Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Having done it the other way (DD now 24) I could only ever recommend protecting yourself and your DC financially by getting married.

"Girlishly stupid?!"

Jesus, the condemnation is bloody disgusting here. Maybe you've got a scarlet letter for OP, too?

Perhaps you intend to marry at a later date?

From my pov, I wouldn’t describe it as having a baby before marriage, rather than outside of it. I’m middle aged. Have three DC (same father). Never been married.

I’m vehemently against it. Find it terribly outdated and sexist. I’m not religious. I object to registering my relationship status with the state. And having to pay legal fees to deregister it if it ends. I’ve always earned my own money. Would never rely on a man. Not after my mother relied on my father and he shafted her.

I’ve never had anyone pass judgement on me, including my kids’ dad’s quietly religious parents.

So, IMHO your mother is being judgemental and interfering. But, realise it may be well meant. Depends if you plan to stop earning or do all the childcare when you have the child, rather than both of you sharing the childcare. In that case, I guess marriage financially protects you.

just don’t give up your career without the security of marriage (and more importantly divorce law). Otherwise don’t worry too much. A married man can just as easily run off into the sunset

I’m sorry but I actually really agree and I’m 32 so it’s hardly like I’m a pearl clutching boomer!

Ok so there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with having a baby outside of marriage at all, if that’s what you intend to do. If you were saying you were intentionally going it alone I’d be like ‘go girl’ I’d even be more on board if you were going on about how you didn’t want to get married or believe in marriage (although I’d still be sceptical of that and warn you of the risks) but the concept of going into this massive huge life commitment with someone you want to marry and are open about that, but hasn’t been arsed to actually marry you pre getting you pregnant, well there’s something about that I just find a bit tragic. It reads like you couldn’t get him down the aisle so you got a baby instead in the hopes that he’ll now be incentivised to marry you.

I’m sure that’s not how it actually is and I agree it’s not ‘fair’ that society is constructed this way but I consider myself fairly liberal and even I feel a bit sorry for you in your situation. Mostly because I know a fair few women who were in your exact situation and STILL haven't got the ring and a few have gone on to have more kids, one has 3 and he recently left her for another woman and played the whole thing out like he ‘was never that sure’ hence why he didn’t marry her…etc. Obviously she didn’t have any of the rights to stay in the house or half his business like a wife would have.

It’s just messy all around. That being said even if you trot yourselves down the aisle tomorrow it’ll now be under a cloud of ‘well he had to didn’t he’ nudge nudge wink wink which is also just really horrible so I don’t think you can win if I’m honest.

I’d say just do whatever makes you happy but accept that your parents are entitled to feel the way they feel and aren’t terrible people for it, they probably do just have your best interests at heart.

There's nothing wrong with having a baby with a long term partner rather than husband. We don't live in the 1950s or a culture where you have to get married. I'm in my 20s and have a child with my long term boyfriend. I don't want to get married. Edited to add that I only took a year out from my career (maternity leave).

He is never going to propose to you. This man does not want to get married, whatever he says. It isn’t going to happen.

Your parents are right to be concerned - you are putting yourself and this child in a precarious position.

The key is yo make sure you and your family are protected against financial insecurity. Don't give up your career, married or not. So many people wasltz into their dream of marriage, become a SAHM, then end up divorced, on a back foot, no career, fighting over the house, expensive divorce proceedings. Or just staying married whilst things arent great as financially it would be a disaster to try and leave. I like the easy life 😆I am also the higher earner so perhaps clouding my judgement there.

I didn’t specify where the haters were and whether they were in this chat or in OP’s real life 😊x

Whilst it may seem people are being over dramatic OP especially when you are in the bubble of love and a first pregnancy please listen to them.

We have friends who were planning to get married after their kids were born tragically he was in in an accident and is now in a permanently vegative state, she was left pregnant and having to work and deal with children whilst grieving, it's an extra stress no one needs. There's so many things that become a nightmare if you aren't married from finances to arranging medical care.

That is just one example I know others who were left high and dry having to try and find any job as they had been left.

Marriage is so much more than a piece of paper it's a legal contract that is very important when you have children and shared assets.

I will certainly be advising my children not to have children without being married no matter what sex they are but particularly my DD as often it's the women that are more at risk financially.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🥳

Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into any relationship.. even the most solid. He may want to marry you now but when you are post partum and sleep deprived maybe not so much. So many posts of people engaged for years and ultimately the man turns around and says not getting married .. usually after his career has progressed massively and theirs has taken a hit by doing the bulk of childcare and life admin work. Get married before you have the baby .. you can always have a party afterwards. If he stalls I would seriously be questioning his commitment and would proceed bearing this in mind

What nonsense. Read old threads. Women put themselves in deep shit by having children with men who aren't committed to them. Prancing about complaining 'My parents are old fashioned!' doesn't make a woman of 33 right, she's behaving foolishly.

I've lost count of the number of threads where a woman is left up shit creek because she's the one that reduced her hours or gave up work to have the children. The husband turns out to be abusive or meets someone else and she's absolutely screwed.

Protect yourself and get married.

Your mother is right to be concerned for you.
You are at your most vulnerable during pregnancy and post-partum.
Why don't you want the legal protection of marriage before your baby is born?

Embarrassing? Hardly! It's her free choice.

Fine for you to disagree with it, but it's not embarrassing. Christ alive.

I’d look at the dials on your time machine - you apppear to be posting from the 1950’s.

So "don't listen to the haters" was in reference to her parents? Not posters?
Ok. 😊x

Don’t do it love… men turn quick!

What are your plans for childcare once the child is born? Is you career going to take a hit? What are your plans if something happens to you while pregnant? As you are not married the dad won’t have automatic rights and won’t be able to make decisions on your behalf if needed. You will be relying on your parents to make decisions.

It sounds like she wants it, but is waiting for the boyfriend to propose. He is "planning to", he says.

I am surprised that some people think in, to me, such an outdated way. Your choice whether you get married or have a civil partnership or live together. It’s a joint decision between you and your partner..not your parents. I have two grandchildren and it’s up to their parents whether they get married or not.

Your mum is worried about you and your financial position moving forward. I don't blame her for all the reasons listed above by PP.

If you're not going to get married in the short term, please make wills so you are financially protected in the event your partners death. My friends partner of 30 years just died, and legally, he is entitled to anything because there was no will. The living partner does not receive any automatic legal right to their decesed partners property or assets.

There are some awful posts on here from
women who didn’t get married as it was never the right time. Probably best to read a few. Your mum is just looking out for you.

I think this is probably what it is.

She probably sees how vulnerable this could make you if anything should go wrong.

You are the one taking all the risk by getting pregnant. Marriage provides at least a small amount of financial protection against that risk. Even if you are the higher earner, you are the one risking your health and livelihood. You are the person who could become bed bound or even disabled. You are the person who is going to leave the workforce while you recover from pregnancy and nurture your newborn. If there are complications with the baby, odds are you will the one who will scale back your career.

marriage also shows that the father understands the risks you are taking and cares enough to try to protect you. If he doesn’t want to take that step, it is a huge warning sign that he won’t stand by you if something goes wrong.

so yes, your parents are worried.