Being made to choose relationship/abortion

[Clairelh87]

Hi, I’ve never ever wrote in chats like this before.
I would really like some advice from maybe people that have been in/going through this situation.
back story.
I have a nearly 7 year old from a previous relationship and a just turned 1 year old with my boyfriend.
i found out I was pregnant and currently I am 11 weeks pregnant.
when I first told my boyfriend he wasn’t happy but all he would say was “I don’t want another baby” but when we where on holiday (where I found out) when he had a drink he was like “are we doing this then”
anyway when we got back from holiday and on my sons first birthday after my son went to bed he said “what are we doing then” I said we will be okay he said he doesn’t want the baby and if I chose to keep the baby he will leave me because he doesn’t want another baby.
I said to him why did you say them things to me on holiday and he said sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I had, had a drink.
I feel like I can’t split my family up and leave my son without his dad.
but I am torn I feel like I can’t get an abortion either I went for the first appointment to see how far I was yesterday and they said 11 weeks and you are not meant to see the scan but I could because she had glasses on.
she also made a comment about it moving around.
now they can’t give me a surgical abortion because I will be over there amount of weeks they will do it, so I have been referred back to bpas.
I have done nothing but cry when I am on my own.
I can’t talk to boyfriend because he said he has no attachment to it because it’s unwanted and I will be fine.
he’s not supportive at all.
I feel so low it’s hurting me.
I don’t think I can go through with the abortion but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what would be peoples thoughts on this??
please I would appreciate advice.
thank you very much xx
I have put this on another thread too.

@Clairelh87 OP - I’m really sorry for your situation it sounds really horrible. No one can (or at least shouldn’t) tell you what to do but here are my thoughts if I was in you position:

• do you want the baby? - ultimately this is what the question is? Do not have an abortion if you are unsure. Don’t let him pressure you either way. You decide (and I’m pro-choice) but no one but you should have the final say.
• is this relationship worth salvaging? In my opinion it’s not. He will be with you for as long as you do what he wants you to do. This is not a partner - he doesn’t want another baby so he’s pressuring you to have an abortion he’s manipulating you for you to do what he wants. If someone loves you - they will let you decide and stand by your side no matter what. And frankly if he can try to manipulate you with something as big/important/emotional as a baby he will do it with everything that suits him

It wouldn’t be sex because he only comes near me once a month 🙈 money it probably was at some point to feed his addiction but then he got a good job that he lost for being caught on his phone.
holidays probably not that because he can go away when he likes as he has a family place abroad.
it was probably my son.

Thank you so much for your reply.

• I don’t want to have an abortion I don’t think I can do it. The only doubts I have is how well will I cope with 2 under 2. If I didn’t have my son there would be absolutely no doubt about keeping the baby.
• I had the appointment today with bpas to talk and she said it sounds like I don’t want the abortion because I wouldn’t be having second thoughts.
• I just need to stop thinking about what other will think because that doesn’t matter.
• I don’t think we can save this relationship now. If he is prepared to leave his family and his son because he didn’t get what he wanted what sort of person does that make him.
• after listening to people today I’m confident I can handle having to tell him I am keeping the baby and when he walks that I think he will I don’t have to feel bad/sad because he’s manipulated me to get his own way.
• I can understand a man not being happy about another baby that is there right but not to make me choose between a baby and my family.
• he has a right to express his feelings. Every body does.
• I think it was how he said it. It’s your choose I’m not telling you what to do but I can’t stay with you if you keep it because that’s not what I want. Without a second thought about how I feel.
• it will be him that loses out more than me because I will have amazing children.
• he will probably somehow make me look like the bad one. But it takes 2 to make a baby.
• I just can’t live with the fact I’ve had an abortion at nearly 12 weeks well I will probably be further along by then

You clearly do not want to abort your baby, read all your replies on your thread - i have.
You would regret it.

He is not much of a partner, it will be no great loss if he leaves you, indeed you should be strong and get rid of him - I struggle to see how he enhances your life in any way...

and

of course you will cope with 2 under 2, you have already said you will get x hours in nursery from September - every little bit helps !

Focus on you, not him.

Literally the only thing I’m thinking by about is coping with 2 under 2 but I’ve now got a plan of when and what I am going to say to him.
I feel like I have already emotionally detached from him.
since he’s been in today I’ve wanted to get away. He struggles with my son as it is. I don’t need him. Every aspect of my life does not need him.
he brings nothing positive to my life and maybe this happening happened for a reason

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice today I really do appreciate it.
once I’ve told him what I plan to do everything else will fall into place and I’m happy for him to leave in some ways it saves me having to boot him out anyway.
I plan to tell him when I daughter is at her dads.
all I hope for is that I will be able to cope with 2 under 2 as a single parent.
but I’m looking at the positives. I will have my children, I will have my home to myself.
and for once not having to look after a grown up man/boy

Your baby is lucky to have you as a mum

He is not worth you making a sacrifice for to keep the relationship. He is just not a good enough partner for you. So I hope you can face up to him not being there, hopefully your choice, whatever you decide about the baby.

To do with practicalities of looking after two under 2 year olds, what support do you have? Family, friends? Can your GP or health visitor suggest other help for you? Are there local mother and baby or toddler groups that might have useful contacts that could offer support when both babies are very young? I pray for you that help and support comes your way when you need it. But don't settle for a poor relationship with someone who doesn't care enough.🌺

Good luck, I'm sure you'll feel so much better once he's gone. He's a dead weight in your life. As for what people think, please don't worry about it. Enjoy your pregnancy, and your children!
Let us know how it goes in Sunday all the best!