Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

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Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

People inside have phones, mates being released and contact with family and friends on the out.

He’s been investigated for nearly a year now. It’s a crime that’s hard to prove as a lot of women lie. Originally he made me feel sorry for him and I didn’t believe he would be capable of what he’s being investigated for but now I’m out I’m seeing things more clearly. I can’t be certain.

He sounds dangerous op. If you can't move away and start a new life, which understandably you can't, I'd probably not have this baby.

I thought 12 weeks was guidance but actually you can terminate later than this?

Are you still with the other man despite being pregnant with someone else’s child ?

Whatever excuse you give the bio father and however you handle the situation we are in the age of DNA and genealogy is one of the most popular pastimes so you need to have a clear plan for how you will cope with the situation in the future. If your child or any of his children ever get tested through an online genealogy company such as Ancestry then the bio dad’s DNA relatives up to about 5 degrees may be advised of the relationship. From there it would be easy for bio dad’s close relatives to work out he has a child.

He’s not physically dangerous just emotionally and mentally. Which is just as bad of course. You’d never think though he seems a nice guy but hides a lot of demons. I felt sorry for him.

He's an abuser , he will make your life a misery.
Also it's not up to him to decide if he pays maintenance.

But those with convictions for sexual offenses are not allowed to see their children whenever they wish without the consent of the other parent.

Of course, I know I can’t claim but I don’t want to.

None of that changes the fact that he can't actually be involved in the baby's life if he is in prison.

Sorry, that’s just naive.
And even if he gets a ten-stretch he could be out before the child starts school.

It’s a crime that’s hard to prove as a lot of women lie.

I sympathise with the situation you're in, but fucking hell, what a crock of misogynistic shite.

And then he's a man on the sex offender's register with a criminal record, so realistically, he's not going to be allowed much access to the child.

And how is it naive to point out that an incarcerated person can't have access to their child? He can't bloody teleport, can he?

This is why I’m suggesting telling him I’ve had an abortion/booked an abortion and blocking him. We don’t have any mutual friends and we’ve never met anyone in each others life. I’ve also never bumped into him before so it’s a small risk.

OP, while I absolutely understand your thought process and your desire to protect your child from a very unpleasant man, I do think it’s a bit naive to just assume that your child will be fine with what you’ve done and will understand. Children who only have one parent will always be curious and will always want to know why. As they get older, many of them will want to attempt to at least meet their other parent, in the hope of building a relationship with them. If you go through with this, one day you will have to explain to your child that their dad believes they don’t exist. This will be incredibly painful for them to hear. It doesn’t matter if you try to explain to them that their dad is literally the worst human being on the planet. They won’t hear that. What they will hear is ‘my mum has denied my dad the opportunity to get to know me, and me to know him’.

If you try to explain that even before the abortion lie, their dad had already told you he didn’t want to be involved in their life, firstly that’s going to cause them even more pain, and secondly they may even think you’re lying - you lied about the abortion, so why couldn’t you be lying about this too? While you’re absolutely right in the sense of logically, being told this man is an abuser and a criminal and you did what you did to protect them is 100% understandable, logic goes completely out the window when emotions are involved, and there is absolutely no doubt that this would be an incredibly emotional conversation for your child. I just think that if you do this, you need to 100% prepare yourself for what could happen down the line - including the complete breakdown of your relationship with your child due to the lie and keeping them from their father, and their father from them - even if your reasons were genuinely good ones. Just assuming that your child will ‘understand’ I think is a really naive stance that could set you up for serious heartbreak in the future.

No I agree it’s awful! Some women do lie about it but it must be a very small percentage and it’s so hard to prove. It must be really difficult for women to go through but also brave to hold someone so vile accountable. Men get away with it so much.

How is there a high chance of abuse, that assumes that OP is going to be irresponsible and not arrange her life and get her ducks in a row so that she protects her child. Im sure she is able to do that.

Lies make their way back very very easily, its not worth it because in any later association with his family you'll look untrustworthy.

A wise person once said, never expect to get either justice or fairness in the British courts. All you get is law.

How does that mean that he would be involved in the child's life?

The father’s involvement ultimately isn’t your choice. If you are having the baby, he can decide to check if the baby was born and petition the court for a dna test.

You are gambling that he will believe you ended the pregnancy. you are gambling that he won’t change his mind and press to establish parentage.

If it doesn't involve children he would be able to. Even cases of SA against the mother doesn't stop contact with the children if there's been no direct harm to them proven.

Your exact words were, "a lot of women lie". I presume you are talking about rape. It is absolute bullshit that a lot of women lie about having been raped. Why did you say that when you are now saying, "Some women do lie about it but it must be a very small percentage"?

OP I'd suggest you move home even if you can't move area. Leave no forwarding address. It sounds like he doesn't have any overlapping friends or local inks with you.

Is he not physically dangerous or is he a [potential] sex offender, because I don't see how both things can apply?

From the child’s perspective - my mother moved our family away from her abusive husband when I was very young. She told me and a similar-aged sibling that he was dead. I figured out this was a lie when I was seven-ish (I found some documents when snooping about) and immediately realised that “dead” just meant “someone we must never talk about.”

From context clues along the way I worked out that he was a violent alcoholic. I never asked questions because he was someone we must never talk about.

Did this mess me up? A little! As a teen I worried about sleeping with a half sibling or cousin I didn’t know I had. I also found some newspaper clippings about father’s youthful achievements (nothing bad at all) and had a real wobble. (Why did my mother keep all these documents just sitting about is the real question.)

I think it messed my sibling up more - they never joined the dots (I was a bright and nosy child), and our third, much older sibling sat us down and “told us the truth” when we were in our late teens.

Lasting effects - I see and acknowledge that I am better off never having known my father. As an adult, I do not want to know him. However, there is an entire, populous branch of my family who just … don’t exist for me? It’s odd.

It’s also made me very quick to cut people off. I will hold a grudge for years and years. I cut off my mother for a long time (unrelated reasons) but this was behaviour she modelled to me and it is something I’m working on moving away from.

Sorry for the long post! Executive summary: I’m better off to have been raised away from a terrible father. It caused some issues but fewer than having him around.