Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

[hsjksndsj]

Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

She also isn't the only one reading this thread. Perhaps it might help another woman not get caught in a similar situation.

Yes!

Look, you really can't lie about this to the baby's dad or to your kid. The truth will out.

If you're so keen not to have the dad in your life, is it a possibility to have an abortion and just look forward in the future to having kids with someone much nicer? If you have his baby, he'll never be truly out of your life. You'll be seeing him 30 years from now when your child gets married or something. Because no way can you keep this a secret forever.

If I was pregnant by someone I really, really didn't want around, I think I'd probably terminate, to keep my life as simple and safe as possible.

but he can still change his mind. You are acting like this lie protects you fully when it does not. It is going to hang over your head for the next 18 years and beyond. He could come back into your lives to establish paternity at any point. If he has retained the proof that you lied, you won’t be able to argue in court that he missed his opportunity to establish a relationship and perhaps isn’t the best kind of person to be in the child’s life based on his chosen lack of presence. Instead all you will have to show the man is unfit is rumors.

Ultimately if OP continues with the pregnancy then she is doing so knowing there is the risk that he may demand contact in the future and she would need to seek legal advice if that happens. He won't be out of her life ....even with no direct involvement from him whatsoever he will always be in the background and the baby will grow up curious.

Abortion is always an option but if she doesn't want one then she needs to deal with the consequences.

If she continues with the pregnancy then I think she needs to be truthful with baby's dad. That does not mean maintaining contact with him or inviting him to be part of that's childs life.

He would need to apply for PR via the courts which would cost money and time. Surely the courts and social services would assess the safety of contact.

OP clearly has issues given the term 'lustful' used for the father of her baby. I suspect more religion at play here given she won't consider abortion and that 'women lie about rape' (We don't usually by the way)

And the courts will likely allow him contact.

It's almost impossible to get a conviction for sexual assault, so it's likely he won't. Even if he does, if the assault is against an adult, and he's served his term, they are likely to approve at least some contact.

He's not a nice person, but that appears to do nothing to dissuade courts from ordering even 50:50 contact.

Also, all of this only applies until the child has a preference.

OP also says that she "can't imagine her child turning away from her", which is naivety of the highest order. We see it all the time on here. Mum does the hard yards when the kid is little. When kid is old enough to not require so much work, Disney dad swans in. Disney dad is a hero in the kid's eyes, because they don't do things like enforce boundaries, and they worship him. There are posts on here where they cut off contact with mum altogether. And because hes6a hero to them, they emulate him.

You seem to believe that nurture is the only deciding factor in how someone turns out. You need to think about the fact you might well end up with a child who is like him in either looks, personality (disorders) or both.

also, and I really don’t mean this rudely and definitively not judging as have been in perhaps even more troublesome situations of my own making, but you say you have a normal family - you already have two children yet you are now pregnant with an abusive man’s child after a four month thing, presumably now with a new boyfriend who it sounds like you’re considering lying to about the paternity of said child, and you’re contemplating lying about aborting this baby and lying to its father and paternal family so as to keep it all a big secret (I get wanting to protect the kid from him btw). Are you sure you and your family are as normal and non toxic as you think you are as doesn’t sound too healthy and that has to start somewhere. It might be more difficult than you realise to raise a narcissist’s child even if he’s not in the picture. Plus your child will want to find him when they’re older, no doubt, and will buy into everything he says and if this guy is as good as you say at playing innocent, your child will likely be turned against you quickly. It’s a big big risk.

edited to add there is also a risk of living in the same city your child might get to know siblings or cousins they arent aware they’re related to which could blow it all up later down the line

I think your plan is the best way to deal with a bad situation @hsjksndsj. I think my main concern would be explaining my decision to my child when they are older. I would suggest writing down your thoughts on why you are choosing to take this path (it could be in the form of a letter to the child perhaps), and could help you explain your thought process and state of mind at this time, many years in the future when your child needs answers to difficult questions.

I wouldn't be overly concerned with the baby's father finding out you have gone ahead with the pregnancy, as it sounds like he doesn't want to be involved anyway, and even if he did, it could be difficult due to his criminal history, and may involve an awful lot of effort on his part, which he doesn't sound like the type to expend on this sort of thing. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I wish you the best with everything.

Well if it is a ‘religious’ background that’s influencing the abortion decision then she’s clearly picky about which bits of her ‘religion’ she chooses to follow.

Most, certainly the Abrahamic ones, wouldn’t think much of shagging two people at the same time, (leaving aside conception out of wedlock), and deception’s frowned upon too.

No judgement on any of that from me… but then I wouldn’t pretend to be observant.

This is a cruel situation to bring children into.

You say he led you on, but it doesn’t sound that committed if you were sleeping with two men at once.

You also say your children won’t be upset with you when they find out.

Unless you’ve been in that situation you have no clue.

I’ve watched both my brother and sister go through this and it’s heartbreaking.

Finally I know you were on birth control but STD’s are still rampant including an increase in HIV recently. (Decrease in AIDS mind you)

Wrap it up kids!

I would block him and then change everything you can. Your email, your phone number. Heck, change your name! People do that all the time. Go back to your maiden name if you still have your exes last name. Start going by your middle name. Change what you can and hope he doesn't care to hunt for you.

If this has already been mentioned, I apologize. Haven't read everyone's thread, just the OPs.

The above could be done before the baby is even born, FYI.

And, personally, she doesn't want to have an abortion. Which is just as valid a choice as having an abortion.

If you posted on Mumsnet to say you were having an abortion, I'm not sure you'd take kindly to people trying to change your mind.

Hopefully he'll be going to prison for a very long time. Do they let convicted sex offenders in prison have access to their kids?

This is where it's helpful to read the OP's posts. She's mentioned this a few times.

He hasn't been convicted, and the odds of actually being convicted of a sex crime are tiny, even in the most obvious of situations. The likelihood of him going to prison is tinier.

The more I read this thread the more hurdles it becomes clear this poor baby is going to have in its way from day one.

A PP gave me pause for thought that your older DC have an involved and loving relationship with their Dad. Consider how painful it will be week after week for this baby when his siblings go off to their Dad, go on holidays with him, receive presents, have his support through their teens and the little one just has a Dad shaped void full of questions. Your family may be the most loving in the world but they cannot fill that void and you can't explain it with 'your Dad chose not to be involved' which is frankly bad enough, you have to say 'I decided you weren't to have a Dad'.

A child doesn't fully grasp that he's a bad Man (or if they do they're intrigued by it in a 'my Dads harder than your Dad' kind of way). So they grow up filling the void with imagination and longing, until they are old enough to understand and are instead filled with horror and worry that they'll be the same. A friend of mine is in his 40s and never had a serious relationship as he's frightened he'll become his own Dad and hurt someone.

All that in addition to the worry that he'll turn up one day and cause trouble, the high likelihood that the child will want to find him one day and the hell that will unleash, the effect on your existing children...

I know you don't want an abortion OP but please really really consider what is in the best interests of the child and your existing children, not only what you want.

Terrible idea OP. You're only thinking about the next few months. There's a lot more to consider. What will you tell the child when they ask who their dad is? What will you say when the child uploads their DNA to Ancestry and finds out they have loads of new relatives?

In this situation what OP wants shouldn't trump every other consideration- her existing children are more important, the effect a new baby will have on them and what sort of life that baby will have.

As for the poster who congratulated the OP on her pregnancy- there's nothing to congratulate in this mess.

I wouldn't lie.

It's not an ideal situation, but it's happened.
It doesn't look as though he will be involved anyway. I would be honest with all parties, but make no effort to involve the Dad at all.

Op, my DH's cousin decided to proceed with a pregnancy with a prince like your baby's father. Same as you, she just couldn't abort, despite it being an option from v early in pregnancy. The police are constantly involved, her kids with another man (her exH, who is a good father) were taken off her, and her wider family have needed to up their security as he threatens arson attacks. Btw, they are no longer in a relationship but he is still very much part of her daily life and a headache - understatement of the century. 'Affliction' would be more apt.

FGS, if you must have this child (which it goes without saying is your decision to make), please do not risk angering the father and his family by lying to him that you've had an abortion. So many have advised you to do this.

He might not want to know the child now but I'll bet he'll have a short lived epiphany at various points throughout his life. Scumbags like this often do. And I bet even more your DC will be really curious about him, regardless of how much truth they know about him. There's also your current DC to consider obviously and their safety.

I agree with this. I have a friend who was conceived in similar circumstances and her mum hid it all from the father. When she found out the truth she was devastated and her and her mum's relationship never recovered.

This all sounds like such a mess.

The child will deserve the truth - this is horrible advice

A few things I'm thinking: Firstly, was it a consensual relationship? The way you describe him, I'm wondering about that. It might explain your reluctance to involve him, yet your desire to make it meaningful by having his baby.

Secondly, thinking of your desire that he might "change" and be involved and step up is a worry and that "final meeting" to tell him the DNA results suggests to me you've been a bit gaslighted by him and still want to believe he's a potential partner (along with the "he's an innocent who had lots of lying women accusing him" routine, which I always find suspicious... it's worrying you'd fall for that).

Thirdly, be careful, as I've known someone like this and if you do tell him you've had an abortion there a real risk that he'll then come back telling you you are awful for doing this, he wants to try again, would have loved the baby etc etc, which is bad enough if you had had an abortion but lethal emotionally if you haven't. Just be aware that's a possibility and don't be fooled.

You can just tell him that you understand he doesn't want to be involved and this means you're going to have to think again about your plans... don't lie to him but also don't tell him anything. Block him every way and if you can, save evidence of him asking you to have an abortion in case you ever need to explain why you didn't get in touch with him.

In this situation what OP wants shouldn't trump every other consideration

So, just to clarify, you're saying that, when a woman is pregnant, HER OWN wishes and HER OWN assessment of her situation are not the most significant consideration when it comes to deciding whether or not to have an abortion?

Do you realise that, "Her body, her choice," works both ways? Frankly, your attitude makes you no better than those who want to restrict women's access to abortion.

Your last sentence is incredibly unpleasant.