Upset at not giving DD a sister

[numberonepartyanthem]

I come from a family of women, sisters, sisterhood, and we love being a big girl gang. I myself have a twin sister. We all have husbands and so far no one has had a son,
I found out yesterday I am expecting a beautiful baby boy, I’m 16 weeks and me and DH (he was totally gender unbiased about the whole thing) are excited but … I’ve got some unhelpful feelings I’m trying to shake off. I’m happy to have a son, I never had a brother, nor did my husband so more males around is really cool and we are excited about it! Especially as my husband and his dad are close, I’m happy he can continue that.

I feel sad to not give my 2 year old daughter a sister, the guilt of her not having the emotional support that only women can provide to each other as she gets older really worries me. I don’t think I’d feel the same to not give a boy a brother.

I’m currently 33 and will still be when I’m due in September

I know how lucky I am, but I can’t help but feel sad that my little lady won’t have a sister like me and all the women in the family have that it’s making me want 3.
but it’s crazy talk, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum is such a lot for us women physically mentally and also wider picture financially, and this is madness,

any helpful thoughts please

This sounds very judgy, and honestly no, as I know my boy will have everything he could want in a sibling from the daughter I have as she’s so sensitive kind fun clever playful etc
I just worry for who will plan my daughters hen do haha, who will be her maid of honor, female friendships just aren’t up to scratch are they sometimes and people get let down,

I don’t understand why you have decided only women can provide emotional support?

Would you consider having a fourth child if the third is another boy? Or a fifth?
i don’t think it matters much at all and it’s nice to have the first boy in the family, how exciting! I would
love that . Your girl has lots of girl cousins and aunties by the sounds of it, so I wouldn’t worry about her missing out on a sister

Thank you this sounds really true that it’s one shot at life, got to make the best of it and hope for the best, it’s so true and I do know this deep down

DD only wanted a brother and fortunately that’s what we gave her. Even in middle age, and in relationships, they are still very close and talk almost daily. I am one of three sisters and we are anything but close. There is no guarantee that any two siblings will be best friends. Bring them up to respect each other and encourage them to be friends.

This is an odd thing to worry about. She might not even get married.

I don't have any sisters but I have a number of very close female friends who organised a fab hen do for me.

I know a lot of women who have very fraught relationships with their sisters.

I was feeling sensitive to your upset when I first read it but this is a load of nonsense OP.

I feel sad to not give my 2 year old daughter a sister, the guilt of her not having the emotional support that only women can provide to each other as she gets older really worries me.

I have two DDs who get on really well and are very supportive of each other, so I completely get where you are coming from. Watching them has often made me wish that I had been lucky enough to have the same. BUT - this is by no means guaranteed by having another girl. My friend had two DDs who do not get on at all. They basically won’t walk down the street together and any holiday is a nightmare and spoilt by their bickering. My MIL loathed her sister and, even as an elderly lady, talks about how horrible she was to her and is clearly still scarred by that experience! Equally, as a pp had said, your DD and your son may get on brilliantly and be a great support to each other as adults. So I would try not to dwell on the “what ifs” here and focus positively on the reality.

Well there is no guarantee that if you have another girl that the two of them will get on the way you have with yours. Some sisters hate each other and others just don't really get on and don't have close relationships into adulthood. Whereas there are plenty of brother and sister relationships that work well and they are close into adulthood. Me and my older brother included.

She may have cousins that she gets on with like a sister and later in life, as I do, a sister in law that she adores.

So you need to give yourself a reality check and try and let this niggle go.

We all dream of the ideal.

In my future, my adult children come home and greet me with warmth and affection and the love between us is palpable. Both children turn to me in times of trouble and I respond to them with kindly wisdom. Their partners and I have warm, mutually respectful relationships.

The reality … well, it could be like the above. I hope so. Or it could be chilly, distant, resentful, angry, I hope not but hard to say. But we do all have ideals. No one has two children expecting them to hate each other but it does happen.

then actively stop giving it headroom.

My mum and her sister are very close, absolutely best friends, unconditional.

My sister and I are not. We are very different, she had a lot of extra needs when she was younger and a lot of those were put on me. There was a lot of "you must look after your sister". We are chalk and cheese in many, many ways and if we weren't related we would never be friends.

There's nothing wrong with her as a person, I love her because she's my sister, but we don't really talk much outside of the family get togethers. I tried when we both moved out, but she is so used to everyone just checking on her she never thinks to check in on anyone of her own accord and it became very one sided.

Long story short, having a sister doesn't automatically mean you have a BFF. Don't worry about it.

Ahhh OP it's easy to get upset thinking of the future while you're pregnant. I remember sobbing over some ridiculous imagined scenarios.
I've got a brilliant sister who's 2 years older BUT we are incredibly different & there's no way she would've wanted to be a matron of honour or organise a hen night!
We get on well now because we respect each other's differences but growing up we used to really argue & sharing a room wasn't always fun. I was closer to my brother (who's a fair bit younger) growing up.
It is just a niggle, it'll all be fine.

My sister was my MOH (parents insisted) and didn't even think about planning my hen do. It got to a month before the weekend and when I asked everyone said they thought I'd have just done it myself.

Hers, however, I had to plan because when I suggested she do it like I had to, everyone kicked off at me.

Sisters can also let you down.

I just worry for who will plan my daughters hen do haha, who will be her maid of honor

I never had a hen do or a maid of honour and got married abroad with no family there. I have a sister and 3 brothers. Am closer to my sister than my brothers but she's not that involved in my day to day life.

Don't worry, my brother is among my favourite people in the world, we talk every day, help each other with childcare and lend a hand wherever we can. Being opposite sexes doesn't exclude your children from forming a close and lasting bond.

You’re being utterly ridiculous. I have a sister very close in age and we’re chalk and cheese and don’t have a close relationship at all. I get on a lot better with my brother as we’re similar personalities. It’s all about personalities and nothing at all to do with gender.

OP, I felt exactly as you do. I had two boys then a little girl, and we knew we were done at three, but I was sad for years (maybe wistful is a better word than sad) that she would never have a sister. I have three sisters and I can't imagine life without that love and support.

When DD was 15, I had the convo with her, lightly, just saying I used to be sad you won't have a sister, and she looked at me in complete incomprehension. She said, why would I want a sister, all my friends who have sisters bicker with them, and I adore my brothers (they are both very fond of her) and she told me she felt sorry for me that I never had a brother because I can never know what that's like. (I have never once longed for a brother, I thought boys looked awful when I was young lol.)

I spent 15 years feeling vaguely sad, and she couldn't give a monkey's and never wanted a sister anyway. Your DD will love her brother and be close to him in a different way that maybe those of us who don't have brothers can't understand 💜

I get that you’ve very close relationships with the women in your life but for goodness sake, you need to pull yourself together a bit. This is such a silly thing to say; ‘the emotional support that only women can provide to each other’. Of course sisters with a good relationship are able to provide decent emotional support but you must be aware that not every relationship is like that, and also that men aren’t all completely pointless? I have a couple of sisters and a few brothers. I’m close with them all, to varying degrees, but it was my elder brother who I went to first to share that I was pregnant, both times, it was my younger brother who’s shoulder I cried on when I split with a significant ex way back when, some of the very best nights out on the town back in the day were spent with another brother. My sisters, on the other hand, difficult characters who half arsed planning my hen, neither of whom were my maid of honour and both got threatened with being dropped as bridesmaids altogether in the run up to my wedding as they were such complete prats.
Give your poor son a chance. Sons are so fantastically wonderful.

Gender disappointment is so normal, so please don't feel bad about it! I think what matters is encouraging the sibling bond. Regardless of gender they can be a close support network when they're older, if the foundations are right.

I have sisters, and wouldn't consider myself overly close to them. In fact I would say they spectacularly let me down over the years, to the point I no longer ask them for help or imagine it'll be provided.They planned a family holiday and invited my mum the week I was due my baby, after a very rough pregnancy, even when I asked them not too. In fact I'm winding myself up writing this post. 😂

Whereas my friends with brothers as well as so close to them, and to each others kids.

Double post somehow!

That "only women can provide"?! What?!

Honestly....how about hoping for something important like your children all being healthy 🙄

Have you given any thought to the second child you chose to have? I don't see having a another child is only you provide your first born a toy to play with

Who is to say if you had a girl they would get on anyway?

I get it, you have relationships you love and you want to recreate that dynamic for your dd. Same as people who are really close to their grandparents trying to recreate that with their own parents and dc. But your dd can be really close to your ds. Instead of seeing it as dds being close see it as your family is great at encouraging a good sibling bond. It will be great for your ds to have strong healthy relationships with women too.