Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

No one is disagreeing with your point, in fact the point has been made about 50 times before yours so it’s a bit redundant,
and a thousand times on other threads. I’m disagreeing with the fact you are putting words in the mother’s mouth.

I'm afraid "having plans to propose" wouldn't cut it for me, especially when he's already had 5 years to do it
IME men who actually want to marry their partner make it happen, and after such a long time I'd wonder if he preferred to keep his options open

That said it's absolutely your choice to make, but in your mum's position I'd have concerns too

I fell pregnant at 33 (we’d been together 18 months), had the baby at 34, and got married at 35. I’m late 40s now. Seeing from the age and situation I am now, I’m very happy we got married. We were pretty level salary-wise at the time, but his career has since flown and mine has taken the almost inevitable back seat (before anyone starts, I know this isn’t universal, but it’s the most common scenario).

So, while I absolutely understand where your mum is coming from, it’s not the right time for her to be pushing the narrative so I understand your frustration!

Yes but until the baby is born his NOK are is his parents unless you could buy them out they can force the sale of your house. Just get him to go the registry office unless you don’t won’t to marry him which would lead to the question why would you have a baby with him?

And there's nothing wrong with that. But they are left depending on someone else financially.

Interesting, thanks for finding the stat. It does say that reasons include age of parents, so if for example you take out the very young parents then I wonder if the stats would change much. Agree it is something to consider. Also, noe reading OP does in fact want to get married. For me I have designed my life where I would be financially the same if we broke up or not, same for partner. Appreciate this is not the same for everyone but married or not I would still advocate for not becoming financially reilant on each other, I read so many posts here where the husband is holding his earnings over his wife. As a side note we do in fact call each other husband and wife,as it is is easier to explain, can't really say boyfriend and sometimes when I have said partner people have assumed I was in a same sex relationship. Which tbh if I swang that way would probably the best choice 😂 another note, DH would get married if I wanted to.

unless you don’t won’t to marry him which would lead to the question why would you have a baby with him?
This.

....er...okay....I'll ask.

Why, exactly, is it embarrassing? Specifically that word - embarrassing?

100%. It also teaches your kids that women should be financially independent and earn their own money. And men should take equal responsibility for caring for their children. Otherwise, it’s passing gender stereotypes from one generation to the next. And there will never be equity.

Women only get shafted if they’re not financially independent. Or marry a man who nicks half their assets on divorce.

ODFOD 🙄

I wonder how many women do actually earn as much (or more) than their partner, especially when having to take a career break to care for children.
So yes, an unmarried woman with children would be financially penalised, even more so if her partner has a good income and pension.

I'd feel the same as your mum but wouldn't voice it.

What does "plan to propose" mean? If you've had a discussion wherein you both agreed to marry each other, the proposal has already occured, hasn't it? In which case, what is stopping you arranging it?

I made the decision to try for a child before getting married as time was getting on and I wanted a child before I was 40, however DH knew how important marriage was to me and we agreed that we would get married after we have a child. DS came along and it was lovely having him at our wedding. We got married while I was on mat leave which worked well. I really wanted the security and having the same name as soon as possible.

I think you read some horror stories on here of how women are treated by their partners which explains a lot of comments you've had but it doesn't happen to us all so you do you. It's disappointing that your parents aren't 100% supportive, all you can do is reassure them all is well.

Don’t take a career break then. Earn your own money.

And expect the father to share the childcare.

It's because you're better protected when you're married. You could get married in the registry office and all share the same surname. I quickly got married before I had a baby for those reasons.

Yes and in that case the best thing is to be married so she has some protection

100%. It also teaches your kids that women should be financially independent and earn their own money. And men should take equal responsibility for caring for their children. Otherwise, it’s passing gender stereotypes from one generation to the next. And there will never be equity.

You know this has been an ongoing debate since I was a young woman!
Sadly there will never be equality unless men are brought up to take equal responsibility both in the home and for their children. It isn't just up to mothers to bring their sons up to believe this, they need to see their fathers actually take this on board and show their sons by their actions.

On a wider scale employers should allow for fathers to share responsibility at home without detriment to their careers, which is what happens to women. No matter how hard a woman tries to be financially independent, the odds are stacked against her.

From what I see currently (DC 28 and 30) being unmarried parents is actually old fashioned.

When I had mine, lots of my friends were unmarried parents.the thought process was it’s just a piece of paper and all that, marriage doesn’t mean anything anymore. My parents were pretty horrified that we even lived together before marriage in 1988. We did get married in the end, five years later.

All the friends of DC without exception and nephews and nieces seem to be going down the traditional route of engagement, marriage and babies in that order. These are educated man and women with careers. I don’t know a single young couple that have opted for children outside marriage, not one. At their age I knew loads.

If you were my daughter, I would also be expressing my concerns for all the reasons mentioned above. I cannot honestly see a parent my age (late 50s) being shocked about the baby outside wedlock, we grew up in the 80s not the 30s.

I think your mum is saying this out of concern.

Exactly. Fathers want to spend time with their children too. You can both spend time with your children and build careers. If tou want to drop out of the workforce thats your choice. Married or not you are purposely putting yourself at financial risk and perpetuating gender inequality by doing so.

Aww OP it must be so rubbish!

Im 35, been with my boyfriend 3 years and when we told my parents tney were delighted, but I knew my grandma would be different.
Shes very traditional and thinks having a baby out of wedlock is a crime! We told her at the weekend and I felt so deflated by her response. She said “oh…that’s…modern.” And looked really put out. She didn’t really have much more to say other than flatly repeating “well I’m sure you’re very excited.”

As a parent of a daughter of similar age, I suspect your parents are simply trying to act in your best interests and make sure you are protected in the event that anything were to happen between you and your partner. I’m sure they’re really very excited about being grandparents but are looking out for you. Too many examples of women in relationships on here where they and DP break up and they are left with nothing.

Anyone else here think the issue isn't with OP and her relationship but the system built to force women to marry in order to be financially secure?

OP, you know your relationship and what's right for you and I'm sure have had plenty of conversations with you partner about all of this. If you parents are worried thats their view but they shouldn't be making you feel bad about it at an already vulnerable time.

Enjoy your pregnancy and I hope there's lenty of celebration to drown out any negatively.

Not necessarily. Has the OP said that she is going to pack her job in and become a SAHM?

Maybe she will do what lots of Mums do now and go back to work, gain promotions, get pay rises and put lots of money into a pension.

Except the OP hasn't indicated that in any of her posts. She says she has been with her partner for 5 years, they own a house together, are living together and the parents really like him. If her mother was that antiquated then she would have voiced a firm opinion about cohabiting too. I'm afraid whether you like it or not (obviously not), women are protected by marriage and women with children even more so. I'm not saying it's right but it is a fact. It has fuck all to do with tradition or modern versus old. The "parroting masses" on MN are sadly only too aware of women's rights, or actually the lack of. I know, I've got the T shirt and wish I'd been given sensible advice when I was younger.

Not if she is the higher earner and the house is hers.