❤️

This is the only thing you have posted so far that I actually agree with you on.

It really does read to me that you have tricked him into this third pregnancy because you are hoping for a girl. He had been clear that he didn’t want a third and had been willing to go along with the plan to move abroad that will benefit you more than him. He sounds like a decent DH in all respects.

It seems you’re wanting to have your cake and eat it in a rather manipulative way and I feel sorry for your DH.

As someone who has 3 DC that were each very much carefully planned and discussed as a couple I think what you’ve done is appalling and termination is 100% the right thing to do.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.

Well thats clearly a communication issue.

Secondly you lied to him about contraception (or am I reading that wrong?)

To clarify, I’m not a stay at home mum. What I mean by at home is that he wants us to go out more and to see me in other contexts than in the kitchen or wiping a bum, as it makes him feel more attracted and closer to me.
I was a bit taken a back by this as I still find him attractive around the house! Seemed a bit odd to me. But maybe common.

Have the child and parent it differently.

Involve carers earlier.
Put the move off for one year.

Investigate your parents moving with you for six months or getting an au pair..

Make the choice that your career and marriage are foremost once the baby is one year old.

Yes, you’re reading it wrong but it’s because my message wasn’t v clear.
The irregular cycle was totally unexpected, but I didn’t react to it. Not because I was trying to get pregnant, but because I didn’t twig it was irregular until it was too late. I didn’t lie to him about it.

Sounds like you secretly wanted another baby. How can you possibly not know that the time of the month method is incredibly unreliable?

You literally said you knew it was irregular but did nothing about it. There’s no point changing the story as it doesn’t change your situation anyway. You thought he’d be up for this ‘accident’ and were wrong, so now it’s time to deal with that with the new knowledge that he’s not totally happy in the marriage anyway.

I think @Summergarden is right.

I’m just so sad about it.
but I’m in the wrong.

babies should have have two parents who want them.

No contraception, so trying to get pregnant, its weird of him to assume trying to get pregnant means an abortion when you successfully get pregnant.

I get why he would have cold feet about the move, but if the plan was in 2-3 years that means if you have another they will be two, so leaving the baby years and soon to leave the nappies behind, so easier regarding work etc.

Termination is only 100% if the woman 100% agrees.

Dh was incredibly stupid to believe timings method is any good regardless
of what the op said.

I certainly don’t think termination should be used as a type of preventative to having a baby.

I’m not changing the story. I’m just saying that at the time it occurred to me to take the morning after pill, but then I thought, ‘It’s so unlikely to get pregnant on day 25, I’m sure my period will come in a few days.’

Sorry but even from your opening post and the way you very clearly want a girl after two boys, I suspected this ‘mistake’ might not be so clear cut. And then you’ve confirmed you essentially misled him.

He doesn’t sound great in his ultimatum and comments about seeing you outside of the house but honestly I think you’ve got to take a lot of the responsibility here. I am completely pro choice so it is up to you but I think you risk your marriage if you continue

It’s perfectly normal to be glad when the baby stage is over and you feel like you are two whole humans again, rather than being completely consumed by being mummy and daddy. Lots of people absolutely do not want to go backwards and have an unexpected third child. Your DH isn’t unreasonable in that regard.

He has been really stupid by not taking responsibility for contraception when he’s the one who doesn’t want another. You were very selfish in not reacting to the irregular cycle.

However, it is your body and your choice. If you don’t want a termination you shouldn’t have one. An unwanted abortion is likely to be difficult to live with and you may end up resenting your DH.

If you’re so sad about it then it’s not the right thing to do. This will be something you’ll be sad about forever if you do

My point remains the same. You risked it, and now have to make the best of it. Weigh up what is more
important to you and decide what’s best to do.

You were 'sure' your period would come? You didn't take the morning after pill? You're not 16 ffs.

Yeah, you wanted this.

OP - your body and destiny are your own and you can terminate because you do not wish to be pregnant and do not wish (right now) to have a baby. IF that is your feeling. To me the moral bargaining is neither here nor there. The decision you need to make is:
Whether a baby is right for you now
Whether a baby would impede your big project and how much that matters - you were making plans for that so presumably it is a move you want
What impact a baby would now have on your marriage, your other children and your own life.

I find your DH's reasoning that "as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy" bizarre, and as with any pregnancy he needed to have taken precautions if it was important to him, and in the end it is your body, your choice.

But I don't agree with the 'you made your bed, lie in it' direction of moralising. No child should be born as 'just desserts' and the option to terminate is always a choice, always an option, no matter what thinking led up to becoming pg.

You are in a hard place - chiefly because you have a 'not done' hankering in your feelings. Personally I would not have more babies to 'try for a girl' - because personally feeling that I only had a baby boy in case he was a girl is not something I would feel comfortable about. But are you using this as a reason to stay pg?

But given that you do have your 'Big Project' and had been pursuing planning for this as something important to you, I would keep that in mind.

I would , personally, be reluctant to start with babies again just as my youngest was off to school.

But I wish you all the best in thinking everything through and accepting whichever direction you choose - hard decision with hard possibilities either way.

You're getting a really hard time here. I'm sorry about that. Realistically - you didn't react fast enough to the one cycle being different. However if you were using the timing method as contraception that in itself was foolish. Possibly because you didn't really want to really think on consequences. That's on you. If your husband didn't want another then he should have taken responsibility himself and not left anything up to you. That's on him and also foolish of him. Right now it sounds like you don't want to terminate - and it actually sounds like your husband isn't pushing you too - just saying ok well something else (the move) has to give. That's ok. The advice of outsource more so your marriage takes less strain is true.

I think everyone is beating you up about this, especially yourself, but you really need to be kinder to yourself.

At the time you genuinely believed your cycle was so regular you couldn't get pregnant. As someone with a dead on 26 day cycle and obvious ovulation symptoms myself, i can completely understand why you were confident in that.

Your husband has had sex education, he knows no method of contraception is 100% safe and he was happy to go along with unprotected, and the risks of a pregnancy occuring. If he was dead set against another baby, he should have gotten a vasectomy or insisted on the option open to him, condoms.

He is dead wrong for throwing around ultimatums. He doesn't get any say on if you terminate or not, and it comes across pretty clearly you will be devastated if you do terminate. That would lead to resentment toward him as he carries on like all is well or is even happy about the terminaton.

At this point your marriage will likely be on the rocks no matter what choices you make. One of you will ultimately get your way at the detriment of the other. Make your decision based on what you can live with, the details of moving or not etc can always be worked out later whatever you choose.

It does sound though like your marriage needs a bit more together time not as parents, that can be achieved with babysitters though, and that works just the same with 3 kids as it does 2.

This is a sensible post 👏

He made it clear but was still happy to have unprotected sex.

You also need to consider what your DH's relationship with another child would be like if he doesn't actually want it.