Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Stte: I was married before kids, still got treated awfully by ex husband.
Save for a fuck off fund married or not, it's what got me sorted.

It's 2025, your parents are being unnecessarily conservative and I doubt it has to do with money and security because they are handling it in a judgy silent treatment way.

Do things whatever way you want, you don't need to be married but you do need as much financial security as possible, regardless of how you choose to administer it.

I met someone else and had another baby. I will never marry him out of personal preference.

Employers do allow fathers to work part-time, take parental leave etc. My kids’ dad did and that was almost 25 years ago.

But lots of (sexist) fathers don’t want to do it. And lots of (sexist) mothers don’t want them to either.

We’ll only achieve equity in the workplace (and in relationships) if fathers take responsibility for childcare, because then part-time mothers won’t be competing with full-time fathers over promotions etc.

doesn't seem to make sense. is this on the wrong thread?

Not going to bother to repeat everyone else’s ( well, most) words of wisdom about finance etc.

What I don’t understand is why your DP doesn’t want to secure you by marrying you. DH proposed after a very short time , he said because he wanted to make sure we were together ‘forever’. ( Actually, we didn’t marry until we had only one house, but we were equal earners, no kids, even so that was probably a mistake though we got away with it).

He didn’t want to own me, but he wanted to make a legal and emotional statement about our lasting commitment. Ask your DP why he doesn’t? And more importantly, ask yourself why you don’t seem to want to either.

Women are only protected on marriage, children or not, if they are the lower earner, financially vulnerable or plan to become so by giving up work etc.

marriage protects the more financially vulnerable within a partnership. Not every woman needs the protection of marriage, and some are considerably worse off.

my husband is the one who is “protected” by marriage, he is the one who will walk away with more than he put in, while I will lose a big chunk of my assets I had pre-marriage.

don’t assume all women are the financially weaker party.

@devastatedagain ugh why are you assuming that OP is even WANTING a proposal?! Some folk really are stuck in the 50s. If OP was in a hurry to get married, she could bring it up herself you know.. women have voices, opinions and options these days! 🤦🏼‍♀️

If my son said he was planning a child with a long term partner before sorting marriage I’d ask him why… totally up to them to decide if course and I wouldn’t be disappointed… its not my life.

but I’d encourage him to marry beforehand. If anything happened to his partner during childbirth he’s not NOK, yes I know this is rare but even so, he’s automatically on the birth certificate etc. if they wanted the big wedding celebration tbh this is going to be easier to afford pre rather than post baby.

@SpringBunnyHopHop haha it was a joke, wasn't it???

If tou want to drop out of the workforce thats your choice.

In today's economic climate that isn't usually the case. FInancially life is much tougher for both my DDs and their families. They need to work outside of the home and neither has anything other than a basic lifestyle without any holidays or expensive cars. Younger DD is currently on mat leave and will soon have to fund child care. And no, I'm in no position to help with that, sadly.

This. I speak having got married after a baby - thankfully we did get married but I would have been seriously comprised if we weren’t. Your career suffers if not. If you want a ‘wedding’ do that later but get the piece of paper now before the baby is here - for gods sake it protects you - unless you own a home and have higher earnings you must get married. Your health, your maternity leave etc

If anything happened to his partner during childbirth he’s not NOK, yes I know this is rare but even so, he’s automatically on the birth certificate etc.

When DD2 had her baby last year she put her DP as NOK. I told her afterwards that in fact I am legally her NOK! The hospital never queried it. And yes, DP is on the birth certificate obv.

The 1930s have entered the chat…

I went from being a full time ,well paid earner to being unable to return to work since having kids due to ill health…we are married and a partnership so my husband has paid into savings for me in my own name and has paid into a private pension for me . We are a committed couple….unmarried parents can also be committed couples but they do have to ensure that they have the appropriate legal protections in place, none of us know how our lives are going to pan out. What I would say to any woman, if you want to be married don’t buy a house ,have a baby and then still expect a proposal…not all men are inclined to be married when they have everything else already including a partner that may well be doing majority chores, majority childcare AND pay half the bills for the privilege.

If you are both financially comfortable I think it's ok. Not ideal. If not then she is right to have concerns.

It really does depend on your financial situation OP. If you're the higher earner, have far more in savings, pensions and assets and are likely to stay on a career trajectory that keeps you as the higher earner (and you're not planning to take time out of the workplace to look after the kid(s)) then the financial security of marriage might benefit your partner in the event of a split, not you.

In any case, that's very much up to you to decide, not your parents. Congratulations on your pregnancy

Of course it makes sense. And it's on the right thread.

Without marriage or a civil contract the woman is likely to lose out considerably should they break up.

Can happen if you're married too!

If your mum's objections are moral, then I disagree. If they are practical then I really do agree with her.

As for the woman above who said her friend was in her partner's will, that means absolutely nothing as he can rewrite the will at any time, without her knowledge.

There's no way around it, OP - the woman usually loses out financially when she has a baby. She will often be on a reduced income, which affects her pension, too. She will often be part-time, which affects her career prospects. Yes, some women are living with a guy who does half the household work and they both work the same number of hours, but if you're not in that position then you will be the inevitable loser.

There are posters on here who will tell you they were together for decades and the guy changes his mind - the woman is absolutely stuck financially while he isn't at all.

I think men should recognise this when they have a child with their partner.

Well, not according to the vast majority of posters on here. Women are (usually) better protected with a marriage contract. I don't make the laws and they'd look very different if I did! But for now that's the way it is. I don't see how that statement of fact is in any way contentious.

The point is you're more protected if you're married!

But there are protections in place that are unavailable to an unmarried woman.

Respect parents wishes, go along with them. It smooths longer term family ties.
They're not as young as they were.

I can understand your parents concern, you are taking all the risks here, physically and likely financially, you have been together for 5 years and co own a house but he hasn't married you nor proposed?
They are rightly worried you will left at a disadvantage, they know having a baby can put a strain on a relationship, you appear to have no protections put in place for you or your baby.
I'd be disappointed with your boyfriend mostly, for not showing you his true commitment and reassurance at this vulnerable time for you, I'd think he had a foot out of the door.
I'd be a bit dismayed you hadn't really put much consideration into the practicality of making as solid of a foundation for your child's benefit.
I think you wanted a baby and have got lost in that thought, you aren't the first and won't be the last but your mother is certainly not a dick for worrying about you and the choices you've made.

I suppose that's true, but not all husbands/ex-husbands abide by these protections.