Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

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Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

If I were hurtling headlong into an extremely painful situation, I'd probably want people to point it out.

The assessment of her situation should take account of her living situation, her relarionship situation which absolutely should include the impact on her existing children.

Nothing the OP has said shows she has given even a passing thought to them. Decisions don't exist in a vacuum.

There is nothing to congratulate here.

@IButtleSir Are the wants of the Mother more important than the impact of her decisions on the entire life of the unborn child? Not to mention the existing children?

Different situations, but would you cheer on a Woman who (for example; and not suggesting the OPs situation is comparable) had a drug addiction, or was living in a squat, or determined to stay with a violent Man and firmly didn't want an abortion? Or would you suggest that it might not be best for the child, or her, to bring new life into that?

The wants of the Mother are obviously important, but I don't think that they always trump the needs and rights of the child.

You can't bring children in to the world and deprive them of knowing their dad and families, I'm sorry but it's wrong. If he's such a piece of work then that's a mistake on your part, but your child deserves to have the opportunity of a relationship with even their extended family. You would be starting your child off with an abnormal, dysfunctional set up in life and eventually those questions will come..

Ah yes, because abortion is famously a pain-free situation.

And why should your assessment of her situation carry any weight whatsoever? Do you not trust women to be able to accurately assess their own situations? Should there be independent assessors who decide whether or not each pregnancy should end in abortion?

Wow, it's a bit extreme to suggest that it's better for a child to not be born than to be born into a difficult situation. There are circumstances in which you might say "I'd rather be dead"; I'm not sure having an absent father is one of them.

I would 'cheer on' the right of any woman to decide whether or not she has an abortion, without having to take into account the opinions of strangers on the internet, yes. I would have thought that was rather a basic tenet of feminism.

Also, your username is very appropriate:

Are the wants of the Mother more important than the impact of her decisions on the entire life of the unborn child? Not to mention the existing children?

Your audacity in assuming you have a better grasp of the impact of a woman's decision on her own children than she does is arrogant in the extreme. I hope you'd be happy with strangers on the internet making decisions about what is best for your children; if not, you're an utter hypocrite.

@IButtleSir And to hell with the child's right to a stable and safe start in life? If feminism includes wilfully bringing innocent children into dangerous and chaotic situations then I don't think feminism is for me after all.

To clarify, I do not think the OP's situation is as extreme as the examples I gave, but it's far from ideal and I do believe the future impact on the child of a potentially dangerous criminal father, denial of their family and catastrophic lies told by their mother should be a consideration.

If the OP didn't want the opinions of strangers on the internet then she could simply not have asked for them...

He says he doesn’t want to be be involved but you can’t trust him. If he finds out you have gone ahead he can go for 50:50 custody. What will you do then sending your child to an abuser half the time.

I presume he knows where you live, in which case the make this work you need to move or even change job too. Otherwise the chance is he will find out

IButtleSir is "cheering on" the right of a woman to be selfish and irresponsible and to take no account of the needs of her children. And because OP is a woman everyone else should cheer on and support selfish, narcissistic decisions.

I read through all the OP's posts. She said this

I obviously want to be with the other man but unfortunately it’s not his and I doubt he will want me now

and this
I didn’t want to test the nice guy because I didn’t want to hurt him or upset him.

before she even made a passing mention of her 2 existing children and the effect on them. Of course the OP was just looking for love, so that excuses her irresponsible behaviour.

And who are you to say that the OP can't give the child a stable and safe start in life? Who are you to say that it would be better for this child never to exist than to have a less-than-perfect start to their existence?

The OP is not 'wilfully bringing an innocent child into a dangerous and chaotic situation'; she is already pregnant with the potential of that innocent child, and she has made the decision not to go through a traumatic and risky procedure to end the potential life of a child she wants.

At no point did the OP ask for the opinions of strangers on the internet regarding whether or not she should abort her baby.

@IButtleSir I'll add that I happen to have a very good grasp of the long term impact on a child with a totally absent father, and one who was lied to and denied their own family connections 'because we decided it was for the best'.

The naivety of the OP in assuming it'll all be fine and the bloke will never be any the wiser and the child will just happily accept it and understand is absolutely staggering.

I'm cheering on the right of a woman to not go through a traumatic and risky medical procedure to end the life of a foetus that will develop into a baby she wants and will love and care for.

If you think that reflects badly on me, then I suggest that says a lot more about you than it does about me.

And does the child in question wish they had been aborted at the say-so of a stranger, against their mother's wishes?

I'm not for a second saying the OP's plan is a good one, but to jump straight to 'your plan is shit, so have an abortion instead' is insane logic.

@IButtleSir Well I'd never have known any different would I, frankly?

As you appear unable to grasp, my extreme examples are in answer to your insistence that the Mother's wants should always trump everything no matter what, and do not relate directly to the OP. It's you I'm disagreeing with in these recent responses, not the OP.

That does't mean I don't think the OP should properly consider the 3 children in her decision making as she decides to inextricably tie them all to this alleged sex offender for the rest of their lives, and creates a web of lies around that.

I have at no point in this thread said I think the OP should have an abortion. I've offered angles to consider that she doesn't seem to be considering.

As you appear unable to grasp, my extreme examples are in answer to your insistence that the Mother's wants should always trump everything no matter what, and do not relate directly to the OP. It's you I'm disagreeing with in these recent responses, not the OP.

That's the point which is sailing over IButtle's head.

If this man is as mentally unwell as you have painted him, then his child may well inherit his genetics. Do you really want to be bringing a potential ticking time bomb into the lives of your existing children. Why are you not thinking of them in this situation? They could be in danger one day if the new baby’s father shows up in the future angry that you lied to him..

Do you not trust women to be able to accurately assess their own situations?

That's such a meaningless statement but it's regularly chucked out as some sort of trump card- no matter how selfish, irresponsible or narcissitic the behaviour.

Can you legally draw up an agreemant, that he signs over all resposibility for parenting to you? That he relinquishes parental responsibility?
Rather than lie, I think cutting all ties would be best.

Your child will want to know the truth when older.
You have valid reasons for keeping your child safe.

You can't make someone waive parental rights. And he does have rights.

It doesn't work that way

Thankfully

As you appear unable to grasp, my extreme examples are in answer to your insistence that the Mother's wants should always trump everything no matter what, and do not relate directly to the OP. It's you I'm disagreeing with in these recent responses, not the OP.

The logical end point of what you are suggesting is forced abortion. Are you genuinely advocating for that?

In extreme cases, where the mother is unable to safely care for her baby, there is already a safeguard: the baby is removed from her care.

Of course that is far from ideal, but I'd take that over a world where abortions are forced on women against their will.

It's a question, not a statement, and the fact that you are unable to answer it doesn't make it meaningless.

I note that you've ignored the other questions I asked.