I have realised my partner is not someone I want to have a child with.

[Didyouhearwhat]

I’m 3 months pregnant (been with my partner going 3 years) and dealing with a great deal of SPD (it hurts to walk a lot and get out of bed) I was in bed last night when I asked my partner to make me a slice of toast as I was hungry. Back story: I made dinner early and already had a plate for lunch, when he got in, I was in the kitchen and he told for me to plate his up and bring to him, which I did.
I didn’t want the same food again so I just asked for some toast before bed. In which he said ‘No’. I asked for about 5 minutes and he kept saying no, and by asking a lot I was ‘forcing him’ so no.
I found myself on the abortion website last night and made a referral in the heat of the moment.
However after reflection today I’ve realised, my partner is very selfish and I’m very generous, I’m a giver he’s the take, I’m considerate, he’s egotistical.
I really don’t think this is the man I should be having a baby with… or the man I should be with full stop.
Could this be hormones and I was just completely pissed off about the toast, or is this deeper? Am I wrong if I follow through with the abortion? Do I leave him? Help.

Someone should say now that spd can begin at this point and while unusual it is unfortunately possible for it to be very painful.

Of course your dp should have been willing to make you some toast.

You need manual therapy ASAP. Please go on the Pelvic partnership website and follow their recommendations.

Baby or no, DH would never say no to making me a slice of toast if I was unwell. When I was pregnant and everything made me sick he did everything he could to mitigate it. He went out to get the random things I was craving, regardless of the time. Once he ordered a whole sale size tub of something I wanted that you could only get in small quantities.

If this man won't make his unwell partner one slice of toast, he is going to do nothing when there is actually a baby in your life.

I personally would have the baby so you don't end up with an unsuitable future partner because you are desperate to replace it. Your toddler will also have a full sibling which although underrated on Mumsnet is generally great in real life.

Could you keep a packet of crackers or rice cakes by your bed so you don't have to ask him in future.

I think some time in the near future you need a chat about how you need extra support until the baby is about 6 months. Also is he getting influenced by the Andrew Tate stuff. Plus ask him if he is extra tired or needs support with something especially if this is out of character.

It might be time to start to build up separate savings just in case it isn't a blip

I’d absolutely not tie myself to a selfish man. Your life will effectively be over. If you keep the baby I’d still ditch him, he’s an arsehole.

If he has otherwise been a good partner to you and father to your first, I wouldn't be leaving him over a refusal to make you a piece of toast. Sounds like hormones raging (understandable) and him having a bad day.

As you already have a child and see him as a great dad, I think you need to avoid any sudden decisions. You're not feeling great and you were exhausted. Maybe he had a bad day too. Talk to him about the incident (and others, if you feel he is often like this). Don't blame him but ask why he refused and explain why you asked. Perhaps he's used to you bouncing around, taking everything in your stride, and he's finding the change unsettling? (No excuse not to get the toast of course, but worth exploring.)

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable to jump to abortion over this (and I’m pro abortion)
Abortion is a massive decision that you have to live with for the rest of life and since this baby was wanted, it could be hard to live with so I wouldn’t take that decision lightly.

He on the other hand is a dick. It would take 5 minutes to make you some toast. Also I find it concerning that he wasn’t up there checking on you or even helping out with the toddler?
regardless of the spd the first trimester fatigue is a bitch, so combining the two I can understand why you are shattered. Since this isn’t your firstborn, he should know this too.

Only you can know if this selfish behaviour is normal for him. But if it is, maybe look at building yourself an escape fund and get ready to leave.
I know some men can shut down a bit while their partner is pregnant, but there is no need to gaslight you for a simple task that if you loved your partner you would do

No.
Love is evident from behaviour, not someone's words which, let's face it, men will say all kinds of bullshit to get someone to stay.

Absolutely this. It can start early, especially with already having had a baby before. My youngest is 5 and I still suffer with a clunky pelvis.

Everyone has their breaking point at times where they might snap or react badly. The event that triggers it (being asked to make toast) might not be the underlying reason. Could there be something more going on?

Nah id get rid

If he's like this now over making a piece of toast then imagine 6 months from now woth a newborn. What if you had a c section and needed help which would be more involved than a bit of food, not to mention the work involved with baby, broken sleep pain recovery from birth. He won't help with any of that.
Id leave him, then decide if you still want the baby but expect to do it all alone whether you stay or go.

This. In your situation I'd have the baby and then work out whether I wanted to leave.

My answer would be different if you didn't already have a child with him, but you're already tied to him until your existing child is 18, you're pregnant and I assume this was a wanted baby (i.e. You wanted 2 children). It's not like you can have an abortion, cut him off and move on entirely.

Some men don’t want to look after women. See other threads on men who leave their partners when they get cancer.

you have a choice. Leaving and solo parenting is hard. You could stop doing favours for him to reset the balance and save a bit of your own energy. Work out your own boundaries about what you want.

He doesnt sound like a particularly great life partner, or a great father, so if it was an accidental pregancy that you had already felt unsure about, then id see this as very much affirming my choice to have an abortion.
However, if its a pregnancy you wanted and chose, then id have serious considerations as to whether you go it alone at this point and get rid of him and work out how that might look?

im not surprised its made you feel vulnerable though.

Great dads don’t treat their partners badly. I wish that women wouldn’t separate out “how he treats the kids” from “how he treats me”. If he treats you, the mother of his children, badly, he’s a bad dad. Eventually your children will know this, and may come to suffer from it as well.

So only you can know how bad this situation is with him being selfish. It sounds like you need to have a proper heart to heart with him, maybe even couples counselling.

When you feel tired and unwell and ask a loved one for some care, if they respond by saying you’re forcing them and refuse, they’re unkind. End of.

Imagine finding a pregnant woman exhausted and unwell in the street, who asks if you could get them something to eat. Most people would help her. He’s your DP and the father of your children FFS. You’d made him dinner and put his child to bed FFS.

If you already have a child with him, would you like your child to have a full sibling? Do you feel you could manage alone with a baby and a toddler? This is what you have to weigh up. It’s entirely your choice. But you need to think rationally, rather than emotionally.

Or, you could try to save your relationship by telling him where your head’s at. His actions are so unattractive, that you’re questioning the relationship. See what he says.

I've always been of the opinion that you should never have a 2nd child in a relationship that isn't stable and supportive. Better an only child than 2. 2 trap you a lot more than 1 and also, you're bringing another child into a bad situation.

"... when he got in, I was in the kitchen and he told for me to plate his up and bring to him..."

That stood out for me. How dare he give you orders and he was extremely mean to refuse to make you toast. SPD is no joke, you had it before and your man should be more understanding this time around.

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting this man as the father of your child. However you are the baby's mother and abortion is not an easy thing to go through. If you do I feel you should separate from your partner.

You’ve said he’s a great dad multiple times. In what ways? How, specifically, is he a great dad? As I’ve noticed women often say this about their awful partners and, upon probing, it turns out said shitty partners are mediocre dads at best.

So you barely knew the guy before falling pregnant with the first?! To then go and fall pregnant again!! Honestly despair with women these days bringing children into situations like this.

Mine was early. And weirdly I was fine in the last 8 weeks. My chiropractor said it was very unusual but there you go! [shrug]

OP, I honestly think you need to put this in a different section of MN. You want an abortion - the last time I looked at UK law, it was permissible as it is Your Body, Your Choice.

If you want to stop this pregnancy for whatever reason, you can. It would be easier to be a single parent to 1 child than 2. However, I think you should have counselling about this ASAP, before your final decision.

It might be hormones; it might be that pregnancy is making you open your eyes to his real behaviour that you overlooked in the fog of having your first child. Women are often told to ignore their instincts because it’s ‘hormones’. I think those instincts roar at us the truths we want to avoid for a quiet life.

On the SPD note, it can and is utterly debilitating. I had it with DC1 from the end of my second trimester and ended up leaving work early for mat leave as I couldn’t physically get there. Second time around with DC2 it started so much earlier and it wasn’t long before I couldn’t walk to the end of the road, let alone any further. It was life limiting and so painful. You really have my sympathies OP.

Secondly, your DH is a waste of space. But as the poster above me has said, please seek urgent counselling before making an abortion decision. It is ultimately your choice but there are options on the table if you don’t want to terminate.

I was in the kitchen and he told for me to plate his up and bring to him, which I did.

So what would happen if you just said "no" to things like this? And if he pushed it, what would happen if you said "by you nagging me about it you're forcing me so no"?

@Didyouhearwhat your ‘partner’ sounds very selfish. I would not be in a relationship with him, nor having a child with him. Sounds like he thinks you are his servant. You deserve better.