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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

DH expecting too much at 38wks, AIBU?

103 replies

Coffeecoin · 20/05/2025 08:05

I feel sitting here writing this is so unnecessary but I am so angry. I am currently 38wks with DC2 and still working fulltime (last week, yay).

Yesterday I was done - had been awake since 3am the night before because of general discomfort, had done washing before work, had a stressful day at work trying to close things off, cooked dinner, picked up DC1 from nursery + took him to the park (was sunny and park is right across nursery) and admittedly, I was in a sour mood. I was even tearful. Was just feeling overwhelmed.

Anyway, then came bedtime and DC1 (2YO) does this thing every night where he reads with his dad in his bed and then comes running to our bed wanting me to get out of my own bed and go to his until he falls asleep, which can take about 30mins and this was at 9pm yesterday. I was reluctant to get out my bed and asked DC1 to go back to his room with his DH. Naturally he had a meltdown (I am totally OK with meltdowns, understand their normal etc) but DH gets flustered so he grabbed him and said to him ‘Right, let’s go, mummy doesn’t want you’. At that point I was fuming - I don’t want my son, or I am at almost fullterm and completely knackered by everything I am still keeping afloat? Was I being unreasonable in wanting to sleep at 9pm yesterday and not do bedtime for once?

anyway, I didn’t say anything back and just slept. Had a good night’s sleep finally and had a word with DH this morning. He told me he is fed up of my complaining and always being grumpy but when I asked him what he expected from me last night, he wasn’t able to reply. I also said it’s surely time better spent for him to do bedtime and have his wife rest than have his wife do bedtime while he relaxes doing stuff he likes???

Feeling miserable and just want to run away from everything 😂 not sure how to move forward from here without massively resenting DH atm 😅

OP posts:
kalokagathos · 20/05/2025 08:16

Completely get you. Men generally have such low resilience hence your DH had no response for you. Push him to practice that resilience because he’ll bloody need it very soon!

doodahdayy · 20/05/2025 08:21

Lazy arse seems used to you doing everything. If he doesn’t step up it’s going to get a lot harder with another baby.

Original poster
Coffeecoin · 20/05/2025 08:21

@kalokagathos that’s what I was thinking! 🤔 Life is going to get way harder, may as well practice and keep up bedtime with DC1 because I’ll be away with DC2 very soon trying to soothe, feed etc??!!

Maybe actually seeing the baby will help 😜 maybe a baby baking behind a bump is not a real baby for most men 😅 Oh better to have a laugh than cry at this point

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 20/05/2025 08:23

I probably think you are both feeling stressed, the last few weeks are hard and we say things that we wouldn’t normally say. DH and I had the most awful arguments around that time, mostly started by me feeling exhausted.

Readytohealnow · 20/05/2025 08:23

That was a really stupid thing to say. But that bedtime routine sounds ridiculous and exhausting for everyone. He needs to be read a story then go to sleep. Once you have two this is going to be unsustainable!

Lindy2 · 20/05/2025 08:23

He couldn't respond to you because his answer would have been he wanted you to do bedtime so that he could relax.

He needs a bit of a reality check.

Tell him you're exhausted and you need to rest more. You will also need to rest once you've finished work because although you'll be home you'll be 39 weeks pregnant.

Hopefully setting it out clearly will make him realise he needs to step up.

Original poster
Coffeecoin · 20/05/2025 08:24

@doodahdayy don’t get me wrong… he does help a lot generally but I feel stretched right now, physically and mentally. Not a weekend has come and gone without me joining them at a soft play, the park etc with an achy back. I told him I’m out this weekend, out in bed. And it’s all up to him. I’m done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeecoin · 20/05/2025 08:25

@Readytohealnow thank you. Will make him read your post EOD today 😜

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffeecoin · 20/05/2025 08:28

@Mindymomo definitely, you are right. But he isn’t helping much at all. His dinner is always ready, his washing is always done. When do I get a break? And when I do, am I selfish mum for not wanting to do bedtime? Feels I can’t get it right and I might need to retreat a bit for him to get it

OP posts:
MsCactus · 20/05/2025 08:38

For a bit of context, I'm also 38 weeks pregnant with a toddler but bedridden because of health reasons. Stopped work a couple of weeks ago and my DH does all the nursery drop offs, pick ups, is working long hours (luckily can WFH) and also does every bedtime, takes DC1 out every weekend and I lay in bed.

I appreciate not everyone is bedbound at the end of pregnancy, or has pregnancy complications, but you're not being unreasonable at all! Even in a low risk pregnancy he should be doing the bulk of the work when you're heavily pregnant

Middleagedstriker · 20/05/2025 08:42

I would use the next two weeks get DS to sleep on his own. How does he manage when you aren't there?

crumblingschools · 20/05/2025 08:43

Get out of the mindset he is ‘helping’, he needs to be parenting and doing household chores. You don’t frame what you do as ‘helping’ him.

Enko · 20/05/2025 08:50

Im taking something different out of what many here seems to be taking out.

Dh was wrong in his comment and that needs a calm conversation. However you coming in to sleep w ds has to stop. For starters when baby is here there will be times you simply cant and you dont want baby to be the reason. Dh is also allowed to be tired after a days work and a tantrumming toddler is stressfull so while I cut a bit of slack over the comment I still think a conversation has to be had. I will also say returning home to someone in a bad mood is tough to deal with.

Work out a new bedtime routine for ds.

Work out a different division of chores
Stop claiming dh "helps" he doesnt he does his fair share of the chores and he parents. This is not about "helping"

Find time for both of you to relax.

Consider you dont find tantrums stressful/accept them. How does dh feel about this? Does he need some better coping strategies are you the "expert" on the toddler? If so change that.

SENNeeds2 · 20/05/2025 08:50

Ask him to walk around with a 12 pound backpack strapped to his stomach for a day and see how he feels by the end of it.

Daisyvodka · 20/05/2025 08:50

You've just said 'he does help a lot generally' and then two posts later say 'he isn't helping much at all'.
I'm guessing it's the second one.
NOW is the time for you to sit down and write a list of everything you do/are responsible for and go to him and say 'see, this is why I'm exhausted - I'm still doing more than you. Let's sit down and think about how we want to divide this up after the baby comes as initially you will be doing everything and I will be doing nothing' make it CRYSTAL CLEAR. As women we often don't want to say things out loud because they sound harsh or patronising 'because he does know what needs to be done' make sure you say it all, explicitly, out loud, so that there can be no confusion or 'confusion' (pretending he didn't know/realise) save yourself!

LoveSandbanks · 20/05/2025 08:56

SENNeeds2 · 20/05/2025 08:50

Ask him to walk around with a 12 pound backpack strapped to his stomach for a day and see how he feels by the end of it.

12lb? I weighed myself the day after giving birth to ds2 and I’d lost 20lb at delivery!

Disclaimer. I only weighed myself as I’d only gained 28lb in pregnancy and gave birth to a 10lb baby

Endofyear · 20/05/2025 09:05

At 38 wks pregnant with a 2 year old to look after, I think you're entitled to moan and complain, be tired and grumpy! He needs to get used to managing bedtime on his own, you're going to have a newborn soon and be recovering from the birth - you need your rest! He is being very unreasonable!

Mloop · 20/05/2025 09:14

I agree that you need a radical reset and fast. The bedtime thing needs tweaking, but you wouldn’t be exhausted if you weren’t doing most of the chores plus working plus being heavily pregnant. Even if you weren’t pregnant the situation would be unfair, but right now he’s an able bodied man and should be doing the lion’s share of everything. You need to make it clear that for the first couple of weeks after the birth you will be recovering and feeding the baby. And that’s it. No washing, no cooking. After that, if you are breastfeeding that will be your main job and the chores will still need to be shared, with him doing most until the baby is in a routine and sleeping through.

He seems to think you are a servant/robot.

StampOnTheGround · 20/05/2025 09:17

My DH had taken over 80% of the parenting with our toddler by the time I was that pregnant! Only on my 2 days off during the working week did I do the main parenting and even then DH was upstairs working from home, so would give me a hand when needed!

mixedcereal · 20/05/2025 09:24

I think often men need to be reminded that pregnancy is just so hard at the end for some people. They obviously can’t understand, and I think it perhaps shows how well you’ve been dealing with it so far! Well done for working this late too
I’m 39 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old and my husband has stepped up to deal with most things, but I still have to be involved in bedtime.
I’ve definitely been snappier and shorter and have had to remind my husband that he has NO IDEA how I’m feeling at this point, and I’m exhausted and if I’m snappy at this point then he just needs to practice tolerance.

I would expect an apology about the mummy doesn’t want you comment, for him to understand comments like that aren’t acceptable…particularly when you’re about to bring a baby into your toddlers life, and then draw a line under it

Gothamcity · 20/05/2025 09:24

As soon as I was pregnant with my second I told dh he had to take over bedtimes for dd1 as I knew I wouldn't be able to do both and didn't want her to associate the new baby with me suddenly not being there for her at bedtime. It worked well, and she adjusted over time and stopped asking for me once it became the norm that daddy did bedtimes, which meant it wasn't a huge change when her sibling arrived. I'd highly suggest that you tell dh that he needs to do bedtimes with your eldest from now on, as you're physically not going to be able to meet both their needs by yourself once the baby is born, especially if planning to breastfeed. His comment was ridiculous and unnecessary, and would have caused unnecessary upset for your child. He should have just made it into a positive thing of him doing bedtime and how fun it would be, instead of acting like a stroppy toddler himself.

Superscientist · 20/05/2025 09:25

The discussion about bedtime should have happened before bedtime but I'd say that's the only thing you could have done differently.

I'm not yet that far along but last year I had two pregnancies with hyperemesis and fatigue ending in miscarriage. My partner did as much as was possible. I did the nursery and school drop offs in the morning but he did the majority of the pick ups, the cleaning, the cooking. We alternate bedtime but he helped me get her ready so all I had to do was the story and sit next to her. If I was having a bad day we would swap days.

I'm pregnant again and there was a day where we both felt awful. I was on bed time and said I couldn't do bed time without a sleep first so I went to bed for a few hours whilst he looked after our daughter. I felt better for a sleep and up for doing bed time and he got a rest whilst I did bed time.

Communication of our needs is paramount, followed by flexibility in routine to accommodate our needs.

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2025 09:25

Coffeecoin · 20/05/2025 08:28

@Mindymomo definitely, you are right. But he isn’t helping much at all. His dinner is always ready, his washing is always done. When do I get a break? And when I do, am I selfish mum for not wanting to do bedtime? Feels I can’t get it right and I might need to retreat a bit for him to get it

So you are working full time and life is absolutely not 50/50?

You need a long, hard conversation

And you need to rest!

ERthree · 20/05/2025 09:33

Your Husband is an arse. You need very rapidly to stop this getting into bed with your son, you can't suddenly say to him when you are sat feeding the baby " no i can't lie with you because i am feeding the baby" that will cause huge resentment. Starting tonight you tell him he that now he has a cuddle from you a story with daddy and then it is straight to sleep with daddy still in the room. Good luck with the birth and the Husband.

Laughinglama · 20/05/2025 09:38

I think your tired and exhausted which is totally normal at this stage. Your husband probably is tired from work and probably abit anxious about the upcoming arrival and big change. I dont think enough emphasis is put on how much stress/strain/pressure it causes involved men (i use involved men here as from your post it appears he is pretty involved in family life) it doesn’t just effect the women.

I’m not really getting the same sense as everyone else - it seems that DH and DC were just doing the normal routine- i get that DH gets stressed with the meltdown but no where do i see that he expected you to get up 🤔 his choice of wording wasn’t great but he came and got your son and took him away as you wanted some rest. I would probably be miffed at the ‘mummy doesn’t want you’ comment however my husband often uses poor phrases but with good intentions in his head hes meant it as in leave mummy alone she needs some rest/peace etc. But only you can know if that was his meaning on reflection or if the expectation was for you to get up and do bedtime, in my instance my DH wouldn’t of been expecting me to get up he would just be communicating it to DC to leave me alone (poorly i admit).

However you need to nip the laying with him to sleep everynight in the bud as thats going to cause chaos once baby arrives and your more tired and stretched.