Men attending NCT Antenatal classes

[lilseb]

I have a couple of silly questions. I have just booked on to NCT Antenatal classes which we can both go to, but my husband is moaning - he doesn't understand why he needs to go. In honesty, I don't know what he might learn either because it's our first baby and I haven't given birth before, but I strongly think he will be able to better support me if he is there. Problem is everyone around me is telling him it's not necessary for him to go, such as his mates who all have kids who don't seem to have gone to classes, or his mother and family members (my own mother is strongly urging him to go though). Even my midwife, who I was hoping would be back me up, said it wasn't essential. I think she was being diplomatic because of course it's difficult with work for some people, but all of these are evening and weekend so he should be able to attend.

It'd be helpful if people could explain the sort of things he might get out of it. He's saying I'll be doing all the work so doesn't know what he would be doing.
I'm thinking of compromising and asking him to just come to a couple (I'll have to ask the group leader what are the better ones to come too) but really I think he should just come to all if he doesn't have a reason for.

Then I have a stupid question - will these be too posh for my husband? He is from a very working class background, left school at 16 and works in menial labour. I've just paid £269 for all these classes and frankly worrying it might be too posh for me as well considering that wasn't an easy cost to come up with, but I am from a more young professional background. I can see him not really making any friends if he's not going to relate to any of the other men there, and I guess I have visions of a slightly overly posh teacher that might make these sessions even more off putting for him when he didn't want to go in the first place. It's partly why I think he might not get much out of it anyway?

He should 100% go! There is lots of stuff in it for Dad's or birth partners as well it's aimed at both of you.

I actually made DH go to the last session on his own (all on zoom because of covid) as I was on a last hurrah holiday with the girls and he knew next to nothing about babies.

Our NCT group was super middle class but we live in a v middle class area. I didn't actually love all of the content but that's for another thread. We still see some of our friends from it though and it was great on mat leave- so was worth it for that.

Id say it's mostly about post both, being supportive and helping you to navigate decisions. In fact I'd say we only really had one or maybe two session on the actual birth its self and talked about all the different drugs available and the pros and cons of each. The NCT person also suggested we have a convo now about what we want to happen if baby has to go to NICU which I'm glad we did as mine did, and we had already discussed that dad would go with baby as didnt wants baby left alone.

Being honest Most sessions spoke about relationships, how to support each other, safe sleeping, breastfeeding/formula feeding including being shown the best way to give a bottle, how often to bath a baby, child development milestones. Plus the opportunity to make some friends.

In our group everyone came as a couple, except one lady who managed to get her husband along to one or two of the classes. They divorced (very messily) within the first year. I’m not saying that’s going to happen to you but her husband’s lack of care about the antenatal classes was indicative of a wider lack of care for his wife and child. The classes are great at explaining what to expect around birth and the newborn stage. The fact he says you’ll be doing all the work is really worrying unless he literally means the pushing the baby out (which is true) but he will be able to support you better if he understands what is going on and what options are available to you for pain relief etc. It will spark conversations about how you would ideally like to give birth (but remember things don’t always go to plan so be flexible!) which he should want to know.

Planning for a positive birth experience

Deciding where to have your baby, local options and care
Changing hormones and going into labour
Stages of labour & birth
Induction of labour and when help is needed
Caesarean birth and recovery
Helping yourself & supporting through labour and birth
Pain management options

Meeting your baby & what happens immediately after birth
Getting to know and caring for your baby
Your baby's experience moving from the womb to the world
Understanding your baby's cues and how they sleep, wake and res
Learning what your baby's nappy tells you and how to change them
Washing and bathing your baby
Soothing and calming your baby
Exploring where your baby sleeps and how to keep them safe
Your relationship with your baby and how they develop and learn

Feeding your baby
How to get breastfeeding off to a good start
Understanding your baby's reflexes and cues
Understanding how breastfeeding works
Night feeds and sleeping
Expressing
How to tell that all is going well
Different positions for feeding and how to try them
Different challenges
Where and how to get support
Wellbeing before and after birth
Knowing what makes you feel good and keeps you well

Physical and mental health after birth
Relaxation techniques
Coping with lack of sleep
Changing relationships & adjusting to life as a family
Sources of support for you and your family
Making plans

Your family, relationships and finding support

Becoming a parent
Changing relationships
Growing a support network
Accessing professional help and support
Negotiating advice and support from peers, family and friends

Plus, you'll get access to bonus content and video on the NCT Parent Hub

Yoga for Pregnancy
Newborn safety and baby health, including:
Baby's breathing
Safer sleep
Prams, slings and car seats
Monitoring baby health
Reducing the chance of illness
Meningitis and sepsis

I hope your partner reads the above and thinks I need to know most of this to be supportive partner and a good dad. Otherwise I don't mean to worry you OP but you'll have bigger problems and you really will be doing everything for baby. Set the expectations now. He is going to be a father and the first step is learning about the things that might help during birth and post birth!

The NICU thing happened to us as well and it really helped that we'd been told to think about it in NCT.

Personally I'd be seeing some amber warning flags about his unwillingness. He may just feel uncomfortable in an unknown area - well, yeah, you feel that, too! He needs to attend for you. He will learn a lot - not just about childbirth but about being a parent and a partner. He will be forced to think about things and form opinions - breastfeeding, pain relief, possible emergencies, health impacts, and most importantly what you are going through.

There are plenty of men who view childbirth and babies as not their 'thing'. How far is this likely to extend? Has he read up on newborn care or does he have experience? What about night feeds/ changing nappies/ bathing/ visits to doctors or health visitors - is this all your job while he waits until dc is old enough to play sport in the park? Or apply for apprenticeships?

Having dc is going to be out of your comfort zone for both of you. Best you start as a couple on this journey and learn to talk about your expectations and plans and worries. He will get a lot out of NCT classes.

He does have a role during childbirth – supporting and advocating for you. He will do that better if he's informed.

I can’t comment on antenatal classes because I missed mine, as DS was born prematurely before the classes began. But after he was born the NCT woman kindly got in touch with me and invited me to the informal meetings my original group were having. One by one their babies were born, and we all met up quite regularly till we all went back to work. Sometimes husbands came, sometimes they didn’t, but I’m pretty sure the husbands all went to the antenatal classes that I missed.

What I can say though is that none of them were posh. Some were graduates, some weren’t, one woman’s husband was a builder and she didn’t work. Most worked in offices, one woman’s husband was a mechanic. Obviously they were all wealthy enough to pay for the classes, so none of them were destitute, but they certainly weren’t posh. They were just nice normal women with nice normal husbands. It was lovely to have a group of people to talk to, all going through the same things at the same time.

We drifted once we all went back to work, and meet-ups got harder, but I’ve still got most of them as Facebook friends.

I think your husband should just stop being pathetic and just go along. He may make lifelong friends, he may not, but he’ll certainly be better prepared for your labour if he’s been to a class.

“People are being judgy” yeah, OP, probably because he sounds deeply unpleasant and like he’ll be about as useful as a chocolate teapot going forward.

It must vary by area as our NCT classes covered childbirth (VB mainly) and breastfeeding. I think she may have mentioned bottle feeding once in passing. We then did one class with nappy changing at the very end.

Such a waste of money for me

That said, you want to do the classes, he should go to support you

It's not posh at all, just lots of similar women/couples in the same boat so food to share experiences and learn a few new things.
My husband was away so couldn't attend so I was on my own - everyone else was in a couple.
I think the partners got quite a lot out of it to be honest

All the Dads came to the majority of ours, minus the breastfeeding one. We all valued the classes and made some life long friends.

I'm still judging him. Does he honestly think that because you're the one physically pushing that there's nothing he can do to support you or that it would be helpful for him to get a better understanding of what is happening to your body? Is he expecting to sit around on his phone in the hospital canteen while you crack on with "doing all the work"?

Yes our teacher said to the dads she suggested they drive to the hospital one day as a test drive if they hadn’t been there before. Talked about where to park if a woman is in labour etc we also did all these exercises about peoples feelings and how we felt or didn’t feel supported etc
It’s vital the partner comes!

Yup we’d go to the classes in our nct group. It was much less intimidating. We also went to each others houses to save money. And then of course WhatsApp which was 24/7 for the first few months!

Our first baby was in covid so no classes for us except online, though of course DH day through them with me.

It was incredibly important he knew what I wanted to happen and what could happen, and also my preferences.

He advocated for me when I was unable to do so, and because he knew what I wanted, and the pros and cons of them all, he made all the right choices.

NCT or any other form of classes are not a vital part of pregnancy. Nor do they make you a better parent or labour partner.

We didn't attend any classes, either of us, I'd have rather had my arms chopped off. He managed perfectly well during labour, as did I and we did really well with the baby and child rearing bit too!

If you must attend one then yeah, it really wouldn't hurt him to attend but the assumptions that he doesn't care or will be useless during labour, delivery and after the baby is here are just bullshit.

Actually I think you could quite easily argue that someone who goes to classes to learn about birth and caring for a baby is a much better parent than one who can’t even be bothered.

@Bojanglesmcduff nailed it - But if you - the one carrying and giving birth to his baby - will find them helpful, and you’d like him to go, why doesn’t he want to support you?

You are having a baby with him. It is important to you that he comes along. That is all the information he needs to know. If he cant be arsed to support you with this, what is he going to be like when the baby is here?

Actually I think you could quite easily argue that someone who goes to classes to learn about birth and caring for a baby is a much better parent than one who can’t even be bothered.

@MinnieBalloon

Actually, no. You couldn't! You see, many of us have the ability to read or, watch many relevant videos or, I don't know, use their initiative!

Simply attending an overpriced NCT class does not a good parent make!

Absolutely this.

Of course not! But the point here is the being bothered to do anything. OP's DH isn't saying I do really want to support you, I just feel uncomfortable about the classes, so I'll do loads of research instead.

It was all couples at ours both times. It is very much aimed at both parents and sometimes the mums and dads separate for different activities. There is usually a mums WhatsApp group and a dad's one.

It would be very beneficial for him to go given he is becoming a parent, it's not just about birth it's about support and baby care too.

Even my then husband (now Ex!) went to the classes. He didn't want to but recognised that it was better to be informed than ignorant.