Being made to choose relationship/abortion

[Clairelh87]

Hi, I’ve never ever wrote in chats like this before.
I would really like some advice from maybe people that have been in/going through this situation.
back story.
I have a nearly 7 year old from a previous relationship and a just turned 1 year old with my boyfriend.
i found out I was pregnant and currently I am 11 weeks pregnant.
when I first told my boyfriend he wasn’t happy but all he would say was “I don’t want another baby” but when we where on holiday (where I found out) when he had a drink he was like “are we doing this then”
anyway when we got back from holiday and on my sons first birthday after my son went to bed he said “what are we doing then” I said we will be okay he said he doesn’t want the baby and if I chose to keep the baby he will leave me because he doesn’t want another baby.
I said to him why did you say them things to me on holiday and he said sorry I shouldn’t have said that when I had, had a drink.
I feel like I can’t split my family up and leave my son without his dad.
but I am torn I feel like I can’t get an abortion either I went for the first appointment to see how far I was yesterday and they said 11 weeks and you are not meant to see the scan but I could because she had glasses on.
she also made a comment about it moving around.
now they can’t give me a surgical abortion because I will be over there amount of weeks they will do it, so I have been referred back to bpas.
I have done nothing but cry when I am on my own.
I can’t talk to boyfriend because he said he has no attachment to it because it’s unwanted and I will be fine.
he’s not supportive at all.
I feel so low it’s hurting me.
I don’t think I can go through with the abortion but I am scared I won’t cope on my own with a newborn and will be 17/18 month old.
what would be peoples thoughts on this??
please I would appreciate advice.
thank you very much xx
I have put this on another thread too.

This.

You need to decide if you can hack being a single mum to 2 kids because your partner has already stated he doesnt want it and he will not help.
You need to be practical here, not hope that he will change his mind.
If you think you can cope, keep it. If you think you cant due to finances, no support etc then you know what to do. This is your life, noone else
will be living it for you or dealing with your struggles.
But decide quickly.

How does he treat your 7 year old?

It’s doable, many years ago I had the about or I leave thing, as it turned out I ended up with 4 under 5 it was hard in some ways but I sailed my own ship, I was in charge and I didn’t have to think about another adult just what was best for the kids, the kids are awesome and eldest is 26 this year!

i know I can do it on my own. But how hard is it actually going to be.
I know I need to end the relationship because he’s made it clear all these things I want like hugs kisses he isn’t that sort of person and I will never get that because that’s just not him.

he isn’t scared to work. He likes working and does have a new job to start but could be in a couple of months.

how could a man walk away from his family and a child he already has because there could possibly be another one. He has a right to be annoyed but he should support me regardless. Just like I have to him with all his issues. I never walked away when in reality I should have. It’s not all about him anymore

OP, this man is utterly unreliable. He’s an addict who has relapsed; he’s issuing threats and ultimatums, and even if you did bring yourself to get rid of this pregnancy, you’d resent him and your relationship would break down anyway. Do you have any family or friends who would help? What would his nan say about his ultimatum? As far as coping with two under two is concerned, I’m not going to pretend it’s a walk in the park, but you will manage! Clearly you don’t want an abortion, and no-one should be pressuring you to have one. From what you have said, it sounds as though he doesn’t want it, but you do. You will cope, and although at the time it feels like for ever, that first year is only a year! Good luck, OP, because whatever path you go down it seems you will be going it alone - but don’t let anyone force you into something as huge as having an abortion if it’s not what you want. You are the person who has to live with your decision.

He’s fine with my daughter I have shared care with her dad. So she’s not here all the time but he classes her as his step child.
unfortunately I don’t really have my parents for support as they are to old now. And disabled. So unable to help in the child care way.
his family help. Even if they carried on helping with my son.
I find the baby stage easy I’ve done that before. It’s having them both together I’m worried about

What other support do you have? Close family? Friends? Would you be eligible for benefits?

Can you afford your home on your own?

Yes of course he should pay you maintenance but I wouldn't put it past him to avoid paying in any way he could or just staying unemployed.

You also cannot let him look after the children, either now or if you split if you even slightly suspect he is in active addiction.

Tbh he doesn't sound like a keeper regardless of this latest pregnancy. If he relapsed once, he will likely do so again. I assume from your wording that it's drugs rather then alcohol. He shouldn't be unsupervised around children without frequent drug testing imo.

I'm sorry, OP, but he is a low-life scumbag. He is no man, putting you in this position. I agree with others: you have to take him out of the equation before you make any decision. You have to think about your children. You are the mother: you have a huge power over the lifes of your children, and with huge power comes huge responsibility. Make a choice you can live with.
And, regardless, I think he has shown you who (or what) he is.
I'm really sorry you are going through this: neither you nor your children deserve this. I wish you find the way 🙏💐

He really doesn’t sound like he can cope with the pressures of another baby so soon in the current circumstances and has been trying to express that in a clumsy way. He is temporarily unemployed so knows he can’t financially contribute, he is an addict who has had a temporary relapse (could end up having more as well).

Sorry to sound negative but there’s no way I’d go ahead with another pregnancy in this situation unless you have a LOT of close family support nearby to be of practical help when you have 2 under 2 as well as another pretty young child. I’d focus on being the best parent I could to the 2 very young DCs I already have, especially given that their dad is at best pretty unreliable at the moment and could well get worse (or choose to leave at any time).

Those children that are already here, living in stressful circumstances deserve at least one parent who can give them the care and attention they need and you should ask yourself if you could really continue to give them that if you had a third child. I say that as a mum of 3 and sorry but there’s no way I’d have gone ahead with the 3rd pregnancy in your circumstances as it wouldn’t have felt fair to the 2 little ones I already had. No, termination is never a pleasant prospect to consider but IMHO it is sometimes the best and kindest option if existing DCs will be negatively affected otherwise.

I know it’s not a popular view on MN, but I firmly believe in placing the needs of existing children first, even about the desires and feelings of a woman. They didn’t ask you to get pregnant again.

If it helps, the gap between my two is similar. The first year is hard but then as they start to interact more they can begin to entertain each other. My two are 5 and 7 now and it's been lovely for 3 years or so. They are chattering away with each other.

I'm not a single parent but for the first two years with them I was almost entirely looking after them solo. As DH was bed bound with long COVID. Be sure of the lockdowns I couldn't use family help either.

Individual personality of the child makes a difference. We had also had to be very strict with bed time and sleeping for our sanity. If you ds is sleeping well already then that makes things much easier.

Tbh even though my second was a harder baby, I found it waaaay easier.

I think you need to consider your other children, especially your 7 year old. How will he cope losing so much of your attention (2 babies close together is difficult) - even if the boyfriend stays! How much does he see his Dad?

How will all your children cope if boyfriend leaves? How will you cope? If you can't cope, this will have huge impact on your current children. Do you have family support from your parents or siblings?

This is going to be very, very challenging for the whole family and I think you need to think beyond your feelings. I am not sure the relationship will last considering what he's said, even if he sticks around for a while out of a guilty conscience. Can you bring up 3 children? Does he have money for maintenance?

In giving you an ultimatum your relationship's dead anyway. Either way it's shot.

As for the abortion weigh up the pros and cons of how you will manage on your own, both physically and financially.

He has regular drug testing I am classed as the protective factor in my son’s life.
he won’t be coming anywhere near me the kids the house vile he’s in active addiction I can assure you on that one.
things where going so well but the last 8/9 weeks he doesn’t even get up in the morning.

what makes me think I can do this is, even tho I’ve been having horrible morning sickness I’ve still got up every morning 5am sometimes before and in the night with my son because he’s decided he’s not sleeping all night again. I do all that on my own he stays in bed. I do everything myself.
so in someways it may be easier because I don’t sleep all night now.
im worried what my parents will say if im single again with children.

If you have the baby it will still be his child and he has acknowledged this. He has said he will be active in the lives of both dc so I am not sure what he would be getting out of leaving you.

2 kids with that gap is doable. It’s hard and you’ll be knackered but it can be done. Do what’s right for you - or maybe decide based on the least-worst option as neither choice is easy.
but do think about whether it’s in your best interests- or for the kids - to stay with your partner. He sounds like he’s a deadbeat, and will bring you all down with him

His words where it shows him we want different things in life.
I said so you won’t see the baby and just your son he said obviously I would have both not going to leave one behind.
I suppose that’s why I am confused.
will he really want to leave his home and go back to his nans in his small bedroom and just see his son whenever. It doesn’t make sense.
what hurts tho he said a few times weeks ago so we are doing this then. If you think we can cope. He said he shouldn’t have said that.
he’s also said he doesn’t want another baby.
as he said this doesn’t bother him coz he’s not emotionally attached

You are more likely to regret an abortion than regret getting rid of your partner.

I would not stay with someone pressuring me into an abortion, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. Imagine if you do have an abortion and then he left you in the future anyway, how would you feel? That you potentially had an abortion when you didn't want to. Obviously if you actually think it's the best option that's your choice to make. I think a lot of people worry about coping with multiple children. Do you have any family and friends around to support?

If you continue with the pregnancy and he does end the relationship then don't automatically put him on the birth certificate (as he would have more rights and options to manipulate you) but do claim for child support.

Good luck with it all!

I’d take his words out of the equation and look at the facts instead. He’s unemployed, a recovering addict who has had a recent relapse and is living in a household that already has 2 young children including a baby.

However clumsily he has expressed it, he has made clear he cannot cope and doesn’t want another baby in the current circumstances. It sounds sensible of him tbh. If he’s managing to be a reasonable parent to the other DCs at present it seems madness to add yet more stress and friction to the already stressful situation with another baby so soon.

Do you have a lot of hands-on help from family nearby to you who you could definitely rely on? That would be the deciding factor for me.

I think you need to get this man out of your children’s lives.

ultimately it’s his choice, he’s being honest that he doesn’t want another baby but deep in your heart I think you’ll know that this isn’t a solid relationship, someone who says that bringing their own child into the relationship would be a deal breaker speaks volumes about how committed he isn’t I think
seems the outcome will be that the relationship will fail regardless of whether you have this baby or not.
in terms of coping with two young ones, it will be tough for sure but inevitably I would say you’ll find a way. What’s your support network like? What do they say? X

He isn't even working you would be in the same position if he was around. He needs to go to work and stop watching you. Do you need this tool in your life?

The reason why he doesn't want the baby is because he's workshy. Children cost money and he doesn't have a job. He's a deadbeat man and father.

You seem to be looking at what’s ok for everyone else and not you!!
your deadbeat partner doesn’t want another child, that he made half of, so you’re thinking you should have an abortion.
your parents might judge you so you’re thinking of staying in a difficult relationship where all of the responsibility for everyone is on you and also have an abortion.
what feels right for you? It might be that you’re looking at the outside factors to help you make a decision to have an abortion because deep down you don’t want another baby but feel awful about that or it might be that you’re so concerned with everyone else’s opinions and wants that you haven’t even considered your own.
you’re doing all the stuff on your own already so you know you’ll cope, just please put some boundaries in place and look at what you want from the people in your life, being a doormat as a single mum is the thing that will make it most difficult for you I can assure you x