I have realised my partner is not someone I want to have a child with.

[Didyouhearwhat]

I’m 3 months pregnant (been with my partner going 3 years) and dealing with a great deal of SPD (it hurts to walk a lot and get out of bed) I was in bed last night when I asked my partner to make me a slice of toast as I was hungry. Back story: I made dinner early and already had a plate for lunch, when he got in, I was in the kitchen and he told for me to plate his up and bring to him, which I did.
I didn’t want the same food again so I just asked for some toast before bed. In which he said ‘No’. I asked for about 5 minutes and he kept saying no, and by asking a lot I was ‘forcing him’ so no.
I found myself on the abortion website last night and made a referral in the heat of the moment.
However after reflection today I’ve realised, my partner is very selfish and I’m very generous, I’m a giver he’s the take, I’m considerate, he’s egotistical.
I really don’t think this is the man I should be having a baby with… or the man I should be with full stop.
Could this be hormones and I was just completely pissed off about the toast, or is this deeper? Am I wrong if I follow through with the abortion? Do I leave him? Help.

With respect OP, it sounds like the problem is you. You’re hormonal, tired, in pain and there’s still a long way to go. Have you considered seeking some counselling?

Unless there’s some huge backstory, stomping your feet and threatening abortion because your partner wouldn’t bring you toast (with whom you already have a toddler and you admit is a “great dad”) is not normal behaviour.

I had awful SPD really early on. So bad walking on shiny surfaces like laminate or lino would make me slip and do the splits and leave me in terrible agony. It was a humbling moment when I had to ask to use a mobility scooter in ASDA and then ask my uber driver to help me bring my shopping inside. It just got worse over my pregnancy. You've got all of my sympathy.

If he is usually selfish OP then I wouldn't say he is a good dad. Good dads are good to their children's mother.

Mumsnet loves to say to mothers after the fact "why did you have a baby with him if he was so selfish?" When you're in a position now to not have a 2nd baby, and now some posters are saying they wouldn't split up or abortion over this, when this is clearly a pattern of behaviour.

What is he going to be like when you've got a toddler and a newborn and you're sleep deprived, bleeding, can't go for a wee without someone touching you, can't get a drink when you're thirsty because you're trying to meet the needs of your children, haven't had a shower for 5 minutes before someone starts crying and you're burnt out?

Is he the type of person who would step up? Because if not you have to be realistic about how you're going to manage.

If you don't think you could manage then I wouldn't have this baby in your shoes. It's a recipe for postpartum depression.

If you can manage, find a way to manage without him.

Well that is also true… words and actions need to match…

my ex was horrible with words but very good with actions…

Indeed they are. But they don't need to be 'honest' about their full medical details with complete strangers on the internet. We don't need a full service history in order to advise - we have the choice either to take what OP says at face value and respond accordingly, or scroll past.

I think, whatever your decision about the pregnancy at this stage OP, your qualms about your future with this man give you you answer as far as your relationship is concerned.

I'm sorry you are having to confront this at such a vulnerable time. Unfortunately, your decision as to whether you continue your pregnancy is one only you can make.

But you’re already had a baby with him? You know what it’s like unless he’s suddenly changed. Why have you tried for another baby?

Have the baby but don't put him on the BC maybe?

Absolutely so. This little detail didn't escape me either.

The posters advising OP she's being OTT to end her relationship over a bit of toast are missing this trick. Of course, without any background context that's an OTT reaction which might appear ridiculous.

It's not about the toast. The toast is a symptom of a much larger problem, but it's the catalyst that has made OP recognise the extent of that problem.

OP, if you're questioning whether you want to a baby with this man - albeit that ship's already sailed as you have the elder child - then that tells you precisely to what extent he is a 'good father'. It's a shame so many women are willing to let their partners off the hook with this disclaimer. You've reached a point where you are questioning the wisdom of continuing with this pregnancy because of the father's selfishness and callous indifference toward the condition of the woman who is carrying his child.

I'd call that the very definition of a sub-standard father.

Sometimes it takes one moment for us to realise our partners don't give a damn about us. He tells her to get his dinner and she does. She's in pain and asks for toast and he says no. He doesn't care about her or value the relationship. The OP has probably suspected this for a while but in that moment, she knows.

@Didyouhearwhat

I had bad SPD with both pregnancies. Do you wear a support belt? It made a world of difference - as i could barely walk.

As to your reaction to the toast-Gate - i think the hormones are on overdrive. Not saying he is perfect or anything - but you have chosen to be with him as he is. You already have a child you are raising together. And arguments happen - over all kinds of little things.

Your partner sounds horrible, but there must be a significant backstory here, because making a referral for an abortion after the toast incident is otherwise very extreme. Have you had doubts about having this second baby before? Did you tell him that his behaviour had made you consider abortion? If you did go through with a termination, how would you explain that to him? I would speak to your midwife, GP, trusted friend or relative as soon as possible. This is a lot to go through on your own.

Off topic but I had spd on my first pregnancy and it started even earlier on my second. I got referred to physio straight away and it really helped, it was much better for the 2nd pregnancy. The pain of it was horrible and getting in and out of bed...he should f@*ing help as much as he can

He is the father of first child and he’s a great dad Why do you keep saying this? How is he a great dad? Because you’re pregnant with his child, hungry and he won’t make you some toast when you’re in too much pain to move, after you’ve fed him and put your toddler to bed. Doesn’t sound like a good dad to me.

Or is he just good at the fun bits? The bits he enjoys doing.

They're always 'great dads' aren't they. He sounds fucking awful.

@Didyouhearwhat Sorry you're struggling with SPD, OP, and asking for a slice of toast when you were exhausted, hungry and your DP was out of bed was not unreasonable at all. Your DP on the other hand ... So, because you asked him more than once (you shouldn't have had to!) he feels like he's being "forced" to do it so digs his heels in even deeper? Yeah, he's an arse who needs to grow the f*ck up! 🙄
Re. continuing with this pregnancy, I think you need to speak to him about this. Maybe ask him, if he wouldn't make you a slice of toast when you really needed him to, what else wouldn't he do for you when you ask? This is a pretty fundamental question, given your compromised health, and his response shouldn't be driven by his pride FFS.
On a related note, you say this pregnancy is welcomed, if not planned, but have you spoken to him about how he really feels about it? Of course, the prospect of a new baby is joyful, but you know as well as anyone else that it can bring worries (health and financial, not least) and I think a calm, candid discussion would flush these out.
Good luck OP, whatever you decide to do.

Indeed. Even worse than that, because she asks him more than once he feels "forced" to do it so digs his heels in even deeper! What kind of arse treats his pregnant partner that way? It just makes no sense to me at all.

If he’s this selfish now, imagine how awful he will be with a baby and you’re both exhausted , what will it look like when you’re on maternity leave with potentially no money ?

Same here. I was on crutches by 12 weeks with my third pregnancy. Second pregnancy 8 months after first, ended at 6 wks as it was ectopic and 3rd pregnancy 4 months after that. And for people linking it to weight gain, I was about 8 stone (partly because I’ve always been small and partly because of morning sickness/lack of ability to eat much).

Do you honestly think it’s just about toast ?

Responses like this are just baffling. Is people's reading comprehension really that poor? Or are they just conditioned to automatically excuse men's unpleasant behaviour?

Yeah, she's tired (exhausted) and in pain with SDP and her DP couldn't bring her a slice of toast when asked, but she's the problem. Yeah, of course she should seek counselling 😂 instead of expecting her DP to be a kind, considerate partner. Sigh. 🙄

This 👆 An excellent, thoughtful and thought-provoking post - thank you. 💐
And I'm so sorry you suffered so badly with SPD - it sounds horrific!

RTFT. This baby wasn't planned, but is welcomed.

Is he showing this pattern of behaviour all the time or just since the pregnancy? Is he pleased youre both having another DC? I see you also have a toddler. You may both be tired and grumpy, or he's selfish like this all the time. Only you know. Have a calm chat and if he gaslights, deflects or blames you then you have your answer and need to decide whether you want to be tied to him for the next 18 or so years!

Can we please stop with the abortion shaming in this thread.