Being made to choose relationship/abortion

[Clairelh87]

Hi, I’ve never ever wrote in chats like this before.
I would really like some advice from maybe people that have been in/going through this situation.
back story.
I have a nearly 7 year old from a previous relationship and a just turned 1 year old with my boyfriend.
i found out I was pregnant and currently I am 11 weeks pregnant.
when I first told my boyfriend he wasn’t happy but all he would say was “I don’t want another baby” but when we where on holiday (where I found out) when he had a drink he was like “are we doing this then”
anyway when we got back from holiday and on my sons first birthday after my son went to bed he said “what are we doing then” I said we will be okay he said he doesn’t want the baby and if I chose to keep the baby he will leave me because he doesn’t want another baby.
I said to him why did you say them things to me on holiday and he said sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I had, had a drink.
I feel like I can’t split my family up and leave my son without his dad.
but I am torn I feel like I can’t get an abortion either I went for the first appointment to see how far I was yesterday and they said 11 weeks and you are not meant to see the scan but I could because she had glasses on.
she also made a comment about it moving around.
now they can’t give me a surgical abortion because I will be over there amount of weeks they will do it, so I have been referred back to bpas.
I have done nothing but cry when I am on my own.
I can’t talk to boyfriend because he said he has no attachment to it because it’s unwanted and I will be fine.
he’s not supportive at all.
I feel so low it’s hurting me.
I don’t think I can go through with the abortion but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what would be peoples thoughts on this??
please I would appreciate advice.
thank you very much xx
I have put this on another thread too.

Sounds like your feeling more positive op

I just need to pick now when the best time is to tell him.
I think I will wait till my daughter goes to her dads on Sunday because I don’t want her listening.
I have another appointment on Tuesday with the midwife about the abortion but the lady on the phone could tell I didn’t want an abortion so they will probably no that from my notes anyway.
I’m sure there’s support services that can help regarding me keeping the baby.
he’s free to leave if that’s what he wants.
my body my life my children.
I just need to stay strong.
he brings nothing to me anymore apart from hurt

Oh, this is awful. What an absolute dick. Your relationship is over, regardless of what you do - and it should be. You sound as if you want to keep the child, and you'd resent him bitterly if you stayed with him after an abortion. You have to come to terms with the fact that your relationship is dead. Better now than later... a man who reacts like this to a pregnancy is a loser, and would give up on you and his children at the drop of a hat, when the going gets tough. Good luck with your decision! Men come and go, your children are forever, and they should be your priority.

You sound like a very strong woman. You'll not just cope, you'll thrive, once you're rid of all the additional stress that man brings you.

I would have a think about what you will do if he announces he has changed his mind and wants to stay

I don’t think he will. He’s made that clear.
but after that conversation today I don’t think I want him to well I don’t.
if he can walk away from his family because of his selfish needs he’s not a real man

I just saw this update, and it sounds as if you've made your decision. I'm sure you're a great mum, and you can do this. Wishing you all the best, stay strong!

I hope so!!
don’t get me wrong it’s a bit scary at the thought of having to. But the love it will bring and how close they will be in age. It will get easier and if I can do it with all the stress that man has brought to me I can do it on my own.
yes it will be hard very hard at times but I know I can do it without someone that doesn’t do anything anyway.
I can’t even bare to look at him now as it is imagine if I had an abortion it would be 10000% worse.
I just have to stop caring what other people will think about me being pregnant

I’ve not read all the posts but just wanted to say…
my ex husband made me have an abortion. Pressured me, threatened to leave me, had his mum tell me I couldn’t cope with the kids I already had (not true), threatened to cancel the wedding all of it, all sorts of awful things. And I did it!!
And I have regretted it every day since and wish I had been stronger against him!! They would be nearly 13 now if I hadn’t have done it. I left him 5 years ago after tons more emotional abuse and was the best thing I ever did!! I’m also 38 and now newly pregnant with the most wonderful man!! It can get better, sending lots of love xxx

Thank you for your message.
the talk I had with the women from bpas really helped.
when I think about it my decision has been on what he wants only.
not once did he truly ask me how I am feeling not once. That’s not right.
it’s always about making sure he’s okay.
and I ask now what about me.
I know I can do it. Yes it’s going to be really hard. But having an abortion to keep him happy and to keep him with me isn’t the right reasons. There’s a high chance he would leave anyway because you wouldn’t say that to someone you loved. Yes he has a right to be unhappy. I have come to realise he’s saying that as a way to get out and doesn’t want to have 2 children with me and have ties to me even more.
so I have thought and thought and I am having this baby regardless of what him and his family or anyone thinks.
I know it’s hard on your own. And there may be times I feel like have I done the right thing. But having an abortion and regretting it for life isn’t what I want.

well done for walking away from a man like that it’s not easy.

I know have to find the right time to tell him I am not doing this.
because I know he will pack his stuff and leave.
that’s how the hard thing to do and picking the right time

This relationship is over either way. The question is can you cope with 3 children including 2 under 2, physically, emotionally, financially? Remember you won’t get any additional help (benefits) except child benefit as it’s a third child. Nobody can really say if you can cope except you, do you have a support network?

alternatively surgical abortion is very quick and straightforward at this stage, or you could consider adoption but that would be very hard for most people.

it’s your choice, not easy anyway. Take care

I think you have to be realistic about whether you could afford/ are able to raise 3 children with limited input from him. I’d do your sums childcare / costs. The early years are brutal especially as a working single parent.

It’s important to consider the impact on your current children. I think possibly your relationship will be over either way.

I have a full time job I work from home.
my daughter isn’t my partners child and she spends half the time at her dads.
I don’t get benefits for my daughter only my son.
like I said I work and my son will be getting 30 hours nursery in September.
yes I understand it’s going to be really hard at times but I’m still at the getting up stage with my son.
I have also gone into this knowing and thinking I will be a single parent. But to be honest I am like that now with my son.

You seem puzzled that he is selfish and indifferent to your feelings? But he has always been this way. He is an addict who has never offered you hugs and affection. He liked having a child (1child) perhaps because it tied you to him and made you more eager to please him, support him, and ignore his addiction relsose. But he doesn’t want the pressure of a second baby. And he doesn’t bother offering you frills like love, affection, or empathy.

Giving, giving, giving to a selfish man is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole at the bittom. All that you give vanishes into the sand. The bucket doesn’t care.

If it were me I probably would terminate. But I would also leave him. He will betray you again. He treats you badly—like a fool. Why keep his addicted ass i your life? He isn’t worthy of you.

Please please please do not abort this pregnancy because you have been blackmailed by a complete arsehole! If you do, you'll never ever forgive him, your relationship will be ruined anyway and you'll probably split because of this.
There's nothing to stop him from leaving you either once he's forced you into a termination, so by having one to please him, you're not safeguarding your relationship anyway.
I was in your position many years ago, blackmailed, told he would kill himself etc etc. I went through with it and it was the biggest regret of my life. I still think about it most days. A day after the termination he acted like NOTHING had happened. I hated his guts and use to lay awake at night ashamed of myself for being bullied into it and not sticking up for my unborn baby.
Boo hoo to him. If he didn't want another child then he shouldn't have had sex with you, simple as that. No contraception is every 100% foolproof, only abstinence. It makes me so mad that these men just send us off to a clinic sort out the 'problem' and then act like life goes on as normal thereafter.
Do what's right for you not him.
He is a colossal prick.

It takes two to tango, as the saying goes. The fact you are pregnant, is not just down to you, but him as well. He doesn't want another child, so is dissolving himself of all responsibility, and putting that onto you. Your relationship is dead in the water, regardless of what decision you make about the pregnancy. Any man who can threaten to leave his partner and 1 year old child, is not a good person. Is he going to threaten this every time, he can't have his own way? This is essentially what this is, he wants his own way, so he's using your fear of being on your own looking after 3 children, as a weapon to 'beat' (metaphorically) you into submission. Your partner may not want the responsibility of another child, but if you continue with the pregnancy, he will have the financial one, even if he decides he doesn't want a relationship with the child. Is he planning on walking away from his 1 year old, as well as this unborn child?! Or is he only going to have contact with the eldest of both children, ignoring the other because it's 'not wanted' by him???? No one on here can make the decision for you regarding the pregnancy, this has to be your decision. I would take your partner out of the equation completely - do YOU want the baby? If you do, then expect to do this on your own. Do you have family close by who can help? Can you afford to stay where you are, housing wise or would you need to move? Don't have an abortion to 'keep' your partner, only do this if YOU think it's the best option for YOU and your other children. Kick your partner to the curb, he's an asshole.

Your 100% right.
I know I will regret it everyday.
I look at him now and think like that, he’s disgusted me. I can’t look at him the same way in fact I can’t bare to even be in the same room.
no emotional feelings for what I am going through no are you okay how you feeling.
he’s acting like it’s nothing, that it’s a mistake that can be fixed by me AGAIN.
like I said it’s just having 2 so young that worries me but I’m strong and 10000 of women do it.
I’m starting to get nasty towards him now I even wouldn’t care if he went of missing again. Would make things so much better in the long run.
I hate men that think it’s the women’s problem not there’s.
what a caring man would say is. I’m not ready/want another baby but it’s your choose and I will stand by you what you decide. They have a right to not want one but to manipulate is not right.

something like a lightbulb went of in my head before.
I remember he’s always been manipulative not just in relationships but his addiction he’s always been like that to get his own way.
thats part of addiction and I fell for it not anymore he will now know what a strong women I am.
he can move on with his life be and do what he wants. But I will always have something he won’t and that’s morals and a weak man hates a strong women.

@Clairelh87 have you thought about the logistics of school runs and shopping? Do you have a car (you dont need one but it does make things easier especially if you dont have family help).
Do claim everything you are entitled to though (like UC), it will make things easier

I can afford the house we live in I pay the rent now.
I work and also get help from uc because of the children.
I don’t even want anything from him for the children. If he can walk away from his son because he hasn’t got his own way that just shows me even more of what a waste of space he is.
my only concern is I don’t want to struggle.
but I know I can join groups for support in the community as I’m definitely not the only single parent about.
my kids are for life

I do drive. But unfortunately I don’t have a car at the moment. But I’m saving for one. As I can only drive auto.
but hopefully I will have one soon. My mum said she will help me with that.
I claim everything I can and also my wage.
I don’t actually have to do school runs with my daughter only on a Friday because she goes to school near her dad’s and his partner takes the kids. So that helps.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re already a single mum, just one who happens to have a cocklodger cluttering up the place and making life harder. This has to be your choice, but none of your posts sound like you actually want an abortion, and I fear that makes it much more likely that you would deeply regret going ahead with one. I agree with the other posters that his ultimatum has already destroyed your relationship, but I don’t think he’s any great loss. I hope you can decide a path forward that feels right to you. Unmumsnetty hugs.

Sadly this is true.
I know it sounds like a bit of an obvious thing to say but he seems to have forgotten that having sex, even with contraception, can result in pregnancy.
He isn't the one who has to carry and birth a child, and he's not prepared to take any responsibility for it.

OP, I think you need to work out what works for you? It isn't imperative that a child has both parents in the picture, and his current behaviour isn't really representative of a good father.

Glad to see you've wrapped your head around this and know what you want. Thing is, he's actually right - you do want different things in life, and you're want better than he's willing or able to give so now it's your choice and you're owning it. This changes the dynamic a lot from him threatening to leave you if you don't do what he wants. It's healthier and stronger for you and your DC going forward.

Thank you so much.
yes I’m literally a single parent now.
I am the one that gets up in the night with my son I am the one that gets up every morning while he sleeps in.
if he’s not happy and he clearly isn’t I don’t know why he’s not left already. He’s had plenty of chances to even when I was pregnant with my son and he had met someone else only ever talked on the phone but why didn’t he just go of then and live the life he obviously wanted.
I don’t believe he’s staying for his son because he’s prepared to leave his son if I keep the baby.
I will regret the abortion it’s not something I want because I would not have left it till 11/12 weeks.
he’s an arsehole for giving me this option as he says so late on.
I think well I know even if I was 18 weeks as he says he would still have me having an abortion.
so why the hell doesn’t he just leave himself and make the life he really wants and be happy because I can tell you know no women will put up with him. Well maybe at the beginning or a young immature girl.
you can probably tell how much I’m starting to hate him now.
I haven’t even messaged him since he’s been out and I normally do I literally do not care.

He hasn't left because he got something from staying. Sex. Support. Your money. A son. But he figures two babies means less sex, support, money, holidays and so he will leave eventually for greener pastures. He didn’t leave before because on balance he had s better deal with you than the other woman. But the new pregnancy has changed the equation.