Men attending NCT Antenatal classes

[lilseb]

I have a couple of silly questions. I have just booked on to NCT Antenatal classes which we can both go to, but my husband is moaning - he doesn't understand why he needs to go. In honesty, I don't know what he might learn either because it's our first baby and I haven't given birth before, but I strongly think he will be able to better support me if he is there. Problem is everyone around me is telling him it's not necessary for him to go, such as his mates who all have kids who don't seem to have gone to classes, or his mother and family members (my own mother is strongly urging him to go though). Even my midwife, who I was hoping would be back me up, said it wasn't essential. I think she was being diplomatic because of course it's difficult with work for some people, but all of these are evening and weekend so he should be able to attend.

It'd be helpful if people could explain the sort of things he might get out of it. He's saying I'll be doing all the work so doesn't know what he would be doing.
I'm thinking of compromising and asking him to just come to a couple (I'll have to ask the group leader what are the better ones to come too) but really I think he should just come to all if he doesn't have a reason for.

Then I have a stupid question - will these be too posh for my husband? He is from a very working class background, left school at 16 and works in menial labour. I've just paid £269 for all these classes and frankly worrying it might be too posh for me as well considering that wasn't an easy cost to come up with, but I am from a more young professional background. I can see him not really making any friends if he's not going to relate to any of the other men there, and I guess I have visions of a slightly overly posh teacher that might make these sessions even more off putting for him when he didn't want to go in the first place. It's partly why I think he might not get much out of it anyway?

We loved our nct classes and are still in touch with a couple of people 25 years later!
He should definitely go. They do bits of all the dads in one group and the mums in another etc.

Lots of how they can support you.

He should go.

It isn’t essential for either of you to go, the baby will come out either way.
But if you - the one carrying and giving birth to his baby - will find them helpful, and you’d like him to go, why doesn’t he want to support you?

How can he support you, your decisions, esp if there is any kind of problem of any sort, if he doesn't know what's going on? There may be stages where he is more able to speak up etc than you are. Also there's stuff about after the birth too, he can come into his own then!
It's also really interesting!
If he is a dad who cares about his wife and unborn child, he should get on with at least some of the people there.

It’s not about making friends. It’s presumably to learn about what to expect as first time parents, through the birth and beyond. Surely he doesn’t think that’s irrelevant to him? He is the parent? He is going to need to know? He isn’t already an expert? I’m afraid I’d lose respect for any man that wouldn’t want to be involved with everything to do with his first child.

I only did NHS classes, but everyone had a male partner except one woman.

Is he your birth partner? If so he needs to know your birth plan/choices and be able to advocate for you if you are out of it on pain meds. A bit part of that is understanding the various options, so I'd say classes are vital to being a successful birth partner. If he doesn't know what's going on and the risks/benefits of each potential intervention, he won't be able to do much except pat you vaguely on the back. Helpful.

My husband came with me and our entire course of 8 couples all the men were really engaged. They had a good support network and friendship separate the girls who we all became very close.

I think yes it is you doing all the work but it’s better that he understand what’s going on, and what you want and how to advocate for what you want if necessary!!!

tell him to suck it up and stop being a reverse snob and go be invested in something to help you.

also if you both participate it makes it 180 quid each rather than 260 for you!

All the dads went to all of ours, even the breastfeeding class.

It was pretty posh. Our tutor wasn’t posh - she was the sort of expected hippy Scandinavian woman with a love for nature, and a big focus on natural childbirth and wildlife. The group itself was mostly very middle class, although a lot of that is going to come down to the demographics of your class and where you live.

That said, while friends are great, he should be going for info and to support you. Friends are a great benefit and I still see half my group weekly when our kids are now 3, but again how likely that is comes down to who is in your group and how friendly they are. It’s generally another benefit for the mums, though, to have people to meet up with on maternity leave once their partners are back at work… the men in our group get on well and infact my husband is out tonight watching football with 2 dads from ours, but it’s infrequent.

He should go. There will be a range of people there and I’d be surprised if you don’t meet at least someone you get on with. He should also be aware of the basics of childbirth so that he can support you.

At my classes they occasionally took all the men out to give the women the opportunity to talk freely about their worries about shitting themselves/post birth sex/all the other things you might not want to say in front of some random bloke, so he should be ready for that.

He’ll learn about all aspects of labour and childbirth which will help him support you and advocate for you when the time comes.

You’ll also make friends which will be invaluable in the first year.

It is middle class, yes. No point sugar coating it. But he shouldn’t be such an inverse snob about people he’s not yet met and go with an open mind.

His role in the birth is to support you and to be your advocate in case of any interventions where you aren't able (for whatever reason) to articulate your wishes. He needs to know what labour involves in order to do that. At our NCT classes all the Dad's came along to all the sessions.

There are a few reasons your husband should go, including to understand what is happening so he can be an advocate for you in hospital if you're too distracted.

There's a lot of information about the actual birth, where he can learn how to best support you, but also newborn essentials like how to change a diaper, give baby a bath etc. Fwiw I found the breastfeeding class next to useless, I had a baby with a tongue tie and mastitis 8 times in the first 7 weeks, and found that particular class to be no realistic preparation for my experience.

The biggest benefit of attending the NCT classes is the social aspect. You will meet other parents local to you with the same age babies. You'll have someone to message at 2am when up feeding because they'll be doing the same thing too.

This week our DC turns 11. The best thing we did was NCT pre baby. We met a group of couples who we are still in touch with. These women will be your 3am what's app partners. It's the best money you've spent. Go together.

I did the free ones
But every one there had the dads there with them
I was the odd one out

He sounds delightful.

What will he get out of the classes? Probably nothing with the attitude he's going in with. If he grows up in the next few days then he will learn:
-About how different pain management works
-How to advocate for you
-Knowledge to discuss with you about various aspects of childbirth and how to help you make decisions
-What to expect in the first few weeks with advice about feeding, dressing, routines, sleep etc
-What can go wrong, how to be prepared for that and what decisions might need to be made in the moment

But honestly if he's still saying at this point that "you'll be doing all the work" he sounds like a lost cause. Hope he gives himself the massive kick up the arse he needs.

Of course he should go. We did stuff like massage in labour, pain relief options, feeling about the birth, acting out a c section, nappy changing, safe sleep etc there was also one session which was split into men and women.

On my course there were 8 couples all had their husbands there. My friend is a single parent and she took her mum. It’s about whoever you are having as a birth partner too if relevant. And who is caring for the baby after! We even went over stuff like parking arrangements at the local hospital

Specific things we covered in our sessions:

• bathing and dressing baby
• changing baby’s nappy
• birth options, interventions, knowing what I wanted so he could advocate for me
• Massages for labour, hand, back
• How to support me getting into other positions
• what he should bring in his bag for labour
• what he should bring for me in labour (straws, snacks)
• things he should say to me for encouragement
• how to support me with breastfeeding
• in one session, we separated and mums talked about mental health after baby and dads went and talked about mental health after baby.

There isn’t a single session that didn’t have something for him/something he needed to know even if it was just to better support me.

The content from NCT was a little rose-tinted I think, in hindsight. You’re paying for the chance to know people going through the same thing as you at the same time. The cost is turning up and getting to know each other. I don’t think you will get anything out of it if he doesn’t go because you will feel uncomfortable when all the other partners can be bothered to turn up and yours can’t. Because that’s what it boils down, he can’t be bothered.

Well if we are being realistic nothing can actual real prepare you or him for birth because as most mothers already know not every birth goes to plan nor can they really prepare you for post birth as again ever baby is different.
I think these are simple learn on the job things in life & not something that can be taught or bought!

I think he should go, even just as a support to you! It would be a nice thing to do together, and he might learn more about childbirth and caring for a baby. This would help all of you!

I’ve just signed up to antenatal classes and I’ll be going alone, but that’s only because this is baby three. He will be looking after the older ones whilst I waddle along for an update and to meet some local parents, as we are now 200 miles away from where my older two were born!

What everyone said. Everyone attended ours as a couple. Don't know if he's the kind of bloke who'll respond well to this but- if you go alone everyone's going to assume you're in some awful relationship/ he's about to do a runner.

Oh dear maybe I shouldn’t go on my own hahaha…

Does he know your birth plan preferences? Pain relief?
In the event of you being unable to say, does he understand the difference/risks between different interventions?
Does he know what to look for when to take you to hospital? In labour and when something might be wrong
Does he know about how support you in potential birthing positions?
Does he understand the support you'll need post birth?
Can he identify a good breastfeeding latch? ( My husband was invaluable for this when starting out)
Baby first aid ( this is part of nct now)

I don't understand how he isn't interested in how his child will enter the world tbh! The baby isn't your project, it's his too

I think third baby is different! But first time parents at NCT - you're all there mostly to meet other parents-to-be, right? And that social element is going to be a bit weird if there's six couples and one woman by herself...

When we went it was 10 couples, no one went on their own. As well as covering what to expect during birth and the choices you may have to make there were specific bits just for the men about how better to support you during labour and after birth. They also explained how to dress, wash and change a baby which was pretty helpful because we were so focused on the birth we hadn't really considered what to do with the baby afterwards! We made some good friends, and we weren't really expecting to. But, there is something about having people in the same boat during that first 6 months. It can be a really challenging time where everything keeps changing and it's hard to find your feet. There were people from a mix of backgrounds on ours.

Ultimately, the birth and post partum period is about your partner supporting you. He needs to understand what is important to you during birth and advocate for you, if he doesn't know what's going on he isn't going to do a good job of that. Having kids involves a lot of doing things you aren't completely comfortable with or would absolutely rather not do because they are important to your kids or your partner. I hope he decides to come just so that he can understand and support you as you go through birth and post partum.

Definitely! I’m only joking! Although was planning on keeping quiet about the fact it’s number three in case they expect me to know what I’m doing… Maybe I’ll have to tell them why I’m a Lone Ranger. Hoping husband can make it to the social event at the end of the course, but it’s on my due date and I don’t have good form for making it that far. 😂