Men attending NCT Antenatal classes

[lilseb]

I have a couple of silly questions. I have just booked on to NCT Antenatal classes which we can both go to, but my husband is moaning - he doesn't understand why he needs to go. In honesty, I don't know what he might learn either because it's our first baby and I haven't given birth before, but I strongly think he will be able to better support me if he is there. Problem is everyone around me is telling him it's not necessary for him to go, such as his mates who all have kids who don't seem to have gone to classes, or his mother and family members (my own mother is strongly urging him to go though). Even my midwife, who I was hoping would be back me up, said it wasn't essential. I think she was being diplomatic because of course it's difficult with work for some people, but all of these are evening and weekend so he should be able to attend.

It'd be helpful if people could explain the sort of things he might get out of it. He's saying I'll be doing all the work so doesn't know what he would be doing.
I'm thinking of compromising and asking him to just come to a couple (I'll have to ask the group leader what are the better ones to come too) but really I think he should just come to all if he doesn't have a reason for.

Then I have a stupid question - will these be too posh for my husband? He is from a very working class background, left school at 16 and works in menial labour. I've just paid £269 for all these classes and frankly worrying it might be too posh for me as well considering that wasn't an easy cost to come up with, but I am from a more young professional background. I can see him not really making any friends if he's not going to relate to any of the other men there, and I guess I have visions of a slightly overly posh teacher that might make these sessions even more off putting for him when he didn't want to go in the first place. It's partly why I think he might not get much out of it anyway?

You know those MN posts where mothers are complaining how their partners/fathers of their kids don't take on their share of child care, don't engage with their children, don't do school runs etc yours is showing already he intends to be one of those.

@Mielbee He absolutely should (if he's not already!) but I think perhaps selling it to him differently would perhaps be beneficial. Or even a different kind of group!

If someone told me I'd be able to make loads of friends and be added to baby WhatsApp groups I'd throw my phone in the river and run like the wind. Perhaps OPs husband is the same!

My husband had to be my "midwife" as the midwives didn't arrive in time. So I think knowing there is a chance he might have to actually hands on help deliver his baby he should want to participate.

I'd be having a big conversation now about what he thinks the future is going to look like and his role going forward? He is giving off vibes that because he is a man that means he will be taking less of a role.

Why would he not be going?! It's not as if he's done that much for the baby so far and won't for a while. Not a great start is it. He needs to understand that you can't opt in and out of parenthood on a whim

It's not about making friends, but it is about networking with other families going through the same physically and emotionally draining, life changing event as you at the same time. I didn't make life long friends at my NCT group, but I did make the friends I needed for that particular period of my life.

Men had plenty to do and learn at the classes, to support their partners.

I did NCT and NHS antenatal classes and everyone had a partner with them.
I presume your partner is planning to be at the birth so he will need to attend classes so he knows how to support you best. He may also find the other dads a good support network once your baby arrives which is the main point of NCT classes. The price point does make it middle class though.

I hope 'menial' was a typo for 'manual' labour as otherwise that's a horribly condescending way to talk about his work.

Yes, he should come to NCT with you OP. They are parenting preparation classes and he is going to be a parent. More widely I think you need to have some wider conversations about how you are going to bring up your children. It is going to be absolutely exhausting to parent with a partner who has such a chip on his shoulder.

I'm from NI. NCT really isn't much of a thing here and if it was I wouldn't have paid £269 for the privilege of sitting in a room with a lot of people with whom the only thing I had in common was having unprotected sex at roughly the same time of the year.

I wouldn’t do this. It’d be rather damaging to the relationships with the other mums if they later find out you’ve got more children, I think. You’re bonding over children…

Sorry but seems abit weird to do NCT unless you are first time parents.

Everyone in my NCT class attended with their partner, and my husband found it really useful, he learned a lot from it.

We had a mix of couples from different backgrounds. Plus, the courses are heavily discounted for those on lower incomes, so not everyone pays the full price.

Thanks, that’s lovely of you.

There were three couples in my original antenatal class who were on baby three, but wanted to meet other parents as they had moved. They were great, and were involved in lots of our maternity leave activities.

I don’t think it’s a ridiculous idea to have a refresher course and try and meet new parents of similarly-aged babies in a new area. Obviously I’m not going to pretend not to have other children, I’m just going to be conscious not to take away from their experience of going through it first time.

Perhaps it will be a big waste of money, but it might be nice. Hopefully they’ll be more welcoming and open minded than Mumsnet.

If it's through NCT then he should definitely go because alot of it is for partners/birthing partners about how they can support you during birth. There is also alot about post birth and childcare. He will learn alot and he'll meet other dad's in a similar situation. My DH is still good friends with his group of NCT dads. And if it's his first baby to the advice he'll get is going to be useful. It sounds like he needs to go for a reality check tbh.

Why? I genuinely considered doing it a second time. Only reason I didn't was because it was all still online. NCT don't offer the refresher courses designed for STM+ in my area, and I was excluded from many baby only groups by virtue of having my toddler older child with me. I'm also fairly socially awkward too boot. Would have been nice to have had a group I could meet up with outside of baby groups. My second was also a far harder child than my first, and having no-one going through the same thing to commiserate with was incredibly isolating. If I'm willing to pay, why does me having given birth once already make me ineligible?

I don't think it's weird to attend antenatal groups if it's not your first but don't underestimate how difficult you might find it, especially if you had a difficult birth the first time around. I had to stop going to a pregnancy yoga class with DC2 because I just couldn't listen to the first-time mums swapping plans for birthing pools and whale songs and pulling faces at my plans for ELCS. In retrospect it probably triggered my birth trauma from DC1.

My ex was interested and didn't get why he should attend either. He did a couple of times and found another dickhead there to joke around with and make fun of the whole thing. I remember feeling very jealous of the women with engaged, attentive and loving partners. Anyway it was very a sign of his immaturity and unreadiness to be a father. Which became more evident as time went on.

I think this is really about you and if you’d like him to go (which it sounds like you do op) then he surely he would go to support you?

If he doesn’t sound up for it - just let him know he has to, end of 😅he actually might surprise you / himself and make a mate there.