I have realised my partner is not someone I want to have a child with.

[Didyouhearwhat]

I’m 3 months pregnant (been with my partner going 3 years) and dealing with a great deal of SPD (it hurts to walk a lot and get out of bed) I was in bed last night when I asked my partner to make me a slice of toast as I was hungry. Back story: I made dinner early and already had a plate for lunch, when he got in, I was in the kitchen and he told for me to plate his up and bring to him, which I did.
I didn’t want the same food again so I just asked for some toast before bed. In which he said ‘No’. I asked for about 5 minutes and he kept saying no, and by asking a lot I was ‘forcing him’ so no.
I found myself on the abortion website last night and made a referral in the heat of the moment.
However after reflection today I’ve realised, my partner is very selfish and I’m very generous, I’m a giver he’s the take, I’m considerate, he’s egotistical.
I really don’t think this is the man I should be having a baby with… or the man I should be with full stop.
Could this be hormones and I was just completely pissed off about the toast, or is this deeper? Am I wrong if I follow through with the abortion? Do I leave him? Help.

Edit. This was my response to OP before I read the reveal that she already has a child with him.

I think you sound very wise @Didyouhearwhat. It isn't being hormonal, it is entirely rational to realise that this man would be an utterly shit dad. I do not think it would be unreasonable to terminate the pregnancy. If you go through with the pregnancy, the child will always have an utterly shit dad, whether the trauma from that is due to total absence or due to all the unpleasantness that will happen if he isn't totally absent, there is no avoiding one or the other kind of trauma. Plus you won't ever be able to have him out of your life, he will always be your child's father. Ending that version of the future right now via an abortion could well be the kindest thing. Obviously you will also hear from anti-abortion advocates who may try to make you feel guilty about this choice but you are absolutely fine to do what is right for you, and give yourself the opportunity to find a decent man who will make a good father to your future children.

Obviously this isn't quite so because your existing child will already be suffering all this. Still go ahead with the abortion if you want to, and get this bastard out of your life as much as possible.

Can you define “great dad”. Quite often “great dad” turns out to be “not fed the kid to a tiger”.

For example:-

What proportion of night wakings does he do?
When you are both in the house what proportion of nappy changes does he do?
Does he regularly bath the child alone?
Does he regularly put the child to bed alone?

How bad your SPD is is irrelevant, you are pregnant and asked him for a small act of kindness.

I wouldn't want a baby with him, and I definitely wouldn't want a second baby with him.

I think you have two separate decisions to make OP, one of which, concerns ending your relationship with him. He is selfish and has a massive ego, isn’t helpful, loving or caring any more and sounds disrespectful and cold when it comes to your needs. Not what you thought you had signed up for. But he’s a great dad.

They are good enough reasons to end it, but only you can weigh up how motivated you are to tell him it’s over and how much you really mean it as this sounds like a very sudden realisation mainly based on him not making you toast.

It seems you don’t have a lot of time to make your second, very serious and more pressing pregnancy decision. At the same time, you are suffering from SPD. So my advice would be to take professional advice/counselling from a reputable clinic as soon as possible and then you can and go from there. Once you know for sure how you are going to proceed with your pregnancy, I think the relationship decision might suddenly have much more clarity.

It was really unsupportive of him to refuse to get you toast. It sounds like he's sometimes selfish in other ways too. That's one trait though, and I'd maybe consider how you feel about the relationship as a whole. I know some people may feel a selfish streak is a deal breaker, but for others, maybe there can be positive traits that push in the other direction.

I suppose what I mean is don't focus on this one incident, bad as it was, but how you feel generally over the 3 year relationship. Do you want to make it work?

Personally I wouldn't consider aborting a 3 month foetus in either case, and certainly not if this one incident was the first time you've even considered it, as that suggests it's more of an impulse than a reasoned decision.

Absolutely get that it's a personal choice, but those would be my thoughts

my partner is not someone I want to have a child with

But you already have a child with him and he’s a great dad?…so it seems a bit of an overreaction to jump to abortion over toast.
That said, he doesn’t sound like a great partner in general so I’m guess the toast is the final straw.

Must say, I find your attitude to your baby extremely weird and flippant, tbh.

So in one minute you fully wanted this baby and went with the pregnancy, but one (shitty) act from your partner and you make an appointment for abortion? It's just...odd. Doesn't seem you care either way.

Partner is a shithead, that much is obvious. And you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave him. At all.

As for the baby, make sure you REALLY want it. Or not.

This is what stood out for me
he TOLD her to bring his dinner to him
She ASKED for a piece of toast and he said no. Utter selfishness.
He is showing you who he is, OP.

Your post isn’t really making sense.

How can you be confused whether he’s someone you want a child with, so much so that you are considering aborting the baby and ending the relationship - but you’ve already got an almost 2 year old child with him.

This has got to be hormones because surely you would have thought about this way before now and definitely before you got pregnant a second time.

This is what I noticed too. Partner behaved like a shit so went straight to ending a 3 month pregnancy? Who already has a full sibling. Seems off...

You already have a child together and he's a great dad but you're going to have an abortion and leave him over toast? My mind boggles. I can only assume your hormones are all over the place or there's a huge back story.

If you can barely get out of bed from the pain how on earth are you going to manage a toddler for the next 6 months? You sound like a complete drama llama to me.

you are applying for an abortion because a man will not bring you toast? seriously?

Regardless if you are pregnant or have SPD, it’s no big deal to bring your partner some toast is it? Unless the partner was demanding all the time and doing little in return (which it doesn’t sound is the case) it should be such a non event.
its hard to comment further without knowing how the rest of the relationship works and I appreciate it’s hard to capture that when posting. Re the toast issue maybe explain how hurt you felt and why and ask him why he responded that way. Sometimes with the hecticness of life and tiredness we don’t always hear what the other person is really saying and needs or understand why.
but I guess there is also the other stuff in the relationship to consider, how that works and how you feel about it. Hard to have conversations about these things without making it sound like a confrontation which then brings on defensiveness and then no resolution. But I think it’s important to try have these conversations before making any big decisions. If he refuses to see your point of view at all then the decision becomes much easier. Good luck x

Thread title is very misleading. You already have a child with this man! And constantly refer to him as a ‘great dad’.

Since you already have a toddler with him, I would carry on and have this baby. Once you are strong enough, you can consider leaving him.

A man refusing to bring his pregnant partner some toast is a piece of shit.

You see, we only know one side of the story, always, when people post on here. With this proviso, I think that he is a wanker. When somebody is in bed and feeling unwell, and you are under the same roof (spouse, child, MIL, dp, even friends staying over) you come up to them repeatedly and ask, ad nauseum, what would you like? What can I get you? Can I get you anything? Basically, you do it to the point where they plead with you to leave them alone. You must do that, and never say 'give me a shout if you want anything', because they are unwell. After no positive response with 'can I het you ANYTHING', you start actively suggesting things (they are unwell, may not realise or think quickly enough to answer your question) - like 'would you like a piece of toast?', 'would you like a cup of soup?', etc. Your partner is an arsehole. I would sever the relationship. And no, it was not your hormones who refused to look after you when you were not feeling well. Arsehole.

Its absolutely possible, mine kicked in around 5 weeks this time round, and 12 weeks for my first. Not everyone is lucky enough to only suffer with it later!

It's already tied. They have a toddler

I think you need to speak to a professional @Didyouhearwhat

Can you contact Marie Stopes or similar?

Could you cope on your own?

Could you forgive him if you had an abortion? Would you stay with him if you did?

He was a bit selfish not to get you some toast, especially if you weren’t feeling well and he was up and about.

But to jump to wanting an abortion and ending a 2+ year relationship over it, is a massive overreaction, especially as this is your second child and you say he’s a great dad.

So either you’re being massively over dramatic because of your hormones or there is a huge backstory.
I am guessing it’s just your hormones.

Can you not understand what she's saying?

Leaving him will be so much harder with two very young children. Motherhood is extremely tough and I would not want to be having more children with someone that cared so little for my wellbeing op. You are going to really struggle indefinitely with someone so selfish and uncaring.

It’s not the toast, it’s the last straw. It’s symbolic of a much deeper issue.

@HoppingPavlova I had SPD horrifically with one that lasted even after pregnancy and then got pregnant with a second and for some weird and wonderful reason it cleared up, pregnancy is always a strange one.

This.

It shows the children that men can treat women badly. And it doesn't matter which sex the children are. It teaches boys that they can treat their future wives badly and girls they should expect bad treatment. Not a good dad.

Straw. Camel. Back.

But also, would you refuse your pregnant, exhausted, unwell partner a slice of toast? Why?