DH expecting too much at 38wks, AIBU?

[Coffeecoin]

I feel sitting here writing this is so unnecessary but I am so angry. I am currently 38wks with DC2 and still working fulltime (last week, yay).

Yesterday I was done - had been awake since 3am the night before because of general discomfort, had done washing before work, had a stressful day at work trying to close things off, cooked dinner, picked up DC1 from nursery + took him to the park (was sunny and park is right across nursery) and admittedly, I was in a sour mood. I was even tearful. Was just feeling overwhelmed.

Anyway, then came bedtime and DC1 (2YO) does this thing every night where he reads with his dad in his bed and then comes running to our bed wanting me to get out of my own bed and go to his until he falls asleep, which can take about 30mins and this was at 9pm yesterday. I was reluctant to get out my bed and asked DC1 to go back to his room with his DH. Naturally he had a meltdown (I am totally OK with meltdowns, understand their normal etc) but DH gets flustered so he grabbed him and said to him ‘Right, let’s go, mummy doesn’t want you’. At that point I was fuming - I don’t want my son, or I am at almost fullterm and completely knackered by everything I am still keeping afloat? Was I being unreasonable in wanting to sleep at 9pm yesterday and not do bedtime for once?

anyway, I didn’t say anything back and just slept. Had a good night’s sleep finally and had a word with DH this morning. He told me he is fed up of my complaining and always being grumpy but when I asked him what he expected from me last night, he wasn’t able to reply. I also said it’s surely time better spent for him to do bedtime and have his wife rest than have his wife do bedtime while he relaxes doing stuff he likes???

Feeling miserable and just want to run away from everything 😂 not sure how to move forward from here without massively resenting DH atm 😅

I don’t disagree that she can be tired but life doesn’t stop because shes pregnant, definitely not when you have a toddler- been there done that its exhausting. I have already said his choice of wording was poor but he was actually taking the toddler to put to bed.

By all accounts OP says DH does the story etc on a night and sounds fairly involved from other comments

‘don’t get me wrong… he does help a lot generally but I feel stretched right now, physically and mentally. Not a weekend has come and gone without me joining them at a soft play, the park etc’

If OP is the first one in the house on a night then surely it goes without saying that she makes the dinner, if they’re both in at the same time then yes it should be shared but since i arrive home 2 hours before my DH then i’m not going to sit and make the household wait up to 3 hours (by the time he’s in and food is prepped) for him to get in and make dinner, so my DH would get home to dinner being done. Its about balance isn’t it.

OP would it be a good suggestion to make bedtime earlier eg 7-7:30pm ?

then you could both have some time to relax together or even separately to watch Tv or read a book or chat whatever and then go to bed ? 9pm seems quite late to be getting the toddler down and theres no adult/wind down time, prehaps hes finding that frustrating too. Work, Getting in, toddler tantrums, exhausted wife (who he then perceives as grumpy/snappy), bedtime battles, then bed on repeat, all seems abit tense and miserable

Surely he has learnt resilience by now. The OP is on child number 3😊
Edited to say my mistake, she is on child number 2!

38 wks is when I had my first DC so I really remember the feeling of the sheer weight of everything at that point, literally and otherwise. So I am very sympathetic.

I would just rest now as much as possible, if you can. The thing that worked for me and my DH wasn't so much formal planning, because babies are so chaotic aren't they, but agreeing to let each other have rest times of an hour, when needed. Taking turns in that, (not hogging the rest times) as much as anything.

Good luck I hope the birth is straightforward and over quickly.

@Laughinglama did you read the bit where OP is rushing about in the morning to get DC1 ready for nursery whilst DH gets his coffee. She does the cooking, laundry and he reads a story! Not quite equal, and she is growing a baby, and having lack of sleep etc due to that

What a git! Sorry, I've nothing helpful or constructive to contribute, but this sort of thing enrages me. Late pregnancy's exhausting, caring for 2 year olds is exhausting, and working full-time with the above in the mix is exhausting. Only one of you's coping with all three - and it's not him. So he needs to do more. You didn't get pregnant all by yourself.

Poor man with his tired and grumpy wife not making sure he has pleasant adult time

jesus wept

I'm sorry he's just horrible.

You are very pregnant, with all that entails and he is unsupportive, lazy and emotionally blackmailing you. He's trying to make you feel bad about DS 1 so he doesn't have to do anything at all.

Can you take your son and go elsewhere? You shouldn't have to deal with this negativity whilst in such a vulnerable state.

Agree!

And why would it be a given that she should be making dinner if she's in first!?

She should be coming in and resting. She's late stage growing another human. He should be doing every other thing. That's his contribution. And what's more if he loved her, he would want to.

I read it as made his coffee and prepped breakfast - as in for all 3 of them, if he’s just doing his own breakfast then that’s unreasonable of course it is. if hes doing all of their breakfasts whilst she gets DC ready i think thats a fair split personally as its covering two tasks which need doing. So i guess it does depend on if he is just seeing to himself or not.

Edited to add about the dinner, i did say if he was in a lot later it would make sense for her to do dinner. Its all circumstancial isn’t.

In my set up i make it i get in two hours earlier - my children want to eat so dinner is made for DH getting home. I can’t imagine sitting and waiting for DH to get home for him to start prepping/cooking dinner and everyone being tired hungry and ratty 3 hours after i’ve got home. Clearly im too logical/practical or i just ‘allow’ my DH to be pampered.

With regards to the wind down time i didn’t just mean for him i actually meant it would benefit them both. I know from experience. I just offered some perspective. Clearly they’re both struggling with the current set up.

to conclude i don’t think OP shouldn’t be tired at 38 weeks pregnant or that her DH should just sit on his arse.

"Life doesn't stop because she's pregnant"

Tell me you had an easy pregnancy without telling me you had a easy pregnancy.

I've had to be bedbound for the last three months of this pregnancy against my will. Life has very much stopped.

The physical strain of pregnancy - to your heart, your lungs etc - has been shown to be equivalent to running a marathon every single day. If you barely felt any different and could carry on life the same as before then you're very very lucky. That's not most people's experience of pregnancy

YANBU but I would say that next time communicate in advance that you won’t be doing bedtime, so your DH is prepared to take over. Unfortunately men need to be TOLD everything…

It sounds like a deep lack of empathy for you. What is he like when you’re ill? I think you need to reset the division of labour and have a talk about what pregnancy and childbirth are like. Don’t spare him the details. If this doesn’t help you need couples therapy.

In the short-term, you seem to be suggesting that you stop cooking and eat toast. Will he not cook at all? It sounds like there are some deep rooted issues with your marriage.

@Coffeecoin how selfish, he is expecting far to much from you at 38 weeks and still working and doing lots of chores. He should have not have said that at all to your son, he should have said something more like, give mummy a quick cuddle then off to bed with story with daddy, mummy is very tired. Tough if he is tired, he needs to pull his weight at this time.

@somanythingssolittletime funny how most men don’t need to be told everything at work. We shouldn’t accept them having to be told everything at home. We certainly shouldn’t be bringing up boys to have this attitude

No, I think you had it right the first time - Man child, toddler child, pregnant with third child.

😂😂😂

Drop all the rope, no doing his washing, no making his dinners. Rest and look after DC1, that is all. Fuck him.

I wouldn't say I have to tell my partner to do things any more than he has to tell me!
I would say the same for my mum/dad grandfather/grandmother, MIL/FIL. In fact any relationship where there's respect between the two parties.

I should wrap this up: had a calm adult conversation. Agreed on him stepping in for bedtime for now and anything else I ask for if not completely obvious to him.

This has drained me today but it is always worthwhile to chat through calmly without emotion.

thanks for everyone’s support!

Did this conversation address him doing an equitable amount of childcare and domestic labour on the whole?

@Coffeecoin dd he offer to step up or did you have to ask?

@ForeverPombear yes. He told me to ask if I feel it’s not enough.

@crumblingschools he came back from work and realised it makes more sense for him to take on bedtime right now, especially with baby on the way. He agreed we should not have DC1 associate my absence at bedtime with baby’s arrival too.

@Coffeecoin is he going to do more chores?

This
Sorry to be brutal and generalising but after bringing up 2 kids and seeing lots of friends i met with their kids, unfortunately men do not t pull their weight. That was totally out of order what he did and then having to be told to take over bedtime without just picking up the slack is outrageous. Look after yourself- men always always do. When you are tired- rest. When you don't want to cook- don't
When you want to play with kids and ignore the mess- do exactly that

if you feel it’s too much getting up and do bedtime your son needs to be prepared for it not just told no at bedtime as that’s a recipe for disaster and not fair on your son. But actually it’s better to do it now rather than once the baby comes.
your dhs comment was shitty and unnecessary the problem is with two children you both have to pull your weight. With one child one parent can end up doing the lions share and not really noticing. With two there’s a lot more tag teaming. I’d be concerned that your dh is going to resent the extra work load coming your way.