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Original poster

Men attending NCT Antenatal classes

117 replies

lilseb · 07/02/2025 22:33

I have a couple of silly questions. I have just booked on to NCT Antenatal classes which we can both go to, but my husband is moaning - he doesn't understand why he needs to go. In honesty, I don't know what he might learn either because it's our first baby and I haven't given birth before, but I strongly think he will be able to better support me if he is there. Problem is everyone around me is telling him it's not necessary for him to go, such as his mates who all have kids who don't seem to have gone to classes, or his mother and family members (my own mother is strongly urging him to go though). Even my midwife, who I was hoping would be back me up, said it wasn't essential. I think she was being diplomatic because of course it's difficult with work for some people, but all of these are evening and weekend so he should be able to attend.

It'd be helpful if people could explain the sort of things he might get out of it. He's saying I'll be doing all the work so doesn't know what he would be doing.
I'm thinking of compromising and asking him to just come to a couple (I'll have to ask the group leader what are the better ones to come too) but really I think he should just come to all if he doesn't have a reason for.

Then I have a stupid question - will these be too posh for my husband? He is from a very working class background, left school at 16 and works in menial labour. I've just paid £269 for all these classes and frankly worrying it might be too posh for me as well considering that wasn't an easy cost to come up with, but I am from a more young professional background. I can see him not really making any friends if he's not going to relate to any of the other men there, and I guess I have visions of a slightly overly posh teacher that might make these sessions even more off putting for him when he didn't want to go in the first place. It's partly why I think he might not get much out of it anyway?

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Spudalot · 08/02/2025 07:41

Just re-read your OP. Sorry but his attitude is awful - you’ll be doing all the work??? Of course NCT classes aren’t essential - they are very useful though and if you’ve booked them, he needs to go with you!

stanleypops66 · 08/02/2025 07:43

When I did NCt there were 10 couples and each had their partner with them. My dh did miss one session as he had an important match to attend with his club.

Cornflakes123 · 08/02/2025 07:43

I don’t know what an nct class is but I think being not “posh” enough is definitely not a reason not to go.

Amammai · 08/02/2025 07:44

The biggest benefit I found for my husband was dedicated time where he had to think about the baby/parenting/the future. As the one pregnant, I found I was CONSTANTLY thinking about all these things but I think it’s different for dads.

SnapdragonToadflax · 08/02/2025 07:47

Sigh. Of course he should go, he's becoming a parent too. But I can already see how this is going to go, and I'm sorry for you - he doesn't see children and parenting as anything to do with men. You'll be left to do everything.

For what it's worth, everyone in my NCT group had a partner with them.

As for being too posh, we had a real mix. I'd say no-one on minimum wage/very low income (understandably because it's quite expensive), but we had everything from paramedic to farmer to very wealthy CEO.

Tiswa · 08/02/2025 07:47

you want him there to support you

he doesn’t see the need becuase you will be doing all the work

this cannot and shouldn’t sum up his parenting ethos because parenting is a lot about supporting your child and being there and doing things for them and making sure things are split between two parents

His attitude sucks and I would not be impressed - plus he will be the one who will dress and out a nappy on first doesn’t he want to know this and how to support you with feeding and the birth itself

oakleaffy · 08/02/2025 07:51

@lilseb Please encourage him to go, It will help him to help you.

I had a practice ''go'' on the gas and air and almost passed out though...and swore! {I said 'fucking hell'' through a curtain of faintness}

Swearing was so unlike me..I felt really embarrassed.

Didn't like gas and air at all.

Phineyj · 08/02/2025 07:52

It was really beneficial for DH to go. He was actually quite ignorant about many things beforehand! And he got a lot of support from the other dads.

The whole thing didn't work for me at all (I prefer to do my own research and I didn't gel with the other women) but it was definitely worth it for DH.

socksandshoos · 08/02/2025 07:52

I did find my nct girls a great support in the first year with all the new stuff like feeding/sleep/weaning, comparing war stories & feeling reassured
we met up less as the year til it fizzled out,
the men didn’t bother at all after the classes. I would say they were a posh lot compared to me but don’t think that made a difference (except when we visited each others houses 😳)

I didnt have any new mum friends otherwise as I was a bit late to the baby game. Most of my other friends I know stayed in touch with theirs for years & developed real friendships out of it, just didn’t happen for me (most left the area within 2yrs) Glad I did it though, & hubby needs to go with you so he’s not completely freaked out when labour hits

saraclara · 08/02/2025 07:55

He's your partner and your advocate during your birth. So he needs to know what's happening and why.

My DD's partner is not posh or a professional type. But he went along with DD and five years on their best friends are couples from NCT class.

CoffeeGood · 08/02/2025 07:56

To be honest, it doesn't really matter if these classes will be useful for him or not. The point is, if he's moaning and can't be bothered to support you by going to something you want him to, that is to do with HIS new baby. It doesn't bode well for when the baby is actually here. He should actively be asking to go, to find out every tiny bit of information he might learn to be better able to support you and look after HIS new baby!! I'd have been furious if my husband had cared so little about the biggest event in his life.

newbie202020 · 08/02/2025 07:58

Gosh, this doesn't bode well....

oakleaffy · 08/02/2025 07:59

@lilseb I understand what he means by ''you will be doing all the work'' as in, it's US that do all the actual labour, and it's bloody hard work!

However, your husband needs to be there to support you, even though it's not him pushing a baby out.

If he's the fainting type, he can keep to the head end.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:00

Me and my dh did the nct classes. All bar one man attended all but the one session they were told not to attend, and they still all came but they sat in the cafe chatting that night. People weren't ‘posh’ but they were almost all educated professionals. The only woman who wasnt was very young and with her mother, it was her partner who never attended.

my husband is moaning - he doesn't understand why he needs to go.
Your husband is selfish. He should be there to know how to aupport you. I would also guess he is lazy and uou will be default parent as he ‘wont know what to do’ during those difficult first three months. Going to the nct classes will mean he cannot make those excuses as to why he isnt equally parenting. This selfishness during your pregnancy is a red flag. Make a note of it.

@lilseb is he an equal adult in the house now? Does he do equal cooking / housework?

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 08/02/2025 08:01

Brainstorm23 · 07/02/2025 23:36

£269!? Jesus..that's a lot. You can meet people anywhere with a baby. Classes, playground, swimming, even out for a walk with a pram.

Classes where everyone will hang out with their NCT mates…and playgrounds with a new born, really?

NCT really is about buying a ready made social circle. You may not be mates for life (some people are) but for many people it’s very helpful to be bound together with people in the same baby stage. I know very, very few people who made organise “mum chums” in the early years.

But yeah everyone brings their partner. It’ll be good for your husband to be exposed to other men who are less archaic in their attitudes.

Coolblur · 08/02/2025 08:10

It isn't essential, but it will help you both to have him there. He'll learn a lot. Our NCT classes covered caring for the baby, lots of practical things like how to change nappies and dress them. Caring for your baby will be a joint effort, why does he think he doesn't need to learn anything?
IME the NCT classes were a lot more in depth than the NHS ones. Both partners went to the NCT ones, only the mothers went to the NHS ones. It would be odd for him not to attend, and would probably leave you feeling unsupported.

Coolblur · 08/02/2025 08:10

RatedDoingMagic · 08/02/2025 08:11

The question you need to ask him (and yourself) is whether he is intending to be spending the next 18 years upholding the patriarchy, expecting you to be the only one who needs to put any thought or energy into home and family life while he pursues his Big Important Career, and bring up your child(ren) bathed in the same sexism to hand down such attitudes to the next generation, or whether he wants to break that mould.

Him attending NCT classes is just one tiny step on the way but without it he is starting off his journey to fatherhood on the wrong path.

He attends so that he is your active and supportive partner in all this. So that you aren't doing the extra work of keeping him informed and involved because he is actively doing it himself.

OptimisticRealist2024 · 08/02/2025 08:17

I've booked onto one of the intensive weekend courses (also ca. £270) and my DH is definitely coming with me, because:

• we're a team
• neither of us have any idea what we're doing, and we should each be capable of doing this
• we both hate being in groups of strangers
• I've done a lot of the heavy lifting for this pregnancy, physically speaking, and he shouldn't be leaving me to do everything on my own
• there is no way I'm going to remember everything on my own anyway
• he's a good egg.

Your partner needs to grow up. You'll be knackered enough without having someone constantly ask you how he should be doing XYZ. He needs to start pulling his weigh now.

DorothyStorm · 08/02/2025 08:26

The baby isnt even here yet and you are having to think of a compromise to get him to do the bare minimum.

do you live together at the moment?

Person1234 · 08/02/2025 08:28

He should go. He should understand the process of giving birth and caring for a baby. It's quite strange that he isn't interested in that.

You won't be doing all the work, i presume, since he will be a father and not just a bystander. Unless that's what he's planning for, in which case, that's quite worrying.

My group weren't posh but fairly middle class. I enjoyed hanging out with them in that first baby year. I didn't make friends for life but I'm always happy to see them. The teacher wasn't posh at all.

Doitrightnow · 08/02/2025 08:38

All the Dads went to mine. It was was good, we're still in touch after four years.

One of the ladies had a very traumatic labour - lost consciousness in labour and was in a bad way so her DH had to make all the decisions and look after the baby on his own for the first day. And his wife couldn't do much at all for a week. NCT didn't really prepare him for that but it was certainly better than nothing!

TheaBrandt · 08/02/2025 08:47

Doesn’t bode well for his commitment as a father. Falling at the first fence.

TheaBrandt · 08/02/2025 08:49

We moved away so only vaguely in touch except Dh and one of the other dads bromance continues 18 years later! They both do the same sport.