I have realised my partner is not someone I want to have a child with.

[Didyouhearwhat]

I’m 3 months pregnant (been with my partner going 3 years) and dealing with a great deal of SPD (it hurts to walk a lot and get out of bed) I was in bed last night when I asked my partner to make me a slice of toast as I was hungry. Back story: I made dinner early and already had a plate for lunch, when he got in, I was in the kitchen and he told for me to plate his up and bring to him, which I did.
I didn’t want the same food again so I just asked for some toast before bed. In which he said ‘No’. I asked for about 5 minutes and he kept saying no, and by asking a lot I was ‘forcing him’ so no.
I found myself on the abortion website last night and made a referral in the heat of the moment.
However after reflection today I’ve realised, my partner is very selfish and I’m very generous, I’m a giver he’s the take, I’m considerate, he’s egotistical.
I really don’t think this is the man I should be having a baby with… or the man I should be with full stop.
Could this be hormones and I was just completely pissed off about the toast, or is this deeper? Am I wrong if I follow through with the abortion? Do I leave him? Help.

I have a toddler too, I could manage however I had just put her to bed, I was exhausted and he was already up and about. Don’t see how this could’ve been any inconvenience to him.

Is he the father of your toddler? What has he been like as a father (or stepfather) so far.

A selfish man is unlikely to make a good father. Was this a planned pregnancy?

Ignore the SPD police unless they’re all doctors specialising in SPD. I had it so badly I was kept in hospital for months before I gave birth, after trying loads of other NHS funded aides and treatments, and during a third pregnancy it started within weeks of finding out I was pregnant. So yes it’s unusual but the OP has SPD in the first 3 months and that’s not the issue anyway 🤦🏻‍♀️

YANBU to leave him and not to have a child with him. But who is the father of your toddler? You said you have been together 3 years, but imply that this baby would be your first child?
Id LTB either way, but if you already share the toddler then co parenting 2 won't be any worse than 1. If he isn't the father then I'd seriously consider the pregnancy as a clean break would be best for you and your older child.

We already have a toddler, he is a great dad! I’m just not sure why he cannot be compassionate and sympathetic of my situation. He’s had selfish tendencies but this particularly has triggered me and I don’t know how I can come back from it.

You can have an abortion in England, Scotland and Wales up to 23 weeks and 6 days. Every pregnancy is different and women put on weight at different stages. I always put on the most weight in the first 3 months, almost nothing for the next 3, then a big amount in the last 3. And I suffered badly with SPD from about 16 weeks onwards.

I had two fairly close together and got SPD pretty much straight away with the 2nd. Have you tried a Velcro band round your hips? I found that really helpful.

Your DH sounds a delight…

He is the father of our first child, she’s 2 in may. Sorry probably should have explained further.

With respect, there are degrees of SPD and if you were still able to work and walk around then you were lucky.
I couldn't keep working and did need crutches, as might op soon.

This is the response when women don't understand other women's period pain might be different to theirs "well I'm fine every month, it's not that bad"

Yes my daughter was 20 months when I found out. Thanks for the advice.

So you jumped into parenthood very quickly with this selfish man and are now bringing another child into the mix?

I appreciate that he is the real problem, not you, but you’ve made choices here as well, and you can only do something about yourself, not him.

Not sure why people are trying to catch op out on SPD. I can totally see at the end of first trimester being in pain and exhausted at the end of it. I get the whole pregnancy isn't a disability and agree, but it can be horrific. I've had an awful second pregnancy with extended morning sickness at the beginning, low iron levels, dizziness and total exhaustion. (I'm normally an active and healthy person).

She didn't ask for a full different dinner, it was a piece of toast. My husband wouldn't have thought twice about and bends over backwards to make this pregnancy as comfortable as possible. He was like it the first pregnancy too and it sets the tone for how he will be as a father, put LO always comes first to him.

Abortion at this stage is of course something to be considered carefully. You've had a child so you know that. As you already have a toddler you are tied to him regardless. How do you feel about the baby?

So you knew your partner for only 6-7 months when you conceived your first child together?

Sorry, I also meant to say, YANBU OP. Nor should you have to justify asking your partner (who you made and served dinner to) to make you a simple piece of toast. Partners do things for each other; it's normal.

It does sound like this isn't the man for you. But as you already have a toddler, I'd plan a safe way to leave. As to whether you have an abortion, only you can answer that. Is there someone at Marie Stopes or whichever clinic you have contacted who you could talk to about options?

https://www.msichoices.org.uk/support/i-am-pregnant-what-are-my-options/

Do you really want the baby? Would you be happy to raise two children on your own?

Thank you so much for your time n reading and advice. He is a great dad and my first pregnancy was heavenly which is why I believed I could do it again. However I can’t overlook these traits when I’m in need of help and am growing frustrating because none other than the one that should be helping me, isn’t. I haven’t been able to be happy about the baby or pregnancy because of these issues.

Pregnancy wasn’t planned but welcomed. He is the father of first child and he’s a great dad.

If hes normally a great dad and the pregnancy wasnt planned but is welcomed, could he be stressed and overwhelmed? Its no excuse but society doesn't teach boys how to open up (sweeping generalisation I know). My second was planned but my husband got totally wrapped up in finishing a very minor house project, is was worried, a little stressed and displacing that onto some poor, old pipes. Youre in pain, dealing with a toddler and pregnancy is a mind-fuck at the best of times.

The mark of a man is can he learn from his mistakes. If you were to write him a letter not blaming but explaining or ask him to sit down to discuss or even couples counselling, do you think he would hear you? If you said it got as far as looking up abortion services, would that shock him into opening up?

Also to be clear for you and anyone else, abortion is always your body, your choice.

Your thread title is completely at odds with already having a kid with the man and calling him a great dad.

Your partner is someone you already have a child with.

Things are rarely this black and white in a relationship. IME (abuse aside) there is usually fault on both sides.

That being said the very fact you are googling abortion let alone making an appointment to discuss one tells me this pregnancy isn't as welcome as you say it is. Perhaps termination is the best thing.

I don't think I'd consider an abortion because the father of my first child, who I consider a 'great' father to them, had a selfish moment in refusing to make me toast at bedtime, no.

Different if you have no other ties to him, and felt he wasn't shaping up well to partnerhood and parenthood. But you are tied to this man for the next umpteen years regardless on account of your first child. If you have any reservations, lock down your contraception after this one.

If he's usually a great partner and great dad and you are considering aborting a wanted 3 month old pregnancy because he wouldn't get you toast yes I think you're being really, really unreasonable.

What's your point? Are you suggesting she's lying?

It can and does kick in that early.

I’m perfectly fit and well, DH would about make me tea and toast in bed and think nothing of it.

Treat him how he treats you! He can make his own dinner from now on. You have the power here - you aren’t his victim.

Make the changes.

Love, he isn’t a great dad. A great dad doesn’t treat the mother of his child in this way.