Baby before marriage - parents NOT happy

[Oli16]

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our first baby and the way my parents have reacted makes me feel like I’m having a teen pregnancy (I’m 33, been with partner for 5 years who they love)

since telling them at Christmas they have been really weird about it, they say their excited but I’ve had multiple conversations with my mother who keeps asking me how “committed” my partner is and “why hasn’t he proposed to you yet” - I’m finding out their quite traditional and even though I say we have plans to get engaged / married quite soon, it’s left a very bitter feeling between us.

Its pretty common to have a baby before marriage but she says she “feels” for me which made me feel horrendous and upset.

has anyone else experienced people being dicks about having a baby before marriage?

so disappointed and I think they seem miffed too

Have you not heard of common law marriage

The UK doesn't have common law marriage.

What exactly IS common law marriage?

@devastatedagain it doesn’t exist in the UK, the myth is along the lines that if you cohabit for a certain number of years you have legal rights. No idea about the laws in other countries.

There's no such thing as common law marriage in the UK - that's a myth that catches so many women out (and it's usually the women who also tend to be in the lower paid job)

That’s not “common law marriage”. Because it doesn’t exist in the uk.

that’s sensible financial planning to ensure fair asset ownership should the relationship fail or one party dies.

you can “protect” yourself in more than one way. One is marriage- although I’d argue it still leaves you open, if your dh is the earner he can easily hide money in divorce should he be inclined. The other is to make sure you have a financial set up which will divide assets fairly- again I’d argue this is more “protection” as it’s not one person controlling the assets.

@Happydays2025
It's not legal protection though.
It's a damn sight more protection than not being married
Have you not heard of common law marriage?
In England & Wales it has the same meaning as 'living tally' or 'living over the brush'. It's tabloid journalese for living as husband and wife without being married.
Buying a house can be joint and in both names
Yes,and ...?
Having a child together means joint responsibility
Not necessarily.
I know plenty of unmarried couples with children, unmarried for various reasons.
Me too. And...?
If so desperate for the 'protection' of marriage then that says allot about the relationship
Who said 'desperate'? OP met someone, they bought a house and made a baby, but her DP isn't her next-of-kin.

I have met a couple of women who lost ( as in died) their partners during pregnancy. The partners parents are the Next of kin, they then had to prove paternity of their child by DNA for them to become the NOK & secure the house & child’s inheritance also not leave the remaining parent homeless. Minefield very distressing.

Again though why haven’t they made sure of their financial decisions before getting pregnant? Or in case of unplanned, immediately they find out?

i had a house in my name, a decent job, and savings before I got pregnant. Had dh had died before we married I’d have been ok financially.

why were they moving into a man’s house they had no share in and becoming so financially dependent? Even if they don’t want marriage, get a will drawn up at the very least.

yes it’s shit but again it’s their choices leaving them in that situation.

This.

This. Don't leave yourself and your baby vulnerable. Just get a quick registry office wedding. Certainly give baby your surname if not married.

@Whycanineverthinkofone , they base their choices on 'we're engaged', 'he'll propose soon' and 'our relationship is rock solid', not on the possibility of the relationship ending.

Not all relationship end (until one partner passes away), not all relatinships end badly, but when 'in love' and pregnant, breaking up is not going to be the first thought on a woman's mind.

Oh how embarrassingly ignorant. There is, thankfully, no such thing as common law marriage.

If you want any legal protection, you need to actually be married.

Living together and marriage - legal differences - Citizens Advice
@Oli16 , @Happydays2025

There is no such thing as common law marriage
Women need to be familiar with cohabitation rules and understand that it is not marriage by another name
Unfortunately many women misunderstand cohabitation and have a misunderstanding of common law marriage and presumption of rights and protection

Think lulled into a false sense of security. Both middle class educated women partners high earners, death is the last thing you think about. Not sure the houses were the partners solely, how many women would be able to afford a family home solely not many.

5 years is more than long enough to decide you will grant your partner the stability of emotional and financial commitment, which marriage brings. No way would I have had a kid without being married.

Or you can get legal documents drawn up to give you the same provisions- wills, joint ownership of assets etc.

Actually that does not give you access to someone’s pension, nor will it make you the default next of kin. The will could be changed at any time and so can any other legal arrangements without your knowledge. Unless you are married you can’t be sure you will inherit a dime.

Or you can get legal documents drawn up to give you the same provisions- wills, joint ownership of assets etc.

but many won't.

Why does the proposal have to be such a big deal these days. My husband said 'I have been offered a job abroad, shall we get married before we go'. It was fine. No big instagram moment, no asking my parent's permission.

You can’t be sure if you’re married either.

i own my house. I can leave it to whomever I want, it doesn’t have to be dh.

i can specify on my pensions who I want to have the money- again it doesn’t have to be dh.

depending on where you live he may have a claim on my estate, but as an adult male with no young kids he’s not “dependent” so could have a fight.

one of my mums friends got nothing from her husbands death except an old pension- it all went to his daughter. The house, everything. As she had state pension topped up with the private one she was classed as not dependent. The husband had changed his will without her knowing.

Lots of posters referring to next of kin. My understanding is that next of kin doesn't really have a legal meaning for adults. You can name anyone as your next of kin - could be a close friend for example. It is really just a proxy for 'emergency contact'. (If you want someone to make medical decisions on your behalf you need to organise a lasting power of attorney).

Get married by all means, but you don't need to from a next of kin perspective.

Next of kin would only “matter” if your partner died intestate.

with a will it goes to whoever stated, married or not.

without a will if married spouse gets first £325k, and half of everything else if there’s children, it all if there’s not. Which if your house is worth more than you inherit you could be left homeless anyway, even with the “protection” of marriage, as you’ll have to give any kids their share.

unmarried and without a will it goes to the nearest blood relative- parents, children etc.

don’t rely on marriage for protection. Get the legal and financial shit done as well.

Again though you have to name someone and make sure that you do it in such a way that people know about it. In a medical emergency, where the person can't express a preference, its possible for someone like a parent who has a provable connection, to totally bar an unrelated person.

Not bitter at all. Just sharing wisdom.