Unexpected pregnancy and disagreement over termination versus planned move abroad

[Pregnantbetweenpriorities]

Please could you tell me what you would do in this situation?

We are late-thirties, two boys 7 and 4. Had agreed no more children but I was thinking about it constantly, just put it down to hormones and ignored.

Now 7 weeks pregnant, unexpectedly irregular cycle.

Husband thinks that as we weren’t using contraception then it was tacitly agreed we would terminate if accidental pregnancy.
I don’t agree. Also the prospect of having a girl feels exciting (who knows it might be a boy though… but obviously would still love baby).

Who knows, I might miscarry (no history though).

The thing is that we are currently living near my parents but planning to move to a nearby country that we both love in 2-3 years time. This is our ‘big project’. I’m more invested in it than him. It’s more for my career than his. Husband says if we go through with this pregnancy the big project has to be chucked, we would have to stay near by parents or move back to his country to be near his (but they live really rurally so can’t see how this would work).

Part of me wonders whether I should terminate, do the big move, and then try again once we’re there. But this feels so calculating, when there’s a potential life at stake.

I’m seriously worried about not being happy if we stay where we live now (we don’t like it for many reasons) or if we live in his country (far from my family and friends).

wwyd?

Yes he said at 40.
i know it’s his responsibility too, and he does too, that’s why I keep telling him to stop being agressive about it and making it all about how bad it is for him. I’ve told him it’s working against what he wants.

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities But then his argument doesn't really make sense?

What is messing with my mind today is how I am taking folic acid every day and haven’t drink alcohol since I found out, and then booking things with BPAS at the same time.

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme
He just doesn’t want a third child, that’s all it is.
But now there is that embryo growing in me…

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities He should have thought about that before getting you pregnant.
What do you think he will do if you keep the baby?

Probably get depressed, I think. I can see that happening to him, it runs in his family.

I dont think he would leave us but he might sort of break up with me from within the relationship.

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities I guess you should follow your heart.
I've three kids - 18, 16 and 5, and can't imagine my life without them.
When I decided to start again with my second husband everyone thought I was mad, but she has been the best thing to happen to our family.
It's your choice ateotd 💐

Thank you. I’m just trying to work out if this is what I want in our lives. Of course I want to see the sweet little face and smell it and kiss it. But that’s not the whole reality is it. It’s exhausted raining February evenings when they won’t eat their tea. It’s long, long weekends. It’s trying to support and fund them to adult life while not giving up ours and our relationship.

I’m coming to realise I wanted a third, if I had a partner in that. I assumed he would come round to it. He hasn’t and won’t. I feel ashamed, like I’ve misunderstood how he feels about us. I had no idea he hated our life with small kids (his words). Feel so terrible.

...and he’s worried about the impact on the mariage if we start again with a baby.

That's a not very subtle threat.

@Pregnantbetweenpriorities just to send an internet hug because this sounds like a heap of shit to go through. 💐

I hope this isn't distressing but I wanted to offer another perspective.

Are you sure he will stay even if you terminate? He's voiced dissatisfaction, and you've stated the move is more for you than him. Is he likely to get cold feet on that? From what I've seen on here, a lot of men will manipulate emotionally to achieve termination, and then blame their partners for actually doing it. Is it possible for you both to have a joint counselling session on it first? I would caution you to make sure you're both on the same page marriage wise, because I think it would be gutting to terminate a pregnancy you want to save a relationship that your partner is already checking out of.

If the move doesn't happen, would you see this termination as worth it?

Does your partner fully understand the physical and emotional ask of termination?

Will you see him differently afterwards, or does this change your view or the relationship and what you want of it?

It may be that you discuss all these things and you feel that it's the right move for you. If that's the case I hope everything goes smoothly for you. 💐

Saying that not using birth control means a tacit agreement to terminate is so ridiculous that I would want to refuse just out of spite.

Then I would calm down and do whatever I think is best for myself and my existing children.

a big move may not be your life path or maybe it is. Don’t have an abortion just because he is an idiot about birth control,

Thank you @wowhowdidthatmakeyoufeel
I’ll make sure we have these proper conversations before going through with it. They said it would be a couple of weeks before getting a slot anyway :( But this is good to have more thinking time.

Yes @Ponderingwindow I get it about the spite!

Are they able to provide any counselling services beforehand? Or is there a wait for them too? If your resources stretch too it, private counselling with someone experienced in this are may be helpful. Both individual for both of you, and joint.

Unfortunately this is something that is going to be emotionally draining for long after the appointment, and I think it'd be really wise to set yourself up with a good support network.

I would also caution about Mumsnet. It's great for different opinions, but when you're vulnerable it can be vicious. Plus it's notoriously anti 3 children, so replies could be skewed.

I hear you talking about him getting depressed or not wanting to be with you anymore if you keep the baby, but I’ve not heard you unpack the fact that you want this baby very much, and it’s purely his negativity to it that is even making you consider a termination. I think YOU will come to resent HIM if you go through with a termination.

Makes absolute sense. I am 100% prochoice and believe very strongly in bodily autonomy. That includes the choice to proceed with the pregnancy. I believe that every woman has the absolute right to choose for herself, but I don't believe I could go through an abortion personally.

Already suggested, get yourself some proper qualified abortion counselling.
A pregnancy termination can be one of, if not the most significant life decisions you make.
Also, unlike on here, there will be no mention or discussion of how you arrived at this point. You are pregnant, and the only salient point is how do you wish and need the future to look.
Proper counselling will support you in arriving at the best answer. There is no right or wrong. It's about being true to yourself and I'm sorry you've had to endure all the obfuscating on here about how this happened.

That said, when this particular decision has been made, which ever way you decide, a decent abortion counsellor will be nudging you towards proper information about contraception.

But that's for later.

You are allowed to change your mind many times before you make a final decision, you may need to.
But get professional support, there's plenty out there. You've got this.

Thank you so much @MrMucker , crying again reading your words.
and thanks to others who have written tonight.
yes I’ve booked some private counselling for after Easter.
thank you.

In the meantime OP, you're allowed to breath. You're allowed to feel happy over Easter. Or sad if that's how you feel. You're allowed to love your DP and allowed to be mad at him. As @MrMucker said you're allowed to change your mind as many times as you need too.

Please give yourself grace, this is a monumentally tough place to be in.

I wouldn't terminate unless I was 100 % certain on it. You sound far from certain. If you terminate you may end up regretting it for the rest of your life and resenting your DH for leading the idea. Can the project really not go ahead or is this a way to coerce you into having a termination?

This is so tough. My OH is the one who wants a third and I don’t but I wouldn’t terminate if I got pregnant (i’m pro choice, I’ve had an abortion in the past but I wouldn’t in that situation). We’ve also never actually talked about it but I do know he’d be more devastated for me to have an abortion than I would be to have another child. I also know that whilst I don’t want another, there would be joy in adding another person to the family. All you can do is talk to him but it sounds like he feels somewhat ‘wronged’ in this situation and that may also stop him from seeing the positives in having another against his will, so to speak.

I don’t envy you, it will be tough to navigate this and for both lf you to come out of it happy and not resentful. Counselling is a good idea. Good luck

I think you might regret an abortion. I also don't believe you would have another chance later. Obviously up to you though.

Just to say thanks to those who sent supportive messages here.
A couple of weeks on from termination I feel like it was absolutely the right decision and don’t regret it.
I really regret not talking through my feelings about not being ‘done’, with my husband. Deep down that was the root of messy contraception.
Now we have talked for hours over several weeks, we are so much closer and understand each other much better. What we want is much closer to each other than what I had thought before. Our relationship is on a new tack and we’ve made plans. Maybe another baby down the line, maybe not, but if it is to be, it will be something we try for together. And now is absolutely the wrong time, maybe we’ll be able to create the conditions for a third child later, now we are clearer about what we want.
It was very hard and very sad, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It is a huge deal. It’s also a huge lesson about natural contraception that I will pass onto my sons and god daughter.
Thanks again to all and all the best.

So glad to hear that you're ok and made the decision, and that it feels like it was the right one. And that you're talking all this through productively and lovingly @Pregnantbetweenpriorities.
Wishing you well and future happiness. 🩷