I'm 18 and pregnant !

[ThisDearJoker]

Hi guys ,
I have just written a longer post but I'm going to do a shorter one with less context to gain more advice !
Basically I'm 18 and pregnant - currently 6 weeks , in almost 4 year relationship with boyfriend who is 19, his parents want to help us move and pay 1 years rent. Boyfriend works full time ,

What's your opinions on how much we may struggle ? Any advice / personal experience/ things to know ?

I live at home with my dad currently , wouldn't be possible for me to stay

You cannot rely on your boyfriend's parents paying your rent. A new baby puts a strain on any relationship. You need to be able to support yourself.

I hope he's lovely, but you need to plan for him not sticking around as well......

That's good that you have some qualifications but please make sure you get into work. Please find a job now whilst you're so early on. If you get the job, don't tell them you're pregnant until later on. You probably wouldn't be entitled to full maternity pay, but at least you'd be saving up before the baby is here and have a job to return to once maternity leave is over. You need financial security in case your boyfriend leaves.

Thank you. I understand what you're saying.

To be honest my boyfriend and I are both very much 'old souls' and neither have any interest in partying/ drinking since we sort of did it all when we were 14-15. We are both very mature for our ages and I do whole heartedly trust him to do his best for me and the baby and not leave us. He is a good person and we share the same values. We don't live together but I do stay over at his house 3-4 out of the seven days in a week. I can confidently say we do know each other inside and out !
Thank you again

You will miss out on the young, free and carefree stage in life. Your whole life from this point will be about someone else. It’s a huge sacrifice to make so young and in the modern world very unusual so may be lonely. People do make it work. Travelling .. living possibly in different countries. Taking off for the weekend or travelling Australia for a year .. every minute of your life will have to be per planned. People who have had freedom in youth find it hard to give it up .. you will never have experienced that as you are only just an adult. Never being able to be frivolous with money .. I would be devastated if my daughter choose this road and not because I would judge her but because I would want her to experience more of life before becoming a mother and all that that entails

Hi!
Thank you so much that's really lovely to hear. I really appreciate it x
I will absolutely be looking into what I can do for myself in terms of a career as soon as I am able to.
Thank you again

Most teens and people in their early 20s can't afford to go travelling around the world, especially the other side of the world, unless the trip is mostly funded by their parents. I agree that this is the fun and carefree stage in life.

Thank you! I appreciate your advice. However this is genuinely the least of my concerns, I am incredibly close with him and his family and can confidently say I will always have full support from both him and the family.

Thank you! Absolutely I agree with you, I am trying every thing I can to get a job at minute in order to help me save

I personally have found Mumsnet to be a place of discussing all options, and not looking at all pregnancies to be wanted.

It's totally fine to want to keep a pregnancy if you want to. But it's also totally fine to want to end a pregnancy for any reason.

I was in a similar situation but I was 20 and in the middle of my degree. I took a year out then went on to finish my degree, and that was probably the best decision I made ( other than keeping him !).
I had a lot of help. A lot. I really struggled - I've only one child as I didn't think I could do it again. I did concentrate on my career.
He's nearly 40 now and the light of my life. Still with ' boyfriend ' - now husband of over 3 decades and we're grandparents to 2 beauties !
It can work but it's hard work.

Thank you for your response.
That's lovely to hear that you're now married with lovely grandchildren!

Congratulations I was a teen mum too and have no regrets. Like the first poster said you may get some not great responses on here some site users are obsessed with abortions and not having kids before 30.

Hope it works out for you one thing that can be a struggle is finding a good place to live if rent is high in your town/city. So best to prepare for that now xx

That’s what I’m sort of trying to say. I personally didn’t feel I missed out on clubbing etc but now I am missing out on meeting up at the library for rhyme time and going for pram walks with fellow mums. It’s the stuff no one ever mentioned I’d miss out on, they were all focused on the clubbing and holidays.

I can’t really empathise with your situation OP, because I had my first baby at 32 and man alive it was a shock to the system. But, actually, it probably was such a shock because I’d got used to it just being my husband and I for so long. In that regard having a baby younger might save you some of that? It’ll just be your normal, and I imagine having youth on your side will help with the sleepless nights!

Also, on the comments about careers- having a baby has completely changed my outlook and I’m not sure I want to do the thing that was my ‘dream’ anymore. Motherhood changed me in so many ways- you’ll just have to find what your ‘dream’ career is whilst factoring in the child in the future.

Either way, you sound very articulate and switched on, and you sound like you have a good support network. I wish you all the best and I’m sure whatever you decide you’ll make it work.

Sorry to be so negative OP but this is a really naive position for you to take. I don’t doubt this is the case now but you have absolutely no idea what might happen in 1/5/10 years time. You might want to leave him, he could leave you, he could become too unwell to work…the list is endless. You obviously can’t plan for every single eventuality but you do need to make sure that, as you aren’t married, you work towards being financially independent ASAP. I wish you the very best of luck but please do go into this with half an eye on how your circumstances might change. A glance at the trending threads on here at any given time will give you a pretty cold insight into what can happen when it all goes wrong.

Good luck OP. You sound really level headed and realistic. Honestly, a lot of the time, things work out. Things can just go well and be fine. I guess we don’t hear about that as much as the disasters. Oh and ENJOY IT as much as you possibly can. You’ll be 35 before you know it (can you tell I myself am 25 years away from 60…? 😂)

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it! Luckily our town isn't too awful with rent prices
Thank you again ! X

One of my friends left school before she was 16, and had a baby at 16. She's now got a PhD, and an excellent job. Another had a baby at 15, and has a very good job.

Having a baby won't stop you being successful in life, if that's what you choose. It may make the journey there a bit different.

I've been a single parent since my children were 3 & 5 years. It can be very hard, and very lonely at times. I wasn't a young mother, and I was married when I had the children. That's the risk you take when you have children!

It will be bloody hard work, but as a first time mum at 40 it was bloody hard work. You have your youth and health in your side alongside a younger family. I had financial stability - in essence it is swings and roundabouts. You’ll be 36 when they are 18 - with a life still ahead of you.

what you need to do is make a plan though. It may not be uni now, but you could get more education or go into a job that has an apprenticeship attached (many professions do this now).

this is just a different path, no better, no worse than any other. You have choices available to you should you wish but you don’t have to.

It’ll be strange being at a different stage than most of your peers. Money will probably be tight. Your relationship sounds good, that’s really helpful, and if his parents can help you out for a while that will definitely smooth things over. If you have a good relationship with his mum she might also be a good person to talk to about practicalities and how to make sure you progress your own life too.

Get some kind of work experience now. Anything at all, to show that you can be reliable. It will help you later.

Make sure you get into a solid career if you possibly can, but starting that a year or two later won’t do you any harm. I’d say make it a definite goal to have a clear direction and be at least in training for a good career before 25. Don’t do a degree without a plan for how to use it but you totally can do uni with a child and a couple of years later than your friends if that’s what you decide on. If you are sensible about it I think having kids young can actually benefit your career because you don’t have the distraction of babies / young kids when you’re at the tricky mid career stage. I think it’s probably easier to cope with the lack of sleep when you’re younger too.

good luck!

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this.

Thank you !

I mean this in a very gentle way, but nobody really knows anyone ‘inside out’ until they’ve had children and they’re living an adult life with adult responsibilities.

I had my first child just before my 18th birthday. I had been with my boyfriend for three years and like you, I believed that he was wonderful. He was loving, caring and supportive throughout my pregnancy.

But he just couldn’t cope with the responsibility of fatherhood. He was a very hard worker, but he couldn’t deal with the sleepless nights (our ASD DS didn’t sleep through the night until he started reception), the constant crying and meltdowns. He became very abusive and wasn’t the same lovely lad that I fell for. It took me years to get away from him because I was completely dependent on him financially and he was completely controlling and mentally abusive.

Please don’t sacrifice your education. You say you don’t know what you want to do, but you’ve always wanted to be a Mum. These days, being a Mum involves working (unless you’ve got an extremely wealthy husband) because it takes two wages to run a home. Benefits might seem like a lot of money at 18 but believe me, it doesn’t go far at all when you’re paying the bills and raising kids. I’m sure you want better than a life on UC for yourself and your child.

Thank you! I appreciate that. Absolutely, I will be planning ahead and being as sensible as I can in terms of my future.
Thanks again