Being made to choose relationship/abortion

[Clairelh87]

Hi, I’ve never ever wrote in chats like this before.
I would really like some advice from maybe people that have been in/going through this situation.
back story.
I have a nearly 7 year old from a previous relationship and a just turned 1 year old with my boyfriend.
i found out I was pregnant and currently I am 11 weeks pregnant.
when I first told my boyfriend he wasn’t happy but all he would say was “I don’t want another baby” but when we where on holiday (where I found out) when he had a drink he was like “are we doing this then”
anyway when we got back from holiday and on my sons first birthday after my son went to bed he said “what are we doing then” I said we will be okay he said he doesn’t want the baby and if I chose to keep the baby he will leave me because he doesn’t want another baby.
I said to him why did you say them things to me on holiday and he said sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I had, had a drink.
I feel like I can’t split my family up and leave my son without his dad.
but I am torn I feel like I can’t get an abortion either I went for the first appointment to see how far I was yesterday and they said 11 weeks and you are not meant to see the scan but I could because she had glasses on.
she also made a comment about it moving around.
now they can’t give me a surgical abortion because I will be over there amount of weeks they will do it, so I have been referred back to bpas.
I have done nothing but cry when I am on my own.
I can’t talk to boyfriend because he said he has no attachment to it because it’s unwanted and I will be fine.
he’s not supportive at all.
I feel so low it’s hurting me.
I don’t think I can go through with the abortion but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what would be peoples thoughts on this??
please I would appreciate advice.
thank you very much xx
I have put this on another thread too.

I haven’t told my mum yet.
even tho she can’t help physically she will be there emotionally.
his mum has said that she will support me regardless and even come to my appointments.
his nans don’t think it’s a good idea and have said this will split us up.
tbh im sick of everything thinking about his needs and wants.
maybe im finding it hard to walk away myself.
after everything he has done people would have ran away for good by now. I’m constantly picking up the bits of his mistakes and it’s never about me it’s always about him.
I’ve had to except there will never be hugs and kisses.
and it’s just as much my fault as his why I am pregnant we literally get close if I am lucky 1 day a month.
when he was on the way to a relapse before my son was born I caught him messaging sending pics of each other to another girl. He goes missing when he relapsed etc.
he’s never of his phone I will be honest I can’t trust him. But that’s another story.

one thing this has taught me is if I can get through the first 12 weeks of pregnancy feeling like shit and not sleeping much because my son is up and down all night I can cope with a baby and my son because I’m not sleeping much anyway.

so it will be the same but without feeling being sick all the time.
I am back at work I have a good job so that won’t be an issue I work from home anyway.
I just don’t think I can have an abortion I really don’t

This feels like psychological abuse. So he’ll have contact with baby he is trying to emotionally blackmail you into aborting, but after he leaves you, because you had the baby.

Okay. I think you do want different things. Presumably you want him not to be a selfish fucking weasel.

Have you people to help and support you right now?

how could a man walk away from his family and a child he already has because there could possibly be another one. He has a right to be annoyed but he should support me regardless.

will he really want to leave his home and go back to his nans in his small bedroom and just see his son whenever. It doesn’t make sense.

what hurts tho he said a few times weeks ago so we are doing this then. If you think we can cope. He said he shouldn’t have said that.

he’s not going to look good to his friends really is he.

Honestly, stop torturing yourself like this. You’re hoping against hope for a turnaround that isn’t coming. All the “But how could he do that, why would he want to do that?” - it’s just going to churn you up inside. Deal with the facts of the situation - the fact that he doesn’t want the baby, isn’t suddenly going to change his mind and doesn’t care about being in a box room, what his friends will think etc..

Accept how things are and make your decision on that basis. You’ve already said you don’t trust him not to leave anyway if you do have the abortion, so I would eliminate that as a factor in your decision. What do you want? And by that I mean what do you want to do based on your current reality - not one where he suddenly “sees the light”.

Bin him, the relationship is over already. No man should give you a ultimatum like that. You will do just fine without him.

What do I want……… him to actually treat me like he should. Show some sort of emotion.
but put that aside…… what do I really want?
I honestly don’t know.
before the appointment yesterday I honestly thought having the abortion was the best thing to do.
but being able to see the baby and her comment about moving around really pulled my headstrong.
I cried yesterday on the phone to bpas because from the bottom of my heart I honestly don’t think I can have an abortion. But I am full of guilt for my son. He’s only 1 & I love him so much he’s my little baby.
im so full of guilt because I know the time spent with him won’t be the same.
if I didn’t have my son I would 100% have the baby no doubt at all.
that’s why I am so confused.
also I’m so upset and angry how my boyfriend can treat me this way.
yesterday his comments after the scab shugging his shoulders and me saying if I have to wait weeks I can’t do it he said why it’s not wanted it just needs to be done. I said don’t you care he said no it’s absolutely disgusting. He’s never hugged and said how do you feel he’s so cold hearted. He has no feeling emotions

I had 17 months between my two. It's hard, but it's manageable! My eldeat didn't sleep through the night at 17 months (awake every couple of hours) or walk until 17 months.

I had a double buggy (didn't drive), and made sure that the changing stuff etc was all accessible. Made use of a playpen/travel cot so I could manage them safely.

I went to toddler groups to get out of the house, and made sure we went out for a walk whatever the weather.

I was an army wife, so was used to be on my own and have been a dingle parent since they were 3 & 5.

If you're working, you can get Universal Credit for childcare support.

If you don't want to terminate, don't. But do get rid of the man. He's not helping, he's being selfish and all about himself.

His addiction is his issue. SMART recovery for family and friends have a group (online or in person) and excellent workbook with info about looking after yourself/setting good boundaries etc.

What do I want……… him to actually treat me like he should. Show some sort of emotion.

In reality. What do you want to happen based on the situation as it is?

If you were reading someone else’s post like this I’m pretty sure you’d feel sad for them and hope that they get away from this guy. Give yourself some compassion lovely, the best gift you can ever give your kids is to look after yourself and show them how to be treated and what not to accept

Hes trying to manipulate you op

Why would you want a man like that?

Hes shown his true colours

He’s definitely shown his true colours.
the non affection isn’t a new thing he’s always been like that. I excepted that.
I know I’ve put up with more than most would. But I love him.
I keep thinking if I have this termination I’m going to get rid of him live my life with my kids and make a better life for me and my son without him.
but then I think if I keep the baby will I still be able to do that. How much will I struggle on my own with 2 under 2 but then I think well I do it now and my sons back to not sleeping.
im up in the night and down stairs at 5am.

he stays in bed till anywhere between 8/9 if I am lucky he gets up at half 7.
he destroyed my pregnancy with my son because of his addiction and then left me 2 weeks before I gave birth and that’s when I found out he was talking to another women.
he cane back when I gave birth.
I should not have took him back then but I was all over the place.
he’s constantly on his phone. Facebook/twitter/TikTok.
so I struggle to trust him.
he never wants to be close to me. I get a quick kiss when he goes out. He never says I love you unless I say it first. Even tho he will say he always loves me.
I’ve trued to say my concerns to him because I have a feeling what ever I do he will leave anyway and he responds with how many times do I have to tell you I won’t be going. But I just don’t trust him.

but I think this all comes down to guilt with my son I know 10000% I would be keeping this baby if I didn’t have my son.
I’m just scared tbh

Sadly I think that once he had given this ultimatum, your relationship was going to be over anyway.
if you have an abortion because you feel he’s pushed you into it, you will always resent him.
And it doesn’t sound like he’s a brilliant dad or partner at the moment, or that he’s likely to turn this round for the long term.

I can understand your sadness and being scared and apprehensive for your future, your decision about your pregnancy is a very difficult one, but you need to do what’s right for you and not be manipulated by someone who is unlikely to be there for you long term, even if you do make the decision to terminate.

I’m afraid the choice may be between single parenting 2 or 3 children, unless you can forgive this man for manipulating you into terminating a pregnancy you want.

Fuck me, he sounds like a complete waste of space and as much use as a chocolate teapot to you!
It sounds as if you’d regret having an abortion. Having two under two will no doubt be really hard but you’d manage and it wouldn’t stay that hard forever.
Whatever you decide, I’d be kicking the useless oaf out right now. You’d be better off without him.

I think your relationship is over whatever happens. How would you feel if you had the abortion and he left anyway a few months after? If the answer is heartbroken about the baby then I think you need to go ahead with the pregnancy and make plans for being a single mum.

Your 'partner' is an unreliable, selfish, untrustworthy drug addict and your relationship is doomed to failure whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy. That's the reality you have to face so you don't need to consider his opinion at all.

It sounds like you can't bear the thought of aborting this new baby so why not go ahead with the pregnancy but dump the partner. He'll just drag you down, mess you about, use you when he needs you but give nothing back in return.

Put yourself first now. 💐

Thank you.
I have just spoke to the counselling service with bpas.
it’s got to be about what I want.
I have to stop being negative.
also I need to face the facts that I’m possibly well I will end up single with my son, and also the baby if I decide to keep it.
ask myself will I cope.
I know I will cope deep inside but it’s like do I want to just get by and cope.
I know I will regret having the abortion.

I know I could sit here and think he might change his mind but I can’t think like that.
a man that truly loves you would not make you choose they can be unhappy with what you decide to do but they wouldn’t do and say that.
I say to myself I am doing everything in the house now and caring for my son so what actually is the difference to being on my own.
I think it’s guilt about my son not being the baby anymore and but that would be me feeling like that.
I truly believe I can’t have this abortion.
I will regret it.
I just need to face the facts regardless of what I do I will end up on my own but I will have my children.

I’m sure you could cope. I personally find it easier with a 2 year old and new born than I did being pregnant in the early stages and having a toddler. I also think you’re under estimating how much energy you might be wasting at the moment on a man who takes more than he gives and therefore how much energy you might gain from going it alone.

Tell him to move out. Put you and your children first. Your self esteem must be on the floor because of him. You can’t save him from his addiction issues but you can save you and your children. Be your own life raft, you will be better off without him. Don’t feel sorry for your one year old- it will be worse for him seeing his dad in and out and of addiction for years and your daughter and other children will wonder when they grow up why you didn’t put them first. This message is harsh I know but you need to hear it as you appear to be in denial.

I actually love this.
after speaking to the lady this morning. I think I need to think of life on my own.
I think it’s just nerves about having 2 under 2.
I would regret the abortion if I had it I know I would. I’m 38 years old so I’m not that young anymore.
he’s proved he won’t change so many times.
he said he will he’s okay for months and it happens again and again.
I am left to pick up the peace’s.
I don’t think he wants to be with me anyway he doesn’t show it.
so the love of my kids is enough.
it won’t be me living with regrets.

Whether you keep the baby or not, I wouldn’t want him in my life anymore (obviously besides co-parenting) because he sounds like a selfish, manipulative, insensitive prick. Leave him regardless of your decision.

He sounds absolutely awful. You have to do what’s right for you about your pregnancy but for the love of god please get him out of your house and away from your children. He’s selfish, lazy, nasty and pathetic. You and your children deserve so very much better.

No your right.
I do need to hear it.
I like honesty

That’s what I keep saying I have done nearly the first 12 weeks with my son and being pregnant and felt like rubbish.
I am now feeling better and basically do it on my own.
it’s just guilt over my son but the love for him won’t change.
my kids are for life. He can get on with his life.
I suppose I’m used to sleepless nights now so it’s not going to make any difference

Sounds like you are clear about what you want @Clairelh87 . It's goodthat you work from home, even if you don't, you will be entitled to 30hrs free childcare when your maternity ends.
Are you entitled to any benefits when he moves out?