DH expecting too much at 38wks, AIBU?

[Coffeecoin]

I feel sitting here writing this is so unnecessary but I am so angry. I am currently 38wks with DC2 and still working fulltime (last week, yay).

Yesterday I was done - had been awake since 3am the night before because of general discomfort, had done washing before work, had a stressful day at work trying to close things off, cooked dinner, picked up DC1 from nursery + took him to the park (was sunny and park is right across nursery) and admittedly, I was in a sour mood. I was even tearful. Was just feeling overwhelmed.

Anyway, then came bedtime and DC1 (2YO) does this thing every night where he reads with his dad in his bed and then comes running to our bed wanting me to get out of my own bed and go to his until he falls asleep, which can take about 30mins and this was at 9pm yesterday. I was reluctant to get out my bed and asked DC1 to go back to his room with his DH. Naturally he had a meltdown (I am totally OK with meltdowns, understand their normal etc) but DH gets flustered so he grabbed him and said to him ‘Right, let’s go, mummy doesn’t want you’. At that point I was fuming - I don’t want my son, or I am at almost fullterm and completely knackered by everything I am still keeping afloat? Was I being unreasonable in wanting to sleep at 9pm yesterday and not do bedtime for once?

anyway, I didn’t say anything back and just slept. Had a good night’s sleep finally and had a word with DH this morning. He told me he is fed up of my complaining and always being grumpy but when I asked him what he expected from me last night, he wasn’t able to reply. I also said it’s surely time better spent for him to do bedtime and have his wife rest than have his wife do bedtime while he relaxes doing stuff he likes???

Feeling miserable and just want to run away from everything 😂 not sure how to move forward from here without massively resenting DH atm 😅

Thanks everyone xx I just spoke to DH and he said he passed that comment because he thinks I feel DC1 is a burden to me. Again, I was hurt by this. Why can’t he get I am tired? Why is being tired from pregnancy and needing more support perceived as me seeing DC1 as a burden? I am at a loss. I have nothing else to say.

Is him saying you think DC1 is a burden because you are asking him to step up and be a parent to them?

Did you tell him you were hurt by his comment? What your plans for splitting chores/parenting when on maternity leave? If you ask him to do more (shouldn't need to ask as he should just step up as other posters have said their partners have) will he repeat his comment that you think DC1 is a burden to you

You should tell him that he's the burden. His lack of parenting his own child is a burden. Your DC is definitely not the burden here.

What a bastard. He needs to get over that. What DC1 needs is consistency and he won't be able to get that from you if you are dealing with a newborn (esp if breastfeeding), so DH needs to work out a plan with you for how you both intend for him to handle bedtimes and mornings, which need to be very clear and routine. Then you can also both work out a plan for how you can give DC1 one-one-one attention at different times when baby is here - which will involve DH being in charge of the baby.

@crumblingschools I did say that if he thinks DC1 is a burden to me, then
by extension, he is the real burden for not stepping up.

I am struggling to see how we can resolve this. I am tempted to book a few nights away in a hotel at this point with the hope of having some space. Anxious the tension will still be in the air tonight and don’t want to expose DC1 to it.

What the fuck - I didn't do this when I was married and CHILDLESS

That was a terrible, passive agressive, way of communicating his thought to you. Obviously damaging to your dc1 but also horrible to you and so furtive and mean from him.

There are two approaches. Go nuclear or try to work it through.

Is he an only child or (does he think) he lost his mummy when he had siblings?

Was he hijacked by memories of himself as a child wailing for his mummy?

If so he is emotionally immature but he can learn to grow to fit adulthood if he works at it.

Not sure what you have to work with if he isnt honest about his motivations.

the burden comment makes me think your DH might be projecting. Does he have siblings? I think this could be easily resolved with some reassurance.

Also you’re about to give birth so yes you can go to bed at 9pm and expect DH to step in.

Finally, staying with your toddler until he or she falls asleep can be what some of them need. It may be exhausting but I wouldn’t change that routine right now tbh

If you are expected to do everything at home, at 38 weeks pregnant, why are you still working? I hope you aren't the main breadwinner as well.

I know times have changed hut I was done at 34 weeks 30 years ago, when I had a strap hanging commute on two tubes and a 15 minute brisk walk at each end with a full on stressful job in the middle.

@Coffeecoin I over did it. The baby arrived at 36.3.

Why don’t you do what some are doing on tik tok you tube etc. get a large watermelon and two oranges. He wears them as boobs and belly held on by cling film. And he wears it all weekend

then let’s see how he feels

I am tempted to book a few nights away in a hotel at this point with the hope of having some space.

Don't do that. After 'D'H's comment - totally uncalled for and not your fault but... - DC1 will think you really don't want him.

It sounds like you need Eve Rodsky's book: Fair Play

Once you both see all the things that you do, on top of growing another human being, he'll have no choice but to agree that he has to step up. Good luck OP, not long to go!

OP, you don't need to look after your DH, just look after yourself and your child for now. I agree with others who suggest doing your own laundry only and other things that split the load more evenly like your own washing up - leave his dirty plates to one side. When I've been really narked at my DH I've made my side of the bed only, leaving his a mess. 17 years married now and he's an incredible husband - but it has taken a bit of 'training'.

LaughingLLlama Not enough emphasis is given to men and the stress/strain of an upcoming birth? the poor dear may be tired from work! WTAF is going on .OP is working ,looking after LO and may like an evening rest at 39 weeks .Honestly the low bar we give to men here.He should realise unless in another planet his wife needs to rest and relax.Shes still at work FGS.

“Men generally have such low resilience”…what a complete load of garbage. MN is so blinkered in this. The case in point in here is fair enough but this general view is complete nonsense.

There are some strong emotions coming from your husband. I'd say something has triggered these emotions and I think without addressing where they have come from you'll struggle to resolve it.

He needs to open his eyes to his shitty behaviour apologise to both you and your son and bloody well step up. He acting like a spoilt and entitled AH and he needs to stop!

You and DH need to have a conversation about new bedtime routine when baby is here and ideally start it tonight. When née baby comes along DS will be unsettled and will probably find it harder to settle at bed time and unwind so the half hour lie down could easily become hours. Although you can just breastfeed the baby to help them be calm and settled while doing bedtime for DS if you're confident you won't fall asleep whole lying there for what could be hours.

Let husband put toddler to bed from now on. Go sit in the car while he's doing this . It could be noisy.

Why can’t he get I am tired? Why is being tired from pregnancy and needing more support perceived as me seeing DC1 as a burden?

Did you ask him this?

Why are you calling it ‘help’ when he does some (probably not his full share) domestic labour and/or childcare? Those things are as much his responsibility as they are yours. Why do you think they aren’t?

@ForZanyAquaViewer i did. He just says I’m a cloud of negativity but what else is there to being tired at 38 weeks pregnant.

I’d appreciate input on how to move forward. I feel stuck. He has agreed to doing bedtime but his tone still indicates to me that he thinks I am exaggerating. Perhaps I should abandon all house chores going forward and focus on DC1? No cooking, laundry etc. I’m happy with toast ever night

Why is his dinner waiting for him and his washing done?? STOP. Tell him you need to concentrate your energy on the baby and toddler, not the grown up manchild.

I think you need to explain to your DH in very small words (because he seems a bit slow), he may consider that you only have 1 DC at the moment, but you are currently caring for 2DC at the moment.

Whilst he was putting your eldest child to bed last night, you were putting the baby to bed, in your stomach, resting, where you should be, in the hopes of giving you and your DC the best possible start to life; a tired and stressed mum makes for a very difficult birth.

So, from this point on, he needs to recognise that as you are taking care of one child 100% of the time, he should be looking to do as close to 100% care of your eldest child as possible to keep things even.

I swear if men got pregnant and gave birth, they’d be on bed rest and lauded as miracle makers every day, and yet here you are, still working, still doing the majority of care for you first born and he still doesn’t think that’s enough 🙄

How was he in your first pregnancy and earlier in this pregnancy?