Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

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Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

No one is suggesting forced abortions so stop making that up?

To answer your "question" - no, why on earth should every single decision made by a woman be respected and trusted as being right ?.

Here for example the OP made the remarkably stupid decision to have unprotected sex with 2 men, at least one of whom was clearly not in a monogomous relationship with her. On top of everything else, she risks STDs.

Reading her posts, her looking for love (looking for cock) gets more prominence than the effects of her actions on her existing children. A decision to have another baby should, if a woman is being responsible, take account of the children she already has.

Nothing any one can do of course, if she refuses to factor that in, but I'm not going to cheer lead and congratulate stupidity and selfishness just because the person is a woman.

@IButtleSir Not one person here is advocating forced abortion. Many people here are advocating consideration of the reality of the next 18+ years if she goes ahead with the pregnancy. Reality that has the potential for all kinds of problems and even dangers that the OP is brushing under the carpet with 'well my family are lovely and not toxic' so it'll all be fine.

Personally I'd say that lying to a Man about having his child and then denying said child half of their family is pretty toxic in itself, but what do i know?

my extreme examples are in answer to your insistence that the Mother's wants should always trump everything no matter what

In the comment above, the poster (possibly you, I can't remember) is saying that they disagree with my assertion that, in the specific case of whether or not a woman should have an abortion, is it her wants which which should trump everything else. So if a woman's desire to keep her baby shouldn't trump everything else, what should? Someone else's desire for her to have an abortion? Against her will? Do you not see how this sounds like advocating for forced abortion?

why on earth should every single decision made by a woman be respected and trusted as being right ?

Not every single decision. Simply the decision about whether she aborts a pregnancy or carries it to term. That is a very specific decision which, whichever option she chooses, has a huge impact on her physical and mental health.

I'm not for a second saying that the OP has behaved sensibly and responsibly here: far from it. What I'm saying is that telling her she should be having an abortion, when she has repeatedly stated she doesn't want one, is inexcusable.

I'll copy and paste part of my response to another poster.

You said, my extreme examples are in answer to your insistence that the Mother's wants should always trump everything no matter what

You are disagreeing* with my assertion that, in the specific case of whether or not a woman should have an abortion, is it her wants which which should trump everything else. So if a woman's desire to keep her baby shouldn't* trump everything else, what should? Someone else's desire for her to have an abortion? Against her will? Do you not see how this sounds like advocating for forced abortion?

Again, at no point have I said that the OP has behaved sensibly and responsibly here, but that does not excuse telling her she should have an abortion when she has repeatedly said she doesn't want one.

I'm going to say it again very slowly for you @IButtleSir .

THE RIGHTS AND NEEDS OF ANY CHILD TO A DECENT, SAFE AND STABLE START TO LIFE ARE EASILY AT LEAST EQUAL TO THE WANTS OF THE MOTHER.

If she (and/or the father if he's in the picture) isn't in a position to provide that then HER assessment of the situation and HER decision needs to take into account more than simply how much SHE wants a baby. There are sadly so many people that don't seem to look past their little squishy baby and see that the baby will have the entire rest of their life to live with the consequences of whatever the chaotic situation they're brought into is.

In the OP's case (again, I acknowledge it's less extreme than my earlier examples) her decision seems to rest on 'I want a baby and my family is nice so it'll all be fine' without much thought for how the child of an alleged rapist with half a family will feel about things in the future, and far more importantly the potential for aforementioned alleged rapist to turn up at any time, angry at being lied to, putting in a claim for the parental rights that he's perfectly entitled to, and causing serious trouble for everyone.

In the comment above, the poster (possibly you, I can't remember) is saying that they disagree with my assertion that, in the specific case of whether or not a woman should have an abortion, is it her wants which which should trump everything else. So if a woman's desire to keep her baby shouldn't trump everything else, what should? Someone else's desire for her to have an abortion? Against her will? Do you not see how this sounds like advocating for forced abortion?

No one, apart from you, has talked about forced abortion.

I do not think a woman's want to keep a baby should, if a woman is putting her children, existing or potential, trump every other consideration by a woman as to whether or not to continue with a pregnancy. It's quite some leap to turn that into "advocating forced abortion" .

What I am advocating is think about it- consider that her own, possibly selfish wants, are less important than the needs of her children.

Oh and btw your response to Audacity that in the circumstances she outlined, it's all fine because social services will pick up the mess was truly awful.

I'm going to say it again very slowly for you

You realise this doesn't make any sense when you're typing, right? I'm also not sure what you're trying to achieve by typing in all-caps, as that's actually harder to read that if you had written it normally.

We're clearly not going to agree, and it's hard to take you seriously when you seem intent on implying I'm unintelligent rather than just accepting that I disagree with you, so let's just leave it there.

Oh and btw your response to Audacity that in the circumstances she outlined, it's all fine because social services will pick up the mess was truly awful.

Don't be ridiculous. That is absolutely not what I wrote, and you know it. I wrote:

In extreme cases, where the mother is unable to safely care for her baby, there is already a safeguard: the baby is removed from her care.

Of course that is far from ideal, but I'd take that over a world where abortions are forced on women against their will.

Saying something is 'far from ideal but preferable to forced abortions' is not remotely the same as saying it's fine.

But literally nobody is talking about forced abortions @IButtleSir.

We're saying that in some circumstances, however much the Women wants a baby, her decision should be based on what is or would be in the very best interests of the baby rather than solely on what she wants. That's all. Sometimes in extreme circumstances and awful as it is, what's really best is for there not to be a baby.

You're repeatedly disagreeing with something I'm not saying and have never said, so it's hard to come to any other conclusion than you're not the sharpest tool in the box.

Bodily freedom means that OP has a right to choose to have an abortion or not.

It does not make her immune to the consequences. And it does not preclude others from having an opinion on her decision, especially when she writes about it on a public forum.

No one apart from you, is talking about forced abortions.

As LameBorzoi says

Bodily freedom means that OP has a right to choose to have an abortion or not.

It does not make her immune to the consequences. And it does not preclude others from having an opinion on her decision, especially when she writes about it on a public forum.

Right, so you're just going to totally ignore the fact that you lied about what I said, are you? In favour of repeating a point you have already made?

I think we're done here, don't you?

You're repeatedly disagreeing with something I'm not saying and have never said, so it's hard to come to any other conclusion than you're not the sharpest tool in the box.

I'm disagreeing with the fact that anyone other than the woman in question is best placed to decide whether or not she should have an abortion.

I understand that you don't believe you are advocating forced abortions, but your idea that others- in this case, strangers on the internet- are in a better place to make a decision about a pregnancy than the woman who is pregnant is a dangerous one.

If it makes you feel better about yourself to think that I lack intelligence, go right ahead, but it may be worth considering that someone disagreeing with you does not make them stupid.

Having the opinion that someone should have an abortion is fine.

Expressing that opinion to the woman in question, when she has not asked for your opinion and has repeatedly said she does not want to have an abortion is, to me, appalling behaviour.

Clearly, you disagree.

And we're arguing that some Women in some circumstances should make more informed, considered and rational decisions based on what is best for the baby (and any existing children) when it comes to whether to continue a pregnancy. Whether or not the Woman wants a baby is not the only consideration when the circumstances aren't straightforward.

Nobody, nobody at all, is making any kind of suggestion that anyone else should make the decision for her, you've invented that whole scenario.

Anyway it's like banging my head against a brick wall so I'm out.

Best case scenario; he goes to prison for a long time. Problem solved

How is that 'problem solved'?

Firstly that's very unlikely as convictions for sexual offences are extremely low.

Secondly even if it did happen, it's just 'problem delayed' until child is old enough to start searching for parent themselves via social media and whatever, by which time parent is almost certainly no longer in prison.

Still happens though, there's a sex offenders prison not that far from here and I know two people who've worked there.