Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

[hsjksndsj]

Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

Keep him out your life, don’t tell anyone he is the father and as your child grows give small bits of info, as little as they need about why their father isn’t in their life. As they grow it’s possible to be honest in a gentle way that allows their self esteem remain intact.

This is sensible advice OP. This guy may never leave you alone

Oh my.

(I'm channelling my inner George Takei voice)

You slept with him, you made the baby together. The baby deserves to know both parents. You are wrong to hide it from him.

If he has a mental health condition that contributes to him being an awful person then your child may inherit some characteristics you don’t like.
you cannot lie to someone pretending you had an abortion. It’s illegal.
your child does not deserve this ridiculous situation either.
you sound incredibly emotionally immature suggesting this stuff. Please have an abortion. This sounds like the wrong time to have a baby by the wrong man

Abortion sounds like it’s the best option for the child. Have you actually stopped to think about the situation you’re creating for them?

Absolutely lie. And in the future tell your child it was a one night stand and when you were in somewhere like Paris.

You do not need this man in your life and he says he doesn't want to be involved now, but what if he changes his mind and goes for custody in 5 years?

Lie to everyone. It is the best thing.

You can't have an addict around your precious baby.

My sister was adopted into our family due to a situation like yours. The father was an addict and then actually got high and tried to kidnap her before spending several years in jail.

Please trust your instincts. Ignore PPs who have a romantic view on what you should do.

No father is better than an abusive addict.

Exactly. This is a not uncommon story.

OP backtracking, unsuccessfully. I feel sorry for her children. What a mess.

I agree with @Rainbow1901 that if you going to keep the baby, just block him and don’t lie about having an abortion. Cut him out of your life and don’t say anything at all.
Presumably you’ve already determined that you can manage practically and financially as unlike your older children, you’ll be bringing up this baby solo?

The op is prepared to lie so yes she's right assuming she believes all women are like her

It's an insane idea to have this mans baby.

Hold on.

Did you just say that a lot of women lie??? About sexual crimes???

You need serious help. Get therapy and work on your internalised misogyny before you even consider bringing a baby into the world.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Rape and sexual assault conviction rates are not at 1% because women lie.
It is because we live in a deeply misogynistic, patriarchal society where if the woman isn't a perfect victim, she's a whore who doesn't deserve justice.

OP has consistently said she wants this baby. The comments about abortion are not helpful given that she has made the decision to continue with the pregnancy.

I haven’t read the full thread, but I don’t understand why you would want to keep this pregnancy. There’s always the nature vs nurture debate but, IMO, the likelihood is that the problems of the father will manifest in the child.

And if his toxic family find out (and it’s likely they will) that their niece / nephew / grandchild exists then they’ll be in your business whether you like it or not and will encourage him to get involved.

I can’t see the upside here.

It's also 50% his. Personally, there is no way I'd let myself get tied to a person like that in that way, especially when I had other kids to think of.

It would be very wrong to pretend to someone else that they are the father if you know they aren’t - wrong to both the man and the child. It would also be wrong to lie to the child about knowing who their father is.

What if the child needs to know about family medical history? What if they grow up looking just like their real father? What if they find at age 18 that you’ve been lying to them all their life?

Of course it’s up to you. But I know what I’d do.

Problem is, there is a father. He lives in the same city. And he knows about the baby.

And do not ever lie to the child. You can withhold some information when the dc is young and explain the dangers. But do not be caught in such a fundamental lie to your own child.

The great thing about these forums is that you get absolute honesty. It can be nasty, yes, but you also get to hear what people around you would tell you if they weren't afraid of the repercussions.

She asked for advice.

She has created a car crash here , her excuse being that "she just wants love" -or in other words she wants irresponsible shagging(setting aside the pregnancy she has had unprotected sex with 2 men -is the OP unaware of STDs ?) which is more important than her existing children.

I can't see any way out of this car crash other than a termination.

@hsjksndsj In your shoes, I'd have an abortion. This is not a good place to bring a new baby into. The biological father wants nothing to do with it and is a prize cunt. I was the daughter of a single mother with a cunt biological father. It wasn't a happy childhood.

I do not feel embarrassed in the slightest. I have never had to do a dna test to tell whose child I am carrying. I feel pretty good.

And I get that....

But she has been clear she is not going to have a termination. Her mind is already made up and given this I think commenting on having one is futile.

She asked specifically for advice about whether to lie to the baby's father about having had a termination.

@hsjksndsj ignoring the judgey posts above ( and the "women never lie" rubbish...). I have to say that with 2 existing children in the picture, you may have to consider a termination. Hiding a baby from an abusive father is one thing, especially as he already knows you're pregnant with his baby, but he may put your other two in danger too. You're looking at lifetime of one child wondering where their dad is, even if you're honest with them. And a lifetime of looking over your shoulder in case he shows up and decides to cause trouble. And he sounds like the sort that probably would. Please think of your other children.

A decision based on no rational thought. Here's what OP says about biological dad.

"Of course my baby is entitled to have a relationship with their father. But a baby cannot protect itself from bad people. That’s my job to protect my baby from a potential rapist. What kind of mother would I be to allow a man like that to raise my child. More than happy to be honest with my baby when they’re a mature adult. I would never not tell them who their dad is. But a young child needs protection even if that’s from its own father."

Biological dad could step in at any time and demand visiting rights.

If I were the foetus here, I'd really rather not be born.

Exactly. And especially if the baby is a boy, he may well decide that the sun shines out of his father's and use him as a role model. (Possible with a girl, but seems less likely).