Telling babies biological dad I’m not keeping the baby so he leaves us alone.

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Hello. So I’ve got myself into a pretty messed up situation and I don’t know who else to talk to about this.

Im currently pregnant and I did a prenatal DNA test to prove paternity as there was a cross over between two people I dated.

Unfortunately I didn’t get the result I hoped for a babies dad isn’t a very nice person. He was emotionally abusive, a gaslighter, compulsive liar, lustful, extremely calculated and manipulative and basically used me and led me on for 4 months. He’s also currently being investigated for something very serious and if proven guilty he will be behind bars for years. Anyway it’s hard because he seems so nice and normal to all his friends and family but he treats women like shit and doesn’t take accountability for his actions. I do think he’s a narcissist. He’s very clever. He took the dna test for me and I’ve told him the results. He’s been nice to me about it but has been encouraging me to have an abortion and has said if I keep the baby then he doesn’t want to be a part of it. He still would like to keep in touch though and make sure we’re both ok and receive updates. But no contact or child maintenance. He’s also encouraging me to lie to the other man I dated and say it’s his baby. That’s another thing I need to face but for now I need to focus on the situation with my babies father. I don’t think he’s mentally well enough anyway to be a father and I know he’s saying he doesn’t want involvement now but how do I know he’s not going to pop back up in years time wanting contact again or if his family come after me. Hes told his brother but not his mum and dad and plans on never telling them. So basically keeping his baby a secret. His brother is a lawyer. His mum was emotionally abused by their father and has stayed with him all these years even though he’s treated her like shit. So basically my babies father has grew up watching his mum be in a toxic relationship and this also effected his relationship with his dad. Guess this is why he’s a piece of work. Sorry for rambling but I’m trying to make the best decision for my baby. So what I’m thinking is to now tell my babies father than I’ve had an abortion and then to block him for good. I really don’t want this horrible person in our life and there’s no way he’d make a good dad yet if at all. I promise you all he is unwell and so toxic. I’d rather my baby grow up with my loving family and to have a dad/step dad that loves him.

thank you for reading this far, it’s a very scary time at the moment and I just want to protect my baby from toxic people even if that’s his biological dad. I also think I could get away with it by blocking him on everything and keeping this pregnancy private. We do live in the same city but his family live two hours away and I know he will eventually move back to his home city. But it is a risk that I could bump into him.

OP I would suggest you do some therapy or the freedom programme as you have clearly become involved with someone who is dangerous and - from the sound of it a rapist. And this man managed to make you feel sorry for him.

Even now you are minimising what he is by suggesting “a lot of women lie”. Which is demonstrably wrong and offensive.

Quite honestly are you really in a place to raise this child ?

I’m sorry I’m clearly not in a great headspace. There’s no need to pick up and slate me for a comment I’ve quickly made. I obviously don’t agree with the statement that a lot of women lie in just saying in uk courts that’s what the opinion is and it’s hard for women to get convictions. I’m not debating this any further my opinion is the same as yours.

I just wouldn’t lie and say you’ve had an abortion. Can you not just block him and leave it at that? It doesn’t sound like he is looking for a relationship with your child.

I just think it could cause quite a lot of issues in the future if your child found out that you had lied about aborting them.

I think you’re judging me too hard based on a few comments. I know he’s a bad person and obviously didn’t find out this information until he’d already hooked me in pretending to be a good person. I’ve cut him off and I don’t want to be with someone like him. Unfortunately I’m now pregnant and abortion isn’t an option for me.

im very mentally stable thank you and trying to think about this logically and do what’s best for my baby. Im a great mother and love my children very much and would never subject them to any toxicity. My children lead a happy normal life with me and are non the wiser to my burden.

I could definitely just block yes and he’s said he’s not interested. I’m just worried he will change his mind or try and come back.

The whole point I’m making is that he hooked you in in the first place.

I wish you the best of luck with this mess.

I just couldn't live this life, especially as you can't move. I'd be permanently anxious.

Good luck to you op

He won't have automatic parental responsibility unless he's present at the birth and/or registers the child's birth with OP, so OP wouldn't have to apply to have it "removed". He could, in future, apply for a court order to gain parental responsibility, but given his current attitude, that seems unlikely.

Yeah I'd be worried about repercussions OP - esp if he found out. He sounds like he could be dangerous. Not sure you can absolutely guarantee he wouldn't. And who wants a life looking over their shoulder, waiting if you'll cross paths again somehow or if he'll find out?

Also, as a pp suggested, please consider looking at the Freedom Programme on the Stop Domestic Abuse website x

I wouldn't lie.

I don't know who my biological father is and I think everyone deserves the right to know especially as an adult where they are from even if it's painful

If I was in your situation I would either block him or say you don't want him involved in your child's life. Don't add him to the birth certificate. If he reaches out in the future wanting contact with the baby I would tell him he would need to go through court (so they could assess the safety of this given the concerns). That's it.

I think say something like, “Hope you’re doing ok. I think I’ve decided to have an abortion. I also think it would be best if we have a clean break now so please don’t contact me again or try to get in touch. All the best with everything you have coming up, take care.”

And keep a record of the message. Then block him on everything.

What a mess to bring a child into. And is there any consideration for your existing two children in this situation?

You slept with two men in close succession, didn’t know who the dad was, and one turns out to be a sex offender awaiting conviction. If I was the other parent of your kids, I would be concerned.

Honestly, you need to focus on creating a stable life for you and your two kids here.

It's not about you but your child you are bringing in this to mess, no i am not going to put gently.... then write and essay

Children should not be in the middle of the mess adults create, when does it end?

At 12 weeks you could just say you lost the baby and goodbye. If you ever bump into him in the future you just got pregnant again quickly. You can tell your child who their father is in the future, but that he didn't want a relationship, they can find him if they want when they are an adult. Move on, the what if they need a bone marrow transplant or whatever is very unlikely and if they did close relatives are not necessarily a good enough match. Definitely a bridge to cross if ever necessary.

He won't have automatic parental responsibility unless he's present at the birth and/or registers the child's birth with OP. He could, in future, apply for a court order to gain parental responsibility, but given his current attitude, that seems unlikely.

It’s hard because he could well be innocent. But how unlikely is it that this women’s lied about a one night stand. I don’t believe a woman would lie about that but of course I know it must happen sometimes. Even if he is innocent he’s still toxic and narcissistic.

Innocent or not with the case, I still think he sounds dangerous. I wouldn't lie about an abortion.

It seems to me the best way to proceed is the path you seem to have settled on. Tell him you've booked an appointment for an abortion, then block him.

You don't want to have an abortion and you (understandably) don't want this guy in your child's life so that's a good course of action, I think. This way it also can't come back on you later that you lied and kept his child from him, as would be my worry if you told him you'd actually had an abortion when you did not. I don't know how it is in the UK but in the USA, I don't think the court would look fondly on that.

Of course you realize this plan isn't 100% solid. If he finds out you did have the baby after all and wants to get involved in the child's life sometime in the next 18 years, he can try to. However, given what he's said about it so far, that doesn't seem likely. I'd wager he'll breathe a deep sigh of relief at your "decision" and you won't hear from him again.

Now, on to enjoying your upcoming bundle of joy! Best wishes to you.

Thank you for the support :) appreciate it as there’s a lot of harsh opinions here 😅 I’m not a bad or unstable mother I was just looking for love, met a bad egg and have ended up in a shit situation. Now I’m trying to do what’s best for mine and my children’s future.

If he knows you're pregnant and you have a baby in the due month he's going to know you lied.
It's not rocket science!
It WILL get back to him, plus you're going to be showing, someone some where will see you, some one Some where will tell him!
Then starts the trouble from your not very nice baby daddy.

I would have said tell him nothing from the start....

This.

In which case I’d be keeping receipts of all the nasty messages he’s ever sent you OP. Ones that are directed at you but also anything to do with not wanting this child.

There’s no need to pick up and slate me for a comment I’ve quickly made.

Yes, there is, when the comment is so incredibly dangerous and insulting to women.

I obviously don’t agree with the statement that a lot of women lie

It's not remotely obvious that you don't agree with the statement YOU made.

Further down the line he will fuck you all up by saying he's the father and demand a dna and the other man will be destroyed by your lies and your child Will be caught in the middle.

Leave the other man alone.