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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Being made to choose relationship/abortion

109 replies

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 07:12

Hi, I’ve never ever wrote in chats like this before.
I would really like some advice from maybe people that have been in/going through this situation.
back story.
I have a nearly 7 year old from a previous relationship and a just turned 1 year old with my boyfriend.
i found out I was pregnant and currently I am 11 weeks pregnant.
when I first told my boyfriend he wasn’t happy but all he would say was “I don’t want another baby” but when we where on holiday (where I found out) when he had a drink he was like “are we doing this then”
anyway when we got back from holiday and on my sons first birthday after my son went to bed he said “what are we doing then” I said we will be okay he said he doesn’t want the baby and if I chose to keep the baby he will leave me because he doesn’t want another baby.
I said to him why did you say them things to me on holiday and he said sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I had, had a drink.
I feel like I can’t split my family up and leave my son without his dad.
but I am torn I feel like I can’t get an abortion either I went for the first appointment to see how far I was yesterday and they said 11 weeks and you are not meant to see the scan but I could because she had glasses on.
she also made a comment about it moving around.
now they can’t give me a surgical abortion because I will be over there amount of weeks they will do it, so I have been referred back to bpas.
I have done nothing but cry when I am on my own.
I can’t talk to boyfriend because he said he has no attachment to it because it’s unwanted and I will be fine.
he’s not supportive at all.
I feel so low it’s hurting me.
I don’t think I can go through with the abortion but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what would be peoples thoughts on this??
please I would appreciate advice.
thank you very much xx
I have put this on another thread too.

OP posts:

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/05/2025 07:18

but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what does this mean?

crossstitchingnana · 10/05/2025 07:26

You need to decide what you want to do regarding the pregnancy. Tbh your partner doesn’t sound all that great if he’s prepared to walk away from his family. Does he not realise he will still be a dad to it?

I wish you well, what a horrible situation.

WaltzingWaters · 10/05/2025 07:29

Your boyfriend is being manipulative and selfish in making you chose between him and an abortion. He helped make this baby and needs to take responsibility for that.
I would say your relationship is over either way. If you get an abortion you will resent him and what he’s made you do with no regard to your feelings at all. But if you do keep the baby you will most likely be going it alone, so think about what that means and whether you can cope.
But either way, I’d throw away this selfish prick.

IsThisLifeNow · 10/05/2025 07:30

If you do have a termination how would you feel about him?

It sounds like your relationship would be dead after he forced you to do something like that, so consider you could choose to do nothing of these things, ot just ditch him and keep the baby?

BlackPantherPrincess · 10/05/2025 07:30

I would decide whether or not I could manage a baby alone, take the Dad out the equation.

MumChp · 10/05/2025 07:31

Your relationship is over. Decide your future.

Sunblocker · 10/05/2025 07:32

You poor thing, is he normally so nasty or do you think he’s panicking? He’s responsible for this just as much as you are, so putting the onus on you to decide is ridiculous and cruel. If you spilt it won’t be you taking your current child’s Dad away, it’ll be him deciding to abdicate his responsibilities and abandon his family.
You will of course manage; I was pregnant with our 2nd when my partner left and he’s been an absent father for the majority of their lives. It’s bloody hard but much harder to have someone in their lives who is inadequate.
The key thing is that it’s your body. Only you will know if you can go through the trauma of an abortion at this stage and live with that decision. Do you want this baby? You’ll know in your heart; everything else comes second. He’s forcing you into an impossible decision, neither situation is one you would have chosen but it’s not a situation you alone created. I’m so sorry he’s reacted like this- it must be awful for you.

Ploeready · 10/05/2025 07:33

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/05/2025 07:18

but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what does this mean?

She will have her older child, a newborn and her current just turned 1 year old will be 17/18 months if she went ahead with the pregnancy.

Whispee · 10/05/2025 07:34

BlackPantherPrincess · 10/05/2025 07:30

I would decide whether or not I could manage a baby alone, take the Dad out the equation.

This. The relationship is over either way really, he'll leave if you have the baby and you'll feel resentful if you have an abortion when it isn't what you want to get him to stay.

Lostworlds · 10/05/2025 07:38

I’m sorry to say but whatever you decide to do your relationship is over. If you get an abortion I think you’ll end up resenting him which is understandable. I’m not sure how you can forgive, forget and move on from that and pretend everything is normal.
if you decide to have this child, is he really saying he will walk away from his family? If so then he still needs to pay child maintenance and support you and his children.

I think you need to put yourself and your children first and think about what you want, take him out of the equation because he’s being manipulative.

SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 07:41

There's a good chance of the relationship failing anyway, as you will deeply resent him making you terminate your pregnancy. No doubt he was relying on you to sort contraception and not using condoms or anything if he was so against having another child?

I doubt you will "be ok" after the termination. You are already emotionally attached and your hormones are raging. You need to look at the practicalities and determine if you could manage another child, in addition to your two existing DC, if you have to go it alone (with whatever benefits you're entitled to). Do you work? Do you have any back up from friends or family to help?

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 07:43

I already have a 1 year old and when the baby is born my son will be 17/18 months old.

after going for the scan today to see how far I am broke me down completely.
im scared I won’t cope on my own with 2 under 2.
I just don’t think I can do this.
I have a picture in my head that when I go to the appointment for the abortion I’m just going to walk out and say I can’t do it.
he used to be brilliant with his son. He used to get up in the mornings go to work but unfortunately he lost his job. Then he had a relapse.
all I’ve done is be there for him with all his issues.
i can’t believe he’s making me pick the relationship or the baby. I said why would you say that he said it’s because we obviously want different things in life that’s why the relationship would end

OP posts:

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 07:45

I do work. Just back from maternity leave.
also after yesterday I went alone because he had a days work. I was upset and I said are you not and he went no because it’s unwanted I feel so lost

OP posts:

Grecianrainbow · 10/05/2025 07:53

With as much compassion as I can muster your relationship is over either way.
As PP said - if you terminate a pregnancy that it sounds like you want to carry to term then you will resent him forever. Plus it doesn’t sound like this is the healthiest relationship to start with.
if you have the baby then he can choose to leave- so you need to think about doing it alone. But also he can choose to leave if you don’t have the baby, Is he actively looking for work or now are you doing everything on your own anyway?

Zeitumschaltung · 10/05/2025 07:59

Drop him. If this is his reaction to an unplanned pregnancy he will be rubbish as time goes on. He won’t be holding anyone’s hand through bereavement or chemotherapy. All the relationship is worth to him is as a tool to manipulate you.
Then decide alone if you want the baby.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 07:59

Hes looking for work and will take anything that’s going so it’s not like he doesn’t want to work.
Hes never be affectionate never has been so no hugs. I just feel so low.
I just need to ask will I cope with 2 under 2 on my own that’s what I’m scared about

OP posts:

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 08:02

His exact works where it’s your body you can do what you want I’m not forcing you to have an abortion you can keep the baby. But I will leave because we obviously want different things in life. He said he’s happy just with his son. I said so if I have the baby won’t you have anything to do with it and only see your son he said obviously not. I will have them both.
I also said I bet you leave me anyway when I have an abortion he said I’ve told you so many times I won’t.
but something tells me not to believe him.
I just don’t think I can do this by the time I have the appointment I’m going to be about 13 weeks

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 10/05/2025 08:06

You are being pressurised to do something huge which you absolutely do not want to do. He may leave anyway even if you don't have the abortion. It's no guarantee of anything. You make your decision. Then he makes his.

Stripeyanddotty · 10/05/2025 08:09

What do you mean by ‘he had a relapse’?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 08:10

BlackPantherPrincess · 10/05/2025 07:30

I would decide whether or not I could manage a baby alone, take the Dad out the equation.

Yes this.

Your boyfriend is a dick, but it doesn’t sound as if another baby is going to be viable unless you can come up with some support.

Your first duty is to yourself and the kids you already have, so think about what’s best for the 3 of you.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 10/05/2025 08:13

With kindness, it’s really hard to see why you would consider him such a big influence on your decision. You’re describing someone who doesn’t offer you physical affection or emotional support, who isn’t able to secure or maintain employment, who has substance misuse issues and who isn’t a great parent. Do you really want to make such a big decision that could effect you for a long time based on wanting to keep him? I think you need to make a decision based on what you want and feel you could cope with.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 08:15

He has battled addiction for years.
he is now clean. But unfortunately he had a relapse. That’s another story.

is it doable to cope with 2 under 2 on your own.
i honestly think I can’t do this and have an abortion.
think more so because of how far along I am now.
he said he should of worded it differently when he said he would leave.
I said to him how can you make me pick and lose my family and my son loses his dad. He said well the choice is yours I am not forcing you to but I can’t stay with you if he don’t have an abortion because I don’t want another baby and it shows that we want different things in life.

I said where are you going to go and he went back to his nans till he finds somewhere.
he’s not going to look good to his friends really is he. Plus then he would have to have both children on his own and I know he would not cope.
I don’t honestly know if this is a threat. I also have a feeling he will leave if I do/don’t keep the baby.

it’s more now working out can you cope with 2 under 2 on your own

OP posts:

JoyousEagle · 10/05/2025 08:17

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 08:02

Gently, I don’t think it matters if you believe him that he’ll stay. If you have an abortion you don’t want because he has manipulated you, your relationship is probably over.
And if you don’t have the abortion, your relationship is over.

No one can decide for you. But I think you need to make the decision on the basis of you being a single mum either to your existing children, or to your existing children plus a new baby.

BPAS offer counselling I believe. Can you call them and speak to someone?

BruisedNeckMeat · 10/05/2025 08:18

The relationship sounds doomed either way.

I would not however, be bringing another baby into those circumstances. That is just me, personally - you cannot be pressured to terminate if you don’t want to.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 10/05/2025 08:19

Also, when I spoke to him after the appointment and scan yesterday I said I saw the baby in the women’s glasses and it was moving around and because my hospital won’t do abortion after 12 weeks 6 days and there isn’t any space until June I said if they have me waiting a while I don’t think I could do it, it’s a fully formed baby. He said so it’s unwanted I said don’t you have any feelings and he said no and laughed. And shrugged his shoulders.

OP posts:

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