Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Given that you live with your boyfriend, own a house together and that your parents like him, this is obviously not some antiquated moral judgement. These are in fact sensible words from a concerned mother. Without marriage your rights are not protected, a situation which is exacerbated once you bring a child into the mix. Posters screaming that your parents have a 1950's attitude are being too "right on" for their own good. Your mother is concerned about your future wellbeing, as indeed any loving mother should be whether you're 16 or 33. Just be grateful OP that you've got someone to watch your back.

Forget what anyone else thinks. Before you told your parents, you were excited to be having this baby. Try to get back to that mindset!

I work with someone that recently got married. They have two children, a house and had been together for almost 40 years! They only got married because their solicitor recommended it for IHT purposes!

Another friend of mine had 3 children before she got married and only got married before they had their fourth because she was giving up work to look after them.

Yes there are certain protections that come from being married, so make sure you focus on not giving up your career if you have one and making sure that you're not risking yourself financially in any way.

A relative of mine contacted me to tell me she was pregnant. She was 20 but was in a long term relationship with her childhood sweetheart (she's now 27 and married to him with another child).

While I was a bit surprised that she was having a baby so young I kept the thoughts to myself and just offered her my congratulations. She was so grateful! She said everyone else had been really down to her about it and was making her feel awful about something that she'd previously been so happy about.

Most of all - Congratulations @Oli16 !

It may sound old fashioned but the law is old fashioned. The fact is you would be significantly better off if you were married. I thought the same and my husband and I only got married because we were going to move abroad and he has dual citizenship but I'm so glad I have that protection. It was really only to make him my next of kin in case I got run over by a taxi or something.

Read some threads about women who split up and are left with no rights to anything, or who miss 5 years of work because the world isn't actually designed for two parents to work full time easily or affordably. There are so many horror stories on here.

I can’t really see the point of getting married after all the big life events have already happened. If you plan to get married, you should do it first, or not bother.

Get a cohabiting agreement asap in case anything happens before you get married. That way you'll be protected and can inherit from each other and make lifesaving decisions about the other.

Marriage is not a declaration of love, it is a legal contract. Please get married, it can be at a civil ceremony before you pop.

@Crazybaby123 “In terms of raw data, 60% of parents who never married split up compared to 21% of those who married before their child was born and 32% who married afterwards. But even when considering a wide range of socio-demographic controls – such as ethnicity, age, time lived together, education and relationship happiness – the probability of splitting up was still 46% for never married parents, significantly higher than the 26% for those marrying before and 27% for those marrying after their child was born.“ so yes, cohabiting parents far more likely to split than married. “Source- marriagefoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/MF-research-note-Source-of-family-breakdown.pdf

I insisted on being married before trying for children. I’m in my 30s.

There’s quite a lot of reasons been given here.

Except those are your words, and the words of the MN parotting masses, not the words of the “concerned mother”. The only thing she appears to be concerned about is tradition and apparently perception of having a baby outside of wedlock.

in principle there shouldn't be a problem but if he does want to get married then why aren't you? Why is he going to propose "quite soon"? You chat about it and he "has plans" to propose yet nothing happens? And why does it have to wait for him to propose? If he did skip out could you manage alone financially and in other ways?

Are they the type of people who would be worried about what their neighbours or friends might say? Only thing I can think of. I had a couple of relatives who seemed obsessed with what their neighbours would think.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Having a baby is a far bigger commitment than getting married.
Getting engaged means nothing more than he likes you enough to buy you a ring.

I'm in the position of your parents Oli16.
DD is older than you and has a 6 month old with her boyfriend of 5 years.
No sign of marriage at all and I haven't commented other than to suggest if they don't want to get married then at least consider a civil partnership for legal protection. I can understand your DMs concern.

I took a look and couples who married before having a baby are about 3 times less likely to divorce than parents who never married
https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/source-of-family-breakdown/

There have been a number of news artices lately about unmarried people (both men and women) in their 60's and 70's being evicted from their homes after their partner's death. They thought that because they'd lived together and shared a home for years and years they would have rights. Wrong! Big life events don't stop happening after a certain age. Partners die, you may have grandchildren to consider, your own health will fail - absolutely anything can happen to anyone.

Having read some of the posts on here, it’s no wonder we have a gender pay gap!

It seems lots of women assume that they alone are responsible for childcare. It’s the 21st Century. If you want to be a parent, expect to look after your kid. Both parents don’t have to work full time. They can each work 3 or 4 days a week. Much more equitable than one not earning at all or having to work part-time and reduce their earnings.

Until fathers start to expect to work part time to look after their children, there will be financial and social gender inequality. It seems most women are just fine with that. I’m quite shocked.

And that is your perception. Mine is different. Too many women are left literally holding the baby as many threads on MN illustrate. A legally binding contract, aka marriage or civil ceremony, would at least mean if they split up OP wouldn't be financially penalised. I have a DD in this situation and have the same concerns.

Have you read the reasons listed by some people on this thread?

I have no moral or religious issues with unmarried women having babies. However, far too many seem to have no inkling that it can make them financially very dependent on their partner, and what a vulnerable position that puts them in, especially if not married.

In my world, parents care about their children, including when they're adults.

Some women WANT to spend more time with their children.

How are you financially penalised if you earn the same as your partner?

Married women who decide to be SAHM and then get divorced end up struggling as they've been out of the workforce too long and don't have their own money. It's also easier for a woman to flee an abusive relationship if she isn't married. Also, if the woman has more savings than the man then the man may end up with her money in the divorce.

Women shouldn't give up their job or reduce hours etc unless the man is too. Doesn't matter if they're married or not.

Some men happily live with their first partner ,have children whilst declaring thay don't believe in marriage. What they actually mean is that they don't believe in marriage with that partner. Someone else comes along and they can't get down that aisle quick enough.

"Right on" but right off the mark!