Petrified at the thought of a third boy

[Tegah]

Im 5 weeks with our third baby, and whilst I’m so happy to be pregnant again, I’m also absolutely petrified. We already have 2 boys, who I adore, but they are bloody hard work and high energy. Since I’ve found out I’m pregnant, my thoughts have been consumed by fears of this being another boy which I feel awful about. At the same time, I cannot deny that I am desperate beyond words for a little girl. I have longed for a baby girl for a long time now and I think that now knowing this is our final baby (for many reasons but mainly financially, we live just outside London and house prices are crippling), it has dawned on me that this is my last chance. I know that many people will jump on this post and berate me for even having a preference with gender, and I should just be happy to have a healthy baby, which of course I am and I know I am lucky to even be having a third child. But I think it will take me a while to come to terms with having another boy, and never having that bond with a little girl that I so desperately want. How do I cope with gender disappointment if this is another boy? Please be kind.

Your looking way too much into the future

A daughter could provide those experiences that you are hoping for - that close relationship BUT she might not.
Dh sister fought through teen years with their mum and moved away to different country at 18, never to return.

Don't mourn a future you may or may not have

@Tegah that's why I said you are splitting the activities. You are having afternoon tea with the females, your DH (not you) is going to the football with the boys. We don't really split activities between sexes in the family. When DS had football match we both went. We would as a family go to watch the local team play. DS now prefers to go in the stands with his mates, but as stated previously my birthday treat from him is to go and sit together to watch a match. We as a family go to meals together. I wouldn't see afternoon tea as a female only activity.

I think it is far better to not always split activities between men and women, especially within a family.

I honestly don’t think anyone who would feel this level of gender disappointment should have children to be honest.

I find it very upsetting to read.

I did have a girl in the end, and I won’t lie - I was so happy I did, and she’s a delight. But…if she’d been another boy I would have, of course, loved her just as much.

If you would’ve loved him as much, why were you so desperate for a girl? These posts are so self contradictory and a bit glib.

I don’t understand why you got pregnant when you are petrified of having another boy. It’s a 50-50 chance. I also understand having a preference before the baby is born, that’s different from being petrified. I think the going for afternoon with your daughter is a bit cringe too to be honest.
I have lovely sons and I now have wonderful daughter in laws who I think of as my daughters.

I agree, I cannot begin to understand how anyone could feel such a strong disappointment about having a wanted, healthy child.

Get off the thread then? You’re entirely unhelpful, I don’t understand why you keep adding your two pence.

No. I am not. If you would care to read my posts, I have actually given you some excellent advice. Plus my own experience.
However, you've started this controversial thread and it's a bit naive just to think you'd get only one kind of opinion.

@Iloveyoubut DS used to push a potato around in his toy pushchair, not sure what that says about him, but it was cute!

All I can tell you is that as the only girl of 3 children, I had zero "bond" with my mother (who very much wanted a girl, I should add) - my brothers were massively more close to her than I ever was.

There's zero guarantee a girl will turn out as you dream and - in fact - it's highly likely that because I certainly wasn't the sort of girl child, teenager and woman she's envisaged, it prevented us having much of a relationship. I used to (she's no longer with us) describe myself to friends as the "disappointing daughter" (despite my academic and career success).

You shouldn’t have deliberately got pregnant with a child that you have a 50% chance of not being happy with. If you’re so petrified at the thought of something that has a 50% chance of happening, why did you do it?

That's so cute! 🥰 Children are just fantastic at bringing unexpected joy 😊

That's so lovely.

Our 3rd was a girl after two boys . She is the biggest tomboy ever and isn't remotely interested in anything girly . She is also the hardest of the 3 . But it doesnt matter. Shes her own person and I wouldn't change her or her brothers for the world . They are all unique people with different interests.

People can post on a public forum if they want to. Sometimes it’s important to provide OPs with challenging posts, rather than a pointless sympathy-fest.

Or testicles in order to play footie!

Thank you 👍

On some levels I get what you’re saying OP. There are shared experiences that you’ll have with either a daughter that you can’t have with a son - especially as they hit puberty.

But in your later comments you describe your family which sounds very stuck in traditional gender roles. And that’s what people are reacting to.

Also, you’ve talked about how close the women in your family are and how you like to go for days out together. Your daughter might not be like that. Your daughter may go travelling or move overseas. Your daughter may hate the idea of girly days out with her mum - I hate them and don’t go but I know my mum would love it. It might be even harder for you to have a daughter if it then turns out she doesn’t fulfil these subconscious ideas that you’re holding.

You also talk about your sons going for boys days out to football with their dad - there’s no reason you can’t turn that on its head and get involved.

I have two autistic DC (twins) who both have high needs and probably won’t ever live independently. Sometimes the expectations we hold in our head of being a parent don’t quite pan out. The trick is to find different things to enjoy - you’ll find all kinds of ways to bond and activities to enjoy if you look for them.

I know you’ve gotten quite cross with PP but this is honestly meant with kindness. If it turns out your baby is a boy put your energies into finding new ways to connect with your sons that don’t stick to rigid gender roles. My DS bloody loves baking with me! Learn about football and get involved. One of your sons may turn out to love shopping and spas and all things fabulous!

Comparison really is the thief of joy OP. Congratulations on your third baby.

Hi @Tegah and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I completely get what you mean. I too am very close with my mum and would love to have a daughter to (hopefully) have a similar bond with. I have a son who is amazing, also into typical “boy” things and very, very clingy to me. I love him to bits and would never swap him for the world but I did envisage having a girl, or maybe two girls, so I was quite shocked when I found out he was a boy.

I’m pregnant again too and don’t know (yet) what I’m having. I lost a pregnancy in between which really scared the living daylights out of me so I can hand on heart say that I will just be absolutely delighted to see a heartbeat, regardless of what they are. I’ll also be the first to say it’s fine to mourn the relationship you might not have if you don’t end up having a particular gender. They are exactly who they’re meant to be but it’s ok to mourn the daughter you don’t have (if you have another boy). ❤️

Congratulations. Four boys is wonderful. A great team. You get to go suit shopping in 25 years time and maybe one of your future DIL will ask you to go wedding dress shopping with her and her mum. We were very aware that my son in laws mum had sons and were pleased to ask her.

I agree with this to be honest. Why roll the dice if you are ‘petrified’ of the outcome? Why not sort through your feelings and get to a place where you are happy either way?

Just a completely absurd problem and I feel sorry for the child involved who hasn’t even been born yet and may already be a disappointment because of something about afternoon tea.

Sorry you’re getting such a hard time OP, I think it’s very normal and human to have pictured something (having a daughter) and then feel fearful that it won’t happen and worried about dealing with those feelings.

I think if I were you I’d try to think about how much you love your two sons and remind yourself that even if you get another son he will be a unique and wonderful child who once you know him you’d never entertain swapping for the unknown girl. My 4th child was a boy and even now sometimes I feel sad I didn’t have a second girl (I have BBGB) because I would have loved for my daughter to have a sister and so would she but I love my youngest son beyond words and if someone said I could go back and make him a girl baby instead I would never entertain the thought because he’s a real living person to me who I love and could never give up.

It might be helpful to find out the sex earlier to give yourself time to adjust that mental picture in your head. Three boys is brilliant fun if a little exhausting (and fwiw my daughter is way more emotionally complicated than my boys who just give me straightforward love ❤️)

I always think of high energy being a euphemism for pain in the arse and out of control. If so, of course you dread having another one.
I do understand the desire for a daughter especially after two boys. I had a daughter after two boys and was ecstatic. Not because my boys were high energy, but just because I wanted a daughter. It’s ok to feel worried about it. But even if it is a boy, you will love him and hopefully he’ll not be high energy!

Me and my early teens son have similar taste in music and he’s started to come to gigs and concert with me and DH which is brilliant, or sometimes just the 2 of us. He also loves a trip to a west end musical with me and loves to go for hot chocolate and cake or nice lunch (let’s face it who doesn’t?)

I feel like some mums will do all of this with their girl but completely disregard their son and not bother doing any of this sort of thing. If you have a girl do you think you’ll just focus on all these ‘bonding activities’ and inadvertently push out your boys?

I have seen and know people who have had 2 or 3 boys first before having the ‘longed-for’ daughter and, trust me, it’s so obvious who is the favourite. I highly doubt their sons don’t realise either. It’s sad.

Believe it or not from the responses on here, loads of women have a preference when pregnant - I desperately wanted a boy. When DD turned up, I didn’t give it a moments thought, she was and is perfect.
It’s nerve wracking the prospect of three children especially if they are young. I agree that boys can be physically harder work (I got one in the end, he’s a dream but as a baby was hard going)
Youll love your baby if it’s a girl or a boy, it’ll work and you’ll make peace with it. Although, if it’s a girl I think you’ll be surprised how difficult she is in her own way, all children bring something new and challenging!

Don’t fret. First get past these early hormonal day and accept your family will be what it will be.