Men attending NCT Antenatal classes

[lilseb]

I have a couple of silly questions. I have just booked on to NCT Antenatal classes which we can both go to, but my husband is moaning - he doesn't understand why he needs to go. In honesty, I don't know what he might learn either because it's our first baby and I haven't given birth before, but I strongly think he will be able to better support me if he is there. Problem is everyone around me is telling him it's not necessary for him to go, such as his mates who all have kids who don't seem to have gone to classes, or his mother and family members (my own mother is strongly urging him to go though). Even my midwife, who I was hoping would be back me up, said it wasn't essential. I think she was being diplomatic because of course it's difficult with work for some people, but all of these are evening and weekend so he should be able to attend.

It'd be helpful if people could explain the sort of things he might get out of it. He's saying I'll be doing all the work so doesn't know what he would be doing.
I'm thinking of compromising and asking him to just come to a couple (I'll have to ask the group leader what are the better ones to come too) but really I think he should just come to all if he doesn't have a reason for.

Then I have a stupid question - will these be too posh for my husband? He is from a very working class background, left school at 16 and works in menial labour. I've just paid £269 for all these classes and frankly worrying it might be too posh for me as well considering that wasn't an easy cost to come up with, but I am from a more young professional background. I can see him not really making any friends if he's not going to relate to any of the other men there, and I guess I have visions of a slightly overly posh teacher that might make these sessions even more off putting for him when he didn't want to go in the first place. It's partly why I think he might not get much out of it anyway?

I didn't do NCT but I did the free NHS one and a breastfeeding specific one. Both almost everyone had partners there.

If nothing else it bought up all the numbers to call for triage, labour ward etc which DH promptly saved in his notes (which was a good thing because my body seemed to go into shock and shut down when I went into labour so he was like right this isn't normal I'm calling them now).

It also meant he understood the stages I was going through while being entirely uncommunicative and meant we'd talked about what I wanted so he was able to advocate for me and tell them what I would want when I was out of it.

Also after baby was born via EMCS it meant DH knew more about why breastfeeding was important, fundamentals of latch and how to get baby into position so he was able to help me get baby into position while I was still a bit tender from the op.

What he will get out of it is an understanding of what his wife is going through. An understanding of some of the medical bits and having had the sessions and conversations with you will be able o better advocate for you while you are in labour. He can learn the breathing and help with that. And he will get a wife who isn't hurt and upset by his lack of care for her and the baby. He likely even will get friends himself my NCT had a dads WhatsApp group and we all met up as couples. Except my ex hadn't attended most classes so we didn't get the invites to the couple things, I really stood out being alone and unsupported and then during the labour he was utterly shit. I don't think that was due to not attending NCT with me however I think both him not attending and him being a shit selfish areshile was his personality. He's my ex. Your husband's attitude doesn't bode well for your future together if he can't just attend because it's important to you and it doesn't bode well he's taking advice from men who seem to think he doesn't need to understand or support you through a very hard and challenging experience.

Like fuck do you have to do it all!! I had my sister as my birth partner. First labour she did what she could but as husband was there she took a back seat. My second labour i had left him while pregnant and had just my sister as birth partner. The difference when you have someone supporting you who shows they care and understands what you are going through without the negative energy of a man who thinks giving birth is all woman's work and he has no role is indescribable.

Tbh, I didn't find NCT classes at all useful, except for making friends. There was a lot of info about childbirth and the benefits of bfing and how natural and easy it was to establish. We watched that video where the newborn baby made their own way to their mum's nipple and magically latched on 🙄.

Anyway, basically none of it applied to my birth, aftercare or how we established feeding. We ended up with a few interventions during birth and feeding was hard going. No magical latching on unaided for my baby!

However, the friendship group was so useful in the beginning as we were fairly new to the area. It was a pretty middle class group though, yes.

H needs to go. Especially if he doesn't know why he needs to go to! The teacher will tell the men their role and how they can support you, that's important. I wouldn't say it's posh. Our class was very mixed. Some men sneaked off at some points to watch football! We are still friends 12 years later and my husband met what is probably his best mate there.

£269!? Jesus..that's a lot. You can meet people anywhere with a baby. Classes, playground, swimming, even out for a walk with a pram.

If he plans to attend the labour, he should definitely attend NCT with you.

How often does he have conversations with women about the actual process of labour, what it felt like, the scary moments, the poo, the blood, the afterbirth etc?

Men skip through life thinking none of this pregnancy lark affects them, but my friend who had to deliver his wife's baby by himself at home when she had an early and very speedy labour will tell you otherwise.

Having a (even rough) idea of the stages and what to expect made all the difference.

I also booked NCT classes. I am still in contact with one of the mums and dd is 16. We all supported one another and slowly some drifted off until it was a tiny group. Seven couples attended the course dh and I went on. Of course your dh should be there. It’s a course for you and your birth partner.

My partner went as did all other partners, we made friends and I was blown away by how little my partner knew about the female anatomy or birth! Him going made him way more empathetic of pregnancy and birth etc.

My stbxh came to all of my classes pre birth. It was important I felt that he was there because it was support for me and I think it gave him a clearer idea of what to expect and what his role actually was in supporting me and it gave us good food for thought about how we'd manage in the first few months and what things we needed to consider like visitors/ sleeping patterns/ hormones etc.

I know many men don't go, there were only 3 men out of about 20 women in my class group one being my ex, but honestly I think I'd find that so disappointing if my partner didn't want to go. I think it's their child, their wife and they should be doing all they can to step up and be present and informed. You're a team, the idea that you're doing all the work shows that he doesn't understand what he's meant to do as a birth partner.

In our group all dads to be came to every class, not having my partner there would have felt embarrassing even ignoring the fact that he will be a part of the birth and first weeks (I assume)

At a minimum he'll learn about how to support you during labour and a little bit about how to look after baby afterwards. He'll also learn a bit about the stages of labour, pain relief options, and possibly about who will be there and what goes on during a C-section. It'll also be a good opportunity to discuss your preferences in the event he might have to advocate for you.

I mean yes you're the one doing "all the work" urgh during labour, but isn't he even a little bit interested in helping lighten the load for you? And I really seriously hope he's not expecting you to do everything once the baby is here. Or worse expecting you to teach him what to do once the baby is here because he was too stuck up his own arse to attend the lessons.

In my group, NCT was good in the early months for the mums. The dad's group barely even got going, but they still learnt important stuff from the sessions.

Even as a single mum I appreciated everyone else's partners coming to the NCT classes- they were a right laugh tbh. Our breastfeeding lady had a distinct Pauline- with- the-pens from League of Gentlemen vibe about her- she was just lecturing us about why Breast is Best (we were an NCT group FFS, she was preaching to the converted! A bit of chat about the how of breastfeeding would have been more useful). So dogmatic was she that one of the dads asked her if she was a shill for Big Breast 😆

He needs to step up. My labour went slightly awry and decisions needed to be made and i was out of it through drugs / pain / tiredness I needed Dh to fucking step up and he did. I would be pretty disgusted with his attitude tbh. It’s his child too.

My then DH (working class upbringing) didn’t want to go to NCT classes and I had to incentivise him with stopping at a pub on the way home after each session. He continued to complain but for years after the birth he would tell other soon-to-be fathers that they really must go to NCT classes. He’d mostly do this when he thought I couldn’t hear as he hated to admit he was wrong. Personally I think it’s the least he can do to support you and it’ll make the birth less scary for him if he understands what’s happening at each stage.
Good luck with the birth and with your DH. I hope you make some good friends through the classes - you’re all in the same boat.

I was in a group of 9, everyone was in couples. The whole point is that you both attend.

I've only just started going to mine. I don't find them middle class at all, but we do live in a working class town, and I think the people there represent the demographic of where we live. They are held in a primary school in one of the apparently 'rough' areas, so I think it depends where you live.

Our tutor has been fantastic at including the partners in each session, even saying that they have a vital role to 'protect and make sure mum gets to hospital safely'. My DH really likes hearing things like that.....

If he refuses to go with you, ask a friend to go with you, or your mum, or his mum!

If my DH wanted to be my birthing partner and be at the birth of his child then I’d expect him to be clued up on birth, the stages, potential interventions and generally how to support me through it. If not, he’s a spare part and probably just the precursor to a rubbish hands-off father and partner if I’m honest. You’ve expressed your desire for him to go. That’s all there is to it.
And for the record at my NCT everyone had their partners with them except the occasional week they couldn’t make it so they brought mums or sisters instead. He’s leaving you to feel like a gooseberry when everyone else has someone to support them.
Even if he learns ONE thing like how to change a nappy or dress a baby or put them safely to sleep or the hormonal shifts you’re going to be going through post-partum then it’s worth it surely. There’s even a part about spotting the signs of PND in your partner. But just supporting you should surely be enough?!
Not getting good vibes about your husband, OP. He thinks he’s busy with work and can’t find the time to attend a short course to support you now, just wait until you have a child off school or nursery sick, or having to find childcare in school holidays, or going to work on three hours of sleep, or having to find a babysitter to do just about anything.
I think you need to raise the bar here and really put your foot down, or not be surprised when you don’t get the support from him later when you need it.

This is really unhelpful. Obviously no one knows how their birth will turn out. However there are only so many interventions, pain relief options, and problems that arise. It’s really helpful to think about and learn about this so you can prepare yourself for a variety of outcomes.

it’s like not revising for an exam because you don’t know the questions that will come up.

this is the kind of attitude of people who say don’t write down your birth preferences. Its always helpful to think about your preferences as it forces you to think through the various outcomes.

I mainly did it to make mum/dad friends. Still friends 7 years later!

Then I have a stupid question - will these be too posh for my husband? He is from a very working class background, left school at 16 and works in menial labour. I've just paid £269 for all these classes and frankly worrying it might be too posh for me as well considering that wasn't an easy cost to come up with, but I am from a more young professional background.

Honestly what does that even mean?!
Every other person there will be with their partner, it would be weird if the father of the baby doesn’t want to attend and it is probably a sign that he thinks the baby is your responsibility.

If he will be looking after the baby with you, then of course he should go to the classes with you! Unless he thinks it’ll just be you doing all the work…
Both parents came along to all classes at ours and men were particularly encouraged to come along to the breastfeeding session.

Poshness will depend on your area.
I found the information really useful (although we did take the advice to carry in as normal during labour too literally- don't go to the pub like I did, it scares the bar man).
he needs to go to the classes, he's being a dick by refusing and it doesn't bode well for his view of fatherhood.

Why is he saying that you'll be doing all the work?

Is he actually on board with this pregnancy/ baby at all?

Of course he should go, he should be beside you every step of the way, with all of it. He's a parent as much as you are.

They cover pregnancy, birth and newborn stage. Does your dh not want to be involved in all of that? Does he not want to know how to support you and look after his baby?

I'd be concerned he sees the baby as women's work.

OP with his attitude he most definitely needs to attend the classes. If he doesn’t I fully expect he will be the kind of man sat on his phone through labour complaining about his uncomfortable chair and that he is tired! He sounds selfish, stupid and with an old fashioned attitude.

he needs to understand the stages, the pain relief, your wishes. The birth partner has such a vital role in ending up with a positive birth outcome for you.