Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

I agree.

Ah, the old chestnut! People who disagree with you must be "bitter"!! 🙄

It's not bitter to know the difference between how things are and how you'd like them to be.

@Happydays2025 I’m not bitter either, really content and happy age 58. Just worried the op is leaving herself vulnerable.

if married spouse gets first £325k, and half of everything else if there’s children, it all if there’s not. Which if your house is worth more than you inherit you could be left homeless anyway, even with the “protection” of marriage, as you’ll have to give any kids their share.

You won't be left homeless. You'll have the £325k, so you'll have the wherewithal to house yourself, even if the marital home has to be sold. Unlike an unmarried partner who is not a co-owner of the house, who could be left with nothing if her partner dies intestate and everything goes to his blood relatives, as per the law of intestacy.

I agree,

Jesus what year is it? 1953.
Not embarrassing at all OP. Ignore this clearly bitter person. You are doing just fine.

hi op,

Honestly, your parents are right but it isn’t about “moral” or whatever. It is just the case that mariage does offer you AND your future baby a level of protection that you wouldn’t have in any other way.

No. “He loves me” doesn’t cut it half if anything happen. Just look into it and ask him to commit in the area where you would need protection in any bad scenarios. You are being naïve.

Good luck 🌺

Bitter? Bitter about what, specifically?

That's the second time someone has used that word on this thread in such a way that it makes no sense without further context.

How are you only finding out your parents values in your 30s?

With your parents on this one. Look at the litany of women here who find out why marriage is a good idea with children.

Some might say it's actually for children

I have skim read tge thread so apologies if I missed out, but key thoughts are:

• if you want to marry why don’t you ask him
• if not marrying then just have all the Legal bits in place such as house ownership and Wills and LPAs
• have serious chat about expectations around parenting the child and career aims

Tell your parents to get stuffed.

My partner and I got together in our mid 30s. Bought a house 3 years later which I own the majority of and have the Legal documentation setting out ownership. Had two children within 6 years of getting together. He gave up his job to be primary carer. Wills sorted. Been together 20 years. Not married. His elderly religious Mum once mentioned her ‘disappointment’ that the kids were illegitimate and unchristened but he set her straight. Will probably marry and not tell anyone soon for inheritance purposes. Our kids have our surnames double-barrelled.

Your comment is embarrassing tbh. You always go around trying to make people feel like shit?

@restingbitchface30 , I disagree, if a couple can't be arsed to get married or get a civil partnership, why are they creating a baby?

Well most people think it's a stupid comment so you and the poster are in the minority. How old are you? 190 years old?

The single young Mum I know is on really good money and she was the one that ended it with the Dad.

So clever unmarried women won't always be bad off.

Ahhhh, are you part of the no sex outside of marriage crew, then?

Finally a coherent and rational post. 👏

Oh dear, be very careful here. You're being a bit naive OP, sorry.
A baby can completely change a relationship. What happens if your baby comes along, you both end up sleep deprived, you end up snapping at each other, and your boyfriend decides it's not for him and walks out? Where does that leave you?
I'm not making assumptions about your boyfriend, but I hear this narrative play out ALOT.

You're concerned about fitting into your wedding dress and having your cute baby around on your wedding day.
Think a bit smarter than this. It could all completely go to shit in the space of a year. You just don't know.
Protect yourself.

So what if he changes his will? What happens to his pension? What do you do if he leaves his half of the house to the cats home? What if you have a disabled child.
Or you end up with a long term terminal illness? Or he just gets bored and walks out… or decides parenting is too hard.

You are screwed. Terrible advice.

Even legal spouses can change their wills etc and screw their partners over.

Every arrangement is a double-edged sword.
Read the threads here on MN posted by women who had the rug pulled out from under them by their husbands. There aren't any guarantees in life.

no worse advice than “get married and you’re protected”. He can do any of that married or not.

the message is get the legal and financial paperwork done. Don’t give up your financial independence, and if you do make sure you legally own half the assets. Don’t rely on marriage if your name is not on the house deeds- yes it may help in divorce, but if he dies he can still leave it to the cats home.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I actually tried to persuade my daughter to start a family before she got married as I was beginning to feel too old to be a granny again ( she's my youngest)
.She was adamant she was going to be married first. She married end of '23 & had a baby end of '24 - she is 35 this year & I will be 70. My mother felt the same way with me tbh. I think your parents are behind the times. My younger son however has just had his 2nd child - both born out of wedlock so to speak & both to different partners - the first he subsequently married then divorced. My oldest son has 2 children & is staying in an unhappy marriage so he doesn't lose them. Everyone is different & as long as you are happy with your life the way it is then that's the most important thing.

My daughter is the same age as you , her and her partner have been together 5 years too and they told us she is pregnant and you know what, I’m over the moon. Couldn’t be happier .
They aren’t married yet either but plan to after the baby is born. They have agreed to put a sum of money into her pension to top it up and cover for the times/years she is a stay at home Mum? Would something like that give your parents peace of mind? But then do you go into parenthood thinking you’re going to split up in years to come. No of course not.
Congratulations by the way. X