Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

[hsjksndsj]

Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

OP, you keep talking about how the child will be brought up with your loving family, but the child will have a whole other branch of their family that they will be absolutely denied. Not just the Dad but Grandparents, Aunts & Uncles, Cousins.. people they have every right to know but you will be choosing to deny them. Medical history, family tree, family history etc all a complete mystery.

I was/am in the same situation and it's an unsettling and frequently upsetting place to be.

I'm not saying that a relationship with the Dad is worth it for the link to his family, but it's another thing to consider in what is in the best interests of the child.

Of course my baby is entitled to have a relationship with their father. But a baby cannot protect itself from bad people. That’s my job to protect my baby from a potential rapist. What kind of mother would I be to allow a man like that to raise my child. More than happy to be honest with my baby when they’re a mature adult. I would never not tell them who their dad is. But a young child needs protection even if that’s from its own father.

In which case I’d start planning now about the conversation you are going to have to have with your child about the absence of a father. Will you lie to them too? What if they find out you lied? What if you don’t lie and they get curious and seek him out? Sounds like that would be a bad situation for all concerned. Honestly I think this lie would be a terrible foundation for a child’s life and is almost certain to backfire on you and your child. It sounds harsh but as you are about to become a parent you need to deal with this head on as an adult and not run away from the situation. It will fix nothing and could easily make for far larger problems down the line.

Can't believe nobody else has picked up on the OP describing the father as 'lustful' despite having to have a DNA test to find out who fathered their baby...

Honestly I'd abort. I couldn't have this hanging over me as awful as that sounds.

His family are not loving and he’s not painted them in the best picture. He’s the way he is because of his own dad. So why would I want my baby around people like that. If in the future when my child is mature enough to know I will of course be honest. But a baby is defenceless from peoples toxic behaviour.

A "father"who advocates abortion or passing off the child to another man is not a "father" sorry. He has no rights here

Please get your contraception fitted out after this pregnancy. You have two children already with a ex. You now have a pregnancy that could have come from either of two men. Do your current children a favour and stop creating more.

But is he a threat to the baby? If so how? He's a shit person for sure, but shit people still get to be parents if they are not a risk to their children.

That’s a bit judgmental to my situation. I didn’t sleep with two men to be lustful. I was dating to find love. Cut things off with the babies dad and met someone else. Life happens im a grown adult. Lustful his him having multiple one night stands, manipulating women into sleeping with him and being a compulsive liar to get sex as he’s clearly an addict. Now being investigated for a serious sexual crime.

Have a day off please.

Don’t be unkind and rude. I have two beautiful children from a 12 year relationship/marriage. That was loving but unfortunately didn’t work out.

I was on contraception thank you very much. Why are you commenting on peoples threads who are just asking for help. I’d take a long look at yourself for that kind of comment. Embarrassing behaviour.

Yes he does. Rights are determined by the law. Not opinion.

A answer to stir the pot even further. Why have a baby from this man in the first place and be linked to him forever on the chance that he finds out or not and not to mention that your unborn will grow up yearning for him and asking about him.

Still you have no right to call anyone 'lustful' (who even uses that phrase anyway).

You brought him into your existing kids' lives... dating him, shagging him (and some other guy) without protection, now having their sibling with him.

Why are you bringing a baby into this car crash of a situation? Put your other children first and be mature.

The trouble is when you create a mysterious parental vacuum in a child’s life they fill it with all sorts of romantic notions about the missing parent. When scumbag parent turns up later with a sob story about being kept from them, they want to believe the story - despite your warnings - and you become the enemy for a while until it dawns on them that scumbag parent is in fact a scumbag and a liar. But this can take time and a lot of damage can be done before they wake up.

Actually rights in law stem from a moral imperative. No law is natural, it's man made based on a considerations of societal and ethical good. Different societies have different laws. In this country a judge may well decide -and often do- that parental rights can be taken away from unfit parents. Rapists and abusers for example. That's law by the way, not just opinion

@hsjksndsj But you've admitted you don't know and have never met his family? They could be just as loving and normal as yours? You're only taking his word for them being toxic, and it doesn't sound like his word is worth much.

Either way it doesn't make responding to 'any history of .... in your family?' with 'I don't know' any easier. Been there, done that, 100 times.

Uh huh. Yet telling her to have an abortion and lie about the father of her baby is not against the law and doesn't remove his rights. So until/unless he is convicted of rape or the OP seeks CAO he still has rights.

If you don't want this man in your life then break contact with him now. Don't tell any lies because somewhere along the line you will get caught out even if it is years in the future.
Don't tell him when the baby is born, don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't update him at any point about the child even if he should pop up randomly in the future.
If in the future the child asks about his parentage you can then be honest about his fathers' character as you knew it to be and you can state your reasons then for not maintaining contact with him without lying at any point.
When they are old enough if they want to pursue making contact then that is their decision. Just tell the truth to everyone at all times but without ever naming the father - he is just someone who you belatedly realised you should never have got involved with. If you tell lies you have to have an exceptional memory for who you told what and when - don't go there!

Agreed. But OP doesn't want judgement -just advice. My advice is have a termination, put your existing children before your sex life and sort out reliable contraception.

I’m sympathetic to your situation but think there are factors you haven’t considered that you should:

1. the criminal justice system is at breaking point meaning investigations take years and decisions to prosecute take ages, then it could be years before the case reaches trial. If I was unstable and worrying I was going to prison I’d be very focused on the good in my life and that would be my baby. Regardless of what he says now. It may even help at trial to say he is a caring father. In his shoes I’d push for contact regardless of what he says right now.
2. if he has never been a danger to children and has a few years with his child before conviction (and don’t forget the conviction rates for rape are very low and he may not even be charged so it could all end much sooner) then he could continue pushing for a relationship. What impact not just on you but your existing children?
3. if he is charged, tried and convicted- small chance generally with current state of criminal justice system - he can push for contact whilst in prison his mum could pick up child and take them to visit. If not you’ll need court orders. Who will pay for that?
4. courts and social services could be involved - what effect will that have on all your children?
5. If you could keep it secret - your other children have a good relationship with their dad. This child will want to know why they don’t have a dad and this will be a constant source of pain. If he isn’t convicted it’s just you saying the baby’s dad is a bad person and baby’s dad will deny that. You’ll destroy your family.
6. if he doesn’t have other children he may do in the future and you’re denying this child not just a dad but sibling relationships. Your child won’t thank you. Your child may be found in the future by siblings or wider family with all the dna testing nowadays.

i think you haven’t thought this fully through. Either you keep the baby and he knows and you deal with it or you abort. You can’t lie to him. It’s a recipe for disaster and it’ll be of your own making.

So the TLDR version is - you are pregnant. Father is unstable and potentially violent. You want to have the baby and erase the father from the picture (possibly by telling him you had an abortion).

This man is going to haunt you. And your baby. And the 2 children you already have. He poses a danger to you, to the baby and to your 2 elder dc. He will almost certainly check in at some point, sooner or later, and having an unstable 'bad' man find out that you lied and hid his child from him... that could end very very poorly, couldn't it?

You need to centre your 2 elder dc. What is the best decision for them? Fess up to their father, because this situation could blow up and he needs to he aware of the potential danger to his dc.

There are far too many ways he could find out, if he wanted to. Or simply by accident. Through a mutual acquaintance that you know nothing of. Who knows? It's a gamble.

If he finds out... and there is no conviction (and there is almost never a conviction for rape or sexual assault, sadly) .. he could demand parental rights in court. Controlling men like to control. Misogynists like to make life hell for women, dc be damned.

I totally understand why you came up with this plan. I do think that mentioning an abortion is booked, then blocking, is a good enough start. Because when he finds out later you can say you changed your mind and didn't think to tell him as he wanted no part. You thought you were doing him a kindness, etc.

But you need to face the fact that having a this man's baby ties him to your family for the rest of your lives in ways you cannot now predict.

That poor baby who never asked to be here caught up in the middle of a right mess!!!