Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

You’re a CA advisor?

and you’re making assumptions that o/p will be in a “legally precarious” position if she doesn’t marry?

is that the advice you give all women? Do you ever give advice as to how they can protect themselves without marriage? Or take the time to find out if marriage will actually put them in a more “precarious” position, as it did me?

women have choices. Not just marriage. They can draw up legal documents which give them similar rights. They can maintain their own financial independence and not rely on marriage and a man to keep them.

it is not one size fits all. “Just get married, you’ll be protected” is actually pretty crap advice- if women think that’s their safety net and don’t discuss wills, pensions, house ownership etc they could still be left in a difficult position, legally and financially.

marriage does give you some automatic protections, but not all. Check, and consider your own situation and how you would cope if your partner died or pissed off. Don’t make decisions based on them being around for ever.

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course all those things are important, and safeguards can be put in place - the CA website that was recommended lists all the things that should be considered - but without all those in place it is a fact, whether or not we may think it’s fair, that if things go wrong in a relationship a woman who is married is likely to have more legal protection than one who isn’t.

@Whycanineverthinkofone , instead of criticizing another poster, how about addressing that the 'marriage is just a piece of paper' brigade won't get round to having other 'bits of paper'?

Martin Lewis: Is there any point in being married?
Does common law marriage exist in the UK? Here's what you need to know - Warner Goodman LLP (other legal firms exist)
Common law partners: What is a common law partner and what rights do they have? | Woolley & Co, Solicitors (other legal firms exist)

Really good post, useful links that explain cohabitation and other options

Great post 👍

@MeandT , great post.

Many couples go into parenthood in the belief that true love alone will keep them together, but wonderful as parenting is, it's not easy on a relationship.

Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship. I would think it is one of the main causes of relationship breakdown.

Certainly most of my divorced friends say that having a child was the cause of their marriage breaking down

I was born in the 50`s and resent your ageist comment. My advice would be, if it ain't broke don't fix it but (and there's always a but) you need to sort your finances so that if the relationship fails, you and your child have a secure future.

Look at the litany of women who find out that marriage doesn’t offer security or protection upon separating.

Marriage won't protect you from a brute @StormingNorman but it's better than nothing. Which is what the OP has. At least you've got some protection.

I fundamentally disagree with this statement - Although for women, having a baby might be the bigger commitment for men, the bigger commitment is marriage - which explains the reluctance of some (not all) men to marry.

@devastatedagain , you have a point there.

The whole notion that women need protecting via marriage incase their partner does a runner is somewhat ridiculous.
What if the woman is the breadwinner with a great pension and joint ownership of the house?
Maybe she would be totally fine without the shackles of marriage. The assumption that women are in the weaker position financially really pisses me off.
Yes, married with kids here but honestly I dont need my husbands money. Actually he'd be after mine if we split.
Amazes me how the assumption in every day life as well as mumsnet is that the husband holds the purse strings.

@Oli16 we’re not married, wasn’t something either of us wanted. I don’t think my mother particularly approved but my MIL has never said anything. Kids are now adults. We had various life insurance policies and so forth, we tried not to be eejits about things.

We are planning to get married in the next few months for inheritance tax purposes. We don’t have much but don’t want to lose the house to this pernicious tax.

Maybe she would be totally fine without the shackles of marriage.

Maybe she would. But very often she isn't.

It's the woman who takes maternity leave, with consequent impact on her finances and career development.
Very often it's the woman who goes part time or gives up work altogether, again with potential consequences for her financial security.

Women need to understand how they might be affected by being married or not married, so they can make the best decisions for their particular circumstances. It might be that some women are better off not being married, but it needs to be an informed decision.

I don't think most women are "just fine" with it at all. It might be the 21st century but that doesn't negate the reality of life! I mean, you'd think with all our advancements roads wouldn't be full of potholes and people wouldn't be dying in hospital corridors but .....

So far as parenting goes it's almost always mothers who are prepared to make enormous sacrifices for the human being they risked their lives giving birth to. Men not so much. Women all too often don't discover that age old truth until it's in their face.

You are right to chose having a baby now. The older you are the more chance of having a child with disabilities. Mariage was only invented by the church to control women anyway.

Your username speaks for itself I see.

Informed absolutely.
But it's 2025. Let's stop assuming the woman takes the financial hit and does the lions share of raising the children.
I've returned full time, and my husband went part time and does the majority of the childcare.
Most of the women in my workplace have a similar arrangement. At the school gate there are easily as many dads as mums picking up the children at 3pm.
Why, even amongst woman do we perpetuate this bullshit idea that men don't contribute to the raising of children.

Absolute bullshit.
The demographic at the school gate for my children's school will tell you both parents expect to share childcare duties these days.
It's totally the norm for both parents to work now, so yes both have to help with childcare.

That's a pretty shitty attitude, isn't it? 😵‍💫

Well said.
I think the pp is more concerned with ideology than practicality.

If I really was up myself, I wouldn't be aware of it. It's just a username that was available. @restingbitchface30 .

Mumsnet is full of threads from women who found out that their DP was anything but when they were pregnant/new mothers or when their DP's head was turned.

I've posted links to back up why I say get that piece of paper first.

I do know a few couples who weren't married when they had children who are still together decades later, and some of them did marry eventually, but I also know couples who didn't stay together.

Marriage was certainly not invented by the Church! 😆
It existed in the ancient world and across cultures.
Do please check your facts before adding your ha'porth.

I think you should now propose to him.
Don’t be passive.
From a legal perspective, you are 500% better protected if you marry.
i proposed to my DH.