Upset at not giving DD a sister

[numberonepartyanthem]

I come from a family of women, sisters, sisterhood, and we love being a big girl gang. I myself have a twin sister. We all have husbands and so far no one has had a son,
I found out yesterday I am expecting a beautiful baby boy, I’m 16 weeks and me and DH (he was totally gender unbiased about the whole thing) are excited but … I’ve got some unhelpful feelings I’m trying to shake off. I’m happy to have a son, I never had a brother, nor did my husband so more males around is really cool and we are excited about it! Especially as my husband and his dad are close, I’m happy he can continue that.

I feel sad to not give my 2 year old daughter a sister, the guilt of her not having the emotional support that only women can provide to each other as she gets older really worries me. I don’t think I’d feel the same to not give a boy a brother.

I’m currently 33 and will still be when I’m due in September

I know how lucky I am, but I can’t help but feel sad that my little lady won’t have a sister like me and all the women in the family have that it’s making me want 3.
but it’s crazy talk, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum is such a lot for us women physically mentally and also wider picture financially, and this is madness,

any helpful thoughts please

I do have female friends but they are nothing compared to my sister, and the women in my family.

And you’re terribly sexist, as always tends to be the case in people feeling their world has fallen apart if they are having a son. Have higher standards for the men in your life. Bring your son up as a caring, emotionally intelligent human being. And if you want parties, you organise them!

Look OP I do know where you’re coming from. I privately hoped DC2 would be a second girl but I have my lovely son. Honestly now he’s here the thought of him being some fictional girl is almost hilarious. He and DD are very close, DD even asked if I was pregnant the other day (bloated) and when I said no she said she was pleased as she likes it just her and DS. I assumed a boy would be really different to DD but they are like twins - they look the same, they have almost exactly the same personality. Our family feels perfect and yours will too. I have 2 sisters and while we were close growing up, life has taken us in other directions and once we reached our late 20s things got very bitchy and the rows/jealousy has been awful.

Respectfully, that’s a you problem.

I never had a sister, nor female cousins. My daughter was rhe first girl born into thr family since I was born almost 40 years ago. She's not going to have any sisters either, and her only female cousin lives hundreds of miles away.

She will be fine

My brother is an emotional support to me. Whenever I’ve had a friend with a sister they’ve always moaned about them and seemed to be in competition with them, which makes me uncomfortable as I’d never be like that about my brother.

Hang on, how many ‘crap men’ or just ‘men in general’ threads do we have on here? Why do we even need a feminism board if men are so much like women? I feel like because this is a ‘gender disappointment’ thread (which everyone hates), posters are suddenly pretending there’s no difference between men and women when there plainly is. Proved by the fact here we are seeking chat on a predominantly female website rather than Reddit or something.

Yes, men and women are different, broadly speaking. But that doesn’t mean your family won’t be close or wonderful, things will work out exactly as they’re supposed to. But let’s not say ‘men are so awful’ on other threads then play faux naive when women are worried about having sons.

I have two boys and a girl. My daughter has a great relationship with her brothers. My eldest son (10) is more of a caregiver as he is 7yrs old than his sister. My 7yr old son has really been the entertainment/playmate for my daughter but also looks after her well.

I know their relationship will change as the boys become teenagers and she becomes their annoying little sister but as they have such great bonds now I’m confident they will still have that as they grow up.

Brothers and sisters still have great relationships so I don’t think you need to worry too much. Sounds like she will have plenty of females in her life to have any ‘girl’ talks with in the future.

Enjoy your pregnancy and I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised in the future.

You have a very negative view of men. In my house - and in the houses of my BILs - the men do at least 50/50 of everything. My DH arranges most of the life admin, dentists, doctors, presents, birthday stuff. DH is also a caring, nurturing type and I'm practical and pragmatic.

I have a girl and a boy and we left them alone for the first time a couple of weeks ago (they're nearly 18 and nearly 14 respectively). They went out for the day, browsed book shops, went to the cinema, baked, did the housework, went on a couple of long walks. They adore each other and are emotionally supportive, close friends.

I have a similar relationship with my brother. We speak most days, holiday together every year and miss each other if we go longer than a week without seeing each other.

Female relationships can be fantastic and your DD will have loads of them. Let her have a brilliant relationship with a brother without letting her know you think boys are useless at being caring.

Agree. I have an averagely close relationship with 1 sister; and the other we have virtually nothing in common. My friends know the real me much more than my family does. I have treasured female friendships I’ve had since I was 11.

This is so sweet to read. ❤️ I love how happy
you are for her as well.

I don't think there's anything wrong in feeling this way: you had strong female bonds in your family and you'd envisaged the same for your daughter. That's natural.

I'd say it's a question of reframing your image to fit the new circumstances. Brothers and sisters can have an incredible bond too, and there's always female friends if the siblings don't have that relationship (which is very possible regardless of gender).

You're not being unreasonable for wanting your daughter to have what you had, but just know she isn't being deprived just from happening not to have a sister as she can have great relationships either way.

If men were so crap women wouldn't be that desperate to move from one to the next psy heaps for online dating and putting all their energy into bagging and keeping one and spending what seems like endless time talking about them

How desperate women are for men if they are so terrible

When my mum was pregnant with my sister she desperately wanted a girl to give me the gift of a sister. My mum was raised by a single mum and has three sisters she's really close to, and it's all she wanted for me. Well, things didn't work out that way. My sister and I have never gotten along, not as children and not as adults. We only see each other at Christmas and hardly speak. I'd turn to a stranger for help before asking her. In truth, we are a burden to each other.

All of this to say that you can't plan your children's future down to these details, and you can't use your own life and childhood as a blueprint for theirs. All you can do is embrace the family that you have and lean it to everything that makes it wonderful.

And anyway who knows, perhaps one day when she's all grown up with a family of her own, your daughter will be desperate for her second to be a boy so that she can give her daughter the beautiful gift of a loving brother, just like her own brother...

Which suggests that all the women on here who have sisters in real life aren't getting 100% of the female support and connection they need from their sisters.

They are different - I have noticed when DD gets emotional (she is 16 and going through her GCSEs) I want to fix, to sort to know what the problem is.
Do you know what her 12 year old brother does - hugs her tells her joke and then (in a jokey way to leave him alone now he is playing x box/ watching football etc) and that is exactly the emotional support she wants sometimes just a hug and making her laugh (which he is amazing at)

Yes for Mother’s Day she did a lot of the sorting but she was more than happy with that and indeed loves organising things - she has her skill set he has his.

I know she wouldn’t change having her brother for the world.

My kids (boy and a girl) are really close to each other. My brother and I are much closer than my wife and her sister. It’s about the personalities not the sex of the people.

Hi OP, I agree with you and with this poster. I have 3 amazing sisters and I cannot imagine life without them. My mum was extremely lose to her sisters and told us girls were better than boys (I think to overcompensate for having 4 daughters in a patriarchal society). So when I had DD, I hoped we would have a second DD. We didn’t, I had 2 DS’s - I was fine with DS1, but with DS2 I became so sad, so irrationally sad, for the second DD I would never have.

i can tell you that it goes - but it did not go for a long time. I always adored my DS, but I also wished for a DD ( as in, I wished for a 4th child who was a DD🙄).

My DD is now 21; she adores and is adored by her brothers. She also has amazing friends and her girl cousins - all of my sisters only have one DD and 2 DS’s!!! You will find that your DD will make better girl friends because she has no sisters - she will find girls who also don’t have sisters and they will be her gang. And she will have a better relationship with men because of her brother, and he will have a better understanding of women because of her.

Feel free to DM me if you need to chat; it is normal to feel like this when you have come from a close matriarchal family. Good luck with your pregnancy and with your precious new baby

My brother and I are very close, despite a 6 year age gap. He has even moved near me recently and we see each other weekly. Also, I know plenty of women who don’t speak to their sisters at all, so don’t assume that having another child - who may be a boy too! - means she will have the relationship you and your sister have.

But gently OP, this is all a bit irrational. You have no idea if they will be close, male or female. Having 3 kids is very different to having 2 and a huge decision to make on the basis of this slightly irrational niggle that you feel.

My OH and his older sister, theyre 2 and a half years apart.
Growing up they used to fight and argue (as you do as brother and sister) theyre now 34 and 36, and honestly they have the best relationship siblings can ever have, they chat about absolutely everything, life problems, medical problems, relationship problems.

I grew up with 2 older brothers being the baby, i was always on my own.
Im now 28, my middle brother is 33 and my eldest 37. We have nothing to do with each other apart from nieces and nephews. We're all ok. We deal with our own life. We was never close growing up NONE OF US. my brothers always used to fight to the extreme, both of them over 6ft and my mum at 5ft 3 she had to try and get between them, still not rocked their relationship theyre as close as can be.

Moral of this story. You dont have to worry. It depends on how their relationship forms as they get older.

Just enjoy adding a baby boy to the family! X

I have a brother and a sister, I’m much closer to my brother, we have lots in common, we have the same weird sense of humour and spend hours laughing. I love my sister but we don’t really have anything in common.

We need a feminism board, because we need feminism, because patriarchy continues to exist, in old and new ways. This does not mean that individual men (who are also negatively impacted by patriarchy) aren’t wonderful individuals. DH is. My male friends and brothers are. DS is. I don’t recognise the lazy, misogynist knuckle-draggers who appear in their legions on Mn from my RL — I can only assume they’re over-represented for the same reason that ‘nightmare MILs’, ‘toxic friends’, and difficult stepchildren are. Because there’s no need to post for advice about the straightforward, mutually-loving and beneficial ones. I’ve been on Mn since 2011, and I’ve never listed a single negative thing about DH. He’s far from a saint, but he’s a great person, husband and father, attentive, responsible, generous, more than pulling his weight domestically despite a high-pressure job, and has been very caring and supportive when I’ve been having a hard time recently.

And yes, when you have a son with a shit, of course you worth he’ll turn out the same, but ask yourself why your bar was so low?

Me and my sister were never that close

It's not a given

I'm noticing OP is only really responding to say that she believes the sister / female family member relationship is the best one and mostly ignoring people saying they don't have that same experience.

Which suggests she not actually interested in changing this view...

You have your iron-clad expectations and assumptions and they’ve been thwarted. Try to be open and curious.