Upset at not giving DD a sister

[numberonepartyanthem]

I come from a family of women, sisters, sisterhood, and we love being a big girl gang. I myself have a twin sister. We all have husbands and so far no one has had a son,
I found out yesterday I am expecting a beautiful baby boy, I’m 16 weeks and me and DH (he was totally gender unbiased about the whole thing) are excited but … I’ve got some unhelpful feelings I’m trying to shake off. I’m happy to have a son, I never had a brother, nor did my husband so more males around is really cool and we are excited about it! Especially as my husband and his dad are close, I’m happy he can continue that.

I feel sad to not give my 2 year old daughter a sister, the guilt of her not having the emotional support that only women can provide to each other as she gets older really worries me. I don’t think I’d feel the same to not give a boy a brother.

I’m currently 33 and will still be when I’m due in September

I know how lucky I am, but I can’t help but feel sad that my little lady won’t have a sister like me and all the women in the family have that it’s making me want 3.
but it’s crazy talk, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum is such a lot for us women physically mentally and also wider picture financially, and this is madness,

any helpful thoughts please

If it wasn’t for the women no one would get a birthday celebration in this family, we’d not really see each other if it was left to the men,
they are wired differently we can try to pretend they aren’t and some men are really lovely but sadly it’s the general consensus that men are a bit rubbish at the more caring side of things

So raise your boy to be better. I have one of each. They're both still young but have grown up with the expectation that they choose birthday/Christmas presents for each other/their grandparents and friends. That they send cards. I personally don't see the point of mothers day but ds insists we do something and now at 10, takes the lead on organising and planning.

Dh is the youngest of 3. His two sisters are both closer to him than each other and have been since they were teens.

This is delusional at best. Sisters are automatically best friends. Your Disney outlook is miscolouring reality.

You should feel sorry not that you aren’t giving your daughter a sister but that your son won’t be her best friend and close because of his sex.

I think once you’ve had your son these feelings will go away. Even if you gave your daughter a sister it doesn’t mean they would necessarily get along later on

So raise your boy to be better. I have one of each. They're both still young but have grown up with the expectation that they choose birthday/Christmas presents for each other/their grandparents and friends.

My friend has a boy and a girl and is very much out of this mould. Last time I saw her, she was taking her son to the local garden centre to choose a birthday present for his sister. He didn’t want to go, but she is determined that he grows up with an understanding that these things a) matter a lot to some people, b) don’t just happen on their own and c) aren’t just a “women’s thing”.

Your DD might not even want to get married or have a hen-do! It sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions about your toddler DD’s future and it’s probably a good thing you’re not having a girl because the pressure and expectation from you that they will be best friends and fit your certain ridiculous gender norms would be too much, if you did have another daughter there’s nothing to say they would be close. You haven’t even met your son yet and already you’re assuming he will be uncaring and rubbish at birthdays etc, instead of projecting your outdated sexist ideas onto your children about what it means to be male/ female why not try and let your children be who they want to be irrespective of sex?

I have a 14 year old son and he’s so empathetic, kind and caring. I now have a six week old daughter too and I’m so glad she will have such a supportive, loving brother as she grows up and into adulthood.

It might be so different to what you’re envisaging. They will find their own bond and relationship.

Weird take. I have a brother, always been very close and he does more of the birthday gifts, family gatherings etc than I do.

I think you need to work through some of your negativity and stereotyping about boys and men before your son is born!

I always think this too. I have come from a big female orientated family and had a little boy and it’s been an absolute treat. He is treated like a prince and I love knowing he’s got strong female role models in life. But I’m always torn when we eventually try for baby number 2 because as much as I’d love to have a little girl, I would also really love to give him a little brother. i know it sounds daft but to me there’s always seemed something significant about same sex siblings, a boy having a brother or a sister having a sister. Maybe a bit of a closer bond.

I think your experience of womanhood and sisterhood is probably a little unique. Yes sisters often are quite close, but not always, and usually not to the extent you describe. Maybe it's a twin thing as you're likely going through the same stages of life together? But I would say this isn't replicated for the majority of sister relationships. So what I mean by this is, even if your daughter had a sister who's to say she would share your experience?

I adore my sister and love spending time with her. But we're very different, she's a few years younger and we are at very different stages of life. I draw support from friends more than her, purely because they're sharing similar experiences to me through pregnancy, parenthood, marriages etc. I also have a brother and we have a wonderful relationship too.

The only advice I would give is don't project your feelings onto your daughter. Her relationship with her brother will be what it will be, in all likelihood a beautiful and close relationship like most siblings. I hope once your son is here you'll forget about this and feel more at ease.

My son and daughter are desperately close - he used to follow her around like a lost puppy when they were younger and even though they irritate the hell out of each other as teens from time to time, they love each other to bits. I have two sisters, though, and yes we love each other but we’re not really close especially as we’re all buy with our own children.

Your DD won’t have missed out - you just encourage them to have shared experiences. Both mine learned to ices skate, for example. One when into figure the other into hockey for a bit before giving up for exams, but they happily go together. They both did tennis, went to scouts/beavers, love gaming, and will invite the other when going with friends to the cinema (DD joined at the Minecraft movie recently for example). You can’t engineer a relationship, obviously, but you can foster enough natural connections through shared interests, same schools etc. A girl can only benefit by having a doting brother, but she may spend years bickering and fighting with a sister.

Oh OP I am sorry you feel like this.

I get on much better with my brothers than my sister who is selfish and entitled.

I have one of each and feel truly blessed. I don't think either has missed out on not having a same sexed sibling.

Isn’t this just a situational NAMALT?

Your DD could end up very close to her female cousins if you are so close to your sisters.

Also you could have had 2 girls that can’t stand each other & it could have thrown your whole family dynamic off. Chances are your DD & DS at worse would be indifferent towards each other, at best could be extremely close. It’s rare for a brother and sister to be absolutely at each other throats the way 2 girls can be, especially as teens!

Oh & also to add I have a little DS in a very female dominant family and he is worshiped like a tiny king. I adore having a little boy. He’s such a wee treat.

do you have nieces? Female cousins can be as good as sisters IME if families are close.

Also is your twin an identical twin? If she has a girl then genetically it’s your DDs half-sister 😁 so potentially an even stronger cousin bond.

i don’t have a sister but I now have great sister In laws who I’m close to ! I get it tho. I have boys and I feel glad they have brothers as I feel same gender siblings tend to be closer

Her cousins, presumably? The close female friendships she forms outside of her family? Why does your DD need a sister to plan her hen do but your DS won’t need a brother to plan his stag? Every argument you give can be given both ways. If your DD should be enough of a sibling to your DS then your DS should be enough of a sibling to your DD.

You’re saying he isn’t “enough” because he isn’t a girl, but she is “enough” because she is kind, sensitive, fun and playful. Will your DS not be any of those things..?

Gosh same! My family is 90% female. I’m one of 3 girls, mum one of 4 girls, out of their kids there’s 2 boys and 8 girls. I have a girl, my sister has a girl, my other sister has a girl on the way. My poor nephew and son are well and truly outnumbered! It’s lovely to have my little boy, and equally lovely to have my little girl.

It's lovely that you had such a lovely childhood and want to recreate that for DD, that's completely natural.

However, I think we all are guilty of assuming the things we loved about our childhoods were what made them good and not acknowledging the underlying love and security and small things that really gave us the grounding to find things good in the first place.

I know one person who is actively making herself miserable by trying to recreate her childhood and she did get the genders and gaps she wanted. She hasn't yet learned and embraced that it was her parents letting them grow into that dynamic and choose their own paths that made her happy, not swimming three times a week and having a brother 4.5yrs older, for example.

Embrace this new thing, it will be your DDs normal and wonderful for you as a family

My mum (also with no male family members) was initially horrified when I had a boy, she was all 'I don't know how to do little boys', 'aren't little boys monsters'?
She ended up absolutely adoring him.

My SILs were both open about feeling terribly sorry for me when I was carrying DS, whom we knew would be our only child. I genuinely had no preferences, and was completely bemused, saying ‘But I’m perfectly happy to be having a boy!” To which they would say, patting my hand, ‘You’re being very brave’. It was only at that point it became clear to me (they’re both much older) that they’d kept on having babies through multiple boys in both cases to ‘get their girl’. One of them nearly died during her first birth and had been advised not to have more children, but it was inconceivable to her not to have a daughter.

And, bluntly, the effect on their daughters has been disastrous. One is still living a rather stifled life at home in her late 20s as her mother’s virtual clone and bestie, and the other is a nerdy, band tshirt-wearing scientist whose lack of interest in her appearance and clothes has been a terrible disappointment to her mother. Ironically, the boys neither of them wanted have turned out far better, because there were fewer expectations placed on them.

I have a girl and a boy, and being totally honest, I sometimes feel like they’re missing out on that same-sex deeper bond that you seem to get (fully recognise not always the case) from all girl or all boy siblings. I only had sisters and there is something about the shared experience of growing up together that has a strength that would be hard to replicate with a boy. My DD said the other day that she wished that DS would play Barbies with her, which did make me twinge as my sisters and I played with ours obsessively together for years! Likewise, my DD isn’t interested in playing trains for hours with DS.
They do play more generally really well with each other though, huge, imaginative games involving dolls and monster trucks and everything in between, so it’s not everything at all.
But, ultimately and obviously, being the same gender is not the biggest part of the way that the relationship forms, they don’t exist to be the other’s plaything and can still have an amazing relationship regardless.

I have both a brother and a sister. I love my sister of course but we have very different communication styles and she is not a very emotionally open person. My brother is so much easier to talk to, I could talk to him about anything and we are very close as adults. I think you are maybe putting too much weight on gender rather than personality! Xx

@Hannahthepink that's personality, not sex.

My sister loved barbies and dolls. I hated them (still do, creep me out, DD loves them sadly) but loved tractors and trains and stuff. It's nothing to do with a "deeper same sex sibling bond".