DH expecting too much at 38wks, AIBU?

[Coffeecoin]

I feel sitting here writing this is so unnecessary but I am so angry. I am currently 38wks with DC2 and still working fulltime (last week, yay).

Yesterday I was done - had been awake since 3am the night before because of general discomfort, had done washing before work, had a stressful day at work trying to close things off, cooked dinner, picked up DC1 from nursery + took him to the park (was sunny and park is right across nursery) and admittedly, I was in a sour mood. I was even tearful. Was just feeling overwhelmed.

Anyway, then came bedtime and DC1 (2YO) does this thing every night where he reads with his dad in his bed and then comes running to our bed wanting me to get out of my own bed and go to his until he falls asleep, which can take about 30mins and this was at 9pm yesterday. I was reluctant to get out my bed and asked DC1 to go back to his room with his DH. Naturally he had a meltdown (I am totally OK with meltdowns, understand their normal etc) but DH gets flustered so he grabbed him and said to him ‘Right, let’s go, mummy doesn’t want you’. At that point I was fuming - I don’t want my son, or I am at almost fullterm and completely knackered by everything I am still keeping afloat? Was I being unreasonable in wanting to sleep at 9pm yesterday and not do bedtime for once?

anyway, I didn’t say anything back and just slept. Had a good night’s sleep finally and had a word with DH this morning. He told me he is fed up of my complaining and always being grumpy but when I asked him what he expected from me last night, he wasn’t able to reply. I also said it’s surely time better spent for him to do bedtime and have his wife rest than have his wife do bedtime while he relaxes doing stuff he likes???

Feeling miserable and just want to run away from everything 😂 not sure how to move forward from here without massively resenting DH atm 😅

Tell DH you need all your strength for the eminent birth unless he plans to do it himself this time? He should be seeing you get as much rest as possible!

why is it him helping you? How often does he get up and do the washing in the morning, and meal
plan and do dinner?

I would start by dialing back on what you are doing 'for him' if he isn't reciprocating. For example you say that you do his washing. Why? Does he do something else instead which takes a similar amount of time and helps you as much as it helps him to have clean clothes. Likewise with cooking. I would perhaps start instigating an every other day approach for meal prep or whoever cooks the meal then tidies while the other person sorts out the children. This is probably more for the future. For now he needs to take on all the extra chores even if it means throwing some money at something easy to cook.

The lead up to birth is horrible, you’re uncomfortable, tired, emotional, so many things going on. I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated or needing a break. On top of that, you have a 2 year old who needs a lot of attention and affection.

As PP said, men often have a lower tolerance for meltdowns etc and get stressed easier than us. But it’s only going to get harder once baby is here. I would sit down with him and talk things through, explain that you’ll need his unwavering support and that he’ll need to take on most responsibilities with the toddler once baby is born.

Your toddler will adjust quickly and I’m sure DH will develop a stronger relationship with them. At least that was the case for me. My 3 year old DS was extremely close and clingy to me. When we had DS2, it was a hard transition at first. I felt so much guilt because I couldn’t do our bedtime routine often, I couldn’t give him 1:1 time as much. But slowly, DH took the reins and now they have such a beautiful relationship and there’s more balance between us as parents. I still spend time with DS1 but it’s much more intentional. Remember you are a team, a unit. It doesn’t work unless there is strong communication.

Wishing you a wonderful birth! X

That's a stupid hurtful thing to say, but changing the bedtime plan mid bedtime was never going to go well.

All of these comments are making me realise I am doing too much. I even still get DC1’s nappy changed and changed into his clothes for nursery every morning while DH makes his coffee/preps breakfast.

yes, I get his tired after work but I can’t help my hormones and physical strain right now so I am just gloomier than usual especially with lack of sleep. I really need to put my foot down.

I feel that comment was very hurtful to me and currently can’t look over the cloud of resentment that’s come over me from it. I do so much and would never say such a thing, even if it were true. I could never say ‘daddy doesn’t want you’.

I understand the overwhelm and tiredness.

I think the priority should be keeping the human interactions positive, so ask your DH to do more house tasks so you still have enough energy to do things like the bedtime routine.

What's the plan when you are on maternity leave? Will he expect you to do everything DC/household chore related? Will he be doing any nursery drop offs/pick ups? You need to have that chat, and remember what ever he does is parenting/being a member of the family unit not 'helping'. Don't accept comments like "I have done the ironing for you", he has just done the ironing, just like you do.

Good luck once the baby comes!

I think he also needs to have a little chat either your son and reassure him that you do want him and he shouldn’t have said that. How horrible

At 38 weeks you're carrying a baby that probably weighs about 3kg plus probably the same again in fluid, etc.

Stick 6 bags of sugar in a rucksack and make him carry it around on his front for the day and see how he likes it!

Too many men (my own DH included) are totally blinkered to the realities of day to day life and the "mental load". I had a row with my DH the other day where he moaned that I'd asked him to do a very minor thing at 11pm as we were going to bed. The task I'd asked him to do was something that was very small but obviously needed doing but somehow it was my responsibility to notice it and ask him to do it.

He got very short shrift from me when I pointed out that I'd done 3 loads of washing, changed two beds and hoovered and mopped the entire downstairs that day and what had he done?

I often wonder how he ever managed on his own as he lived by himself for years!

I think it's a good thing that you've stood up to it now. Once the baby comes he's going to have to step up to the plate with DC1 and it's a good thing he starts realising it now!

He didn't lie to your son did he you clearly didn't want your son there!

I honestly don't understand women getting pregnant with a second child and then complaining that their first child wants attention!

Why wait until now to get your son out of his bedtime routine of needing you?

He told the truth though didn't he? She wanted to sleep not spend time with her son in the routine that she's got him in to! She said every night her sons bedtime routine is book with dad then go get mum! Mum didn't want him!

Your dh needs to apologise to both you and your son for the comment he made, which was hurtful.

Then draw up a plan together. You need to rest until the birth - no ifs or buts. You are not going to have the energy and stamina for labour otherwise.

Op, you need to accept being the one to be looked after for a bit. Your dh needs to step and some! He is not helping, he is parenting.

Then after that all chores and childcare is to be divided equally. Do NOT fall into the trap of doing everything because you are on maternity leave, it’s very hard to change once you are back working full time. It’s best to start as you mean to go on. 50% each including the mental load.

YANBU. The only thing I would have done differently is talked to DC1 before bedtime started and said that Mummy is so tired etc so going to bed and Daddy is going to do bedtime on his own tonight. Then if DC had kicked off your DH could have explained that Mummy is sleeping etc.

You really need to get this bedtime routine sorted because it cannot continue the way it is and it's better getting it done before baby is here so that baby isn't blamed for it.

It’s so hard towards the end of your pregnancy. Your DH definitely needs to step up with your DS, as once the baby comes you will be pretty busy.

Now is a really good time to agree with DH on a stricter bedtime routine for DS, that only involves you minimally. Obviously you are going to want to kiss DS goodnight and tell him you love him but that’s it. No more fannying about lying with him etc. You and DH need agreement on this.

Show him that animation of what pregnancy does to your internal organs, remind him that you are being woken up every half hour by a human being kicking you, that half the time it feels like you're being stabbed in the cervix with a screwdriver and that pregnancy is work.

You've taken on a very physical job additional that never lets up, especially in the final month or so. He's not being asked to take on nearly as much extra work.

This. It doesn’t sound sustainable so no wonder everyone is tired And irritable.

Quite. Surely common sense dictates that bedtime is about winding down - not getting wound UP and racing about the house disturbing other people already in bed, and then dragging the process out for however long. Rod. own. back - fill in the gaps ehh?

Yes, he was being an arse, and obviously also can/should be doing more at other times. But also I agree with PPs that you need to make a plan jointly. I do DS1's bedtime and it can be stressful when there's going to be a meltdown (and I too understand they are normal, but they are also often avoidable), so it sounds to me like your DH snapped in the heat of the moment and said the wrong thing. From his perspective he was just doing the normal bedtime routine that you've always been part of, and his main error was being oblivious to the fact that you are getting more and more tired.

When we had DS2, DS1 was 2 and a half, and we did this before DS2 arrived:

• I did all bedtimes instead of alternating with DP (birth mother).
• DS1 was being a pain about going to sleep anyway - we'd been having one of us stay in his room, but we were realising this was counterproductive as he'd get stressed about falling asleep because then we'd leave. So we made a plan to stop staying, and then I had a chat with him (not at bedtime) about how it wasn't working because we didn't have very nice bedtimes and we both got cross, and what we were going to do instead.
• We followed a new routine of bath, story time (3 stories only), talk about what we did that day, turn on gro clock, other mum comes in to say goodnight, stroke DS's back (20 times), leave room. Each step announced along the way.
• I would come back 1 time if called, but would then say I couldn't come back in any more times after that.
• We did get some screaming but only really for a few days until he got used to it, then he settled much better and got more sleep. It wasn't stressful in the same way as an unscheduled meltdown though because we'd planned for it and made sure we were on the same page about what to do. We both (DP and I) had to stick to our guns. She would send me out to walk the dog, as I was more likely to weaken and go back in.
• We later tweaked the routine because of messing around - so now he says goodnight to his other mum as soon as he puts his pyjamas on, and before he gets in bed for story time.

This is all about 18 months ago now. I think DS1 was almost instantly much calmer and happier because he knows exactly what to expect and where we are, rather than wanting us in his room and worrying that we'll go away when he lets down his guard. We absolutely have to stick to our guns about the routine though, e.g. you only get three stories, so if you pick a fourth one, you need to put one back. And when I leave the room I still have to reiterate that there's to be no more shouting for me because I can't come in any more times.

No he should have said mummy needs her rest tonight and so I’ll stay with you to sleep. Words matter as little people can’t understand nuance like we can.
it would have been better if she’d have
asked her husband to do the sleep time up front though.

It sounds like you're doing loads! I'm a few weeks behind you and my husband does almost all bedtimes, night wakes and morning nursery preps for our toddler. We've deliberately tried to have my toddler more dependent on my husband than me though because I'm planning to breastfeed so need my husband to be able to take care of our toddler whilst I'm focusing on the new born without it being a shock to the system for the both of them!
I did bedtime last night and it took 2 hours, I was so wrecked and am miserable today!
The 'mummy doesn't want you' comment would have enraged me though, your child is old enough to understand that and its super hurtful for them, never mind you who can rationalise that it was just a heat of the moment comment.

You are doing way too much!

I had a high risk pregnancy and at 38 weeks I was doing more or less nothing. My endo insisted I finish work at 37 weeks (she didn't really want me carrying on past 34) and DH took over everything else, without me even having to ask.

I didn't even go into the kitchen because all the smells triggered nausea.

Granted, my SD was almost 10 when DD was born, but well in advance of 38 weeks I'd stopped doing the twice weekly school runs on the bus, and stopped coming on day trips or doing early mornings with her. I did read her stories before bed still, but we sat in my bed because I wasn't climbing up to her cabin bed.

Your baby could be here any day now, so I would let DH get some practise in as once baby comes he's going to have to manage everything else on his own. If you have a C-section you won't even be able to lift DS.

No wonder you are grumpy, I'd be livid if that was my DH.

If only everyone knew how to parent like you. This sounds very sensible. Well done you.
Too many kids ruling the roost at bedtime and nobody getting any rest.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🎉

Your DH's words were poor choice for sure. My DH will often say similar things in the heat of the moment. I think it's worth bearing in mind your DH is probably feeling pretty nervous about DC2 coming along and how it's going to work with you not being able to help with bedtimes. I imagine you are too!!

For what it's worth, I was in a similar situation before DC2 (now 6 months) was born. DC1 is still very much a mummy's girl and DH and I were both worried about how she'd adjust to having me less. Once DC2 arrived, DH did the majority of bedtime but we found a way to both be involved - e.g., we all sat on our bed reading stories whilst I fed DC2, then DH would take DC1 into her room to get to sleep. It wouldn't always work, sometimes I'd be feeding DC2 in DC1s bed! Although quite a few times I just explained that I needed to settled DC2 and then I'd be back in, and DC1 would fall asleep during that time.

Acknowledge how you're feeling then try to come up with a plan now for bedtimes when baby is here - tell the plan to your DH and it might help both of you reconnect and calm down. You're a team and setting out your feelings and plan moving forward, whilst also acknowledging his likely anticipation over DC2 should hopefully remind him that it's a team effort and he needs to be pulling his weight too - even if DC1 winds him up in the process!

Best of luck for the birth ❤️