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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

268 replies

hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 19:38

Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

OP posts:
CerealPosterHere · 22/02/2025 19:42

id certainly do that. He doesn’t seem like he’d be worth having in your baby’s life. I guess the only issue is what do you tell your kid when they are older? Do you lie to them too? Because chances are they’ll find out one day you lied to them. Or you tell them the truth and when they’re old enough they go looking for their dad.

TheVeryAudacity · 22/02/2025 19:48

I'd be very, very careful. I've seen two families absolutely ripped apart when lies like this came out years down the line.

No matter how toxic you know he is it's very likely that your child will be curious about him at some stage and has every right to know who their Dad is. If they then go on to track him down and your lie is uncovered then all hell could break loose and you wouldn't necessarily come out of it covered in glory.

gamerchick · 22/02/2025 19:50

Those prenatal tests aren't really that reliable though. You can't be sure until you get the DNA test done.

Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 19:55

The one I paid for was very expensive and is almost 100% reliable and based on my ovulation dates the result does make sense. However you never know so I suppose I’d see when the baby arrives.

OP posts:
Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 19:56

I would just have to be honest with my child and tell them I did what I thought was best for their well being. He doesn’t want involvement anyway and I don’t want him to either.

OP posts:
OwlInTheOak · 22/02/2025 19:58

That sounds like the safest thing for now. But don't ever lie to your child about it, explain throughout in an age appropriate way that their dad wasn't able to be a dad and doesn't know about them, and be aware they will have the right as an older teenager or adult to then start contact.

ForLoyalBiscuit · 22/02/2025 20:01

You should not tell the father that you had an abortion if you intend to keep the child. What if in the future your child needed a bone marrow transplant. Like it or not his biological family could save his or her life one day. Lies do have a habit of back firing in a truly horrible way. I say don't do it

Snorlaxo · 22/02/2025 20:01

Yanbu to not want the dad in your child’s life but are you willing to hide from any of your ex’s friends and family so he never finds out ? You’d have to delete and never post on social media, never fall out with anyone who knows your secret, keep track of where ex and mutual friends work so you don’t bump into people… Plus there’s the very real risk that your child will look for their dad on social media once they are older. They will have romanticised how great their dad is because you’ll probably downplay how awful he is to spare the child’s feelings and would have the right to choose to live with dad once they are an age where courts would allow it. Unless he’s guilty of child related offences then he would get some contact if he jumped through the right hoops and sometimes in these cases the grandparents would fund and push for contact.
If you are going to have the baby then I’d deregister from social media, change my name and move away so that there were fewer ties to the past. I also wouldn’t be continuing a friendship with you ex. As you fear, he’d have a right to pop up at any time and demand contact and he’d get it unless his crime is child related.

RedHelenB · 22/02/2025 20:02

He needs to know the truth. As does the child when it's born. Personally in yoyr situation I'd have an abortion and wait to have a baby until I met someone more reliable

Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:03

I wouldn’t lie to my child and would definitely explain in an age appropriate way. Of course if anything health related came up then I would have to contact his paternal family. But for now I think the safest option is to cut all contact so we can have a risk free life without an abuser.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 22/02/2025 20:04

Can you move far enough away?

Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:05

we Only dated for 4 months and he never introduced me to his friends or family so I don’t know them and they don’t know me. And we never had eachother on social media.

OP posts:
Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:06

Abortion is out of the option for me. I’m 12 weeks now and it’s not something I’d ever want to do anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:07

No I can’t move. I have two children with my ex husband and we share custody.

OP posts:
ForLoyalBiscuit · 22/02/2025 20:07

Why, if you lie to the father would he be prepared to cooperate if you needed help in a medical situation? You are being very presumptuous and a bit arrogant. As a poster above pointed out, you would have to be so careful with your social media not to give the game away. You are playing with fire.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 22/02/2025 20:07

I can see the temptation. But i wouldn't lie as such. I'd imply it's what i'd done. So tell him you understand his point. You're unsure if you can do it alone so will be exploring the obvious option. Then block.

How pregnant are you? It's quite possible if you aborted you'd be pregnant again within a few months. Anyone who sees you pregnant/with a young baby won't know your exact gestation or babies age. Easy to say its a new mans. Just be prepared for that. If he's not wanting a child anyway doubtful he'd push to actually find out. But you have to be sure you never want contact or maintaince.

Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:09

ForLoyalBiscuit · 22/02/2025 20:07

Why, if you lie to the father would he be prepared to cooperate if you needed help in a medical situation? You are being very presumptuous and a bit arrogant. As a poster above pointed out, you would have to be so careful with your social media not to give the game away. You are playing with fire.

My social media is private and we don’t have any mutual friends. He’s never met my family and I’ve not met his. The only risk is bumping into him. He would definitely help yes and would understand why I made the choice I have. He knows he’s a bad person. I’m definitely not being arrogant I just want to protect my baby from an abusive toxic family.

OP posts:
Strawber · 22/02/2025 20:10

I wouldn't outright lie however you could say you have an appointment booked for an abortion and then leave it at that. Doesn't mean you went to the appointment

Also in the real world how many women cut contact with the baby's dad like come on people with the bone marrow comments ffs

Nooa · 22/02/2025 20:10

I understand why you would do this. But I think you need to move away. The chance of getting caught out is too high if you are in the same city. You could always move back in future if he does leave.
When you have had the baby and are fully overwhelmed with love for it, you would do anything to protect it, and the inconvenience of moving won't seem so bad when you consider the possibility of them being regularly exposed to an abuser if you stay.

BUT if you are having a child, whether this one or any in future, you need to work on yourself so you don't get into another relationship with a sub-par human. There are courses you can do to help you spot the signs and protect yourself.

Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:14

Strawber · 22/02/2025 20:10

I wouldn't outright lie however you could say you have an appointment booked for an abortion and then leave it at that. Doesn't mean you went to the appointment

Also in the real world how many women cut contact with the baby's dad like come on people with the bone marrow comments ffs

Thank you, I don’t expect everyone to agree but I’m frightened and scared for the future. He’s said he’s never bother to fight for contact but how can I trust a man that’s being investigated for a sexual crime he may be guilty of. He says he’s not but he’s clearly unwell mentally. It’s complicated but I do believe his family would cooperate if anything medical came about. He would also understand why I lied to him. He’s the one encouraging me to lie to another man and tell him it’s his baby and to let another man raise it!

OP posts:
Nooa · 22/02/2025 20:14

And yes the bone marrow thing is ridiculous. You have three choices:
.Abort baby. Baby never lives.
.Have baby and tell father. High chance baby is abused.
.Have baby and don't tell father. Tiny tiny chance baby might need bone marrow one day and you can't find the father/have to fess up.

High chance of abuse versus tiny chance of needing bone marrow...hmm....

Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:15

Nooa · 22/02/2025 20:10

I understand why you would do this. But I think you need to move away. The chance of getting caught out is too high if you are in the same city. You could always move back in future if he does leave.
When you have had the baby and are fully overwhelmed with love for it, you would do anything to protect it, and the inconvenience of moving won't seem so bad when you consider the possibility of them being regularly exposed to an abuser if you stay.

BUT if you are having a child, whether this one or any in future, you need to work on yourself so you don't get into another relationship with a sub-par human. There are courses you can do to help you spot the signs and protect yourself.

Ive definitely started to heal from what he did and Id never let someone treat me that way normally. However like I said he’s very clever at lying and pretending to be a good person. He made me feel sorry for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:17

Nooa · 22/02/2025 20:14

And yes the bone marrow thing is ridiculous. You have three choices:
.Abort baby. Baby never lives.
.Have baby and tell father. High chance baby is abused.
.Have baby and don't tell father. Tiny tiny chance baby might need bone marrow one day and you can't find the father/have to fess up.

High chance of abuse versus tiny chance of needing bone marrow...hmm....

Exactly my point. The pros out weigh the cons. My baby will be so loved by me and my ‘normal’ family. No toxicity.

I went to see him tbe other day to talk about the results and he was trying to come on to me then and encourage me to have sex with him one last time. He’s an addict with no morals.

OP posts:
Never2many · 22/02/2025 20:17

hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:03

I wouldn’t lie to my child and would definitely explain in an age appropriate way. Of course if anything health related came up then I would have to contact his paternal family. But for now I think the safest option is to cut all contact so we can have a risk free life without an abuser.

And tell them what? “Remember I said I had an abortion? I lied, and now here is your biological child/grandchild/niece/nephew please will you be tested to see if you can be a bone marrow/kidney donor.”

If you’re going to tell them you’ve had an abortion then that’s it. You can’t go back to them if things go wrong for you or for your child. “I’ve had an abortion” means relationship over, forever. Hiding from his friends/family.

Personally I would actually have the abortion.

RIPVPROG · 22/02/2025 20:17

hsjksndsj · 22/02/2025 20:14

Thank you, I don’t expect everyone to agree but I’m frightened and scared for the future. He’s said he’s never bother to fight for contact but how can I trust a man that’s being investigated for a sexual crime he may be guilty of. He says he’s not but he’s clearly unwell mentally. It’s complicated but I do believe his family would cooperate if anything medical came about. He would also understand why I lied to him. He’s the one encouraging me to lie to another man and tell him it’s his baby and to let another man raise it!

Show quote history

Wait until the baby is born, say you want to confirm paternity as prenatal test not reliable etc, then tell him he's not the father. He'll believe you because he doesn't want the baby and doesn't want to pay for it, so it's suits him. Then move.

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